Alesya Sergeevna Chernyavskaya,
preventive
social orphanhood of a public organization
« Belarusian Foundation SOS-Children's Village »


Being a parent is a hard work that moms and dads perform, often without having special skills and preparation. And if you cope with the problems of small children who arise in a family circle, it still turns out something else, then save the mind and correctly react to the experience of the child, for example, due to the lack of comrades in children's garden, on the street or at school sometimes does not come out.

So, most parents live their children seems successful and happy when a son or daughter in a circle of friends and closely communicates with their peers. But it is worth hearing the phrases "Why is a friend not going with me", "no one wants to be friends with me," "I will not go to the street, I'm sad there," how the feeling of helplessness and despair arises, anger on other children, their parents and their own child , Up to self-evidence. After all, the kindergarten or school company is a simplified model of society and the skill of relationships with others is being implemented in it, and the response to the child of peers forms its idea of \u200b\u200bitself and attitude to his personality.

At the same time, before drawing conclusions and take active actions, it should be understood that the child puts into the concept of "friendship", try to delve into why he cannot take the desired position in the children's team, to find a comrade and / or support relationships with him. And the solution of this issue requires huge delicacy.

What is friendship? The definitions of this word are a huge set. But if you summarize them and apply to the relationship between children, then friendship is close and voluntary relations that are a source of emotional support and empathy for a child. For the first time, an interest in contact with other children arises from a 2-3-year-old child, who will rather share a bunch and a bucket with a familiar boy or a girl than with an unknown to him, give a typewriter and a peer doll, and not an adult.

Being older, children 3-6 (7) years They will be friends with those who will offer to play with their toys or coarse candy, does not scatter, not crying and never beats. And since almost a third of the preschoolers are friends with someone, the word "friend" is firmly fixed in the children's dictionary on 3-5th year of life. Friendship for 3-6-year-old child "It is an opportunity to go to visit, play together, having fun, protect against offenders and pity a friend, as well as forgive comrade and apologize to him. At the same time, almost all friendly relations during this period are built on the principle "good - for good, evil - for evil."

IN 6 (7) -9 (10) -the A great importance for children is acquired by study. Younger schoolchildren are more often friends with loyal and smart peers, giving to write off, dividing school supplies, and the same sex as they. The child also chooses a friend and taking into account the geographical principle - sits with him at one desk, visits the same mugs or lives nearby. Friendship is more perceived by schoolchildren as mutually beneficial cooperation that does not require understanding and making the interests of his friend. At the same time, almost all the boys build business-subject relationships with each other, and girls are particularly important to interpersonal confidential contacts. Despite the fact that 80-90% of children have friends and friendship bonds are very strong, they are usually not durable.

It should be noted that by the end of training in primary school (8-10 years) Children appears the concept of obligations to each other, they begin to realize and take into account the feelings of the other, building friendship in the positions of mutual assistance. Therefore, the interruption of friendly relations, for example, in connection with the transition to another school, is perceived by the child painfully, up to the experience of the feeling of real loss and grief. True, before that moment until he finds new friends. Sometimes friendship is terminated due to the emergence of other interests, as a result of which children turn to new comrades that can satisfy their needs. During this period, according to researchers, the presence of even the only one close friend Helps the child to overcome negative influence Dislike by other children.

Note that the real friendship of adolescents is a very complex and ambiguous phenomenon. At one time, mutual support, joint pastime and mutual confidence can manifest, and the other is sovereignty, rivalry and even conflict. This is due to the fact that the teenager is looking for its individuality, seeks to satisfy its emotional and psychological needs. As a result, trusting relations arise with several children, which makes participants in the friendly union at the same time dependent and autonomous from each other.

Compared with younger schoolchildren, in a teenager The importance of direct everyday contacts with the other is reduced, but significantly increases the role of sympathy and understanding in relationships. In his opinion, a friend is the perfect person who embodies all the best and for which you can even sacrifice. In addition, adolescents are particularly characterized by a phenomenon that received the name "Waiting for communication" in psychology. Its essence is that the child is constantly in the search for communication and is always open for contact. Therefore, if it does not work out to be friends with whom I want, or as a result of some conflict, cooling in relationships, the teenager can go for random relations, if only not to stay alone.

A typical manifestation of friendly psychotherapy is communication "with an eye on the eye" and by phone. It takes such a chat for about 3-4 hours on weekdays and up to 9 hours on weekends. Despite the fact that, in the opinion of many parents, this conversation is "nothing", psychologically, it is more important than any meaningful conversation in this age. However, limitless openness, frankness and the trust of these relations often bring negative consequences. At the time of a quarrel, to stronger the other, former comrades can report the most cherished secrets of their buddy.

Gender differences are clearly manifested in youth friendship. The girls are more emotional and intimate in their relationships. They have fewer friends, compared to the young man, and they prefer to meet with each of them separately, and not with everyone at once. In addition, if the main friend for the young man is the peers of one with him the floor, then for the girl the perfect friend is a young man older than her in age. That is, for high school students, the word "friendship", used to describe the relationship, is often only a veiled name of emerging love.

Despite the fact that the features of children's friendship are studied quite deeply, parents should always be borne in mind that every child is formed in its own way. This is connected not only with properties. nervous system, temperament, but also with the conditions of development, which give the uniqueness common to all age manifestations. However, at any age, starting with 3-4 years oldFor a child, the importance of contacts with friends is invaluable. Therefore, it is parents must take responsibility and take active actions if a child:

. complains about the lack of friends and the reluctance of peers to communicate with him;

With reluctance goes or rejoices, every opportunity does not go to kindergarten, school or on a circle;

Does not tell anything about classmates and about the buddies with whom I met, for example, on the street or in sports section;

Does not want to call anyone, nobody calls to visit or him and does not invite him to him;

For all day later, something is doing something at home (reads, plays computer games, watching TV, etc.).

Before interfere with the situation and help the child solve the problem, parents should figure out the reasons for this disharmony as soon as possible. Psychologists have long been noticed that the better the child has a relationship with parents, the easier it is to find a common language and peers. Therefore, violations in the field family education Often have a negative impact on the ability of the child to establish friendly contacts. Excessive guardianship Children from parents, forced restriction of child's communication with other children, ban on inviting friends to the house, the lack of conditions for self-affirmation of the child and the denial of his right to act independently can lead to psychological unable to communicate with peers.

The child has problems with acquiring friends may also arise due to personal (increased emotionality, closure and shyness) and external features (excessive obesity, unpleasant facial features, features in development). And since the children's company is a rather cruel community, then unable to fit into the group ruthlessly expelled.

The reason that the child can not find a friend or support relationships with him, often binds to the fact that modern children are more likely played alone and often with a computer. As a result, both boys and girls do not know simple ways Dating, cannot show complicity and empathy, express support to your friend, which, together with the "inaution", talking to the peers in their language leads to a rejection of the child from the peer environment. Next, due to dissatisfaction with communication, it becomes aggressive, can hide his problems under bravada or junning or to get into his own depression.

It should be noted that the child and his parents are not to blame for the fact that certain children cannot find a friend in the new team. Sometimes there are still poor psychologists for mutual sympathy and antipathy mechanisms. So, some children are extremely attractive for peers, and others, no worse than them, - no. Some experts suggest that selectivity is based on the ability of popular children to satisfy the social needs of their peers.

Having determined the cause of the problem, it is necessary to quickly and unobtrusively begin to correct the position, following the following rules:

1. Giving a child the opportunity to communicate with friends and his one year old. For example, to engage in occupations in circles or sections, to visit those families where there are children, invite neighbors-peers home, arrange children's holidays.

2. Provide children the opportunity to act independently, to take the initiative and their abilities.

3. Help the child to put up with buddies and strive as much as possible to recognize about them.

4. Try to spend a qualitative time with the child, for example, play, have fun, stitch as it were "on equal."

5. Learn a child openly and calmly express his own opinion, to prove it, without increasing the voice, without hysterics and offense.

Initially, a child, upset and facing something unfamiliar, unexpected and frightening due to the lack of friends, should be applied to emotional support. Often, every parent does the fact that maybe, because there is no ideal solution. The most important thing is that in a difficult situation there will be something that is said and often does not matter what words will be. For the child, the main thing is that the words were pronounced, his "sadness" spoke and moved from the discharge of the "tragedy" to a less painful level.

Son or daughter of any age is important to feel that a love adult is ready to listen to him, recognizes his personality deserving confidence, shares his grief, ready to help and support. "I see you be sad (you are angry, you are afraid, offended). It is really a shame - when the guys do not take into the game (hear mockery, be always one on change, etc.) you would like your relationship with the guys in the classroom differently. "

Word options that parents say may be different. But there are highlights that children must hear. First, if a friend with him (her) is not found, "that does not mean at all that he / she is not worthy of love. Secondly, whatever he / she is, to be loved by all without exception is impossible. Thirdly, and he / she himself (a) also accepts someone as a friend, and someone ignores. Fourth, joint analysis possible causes conflict. Perhaps he / she reminds her friend of someone who he does not like, or he / she did (a) something, himself (a) is not wanting to do not like to friend. And finally, it is important to give to understand the child that in any case the light of the wedge did not come down in this friend. Standing with her son or daughter to think for whom he / she could count on her class who could become a new friend and where to find it.

In addition to providing support for a child who has fallen into a difficult situation, close attention should be paid to the system of relationship between adult family members, as well as practiced ways of education. Most parents live today too tense life, and they simply do not have the strength for normal communication with the child. They need to cope well with all their numerous duties: the family and career come here, and much more. Therefore, many parents have no energy, patience and desire, do everything that is required. And when something is overlooked, then the "something" is almost always the life of the family.

At the same time, the main thing is the right direction of education. Children need live communication with their parents, as it was during the immediate contact of the son or daughter draw confidence, form its own identity and vital values. So, paying a trustful communication of 10 minutes in the morning and one hour in the evening, you can get a miracle. IMPORTANT AND JOINT HAVE, FOR Growing children are more oriented on behavior than words. Therefore, among the memories of adults, they are mostly mentioned mostly moments of close proximity to their parents, for example, during a family travel or a ski campaign to the forest. And rarely, who recalls gifts and privileges that were obtained.

It is also important to calm down and stop overly take care and worry about the child, unquestioning to fulfill any of his desires and agree with the rules offered by them. This style of relationship will allow children to learn to solve many problems arising independently, to cope with their own egoism and play together with other boys and girls under someone else's leadership.

It will help the child to establish relationships with other children and systematic techniques at home of parents' friends, conversations with her son or daughter on various topics. For example, conversations about the friends of childhood Mom and Pope: how did they meet, as they were friends, what they played, what tricks did and even as quarreled and put up. Thanks to such stories, it is possible without moraling to show the child to be friends - it's great. Useful lesson for children will be interested in parents to their friends and girlfriends. To do this, it is necessary to make conversations about his comrades with his son or daughter more often, express a positive attitude towards them, for example: "How is your friend Andrei? He is so kind and cheerful (or smart and smart, faithful and reliable, honest and attentive)! ".

By changing parental installations, you should work in parallel with the child. Especially important to acquire the skills of dating and maintaining friendly relations preschool period. Small children, and especially shy, you need to learn to get acquainted with his favorite toys. So, a bunny (for which the child plays) sits in a sandbox, and a bear (his role is performed by one of the parents) wants to meet him. Thus, you can lose the options for behavior during your dating: how to get closer to what and how to say depending on the situation. Moreover, the roles should be changed, constantly complicating and modifying conditions, for example, a child with whom you try to get acquainted, answered with refusal, offended, got angry, it was getting angry, etc. With the help of toys, you can also teach the baby to behave correctly in one situation or another (I want to ride a swing, and another child does not give), correct some difficulties in his behavior.

With preschoolers, it is appropriate to recall the situations from your favorite animated films. So, Krroshek-Racota helped make friends with "those who sat in the pond" his smile (the cartoon "baby raccoon" based on the fairy tale Lilian Moore), and the most best friend It turned out to be not one who is most, and the one who came to help in trouble (cartoon "the biggest friend" on the fairy tale Sophia Prokofyeva). The histories of V. Sutheev, for example, the "bag of apples", the stories about the crocodile Geno, Pyratino, etc., can be instructive.

Help a child 3-6 years old, not even able to communicate, enter the company of children can both the authoritative adult. Preschoolers automatically determine even veiled hostility or sympathy of the educator to one or another child. Therefore, providing a certain location and favor of rejected baby, you can enter it into the game team. The task of adults during this period to teach a child: a) respect the interests of others, for example, asking permission from the toy owner before taking it; b) refuse to whom you do not want to be friends; c) seek friendship without a "bribery" of the desired comrade.

It is important for each parent to know that the negative perception of their son or his daughter to try to change never late. Adult family members can help younger schoolchildren and teenagers raise their status in the eyes of peersIf there will be:

. provide children with the opportunity to play or chat or celebrate anything at home (with the condition that the room or apartment will then be cleaned);

Select a son or daughter, for example, a few additional candies for school friends;

Do together with the child small gifts for friends on the eve of holidays ( New YearFebruary 23, March 8);

Strive as much as possible unexpectedly for a child to change his living conditions and a circle of communication.

Special skills requires mothers and dads when problems with friendly contacts arise from their children in youthful age. Often, friendly and love relationships are intertwined in this situation, and parents are "between the hammer and anvil", performing an inconsistent role. On the one hand, they should occupy the position of a third-party quiet observer, and on the other - open to contact, ready to actively listen to them at any time of the day.

Summing up, we note that, despite the statements of some researchers about the surface of friendly relations in modern society, the absence of perfect and deep friendship, about the displacement of wide friendly companies, based on the community of entertainment, the present friendly communication, the presence of faithful friends is still significant for children and adults. True, if earlier the communication of peers developed as if by itself and did not require an adult intervention, then today children need to be specifically learning. But the main thing is to start, tracing your child to be a devotee and reliable friend.

Why do parents give their child to kindergarten? The answer is simple: to ensure that the child develops correctly and communicated with his peers. Moms and Pope are confident that as soon as their kid will come to the group, he will very quickly find himself friendswith whom he will play and know the world around.

It is in kindergarten who receives the first experience to enter into toys, joint watching cartoons, creating friendly "unions". Remembering their childhood, parents think that the child will feel in kindergarten Comfortable. However, it happens that the child cannot make friends, he feels loneliness. In this situation, the help of parents is very important.

What can help a child?

What kind skills And the character qualities need to develop the child so that he can easily acquire friends?

1. Confidence in yourself.

it quality It is the key to friendly relationships. A child who is confident in herself knows that he loved, respect and appreciate, it will be easily converging with their peers. To develop this quality, parents should perceive their baby, as an adult person, consult with him, listen to his opinion, to learn to make independent decisions and maintain it in all endeavors.

2. The ability to get acquainted.

Remember how in childhood you got acquainted. Just alone phrase Could turn a stranger child in your friend: "Hello. Let's be friends. My name is Kolya (Light). " Teach your child the easiest and most common phrases that will help him find friends. If the child is shy, you can offer him to practice on my toys. Let the bears and bunnies become friends, play, communicate. This will no doubt help the child become more relaxed.

3. Understanding people.

After a walk on the site, speak with the child, how the games took place, who played, and who stood aside and missed. Ask the baby that he pleased, and which led to confusion. Of course, the child is hard understand Each child who plays with him in the sandbox. Sometimes he does not know how to do in a particular situation. You can help him: reconstruct the situation in the game form and tell the child how best to do to avoid conflict and reinforce friendly relationships with each baby.

4. We learn to share.

Not every child understands why he should give his toys to someone else. Explain the baby that it will help him find friends. The child must be able to share And change toys. It is from this that the manner of communication begins, which will allow Karapuzu to calmly respond to competition and take into account the opinions of the remaining members of the group.

5. Exit from conflict situations.

Even the most quiet child may be in conflict situation. Parents must teach the baby to say "no", "I will not answer your names" and so on. Do not teach the child to give the offender. It is necessary to try to solve everything with a conversation.


6. Friends can not be bought.

Often children who can not find friends, begin to attract their peers with sweets and toys. In some cases, it helps, but it happens that new "friends" communicate with the child just because he has many candies or toys. So that this does not happen, teach the child to do something interesting what can attract The rest of the kids who want to also learn how to make a parrot from paper or bead bead bead beads, and maybe a house made from matches.

7. Do not forget about the smile.

All without exception kind peoplewho attract attention to their open smile. Merry, smiling people and friends are greater than those of sullen and fuse. Therefore, teach your baby to look at everything only with optimism, in each situation to find positive moments. Let the child remember the main rule and follows him: " Good mood Promotes communication, so smile, no matter what. "

Question: Hello, tell me how to behave. The situation is this: I am an educator, since September I have children 2-3 years old. I used to work with such young children. On September 1, 11 children came. For the week almost everyone adapted, almost the whole group remains half a day. Next to the next week will sleep. But I can not find an approach to one girl: it leads later all, children are already breakingle.

As soon as she comes, immediately starts to roll hysterics. Most children looking at her, also begins to cry, although a few minutes ago they drose calmly. Take it to the group very hard - she begins to joy all, fight. I can not put it on the chair - she immediately rolls off him. I can not hold on the hands - he holds out. And categorically refuses to go to the group. I walk with her along the corridor. I can't do what to do? It is impossible to divert anything, she does not cry without a break, not crying, but yells, and it's tearing her. It does not respond to toys, my words do not hear. How to distract it?

Love Holchepova, Children's psychologist:

You know, the answer can I give only one: the first time (as long as the experience shows) with the girl at the beginning of the day there should be some one adult. To calmly, without panic, without hustle, without jerking, because other children without supervision, he spent with her, maybe an hour, or how to get. In order for the girl to get used to the new setting, new things, new paints, new sounds and smells. And in order to be clear that the garden is not a prison for children, where they only follow the children that children are not killed and do not run away. To all - and educators, nanny, and children, it was familiar that the kindergarten is where you can play where you are interested, where you understand and respect, where they are friends and find out relationships, learn and compete, and so on. Sadik is a place where cool! Where do you want to get, as soon as you wake up in the morning. And the educator is so nice to hug and talk to her, and the nurse will always help - she is an adult and everything can.

Who can be this person? Mom, someone from loved ones, or some kind of garden worker, or someone else. Lord, yes, the people of the same time, do not have a suitable one among them, so that it could be arranged with him, or so that he wanted.

Here you have a creative task. By the way, it may be a child from senior groupwho loves to mess with small things. Look for, and be sure to find.

And this girl is really bad when it is so nourishing. And she shouts not from harm and not from a good life, but because it is experiencing an incredible tension of mental strength, because she has an unbearable stressful state. An adult man with such mental pressure or infarction with stroke receives, or hypertensive crisis, or something else that adults call "serious illness".

Dear adults, take care of children! And each other!

By giving your child to a kindergarten, parents expect that their child will acquire the communication skills they need to be friends, and it will appear new, and for someone even the first permanent, reliable games for games. But, as a rule, it does not happen in itself, because not all children can easily and quickly find contact with peers and their place in the new social group. But how can we help your kid comfortably adapt to kindergarten and find new friends there? Fortunately, parents can make a lot for their child in this situation.

In many ways, the person's confidence in himself acts as a formative factor of friendly relations in any social group. Confident man, Moreover, a child who feels and knows what he loves, the world is safe, and it is not likely to not be able to feel strong difficulties when communicating. And even even allowing that someone refuses him to play or be friends, he will be able to find himself without unnecessary disorders of other comrades. It is probably why the fundamental criterion for successful functioning, including in the Children's community, is confidence. However, it should be recalled that it should not be in self-confidence and especially in boasting and excessive exhibition of their invented and even valid advantages. And, of course, to develop and strengthen self-confidence from your child, it is very important to treat him as a person, teach independence, with respect to accept his own solutions and actions.

Having learned to meet, the baby will be much easier to establish contact with all other pupils of kindergarten. And for this, he needs to know phrases that usually finish acquaintance and begin to communicate. Very often, the child can not join the overall game, not knowing what you just need to say: "Hi, I am Denis, what's your name? Let's play?" Or "Hello, my name is Olya, can I play with you?" Undoubtedly, the baby will be useful and the most ordinary polite phrases: "Hello!", "Thank you!", "What is your name doll?" And the like. If the baby is shy to communicate with peers, you can practice at home, using your favorite baby toys. For example, arrange so that they get acquainted with each other.

In the process of observing children's games, various situations can be discussed with a child. After all, it should be known to know the possible situations of interaction with others and learn to understand the actions and deeds of foreign children. kindergarten. For example, playing in the sandbox, you can discuss with the baby who, what was engaged in the playground, which of the kids looked sad, and who was cheerful that they could upset or delight them. After that, in the form of the game (on the example of the same toys), you can convey to the kid, as better in certain situations to behave.

It is extremely important that the child can easily share and change, for example toys. It is from this skill that the upbringing of a true mastery of communication begins. This is a huge step towards the ability to hear the interlocutor, to take into account when interacting and his interests, the skill of negotiations is formed. And it is best to instill a child this skill to easily interact with other children before you send it to the kindergarten.

The right way out of various conflict situations is extremely important for the child. After all, even
The most peacefully tuned baby, it is far from being able to bypass conflict situations, collisions of interests and fights. At the same time, it is very important to teach a child and express your opinion when it is necessary: \u200b\u200b"I don't like it", "I don't want" or simply "no" if it is forced to make something unpleasant or just forbidden. However, it is not necessary to teach a child to call and fight: a confident and educated person in almost any situation will be able to prove its righteous to another way. Of course, situations where the baby will have to fight, apparently, not to avoid. However, in this case, you should make a thorough "tracking of flights". And first alone with the baby, and then with the participation of all sides of the conflict. After clarifying all the circumstances, do not try to "make guilty of merit" - it is better to organize "universal reconciliation" by sending the energy of the conflict to create.

Do not try to buy friendship, much more important to captivate others. Often the kids with whom other guys do not play, try to conquer attention with the help of treats and unusual toys. And the truth is sometimes such a children's tactic can be successful, but it is important not to overdo it with this desire. After all, it may well be that the new girlfriend will wish to communicate with the baby only until that time she gives her her beautiful doll. And if the baby became the hostage just such a sad situation, you need to try to change it - for example, to teach the child to create interesting things with your own hands, for example, to make meat from silver candy paper or do beautiful origami. And then the kids themselves will want to be friends to participate in something interesting.

And, of course, a child will always help his positive attitude and optimism. Therefore, it is very important to teach this baby. At the same time, it is absolutely no need to break his own character. And in conclusion, a couple of questions to readers. Do you agree with the Soviets given in the article? How do you help your child to establish contact with peers? What is the fundamental, from your point of view, for the successful socialization of the child?