Throughout her childhood, the girl felt that her mother did not love her.

- That it’s a burden for mom to play with her or do her homework.

- That mom gets annoyed every time the girl talks to her, needs attention or asks for help.

— Mom uses every opportunity to place the child with anyone. Just to chat with friends, take care of yourself, spend time with your husband.

- Her own daughter is an annoying hindrance for her...

Usually such stories end with a general, even silent condemnation of the mother. “How could she treat me like that? to my own child! “Is the girl to blame for something, why is this happening to her?!”

But not this time. In this article you will not find condemnation of mothers or pity for children. To understand and forgive, you must remain objective. Accusations, complaints, and immersion in difficult memories will not help matters.

Two sides of dislike

Childhood pain. Our first reaction is to call the mother heartless. Because with our adult minds we understand how this dislike hurts. Children think that they are to blame for something. That they weren’t good enough, didn’t try hard enough, weren’t obedient enough, didn’t study well, or caused a lot of trouble.

And then, in adult life, these girls believe that they are unworthy of love. Therefore, they often end up in terrible stories with family violence, drugs, and other things.

Maternal pain. But there is another side. These are mothers who could not love their babies. None of them will complain, ask for help, or even ask a friend for advice.

Because it’s embarrassing and scary to admit that your own baby, who is not to blame for anything, only causes irritation. And sometimes a flashing thought: “Why did I give birth to you?” - makes the situation even worse.

This is just the everyday truth. And it is impossible to escape from it. Just like from your unloved child.

It turns out that the situation “Why doesn’t my mother love me” is not so clear-cut. We have two victims. Who's to blame? And what to do with these childhood memories of unloving? How to forgive a mother who should love you unconditionally, but did not?

Mother's love button did not turn on

Surely you have seen more than once in the movies how a woman takes a child in her arms for the first time and all glows with love and tenderness. She feels the happiest and immediately forgets the horrors of childbirth.

This footage is based on a real physiological mechanism - the production of oxytocin. During the first breastfeeding, a powerful release of hormones occurs, which turns the mother into a “tiger”, ready to protect her baby from the whole world.

However, this oxytocin-induced euphoria is not available to everyone. About 20% of mothers experience neither tenderness nor love for their child. Their detachment is explained quite scientifically, at the level of biology. The mechanism for releasing hormones does not work - there is no crazy happiness, no maternal instinct.

Such mothers raise their children based on social obligations, but do not feel pleasure from communicating with the baby. And it's not their fault, it's theirs biologically caused problem.

Everyone wants their parents to love them without any doubt. Everyone dreams that childhood will be like in a fairy tale: your mother took you in her arms and said that you are her greatest happiness, her most important love. But life is not a fairy tale.

The mother whose story I told at the beginning of the article was unlucky with her oxytocin production. And this is a TROUBLE. Her and the child, unfortunately. But this is no one's fault. Just bad luck.

The mother herself would like to experience bursts of happiness and tenderness from communicating with the baby. But she doesn’t feel anything and therefore feels deceived. Everyone is lucky, but she is not.

Imagine her horror when she realized that she was not feeling what she was supposed to feel! How much I blamed myself for being heartless... How I was ashamed of myself, looking at happy mothers on the playground...

Hormonal love left without saying goodbye

There is another situation. For many, when a child turns 2-3 years old, the effect of oxytocin suddenly turns off. And the mother does not understand how this happened.

Why before this she was filled with tenderness, tenderness and maternal instinct, and then at one moment these feelings evaporated? And all that remained was irritation due to the fact that the small screaming creature constantly demands attention.

Is it the child’s fault that mom’s “biology didn’t turn on”?

If this is the story of your relationship with your mother, understand two things:

• Firstly, this happened not because you are bad or good, not because you behaved incorrectly. If your mother was one of the 20% of women whose biology did not work, she would not be able to love you, even if you were the most ideal child.
• Secondly, there are things that do not depend on us. The inclusion of love for the baby did not depend at all on either your mother or you.

Worrying about this is the same as suffering because of your height or physique. Some have wide bones, others have thin ones. Some have grown by 180 cm, others by 150. This is nature, and you are powerless to change anything.

"Why did this happen to me?"

The first reaction to the words: “You were unlucky, that’s why your mother didn’t love you” is an attack of self-pity. And also loud lamentations and angry questions:

- Why me?!

- Do I deserve this?

No, you don't deserve this. Yes, life is unfair. And some things just happen. Do you want to move on? Do you want parental dislike to stop influencing your life now? Accept this fact.

And to make it easier for you to cope with self-pity, think about this. In nature, the situation “love for offspring is not included” occurs as often as in people. Remember cats or dogs that experienced the same “cuckoo mode”.

It happens that a cat does not want to feed the kittens. She just throws them and leaves. In the wild, if a failure occurs and biology does not turn on, the brood dies.

Things are different for people. Sometimes a mother gets rid of her child by giving him to orphanage. But the vast majority save their offspring, even if they do not experience love. The reason for such responsibility lies in social obligations and fear of condemnation by society.

It turns out that your mother had a choice in what to do with unloved child. However, nothing can be done about the very fact that biology is not turned on.

“Why does mom love my brother, but not me?”

It may also be that love did not turn on only for the first child, but turned on for the next. You may be the result of an accidental pregnancy. Think about it, in those days it was not easy for a pregnant woman without a husband. Condemnation by society, sidelong glances from acquaintances, gossip and gossip accompanied her for all 9 months.

Giving birth without a husband must have frightened the woman; she constantly replayed many different fears in her head, and did not sleep at night from anxiety. By the way, women giving birth in Soviet maternity hospitals had something to fear. Partly, oxytocin love did not kick in because the hormones were blocked due to stress.

And the second baby was born in completely different conditions. He was desired and planned. Born already in marriage and from a beloved man. And there the maternal instinct worked correctly.

There are many manifestations of psychosomatics in this mechanism. Love is blocked when the mother is in a survival situation, even if it is morally and not physically. If a threat is present, maternal instinct malfunctions.

Do not justify, but accept and move on

Why all this talk about mothers who don't love their children? The only way to overcome my mother’s dislike, this childhood trauma, is to understand that there is no one to blame.

There is no monster that turned your childhood into a nightmare. But there are two unhappy people - small and big.

I am not at all calling to justify “bad” mothers. Despite the biological reasons, they had a choice. You may not experience oxytocin addiction, but still love your child with adult, conscious love. Like, for example, with friends.

Your task is to realize that it could not have been otherwise. Stop internal claims, demands and expectations towards the mother. Stop thinking: “Oh, if my mother loved me... I would be different now, I would live better and happier.” Stop looking back and regretting.

Just start living. Now. In your present. You are already an adult - love yourself.

The closest and dear person in the world - this is mom. Mother gives us life, through her body our soul is born. Mom is with us for the first months and years after birth, helping us adapt to this world. Mom doesn’t sleep at night, worries about our mistakes and failures, about our snot and high temperature. Mom loves us, loves us more than life itself. And we love her. But despite this idyll, it is mothers who cause us a lot of pain. Every person has a grudge against their mother, some less, some more. And all because all people are imperfect, so our mothers made mistakes, hurting us children.

This pain lives with us all the years, not allowing us to forget the old grudge. This pain rots from the inside, poisoning our body with poisons. This pain exhausts and destroys us. Someone learns to live with their childhood grievances, someone tries their best to forget about them, someone remembers and suffers from it. Some people are not going to forgive, while others are tormented by the question: “How to forgive an insult to your mother?”

One of my friends still cannot forgive his mother for giving him to his grandmother at the age of four so that he would not interfere with her arranging her personal life. For him, this is a bleeding wound, and even though almost thirty years have passed since then, he still cannot understand and forgive her for this act.

My mother is still offended by her mother (my grandmother) because she never supported her as a child, never praised her, but only scolded and blamed her. This attitude gave rise to a bunch of complexes in my mother, which she struggled with for almost half a century.

I am sure that every person has their own story, their own grievances against their mother. For some they are less poisonous, for others more, but they all poison their lives, despite the fact that so much time has passed. And no wonder, because grievances do not go away, they do not disappear, are not erased by time, and are not forgotten. They are simply driven deeper inside the soul, sometimes so deep that you have to dig for a very long time to find them.

Why find it? In order to free, let go, forgive. After all, if you continue to pretend that all grievances are in the past, then they will continue to destroy your life, your aura, your soul. When you get a splinter in your finger, what do you immediately do? That's right, get it out of there, otherwise inflammation will start, pus will come out, there will be a lot of pain. It’s the same with resentment, if you don’t get it out and forgive it, it will rot and undermine your health.

How to forgive an insult to your mother?

There are quite a few techniques, any of which can be found freely available on the Internet. These include forgiveness meditations, visualizations, and other exercises. But before doing all this, you need to understand one thing. Your mother is the best for you. This is the kind of mother your soul chose before incarnating in your body, which means that the pain that your mother caused you was also necessary for you. For what? For growing up, for improvement, for growth. In order to become wiser through pain. After all, this is how the soul grows and gains wisdom through suffering.

When you realize that even before birth, your soul itself chose this path, then it is easier to accept and understand your mother, to forgive her. This is when forgiveness practices can be used. Below I will give an example of a meditation that will help you forgive your offense towards your mother:

Meditation “Forgiveness of Parents”

Relax, get comfortable, unplug mobile phone and in general, make sure that no one can interfere with you. Meditation should be done several times, working separately with the mother and separately with the father. You may have your own grievances against each parent, so you need to forgive them separately.

So, imagine your mother in front of you, feel the warmth in your heart towards her, because this is the person who gave you Life! Now mentally return to the past, to the very core of your resentment towards her. Try to relive the situation that hurt you, don’t feel sorry for yourself! You have to experience the pain again, make the wound bleed in order to heal it. Remember all the hurtful words your mother said to you, her actions that forced you to suffer. Relive it again! Get your resentment from the very depths of your soul, free it!

When you feel heartache again, don't keep it to yourself! Tell your mom what you think about her! Here she is standing in front of you. If you want to shout at her, shout! Do you want to say hurtful, rude words to her? Forward! Down with the feeling of guilt, now you need to cleanse your soul of that layer of dirt that has been poisoning your life with toxins for several years. You can express to her everything that has accumulated in your mind, or you can speak out loud, because no one will hear you anyway. Do you want to cry? Cry! Tears will cleanse your soul.

After you have released your buried emotions, see how your mother will react in your imagination. Maybe she will start making excuses, defending herself... Or maybe she will explain why she did what she did. Listen to her, perhaps this is the moment that will clarify a lot in your relationship.

When talking to her, pay attention to your body. How does it react to working with grievances? If you feel discomfort or even pain in some area of ​​your body, this means that there was a block caused by resentment in that very place. Imagine a clear, white stream of healing light entering through the crown of your head. It permeates your entire body and passes through the organ where you felt pain. Imagine that this light washes away all the garbage, all the grievances from your body, from your soul, and fills the space with pure light - the energy of love and forgiveness.

Return your thoughts to your mother. She is still standing in front of you. Go to her and say: “I forgive you. I understand that you didn't want to offend me. I completely accept you for who you are. I love you". Hug your mother, feel the warmth between you, because she is the dearest person in the world! Feel the lightness in your body from forgiveness of the offense, a surge of strength and energy.

Now open your eyes. The meditation is over.

If you have not one, but many grievances towards your mother, then it is better to perform meditation systematically, each time working with a new grievance. In the same way, you forgive your father, imagining him in front of you instead of your mother.

This wonderful club has saved me from despondency many times, and wise advice I have found them useful more than once in my life. I have a problem that I tried to solve myself, but until now this pain has not left my heart.

I can't forgive my mother. As a child, she beat me, including kicking me, pulling out my hair, stabbing me with a knife... I can somehow understand the beatings: she was also beaten in childhood, maybe more than me, but I can’t understand her lack of interest in me , lack of affection. She never spoke to me, I had to listen and agree with her. I was told, more than once, that I was an unwanted child and no one needed me.

At the age of 15 I had anorexia and bulimia, and I couldn’t get rid of bulimia for a very long time (about 10 years). Only pregnancy cured me of this scourge.

My first husband was very similar to my mother. It’s not clear how I chose such a person? He humiliated me, educated me, taught me life. Once he even hit me in the pregnant belly. When the child was 2 years old, I was ready for a divorce. What a relief it was! I calmed down, finally fell in love with myself, and met a man who really appreciates me and literally carries me in his arms. I gained the strength to understand this pain, and not keep it inside.

When I tried a year ago (I’m 32) to ask my mother why, I wanted to understand her, she withdrew into herself, and then with my brother she told me that “you turned out the best because you were beaten the most.” What do you say to that? If she had burst into tears and asked for forgiveness, I would have gladly forgiven her! But...

I don't want to blame my mother, I want to forgive her. I feel sorry for her. She has a hard life at the moment and the gap is not visible. One of my brothers is constantly depressed, the other is a drug addict (hashish). They all live together and occasionally fight with their father.

My son is 6 years old. I have never used physical violence as a method, and I always try to convince other parents who practice “spanking” that there are other methods of education that are much more effective. But few people believe...

How to forgive?

Maria

Olga Taevskaya: My opinion. Your unforgiveness, in my opinion, is based not only on the superficial cause-and-effect relationship “beatings, mother’s dislike - strong resentment - unforgiveness,” but also on a deeper one - “I moved far away, I want to forget the past and do nothing for my mother.” obliged, because she beat me and didn’t love me.”

It is useless to expect your mother, and it is also unlawful, to admit that she is to blame; she will still have her own view of your relationship with her. She, despite the need and unhappy difficult life, raised you and raised you as best she could. Yes, she was unrestrained, took out her feminine dissatisfaction, lack of money and instability, problems on you, broke down, caused pain. But she didn’t give up, she didn’t refuse, she raised her. How could I? If you can’t forgive, it means you don’t need it. Perhaps it is even better not to forgive, so as not to repeat the same mistakes with your children. It will be easier for you not to “repeat”, because the conditions of your life are immeasurably different for the better.

If you can, be grateful to your parents for giving birth to you, raising you as best they could, and giving you a happy destiny. Are you healthy and happy now? This means that they once chose not the worst parents. And to forgive them for intemperance and evil moments is a purely intimate matter for you. But you already feel sorry for your mother, over the years you begin to understand her better - this is your path to forgiveness. But final forgiveness may come only after she passes into another world.

How to forgive your mother? My story about "mother's love"

The closest, dearest, most generous... You say this - and it’s immediately clear to everyone who you mean. Of course, mom. But all mothers are different.

And very often relationships with them need to be built stone by stone, long and persistently, so that nothing ever shakes. But it’s wobbly...

As a child, my mother never made much difference between me and my older brother. “I love you equally,” she said. I was offended because I sincerely believed that girls were weaker and needed a little more of their mother’s affection.

When my brother offended me, and I ran to her to complain, I often heard in response: “don’t make things up,” “figure it out yourself,” “it’s your own fault, I probably teased him,” etc. And I lived in mine small world with dolls, toy furniture, with stray kittens that she picked up anywhere and everywhere. I thought then that my mother simply had no time. She works a lot, takes care of us and dad. But when I grow up, she will definitely be my best friend.

Marriage, own family

After school, at 17, I left my parents’ house for another city, big and hectic. Three years later she got married. When I had my own family, the invisible umbilical cord connecting me to my mother became even thinner.

My husband replaced everyone for me: he was my parent, my husband, and my child. A few years later we finally had a son. I turned my attention to the baby, trying to give him the affection that I had not received from my mother, and my husband, apparently, became jealous and began to move away.

A year and a half later we broke up. It was insulting and very painful. Only kept afloat small child. And here my mother appeared again on the stage of my life.

Return of Mom

By that time, she had already managed to marry my older brother and retire. This is how my little personal dictatorship began. We called each other at least twice a day.

In the morning I received instructions from my mother on how to properly raise a child, feed her, take her for a walk, build relationships with ex-husband how and where to look for work.

In the evening she wanted to hear a report on how I spent the day. Gradually, my mother took complete control of my life. She began to visit often to help with her grandson, and literally from the doorway began to criticize me for any reason.

She could easily move my things from one place to another in my absence, and then, seeing that I couldn’t find something, say: “It’s all because you don’t have order!”

When I, taking advantage of her arrival, tried to arrange my personal life and go to a cafe or cinema, she grumbled: “Why is it so late? You always leave when I arrive, you have a child!” But the most painful thing for me was her habit of criticizing me in the presence of her son. If I forbade something, my mother could say: “But I allow it, when I leave, ban it as much as you want.”

Pull yourself together

At first I swore, and then I pulled myself together and decided that I would not succumb to provocations. I will nod to reproaches and go into another room.

To try to cancel mine mother's word– silently deal with the child as I see fit. “Tell her “yes, yes, mommy,” and do it your own way,” my friend taught me wisely.

Soon I began to notice that my mother calmed down. Now she didn’t say anything to my face, but sometimes she muttered quietly under her breath. I understand that it is difficult for her to demonstrate her love in the traditional way: hug, caress, say that she loves. She believes that her love is expressed in physical help. But I know how words inspire! Kind, sincere.

“Mommy, forgive me.” Everyone said these things in their lives, sometimes without even understanding why. The psyche hides the most traumatic experiences of childhood in memory files very deeply. A good specialist can bring these memories to the surface in a few sessions. The process is very painful, and not everyone dares to do such work. Opening the labyrinths of your memory is not a task for the faint of heart.

Life is cyclical. A woman always gives birth to a man. From generation to generation, the mother passes on her life experience. This happens automatically and unconsciously. All maternal beliefs, restrictions and fears are copied. She accepted this file from her mother, and she received it from hers. You also pass on your accumulated baggage over generations to your children. It turns out to be an endless process. Mom’s picture of the world becomes the main file on the hard drive of the child’s psyche. It's a kind of mental virus. Italian psychotherapist, founder of ontopsychology Antonio Meneghetti called it a “deviation monitor.”

Who's to blame? How to consciously stop the transmission of the virus? What to do?

Human nature is designed in such a way that each of us contains the program of previous generations. Not only settings are copied, but also life scenarios.

You can give an example. The mother is raising her daughter alone. She has a “single mother” scenario, which includes a “man-hatred” program. Her attitudes: “rely only on yourself, all men are your own..., you can’t trust anyone,” will most likely pass on to her daughter as an inheritance. There is a high probability that the daughter will not develop values family relations. She will remain single or have a child out of wedlock. Another example is where a mother gives birth to a son. The son will not receive a male example in his upbringing. Her attitude: “mom knows best” will inhibit his independence. He will become unsure of himself as a man. For him, his mother is an unshakable authority. She kills everything masculine in him. He has little chance of creating a full-fledged partnership in marriage. It’s a rare woman who wants to start a family with a man who doesn’t know how to make decisions and take responsibility. Our lives are filled with such scenarios.

Remember this phrase from childhood again! “Mommy, forgive me!” When you said it, the world changed. All punishments were cancelled, and you could eat the candy. It's time to forgive your mother. It doesn't matter why. For big or small tragedies. They are no longer there. Everything is in the past, which does not exist. All that remained were memories of childhood traumas. Most important point here and now. In this moment you consciously live your life.

Understanding and forgiveness is very important. People spend their whole lives carrying a bag of grievances and unforgiveness with them. Disappointment and dissatisfaction constantly haunt such martyrs.

It's time to realize that there is no one to blame. To free your subconscious from the destructive programs generated by the virus, you need to forgive. Do it!

The great sacrament of forgiveness begins with your mother.

Practice "Forgiveness"

Take a position that is comfortable for you: sitting or lying down. Close your eyes. Feel your breath. Take your time, breathe at your own pace. Relax. Enter a meditative state. Imagine the image of your mother. This could be a photograph of her or an image from a childhood memory. Gradually immersing yourself, remember incidents that evoke an emotional response. You were unfairly punished, forced to do something against your will, told a “crooked” word that hung in your head. There are no exact instructions for this. Everything that comes to you is valuable. Talk to her. The emotional reaction may vary. Tears, laughter, painful manifestations in the body. Don't try to drown out emotional manifestations.

The meaning of the practice is to throw out the fountain of all experiences. Allow yourself to live through the pain to the end. The process is two-way. You ask for forgiveness from your mother and forgive yourself for not being able to understand her, blaming her for your failures, being offended and angry with her for a long time.

At the end, thank yourself for this action.

Don't wait instant results. Do this practice every time you remember it. Better before bed or immediately after waking up. Over time, changes will begin. You may not even notice them. You will make new friends, and someone will move away from you. The world will change. He will become kinder and happier. It is your healed consciousness that creates new pictures of reality. The energy of resentment, anger and disappointment is transformed into the energy of creativity, a positive attitude and the desire to be happy.

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