Why is it that many people consider the one who often “shakes hands with others” at a difficult moment to be soft-bodied romantics, due to whom you can arrange your own life comfortably?
What to do if you think that people should be helped if they need help, but at the same time you do not want to look like a weakling in the eyes of others?
What do we mean by kindness?
Kindness is not only the ability and desire to support someone in a difficult situation, but also a positive attitude, which a person subconsciously strives for under any circumstances.
This does not mean that he walks around the clock with a smile on his lips.
Some kind-hearted people may have a far from friendly expression, but they have a big heart, and is able to give warmth to those in need of support.
In other words, kindness can be said to be various manifestations of a feature of a human character that really has moral qualities and capable of sympathy for others.
Kindness can take the form of:
Why is it hard for good people to live?
This happens if fate disposes in such a way that the philanthropist is surrounded only by mercantile personalities, shamelessly exploiting him and not intending to leave a person the opportunity to spend resources on his personal tasks.
The life of such a good man can be similar to the duty schedule of an ambulance brigade.
That is there are always those who suffer, but time to drink tea, relax and, in figuratively, look out the window or do something for yourself, no.
And if in the case of doctors they have at least a salary, then philanthropists very often have only inner comfort from the feeling that they did the right thing and at the behest of their hearts. But there is often no time for yourself. And resources too.
A person may suffer for his own responsiveness for the following reasons:
Why do people not appreciate this quality?
Main reason: individual individuals quickly forget that good deeds are not an obligatory action, but there is a manifestation of the purely will of the assistant who decides that someone should and needs to substitute a hypothetical shoulder.
Moreover:
Who owns the quote: "Kindness is mistaken for weakness, and rude behavior is a demonstration of strength." What to do for those who want be kind but not weak?
Get ready that for a long time it will be difficult for you to restrain yourself and not rush to the call of everyone who asks for help.
But it is worth learning to distinguish between empty requests and the voice of one who is in real trouble. If only because there will be more time and effort to save the second.
Beecher Henry Ward He said that kindness is often mistaken for weakness, and rude behavior is a demonstration of strength. However, according to him, the greatest virtue of the strong is to use his physical or spiritual superiority in the right way and direction.
It is said quite aptly, succinctly and as expected from religious leader, well known in America in the century before last.
And if a fire burns in you, the warmth of which is enough for many others, do not be afraid to share it. But try not to waste - on people who only seem to be in a difficult situation.
Why is good repaid with evil?
Time passes, but one thing remains the same: people do not appreciate a good attitude. It is worth once to come to someone's aid, as a person will have to do it all the time: refusals are not accepted. Although gratitude for a good attitude sometimes happens, but this is the exception rather than the rule. Surely everyone is familiar with the gospel story about how Jesus healed 10 sick people, but only one thanked him. And this is far from the first evidence of human ingratitude.
An innate property of higher animals
The question of why people do not value a good relationship has been answered not only by psychologists, moralists and researchers of ethical sciences, but also by ordinary scientists, in particular, zoologists. So, Konrad Lorenz, an Austrian zoologist and animal psychologist, shed some light on the cause of human ingratitude. He studied the behavior of animals for a long time and came to the conclusion that aggression is an innate quality of higher animals.
There is also intraspecific aggression, when members of the same species attack their own kind when they enter their territory. This behavior helps to survive in the wild.
Invasion and Morality
Even without a scientific basis, it is easy to determine that intraspecific aggression is also characteristic of people, they just call it differently - competitive struggle. For example, in one city there are two photo studios. They are located in different parts of the city, and the owners are even friends. But if one of them opens his studio next to a competitor, then a fierce struggle and poaching of customers will begin, because such an act is an encroachment on someone else's territory.
A simple conclusion suggests itself from this: by nature, a person is evil, but at the same time a social being. To survive, he needs to learn to exist with his own kind, so there is morality, rules of conduct and other laws in society. To reduce someone's aggression, people try to express submissiveness. And the conclusion that suggests itself: gratitude and a good attitude are perceived as weakness. Everyone expects to be treated well, but no one wants to do it in return.
A person, doing good to someone, transcends his natural egoism and wants this “sacrifice” to be appreciated. If someone sees a good attitude towards himself, he feels his superiority. And it feeds the ego. That's why people don't appreciate a good relationship.
How to respond to ingratitude?
It has long been known that people do not value a good relationship. And during this time, a lot of sayings have accumulated. they say that it is impossible to provide services where they are not asked.
Treat others the way they treat you.
Don't do favors that you're not asked for.
Do good and throw it into the water.
Praises, like gold and diamonds, are valuable only when they are rare.
Do not look for scoundrels, meanness is committed by good people.
Despite the fact that a person is a rational being and must act rationally, most human actions are performed under the influence of instincts, and not reason. Since everyone has instincts, but fate has deprived someone of upbringing and prudence.
From Shakespeare
Well, with science and instincts figured out, it's time to move on to philosophy, ethics and aesthetics. Let's start with Shakespeare. Another famous playwright of the past asked the question:
Is there anything more monstrous than the ingratitude of man?
Unfortunately, he was never able to answer it. People did not appreciate and do not appreciate a good attitude, neither then nor now. It is worth helping someone disinterestedly, as instead of gratitude, a person is obliged to help constantly. No wonder they say that if you help someone a couple of times, someone's legs immediately begin to hang from their necks. People take kindness for granted and get very offended when they have to be rejected.
Goethe once said that ingratitude is a common weakness. Outstanding people will never allow themselves to be ungrateful. In any case, they will find a way to thank the one who helped them, and they will never forget the service rendered to them.
No fool and life is bad
There are many aphorisms about when people do not appreciate a good attitude. One of them is worth highlighting:
There must always be fools in the world who sacrifice their personal interests in the name of the public, receiving reproach and ingratitude in return (Alexander Hamilton).
It is possible that if everyone was engaged exclusively in their own affairs, then there would be no society as such. Perhaps anarchy would reign everywhere, people would look at each other like a wolf and would see their enemy in everyone they met. Only due to the fact that there are people who will not spare themselves for the benefit of others, society somehow resembles a civilized society. But even here there are many unpleasant situations that cannot be dealt with.
When they don't appreciate
People don't appreciate a good relationship. Quotations on this occasion can be given not one or two. The most unpleasant thing is when for the sake of another person you have to do unseemly, sometimes even illegal actions.
Ingratitude never hurts the human heart more than when it comes from people for whose sake we have decided on an unseemly act (Henry Fielding, "The Story of Tom Jones").
It is said that the victors do not tend to remember those who cleared the path to the throne for them with swords. This truth is as old as the world, but not a single ruler has yet disdained it.
A demonstrative gratitude, a few words, a diploma, a medal or a posthumous speech are formalities, not gratitude. Indeed, the game will go on until the king falls, no matter how many pawns lie at his throne. But one day fate will begin to take revenge, and then the one who did not know how to appreciate a good attitude towards himself will be in the place of the one whom he offended. Life is impossibly wise, so do not get hung up on the bad, one day everything will fall into place, the mosaic will work out and everything will be as it should be. The main thing is not to forget to thank fate for this.
Let's talk. You will object to me - how much they appreciate it! But this is not entirely true - a man appreciates any actions of a woman exactly as long as he appreciates the woman herself. As with children. As long as the mother loves them, she loves the children too. And after the divorce, remember your name and alimony through the court. Therefore, do not rush to give a man all of yourself, especially in the hope that he will notice this, and that the memory of your merits at a fatal moment will keep him close. At the same time, I do not discourage you from acting at the behest of the soul and helping or supporting a man when you see fit. Just do it because your conscience tells you so, without counting on gratitude. Appreciate - fine, no - well, se la vie.
As I have repeatedly written, it is very important for a man to be good - even in the case when he commits frankly bad deeds. Therefore, his “task” is to shift the responsibility to the woman as much as possible. Changed - you didn't pay enough attention to me. He insisted that he didn’t want children, and at the age of 50 he “patched” the child to his mistress and goes to her - it was better to convince me of the need for children, and in general you yourself didn’t want to. Or here's another example. The husband came down with a stroke, his wife took care of him, found doctors, took out a loan to put him in a good rehabilitation center. When he recovered, he went to his mistress, who appeared even before the illness (the wife did not know). To all the questions, “How is it?!”, he answered, “I didn’t ask you to look after me.” And you can not argue, except from the point of view of morality.
While writing the article, I found the story of a girl who married a virgin. I thought that my husband would appreciate it - he was so happy about it. "I had my first the wedding night, after the wedding. Almost 10 years later there was a very difficult divorce. To my words ... how could you change, I’m not with anyone and not when .... there was an answer .. and who asked you. It was like an ice cold shower."
Tell these stories to men outside the context of the article and you will see that most of them will not understand the problem and will answer in the same way - well, he didn’t ask ... Yes, even if he asked, a man will always find how to turn the case in his favor.
There is one more interesting feature- a man remembers only your last act. What is usually "negative". Positive he will take for granted, but God forbid you to refuse anything. All your previous support, the help of a fighting girlfriend, the fact that you were there at the most difficult moments, etc. will be forgotten at the first opportunity when you cannot, do not want or you will not have the strength to do something else for him again. However, he himself, at every opportunity, will remember how 3 years ago he gave you 50 thousand rubles for a new handbag and will present it as if he does it almost every week. These 50 thousand 3 years ago will become his calling card, the answer to all your claims. Your actions are what you are obliged to do. His is the triumph of the hero, applause and a laurel wreath.
So why men don't appreciate being treated well? I have already mentioned the first reason. The memory of your merits will limit him, prevent him from doing what he wants, but what you will not like. Therefore, it is easier to forget or present it as your good will, which he did not ask for, or another option is to say that you, as a wife, were already obliged to do this, there is nothing like that. And it doesn't matter what it cost you. After all, we are not talking about washing dishes or “in sickness and health”, but about life-defining moments, such as the birth of children or large financial obligations and risks, where you sacrifice something for the sake of a man. This is why you should always think of yourself first. Or, as my elderly friend said, “never tell your husband all the secrets, do not give in in everything, do not expect that he will appreciate and answer in kind.” I would add - and never feel sorry for a man, if we are not talking about momentary experiences or objective troubles. He will not regret you later. As long as everything is fine in your family, you will have no reason to doubt, but as soon as the marriage cracks or problems arise, you may be bitterly disappointed.
The second reason, why men don't appreciate being treated well that they take the vast majority of their actions for granted. The wife will tell her friends for a long time how her husband brought her oranges to the hospital almost every day, how he cared how well he was, not like the others. A man will perceive a similar situation as completely natural. Maybe he will brag to his friends, but in fact he will react very calmly, or even notice that you could pay more attention.
Another reason is bounds checking. Subconsciously (and not so) a man wants to know to what extent he can "use" a woman. Not in terms of banal and cynical use, namely household. Where is the boundary through which it is impossible to cross otherwise you will “fly a reply”. If a wife gave a large amount of money a couple of times, how many times can she give the same amount or more? How long will she put up with my "kookies" before giving her a final warning? In fairness, I’ll say that not only men do this, women no less.
Therefore, through good relationship a man cannot be conquered. You caress him, borscht, good sex, comfort, clean floors - but he doesn’t need it. This is for you a hymn of love, and for him nothing more than pleasant, but not even very necessary trifles. To a much greater extent, he needs a female partner next to him, equal in level to him. Or a "hot thing" with character. And he will eat borscht in a restaurant - all the more delicious there ..
And the last thing - perhaps you are simply imposing your idea of \u200b\u200bgood on a man. It seems to you that you are caring, but it seems to him that you are intrusive. It's not really his fault here. You can’t instill in another person your attitudes about happiness, it’s better to understand what he needs specifically.
Good afternoon Maria! I really enjoy watching your channel. My situation is this: I (28 years old) 3 years ago I experienced the strongest mobbing at work from the whole office, including the bosses. Before that, I was quite sociable girl, but preferring to be alone more than surrounded by people. A year after this situation, I lived in constant apathy and depression, but I was able to step over it by mentally forgiving all the offenders and taking the blame on myself, making it a life experience to extract my own mistakes, but still it left a huge imprint on my psyche. I began to work as a freelancer, because I don’t want to be in a team, I’m scared that they can do this to me again. I also began to beware of all new people, in everything I look for a catch that on their part can hurt me again. Many people are offended by me because I distance myself. People reach out to me and I push them away and I myself am anxious about this. I struggle with the feeling of protecting myself and the notion that it is impossible to do this, you cannot hide from people all your life. And now I live in another country where I need to learn new language and, accordingly, to communicate with foreigners, which makes me even more anxious and prevents me from making progress on the path to a new life. I do not know how to get out of this situation, please advise what can be done?
Hello, for a week now I have been going around the bush, thinking about whether to write to you or not. I took advantage of the boarding school, so I didn’t have my own home as such. And what does it mean good family I'll find out as I go along. My husband also had family problems. Dad played everything at cards. Mom plowed like a horse to pay her husband's debts. And my husband, including from the age of 14, helped her in her work. So, my husband and I got together when I was 19, my husband was 22. We found out that I was pregnant, and since we were in our last years, we decided to live with his mother in her house. At the same time, I always told my husband that I want to live separately. Mother-in-law is a separate issue altogether. She is a domineering woman, all the time she speaks not directly, but from under a pick, but at the same time a terrible slob. He can pass by and say that your child is not combed, or oh, you should wash the floors in the kitchen. In the beginning, as a loving daughter-in-law and living on her territory, I went and did everything, although I combed the child an hour ago, washed the floors in the morning. So over time, they just made me servants. They said you should do this, cook this, raise a child like this, go to the sea there. (The mother-in-law did nothing at all around the house). And try to say no to her, she starts to get offended (begins to act like a teenager, goes into the room and closes). At the same time, when she cools down, she behaves as if nothing had happened. It doesn't matter if she hurt someone. Sometimes she complained to her husband, but he did not react. But at the same time, I constantly told him that it was time to move. We quarreled because of this, he began to explain that he was still helping his mother. And I believed like a fool. So we lived for 10 years. In the summer, once again, I announced a conversation with my husband about moving, as usual, ended in nothing. The mother-in-law heard and let's explain that men are not arranged that way, and she knows better where and how we should live. The husband, as usual, sat and listened quietly. It got to the point that the mother-in-law leaves for work from home no sooner than dawn, and also comes. To make me feel comfortable, but again they forgot to ask my opinion. And if she is at home, then we cannot be in the same room quietly. We haven't spoken for 4 months now. My daughter sees this, which is the worst. I explain to my husband, but he, as usual, does not care. I said what she wants, but we have to move. Especially since they paid off all their debts. Now it turns out that he does not want to move (his mother has a private house, and it is located very far from all infrastructure). When asked why, one answer is "why should I leave everything here?". I'm trying to explain to him that no one is forcing him to quit everything, what is he like loving son should come to my mother and help her. That I will feel good away from his mother, that I will stop being nervous and worried. He seems to be beginning to understand what I want to convey to him, but no, after a while he starts spinning his cassette again. What is so convenient that we have no money and all that. (We have a one-room apartment) I try to explain to him that if you don’t want to live in one-room apartment we can sell it. Take out as much credit as you need and buy more. But that's not an option for him either. It got to the point that I gave an ultimatum either to his mother or me. I gave him a month to make a decision. Then I'll leave. Help how to be. I love him, but I can't live like this anymore. Perhaps I am wrong? I'm very tired.
Hello. My son got married. Lives separately. My son is the meaning of my life. I just have a void. I try to fill it with everything I can. I am not alone - married. my husband and I are good. I hoped that the daughter-in-law would become a close and dear person. but there was a conflict - we have a complete misunderstanding. We absolutely do not understand and do not hear each other. I know that many mistakes were made by both me and her. We decided not to communicate with each other. It torments my son. He is cunning and dodges, at least in front of me, just to avoid conflict. I think that I controlled a lot in my son's life. I dictated to him what and how to do. wife got the same - trying to manage it. it is easier for him to remain silent. Just to avoid quarrels. he loves her. I've already come to terms with it. I'm tired of this situation. the son says that the wife believes that she is right in everything. I want to try to talk heart to heart. I want to start from scratch. I want peace for everyone. But the girl is capricious. ambitious. vindictive. and most importantly envies everyone a lot. a late child with a single mother and who lived with her grandparents until the age of 13. everything is fine with her. We are suffering - the son and I. How can I get things right and not be rejected. ?
Why don't people appreciate the good you do them?
The question is certainly interesting. On the one hand, they, such radishes, just get used to it and begin to take this goodness for granted. On the other hand, is it really good if we begin to expect gratitude in return? Ideally, those who receive should be grateful, and those who give should be disinterested. But life is generally unfair. There are different options here. Become Mother Teresa and do good to everyone just like that. Or become a complete egoist and generally do nothing to anyone. Or become a mercantile pragmatist and do good only to those who give something in return. Or even more mercantile - to do good only in response to good. I myself look at the circumstances - give or take. And I don't worry too much about people. Whatever it is, no one is perfect.
When a person does good, he first thinks with his heart, because it is very pitiful and something needs to be done, and then over time, when the person to whom he did good becomes obsessive and arrogant, then he thinks with his head, but fortunately there are few ungrateful people. And no one forces us to do good, we just do it ourselves, so that we don’t have to worry later, we could help and didn’t help.
Well, as they say: You did good, move a distance so that you don’t get caught by a wave of gratitudequot ;. People are basically ungrateful. Let me give you an example: my uncle was kicked out of the house empty-handed, his daughters immediately said that they did not need their families, and we thought and decided that it was impossible to leave a person in trouble. They gave him a room, bought clothes, helped with work. What have we achieved? Every day he comes drunk and throws scandals at us, plus he once raised his hand, but there is nowhere to kick him out. Conclusion: where is the banal gratitude? In such a situation, you do not expect it, but you expect that a person will behave like a human being. The same as: The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Help for the soul is better when you help children from the orphanage, or people affected by the fire - we do it disinterestedly and do not expect anything in return, but it's so nice to know that these people are praying for you and your children. And more is not needed. Therefore, not everyone is ungrateful, but unfortunately the majority.
Those who are not accustomed to thank do not appreciate kindness. Everything comes from childhood. Another person even has thank you tongue does not turn to say. People for the most part take good deeds and deeds for granted. But still, the expression do good does not mean the same kindness in return. A person should not expect to be rewarded for his good deeds. In this case, commodity relations arise, called. Good is not sought from good.
A person, making any decision, is guided by a rational approach or an ethical one. These approaches are opposed to each other. In nature, everything happens cruelly, but rationally. Man, due to his development relative to other species, has complicated everything so much that he has come up with all sorts of ethical concepts such as goodness and justice. Rationality, in my understanding, is when a person receives something in return for his actions. Ethics - when a person consciously does not receive benefits, this is a refusal to fight. By sacrificing something, everyone thereby violates the natural laws of nature ( slows downquot ;, maybe breaks the chain of cause and effect conceived by nature with his fabrications) and if you put all these sacrifices together, then this will be the force that holds the human society from self-destruction. When a group of people acts rationally more often, it eventually gets more opportunities, more influence, uses the colossal forces of nature and acts in unison with them. But at the same time, they themselves become hostages of the structure that they have created. For example, oligarchs are victims of capital. Victims in the sense that their whole essence is aimed at replicating pieces of paper. It is unlikely that any of them will become a scientist or a person of art. Many of the criminals believe that they have understood life - but in fact it is only one of the possible ways to live it. It turns out that our life is a flow of energy (the sun->plants->animals->people->the meaning of people's lives?). Once it began, one day it will end. (The sun arose as a result of cosmic processes unimaginable in scale, and only a relative lull in our solar system created the conditions for the development of complex structures, such as carbon-based life forms) A rational approach accelerates this flow, and it becomes destructive - it can demolish everything in its path if it is not stopped (like a nuclear reaction). People call it Evil. An ethical approach slows down this flow and it is customary to call it Good. (slow nuclear reaction - nuclear power plant, science, art, music) For example, in a military conflict, everyone acts rationally, assessing the risks, calculating the enemy’s steps in advance, but in the end they suffer huge losses, often comparable to the benefits of winning. And only a compromise, when both sides sacrifice part of their interests, leads to a quiet resolution of the situation (a calm flow of energy). This almost never occurs in the animal world (a hungry predator will not allow the victim to continue to exist ethically dooming himself to death. He acts according to his instincts, according to nature. And people have cases of cannibalism in a hopeless situation - this is a completely rational approach).
Returning to the question ... When we do In fact, we often act rationally. We get something for this: recognition by society, awareness of our holiness, expectation of reciprocal help (in the future) from this person. It can just be intangible things or investmentsquot ;, which will create the appearance of gratuitousness. Please do not be offended, but if you think that your kindness is not appreciated, then this is similar to the situation when you did not discuss the terms of the contract and did not come to a mutual agreement regarding it)) You have done your part, and the partner may not know what you are waiting for instead. You need to communicate more in such cases, explain your position, because many things are transmitted non-verbally (even if they are not clearly pronounced). Only holy people are capable of real (gratuitous) Goodness. It sounds paradoxical, but for real Good they receive suffering (due to the fact that they go against the laws of the universe) and the energy that they suspend, as it were, beats them.
So, if you are doing good, and you feel that people do not appreciate you, there is nothing wrong with explaining to a person the essence of your actions and expectations. If it doesn’t matter to you that the person didn’t thank you ( do good and throw him into the water), while all the troubles of the world fall on you, then it’s possible that you are walking the path of a saint and, I wouldn’t want to upset, but with this approach your business will only get worse)
this is the law of meanness. do not do good to a person - you will not get evil
Kindness implies disinterestedness, sincerity, but people either do not trust, or look for a catch everywhere, or simply do not understand the meaning of actions, and pay with ingratitude and evil. The fact is that help spoils people, discourages them, gives the feeling that this is how it should be, that it goes without saying, so why appreciate a person if he is so stupid, let me do something nasty to him.
People can be ungrateful in themselves, with a wormhole, therefore they are angry at the whole world, incapable of doing good.
It seems to me that you idealize people and at the same time suffer from the fact that your thoughts about people's behavior do not coincide with their real way of acting. Yes, unfortunately people often behave not only ignoble, but also tactless, shameless, impudent, cynical. If you are inclined to sincerely help people, then you should not be worried about their response, let it remain on their conscience. And if you are offended by the fact that you are being paid with black ingratitude, then no nerves will be enough. One should accept human weaknesses and shortcomings as a given and continue to do good deeds to the best of one's ability.
You know, and you start doing something because you yourself sincerely want to help, and not in order to be told thank you and began to appreciate. Don't expect this from people. There are people who are not grateful, so be it. It is their conscience, and you live according to your conscience.
Because they are like that, their stage of life will not pass yet, which would teach them to appreciate the good that another person gives him free of charge. But do not worry about these people, life will surely teach them sooner or later. First on frivolous events, then on more serious ones. Because one should be grateful.
