Ksenia, Ulyanovsk
What should I do if my husband is Muslim and I am Orthodox?
Hello. Our situation is not easy. We have a mixed family: my husband is Muslim, I am Orthodox. Misunderstandings and quarrels occur on this basis. When the child was born, under the pressure of my husband's parents, we spent Muslim rite by name. In turn, we baptized the child secretly from my husband. I have been tormented by my conscience about this for a long time. But I don’t know how to lie, so I told my husband everything, and there was a big scandal. Since then I have been between two fires. My mother says bad things about her husband and his faith, and the husband, therefore, teaches the child Tatar prayers and tells him not to listen to his grandmother, and tells her not to take him to church. They all say this to me, I get upset and don’t know what to do. It is very difficult to maintain neutrality; you don’t want to offend anyone. What to do in such a situation?
Hello! I agree with you - the situation is complex and ambiguous. Moreover, the ambiguity is most likely in you. The husband said, and “ we performed a Muslim ritual" Grandma said, and " we baptized the child" Where are YOU? With whom? The husband is a Muslim and, naturally, would like his child to adhere to the roots of Islam. Your mother belongs to Orthodoxy and wants it to be her way, but at the same time she gave her daughter in marriage to a Muslim, which, according to life practice, usually leads to “ children's» question. Was this issue discussed before the wedding?
The book “The Helmsman,” which contains the rules of the Ecumenical and Local Councils of the Orthodox Church, which determine the attitude of the church community to a particular religious or life problem, warns Christians against marriages with people of other faiths and adherents of sects. Protecting your children and their children from the trouble of falling away from Christ. You got caught...
Now the spiritual destiny of the child is in your hands. The situation will not resolve itself. The choice that you avoided making before the wedding is catching up with you.
The Gospel says:
I did not come to bring peace, but a sword (Matthew 10.34).
A Christian, having received Holy Baptism, enters the army of the Heavenly King. Whether he will fight for his Lord or betray his oath - the choice is his.
Maybe, for the sake of family peace, you will decide to give up and let " Islamization"of your family. Including yourself. But I hope you will feel the heartfelt need to find the sincere Faith of Christ yourself. But not formal: “ I am Orthodox because I was baptized as a child”, but consciously, accepting Christ as HIS savior and God. By praying, studying Holy Scripture, reading the Holy Fathers of the Church and observing and learning the depths of God’s mercy towards man in general and us in particular, you will be able to illuminate both your child and your spouse with the light of your faith. In Islam, Christ is revered as a prophet, and, knowing Orthodox teaching, you can show the true dignity of the Son of God. It's up to you to choose.
We ask you: try to prayerfully find a spiritual father who will help you move through life, prompting and warning you against dangers, abruptness and relaxation. Give, Lord, spiritual wisdom to all of us!
It is not uncommon for young ladies to write on forums that they want to marry a Muslim, their faith does not allow them to drink alcohol, and family always comes first for Muslims. Whether this opinion is erroneous can be found out in this article.
Is it possible to remain a Christian if my husband is Muslim?
Most girls are interested in whether they can not change their faith in order to be the wife of a Muslim. Islamic laws allow you not to renounce your faith, but the child will not be able to profess the Christian faith; he will profess Islam just like his father. Do not forget about the parents of your future husband, if they want their son’s wife to be a Muslim, then you will have to either accept your husband’s faith, or he will break off relations with you, since it is customary for them to contradict their parents.
Features of life with a Muslim husband
Most often, women do not think about how they will live with their husband after marriage, since all their thoughts are occupied only with finding a Muslim husband. Finding such a husband will not be difficult; this can be done both via the Internet and at universities that accept foreign students. But before you do this, think carefully again whether you can live, observing all the rules accepted in Muslim families. Not every woman will be able to adhere to the following rules.
- If you think that your boyfriend is a “modern” Muslim, then you are mistaken. Since most of these men, leaving their father’s house, forget their traditions a little, but returning to their homeland, they again begin to adhere to the traditions that are familiar to them, which may seem alien to you. Therefore, before you take such a serious step, find out better family your chosen one.
- Among righteous Muslims, the wife always obeys her husband; she has no right to contradict him. Although the husband listens to what his wife says, the final decision remains his.
- Main responsibilities Muslim wife is housekeeping, as well as satisfying the needs of the husband.
- A wife should please the eyes only of her husband, therefore, becoming a Muslim wife, you will have to hide your body and jewelry with clothes, if you meet another man, then you need to lower your eyes. This rule applies to Muslim wives, but Christian wives may also be required to comply with this rule.
- It is also not right to refuse intimacy to your husband, unless, of course, these are the days of menstruation or you are sick with something.
- If your husband has not given his consent, then you cannot leave the house and visit someone else's house. You also need to learn to walk silently.
- If the husband can provide and treats all his wives equally, then he is allowed to have 4 wives.
- If a wife persistently shows disobedience, then the husband has the right to physically punish her. With this punishment, no marks should remain on the wife’s body; if they remain, then she can demand a divorce from her husband.
Most likely for not Muslim woman such laws seem a little complicated. But on the other hand, you will get a faithful, honest, sympathetic husband who will love and respect both your family and his own.
This is a union of two people, but partners do not always have similar opinions or religious views. This is why certain difficulties often occur. To be happy with their husband, women are ready to do a lot, even to change their faith. Christians and Muslims - is there a chance to become happy together or should we give preference to a man with different views?
In fact, it's up to you, because if you clearly decided If you are ready to give in and put up with some peculiarities, then there is a high probability that you will be happy. How is the marriage of a Christian and a Muslim different from the marriage of people of the same religion? You will learn about this in this article.
What awaits a woman who decides to marry a Muslim?
1. Religious differences. Some representatives of the fair sex are quite indifferent to faith or even deny any manifestations of it. If you adhere to Christianity, then marrying a Muslim will not be so easy for you. Sometimes it is not so easy to adapt to new rules and principles, especially if you are clearly sure that you are right. If a Muslim gives in or changes his faith, then this is something of an exception, so you should be prepared that you will have to change. You can always remain neutral, but if you are a deeply religious person, you will not be able to do this for long.
2. Other requirements for a wife. Many modern women They are clearly confident that everyone on the planet is equal, regardless of gender, but Muslims do not think so. You will have to come to terms with the fact that your main task will be running the household and being ready to satisfy your husband’s needs at any time. If you are clearly sure that you are not ready to serve a man, it is better to refuse marriage with a Muslim. It is unlikely that a Muslim will forgive you for not preparing dinner or not being ready to have sex.
3. Willingness to obey. A Muslim always believes that he is right, and his wife’s opinion is a secondary concept for him. Remember how their parents forced them to listen and obey? Be prepared that you will have to be like this with your Muslim husband. Some women believe that Muslims do not listen at all to the opinions of their wives and act only as they want. This is not entirely true, because they often consult with their wives. But remember that no matter what you advised or suggested to him, the final decision will remain his. Some people think that this is normal, but for others this attitude is a disadvantage. A smart wife will always be able to present her opinion so that the man thinks that this is his decision, so if your love is strong, it’s worth a try.
4. You can't refuse intimacy . All the excuses about headaches bad mood or problems at work, your Muslim husband will not be interested at all. The wife does not have the right to refuse sex, because he is the head of the family, and his desire is the law. An exception may be when you are on your period or are seriously ill. A headache or simply feeling unwell is not a good reason to refuse sex. Even if you don’t want it at all, you will have to please your loved one and be the most passionate for him.
5. You'll have to hide your body and face. Surely you have heard that many Muslim women cover their faces and bodies. This is necessary so that other men do not have the opportunity to look at you. A Muslim wife can only please the eyes of her husband, and will have to hide from other representatives of the stronger sex. This requirement most often applies to Muslim women, but if you are a Christian and are going to marry a Muslim, be prepared for the fact that this will also be required of you.
6. A Muslim can have 4 wives. In Christianity, it is accepted that one man can be married to one woman, but in Islam polygamy is practiced. Not all Muslims decide to marry more than one woman, so there is a chance that you could be the one for him. Your marriage will be more traditional for you if you stay in your country and do not go to his homeland. If you decide to change your place of residence, there is a high probability that he will eventually introduce you to another of his wives.
7. Your husband has the right to punish you physically. Much has been said about domestic violence, but it is not something scary among Muslims. If a wife does not listen to her husband, shows her character and tries to be an equal with him, he can punish her physically. A rather unpleasant fact, but you must be prepared for it. The most important thing is that no traces of beatings remain on her body, because then the wife has the right to file for divorce.
Don't expect a Muslim to forget his traditions
Many women They sincerely hope that their loved one is quite modern, and all traditions are not as important for him as for more mature representatives of the Muslim faith. Often young guys go to study in other countries, where they meet Christian girls. Of course, they partially forget about some of the rules and principles of their faith, but this is quite short-lived. As soon as he returns to his home, where his loved ones live, he immediately remembers the traditions and adheres to them in strict order. If you decide to go live with your chosen one, then be prepared for the fact that many things will surprise or even shock you. There is a high chance that your boyfriend will behave completely differently than in your country. You can convince yourself as much as you like, but marriage with such a person will not be easy; you will probably have a number of difficulties due to disagreements and differences in faith.
As you can see, a marriage of two people who do not stick to one faith, can be quite complex and specific. You yourself must understand that the choice is yours, so decide what is right for you and what is unacceptable for you. Now you know what the features of marriage with a Muslim are, so you won’t be shocked. Listen to your heart, but don't forget about your mind, because you just might ruin your life.
Islamic canonical marriage law allows marriage unions between Muslims and women of the People of the Book (Christians and Jews). At all times - both during the period of the Prophet's mission and today - Muslim men could marry Christians and Jews.
Today, in the context of globalization and the mixing of cultures, as a result of interfaith marriages, a number of problems arise in families, for example, with raising children in the spirit of the Islamic faith or with instilling in them an Islamic worldview. The demographic factor is also important: marriages of Muslims with non-Muslim women to a certain extent reduce the chances of Muslim women finding a spouse of the same religion, forcing them to marry non-Muslims, which is canonically prohibited.
The overwhelming majority of authoritative scholars of Islam, including theologians of all four madhhabs, expressed the opinion that it is undesirable for a Muslim to marry a woman from the People of the Book. As an argument, the example of the second righteous caliph ‘Umar is given, who, when he was the ruler of the faithful, called on Muslims to divorce their Christian and Jewish wives. Everyone except Huzeifa immediately divorced. The same man divorced his wife after some time, thereby showing that there is no direct prohibition on this kind of marriage in Islam, but the orders of the caliph cannot be disobeyed.
‘Umar’s order was not groundless. In view of the canonical permissibility of Muslim marriages with women from the People of the Book, many Muslims began to marry Christians and Jews, but did not subsequently show a desire to introduce their wives to the Truth of the Quranic gospel and strengthen them in Islamic virtue.
Some theologians, especially of the Hanafi madhhab, declare that this kind of marriage is prohibited (haram) in a non-Islamic state, where Muslims are a minority, since in such conditions, basically, the question of the personal religious status of the believer - the right to live - was and remains unresolved according to the canons of their faith, which presupposes the free exercise of religious needs (including the possibility of timely performing five prayers), regulation of their life in accordance with Sharia law (in matters of family, marriage, inheritance, etc.). An important factor is the nationalistic, anti-Islamic sentiments in society and propaganda in the media in some states, as well as (perhaps as a result of the above) the categorical desire of the non-Muslim spouse to raise children in a different (non-Islamic) religious tradition. This state of affairs cannot but have an impact primarily on families in which the spouse (guardian) hearth and home, mother and teacher of children) is not a Muslim: the spiritual, religious and national-cultural foundations of the family are weakened.
Of course, Islamic canons allow marriages between Muslims, on the one hand, and Christians or Jews, on the other, but one must understand that this permission by the Lord contains hidden wisdom and benefit. A person who has taken the path of truth will try to help his neighbor find this path, will make every effort to ensure that the members of his family hear the Word of the Lord and practice His commandments, which is sometimes difficult to achieve even in a Muslim family if the society and environment do not contribute.
A Muslim who marries a Christian or Jewish woman because of her beauty, but then makes no effort to make her understand and accept Muslim values, falls under the above-mentioned order of Caliph 'Umar. If he neglects this serious warning, then he calls into question the well-being of himself and his children in both worlds.
Summarizing the above, we can conclude that the marriage of a Muslim with a chaste and well-behaved woman of Christian and Jewish cultures is canonically permitted, but it is necessary to take into account (1) the preservation of the status of the husband in the family according to the canons of Islam, (2) the desirability of the wife accepting the Islamic faith and (3) the obligation to raise children in the spirit of morality and religiosity, commanded by the Holy Quran and Sunnah of the final Messenger of God (may the Almighty bless and greet him). And all this must be in the context of faith in the One God, among whose last prophets were Moses, Jesus and Muhammad.
May the Almighty protect us from rash actions and grant us and our descendants ways and opportunities to achieve happiness in the earthly world and in the eternal world!
Answers to questions on the topic
I am Orthodox, and he is Muslim. We fell in love with each other and would like to start a family. Is this possible and under what conditions?
If your feelings are complete, sincere and mutual, then try to see the world through the prism of the worldview in which your loved one lives and, perhaps, you yourself will answer the questions that arise.
I am a baptized Christian, I love a Muslim very much. The love has been mutual for almost five years, but we haven’t been able to start a family because my boyfriend can’t decide on nicknames due to the fact that I don’t accept Islam. His mom doesn't mind me. Recently he turned to his mullah relative for advice, who said that I should definitely convert to Islam.
I feel very good about Islam, knowing that God is One. I want our future children to be Muslims. Yes, and I, perhaps, will accept Islam if I come to it myself. I consider it wrong to take such a responsible step as accepting another faith, knowing practically nothing about it. Please give me some advice. And is it sinful if I convert to Islam because I love a man very much, and he wants to marry a Muslim woman? Tatyana, 27 years old.
You say that the feelings have been mutual for 5 years, but if your intentions are serious, why haven’t you decided after such a long period of time whether you need Muslim spiritual values in your life or not?! And one more thing: if your friend has been cohabiting with you (living as if he were his wife) for all these years, then it is not clear what values he is guided by and what he follows. It turns out that Islam is a kind of formal status, but for the rest - live as you please, the main thing is that words like “live according to the Koran and Sunnah”, “what is it like according to Sharia”, etc. Strange, isn't it?
My Christian wife wants to get married. Can I marry her and then perform a similar ritual according to Muslim traditions? If this is possible, then what and how should be done? Nail, 21 years old.
There is no need to get married, you should not do this, registration with the registry office and a Muslim wedding will be enough.
My fiancé is Muslim, I am a Christian. His parents insist that I change my religion, otherwise I will not be accepted into the family. But I’m not ready for this, or rather, this religion is absolutely unknown to me, to tell the truth, it’s even scary, because, I think, this is a great sin. What should I do? I'm afraid of losing my boyfriend. Veronica, 27 years old.
Yes, a change of belief from the point of view of any confession is regarded as a sin, apostasy. But “there is no compulsion in religion!” (Holy Quran, 2:256). Only your heart can tell you what to do. To get acquainted with Islam, read my books “The Path to Faith and Perfection” and “Peace of the Soul”.
I am a Christian, dating a Muslim. We have a wonderful relationship, but I was married and I'm afraid to tell him about it. I think that if I tell him, he will decide to break up. I’m tired of being silent and it’s becoming more and more difficult to communicate because of this. After all, for him this is a shame, on my part it’s a deception. Irina, 22 years old.
The best thing to do is to tell the truth.
I have Muslim roots, I myself am half Armenian. I would like to connect my life with a Muslim. I am drawn to Islam. But as soon as I begin a relationship with some young man from this environment, after a while everything stops only because I am a foreigner. Answer, why are parents sometimes against the happiness of their children? I come from a decent family, I’m modest and well-mannered, but that’s not what they seem to be looking at.
They, parents, have their own understanding of happiness. For each person it has its own shapes, shades, colors.
I married a Russian girl. After marriage, I found out that she was not a girl, she had a relationship with someone else before me. Can I continue to live with her? Is this allowed or prohibited? Now she is studying Islam and plans to become a Muslim.
Your situation is a sad and common reality of our time. In this case, you canonically have the right to divorce, but you can also continue to live with her if you think that she has repented of what she did and is not going to repeat this kind of sinful and harmful actions.
I hope you yourself did not have an intimate relationship with anyone before marrying her.
Please tell me what should a Muslim do if he is married to a non-Muslim woman who does not accept Islam, although she verbally says that she wants to become a Muslim, but in fact does nothing?
Be a full-fledged Muslim, that is, a person from whom only good, positive, creative energy comes, both in relation to others and in relation to oneself (the desire to successfully realize one’s capabilities and constantly improve oneself intellectually, physically, spiritually). This will require a serious attitude from you and a lot of energy and effort, but everything will quickly pay off in the end. Don’t be rude, don’t force, and you will see how those around you will transform as a result of your personal transformation. "Example is more powerful than preaching" (S. Johnson).
Do you think that I, a Muslim, can marry a Christian girl who wants to convert to Islam, as it seems to me, for my sake, for the sake of marriage (not out of conviction yet)? Jimmy.
Theoretically, you can, but practically, it is very responsible and has dangerous prospects for you and your future children.
Is it permissible for a Muslim man to live with a non-Muslim wife even though he has called and admonished her many times? I know that a Muslim can live with a Christian Jewish wife. What if it doesn’t belong to either the first or the second?
The question of whether it is possible to live with a non-Muslim wife (especially one who is neither Christian nor Jewish) would be relevant if asked before marriage, and not now, when the relationship has already been realized.
For a Muslim, as a submissive person devoted to God, in such a situation, patience is the only key to preserving the family, especially one in which there is a child who needs both paternal and maternal care. In addition, it can be very difficult for a person who has formed as an individual in a society in which spirituality is clearly in decline to change his inner world, fill it with faith, and even more so to understand and accept the final Scripture revealed to all humanity, especially when there is no living example of Muslim virtue, for example, in the person of her beloved husband. By the way, some married couples took years to come to the Divine Truth.
My husband is Tatar, Muslim, I am Orthodox, and very religious, observing all fasts and canons, from a non-drinking and non-smoking family. Before the wedding, my husband assured me that there should be no questions about religion with the child, that I could raise my children in my traditions. But now, when I am pregnant, he walks around sad, dejected, I can guess why. He is afraid that I will give the child a Christian name, that the child will not know Muslim traditions. What to do? I love my husband very much and don’t want him to be upset. He says that even if I do it my way, he will never leave me, but will live his whole life in melancholy and sadness, as if withdrawing into himself. It's like he's blackmailing me. Is it possible to circumcise a child, read the azan and iqamat, and then baptize him in the church? Is it possible to instill two faiths in a child at once and is it not considered a terrible sin if the child attends a mosque and a church? To me, as an educated and urban person, it seems possible, given the century we live in, to avoid family conflicts and reproaches.
Islam is the stage of religious development of mankind, following Judaism and Christianity. It is unrealistic to inculcate several religions at once, especially when there are serious differences between them. For a believer, if he really understands the meaning and significance of his religion, this is absurd, this is, as they say, neither here nor there. Your husband’s reaction is clear, understand that he, as the head of the family, must answer before God on the Day of Judgment for the righteousness and correctness of his wife and children’s beliefs.
See, for example: al-Zuhayli V. Al-fiqh al-Islami wa adillatuh. In 11 vol. T. 9. P. 6654.
The order of the Caliph concerned only those Muslims whose wives during their married life did not accept Islam and did not become Muslims.
An excellent article for Muslims and Muslim women, as well as for those who are interested in Islam and the relationship between men and women in Islam. It also explains issues that, unfortunately, not all Muslim men observe, which is one of the reasons for the spread of various “myths” about the position of women in Islam among non-Muslims.
Hajia B. Aisha Lemu
THE IDEAL HUSBAND IS A MUSLIM
Much ink was wasted, and the air was filled with controversy in which they tried to define the role of a Muslim woman, the rights and responsibilities of a Muslim woman, and what an ideal Muslim wife is. We felt it necessary to discuss this in books and articles because there were many misconceptions. But since a man and a woman are interdependent, you should not discuss one and remain silent about the other. When I was recently invited to discuss the topic “The ideal wife is a Muslim,” I gave myself the task of preparing a lecture “The ideal husband is a Muslim.” It seems to many men that women, and especially their wives, should be ideal Muslims, while they themselves and their friends can behave as they please, without remembering either the Koran or the Sunnah and forgetting about Sharia.
Therefore, this article is intended to restore balance, to shine the spotlight on a man so that he also knows what an ideal Muslim husband is and tries to achieve this standard as much as he wants his wife to be ideal wife- Muslim. Naturally, the only place to look for these standards of behavior is the Quran and Sunnah.
So let's start from the beginning. What should be the behavior of an ideal husband before marriage? After all, a man should not completely change his character after marriage. The bride with whom he joins his life is a person whose personality and habits have already been formed to a certain extent. What should be the relationship between a girl and a guy before marriage? Islam does not recognize the view, common in Western secular countries, that before marriage a young man can use the “services” of prostitutes or simply sleep with everyone or be in a “trial” marriage. For all these actions, the Koran prescribes a legal punishment of 100 blows (Light, verse 2).
The Qur'an also says:
“And let those who do not find the possibility of marriage be abstinent until Allah enriches them with His bounty” (Light, verse 33).
To help young man In this situation, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) in the hadith of Al-Bukhari advises:
“Young people, those of you who can support a wife should marry. Without looking at women and maintaining your chastity, those who cannot, let them fast and remain calm.”
Those who can get married, how to do it?
We mean that the Western practice of having a "girlfriend" or "trial" marriage is absolutely prohibited for Muslims. On the contrary, family and family friends are expected to play an important role in finding a suitable match. This process necessarily includes a detailed discussion of the character and all the characteristics of the future spouses before feelings appear between a guy and a girl. And as a result, there will be no unwanted temptations, seductions and mental illnesses that are common in Western courtship and intimate relationships before marriage.
The boy and his parents are expected to put more effort into finding the desired match, as implied in the hadith narrated by Abu Hurairah, where the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) advises:
"You can look for a woman by her wealth, her family (nobility), beauty or her religion. But you are looking for a religious woman. If you do this, taking into account other considerations, your hands are in filth." (Hadis are given in the collections of Al-Bukhari and Muslim).
In other words, the key to happy marriage are the moral qualities of the spouses. Therefore, a Muslim groom approaches marriage with the responsibility of a person who wants to build a family on the most beautiful foundations of love and mutual understanding, and not being carried away by the beauty, wealth or social status of the bride.
The Qur'an describes marriage in these terms:
"From His signs - that He created for you from among yourselves wives, so that you could live with them, and established love and mercy between you. Truly. in this is a sign for a people who reflect!" (Rumah, verse 21).
Allah Almighty also said:
"...They (wives) are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them..." (Cow, verse 187).
Having found a bride in a pious manner, married her as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) prescribed, celebrating this holiday with people, but with a minimum of fuss and show, how to now lead married life and what are the responsibilities of a husband?
The first duty is to support the wife and protect her, responsibility for her well-being as described in the Quran:
“Husbands are superior to wives because Allah has given some advantage over others, and because they spend from their wealth...” (Women, verse 34).
This includes food, clothing and a place to live for the wife and children. This is a legal obligation that continues even after divorce until the end of the iddah1 or, according to some scholars, even more. Financial responsibility for the family rests entirely with the husband, and the wife is not obliged to bear family expenses unless she herself wants to do so.” The husband's legal responsibilities are not limited to supplying necessary things and protection. He must keep her company, fulfill his marital duties and avoid causing her any harm. These duties are strictly prescribed by Sharia law. If a man refuses to support his wife or visit her for more than a certain period of time, the wife has grounds to demand a divorce through the Sharia court. Likewise, if she proves to the court that her husband caused her harm - idrar, or by drinking alcohol, or hitting her without a legal reason, or insulting her or her parents, etc., she is given the opportunity to divorce. In none of these cases can the husband demand anything back, be it a dowry or gifts. Be that as it may, the spouse should avoid divorce, as stated in the Quran, and try to save the marriage, even if it is not ideal.
Allah Almighty said:
“Treat them with dignity. If you hate them, then perhaps something is hateful to you, and Allah has arranged a great good in it” (Women, verse 19).
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) also emphasized the undesirability of divorce in a hadith from the collection of Abu Dawud:
“The most hateful thing of all things lawful in the sight of Allah is divorce.”
Therefore, an ideal husband, if the need arises, should make full use of all the means prescribed in the Qur'an for reconciliation and reconciliation before divorce. It should be noted that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), an ideal husband, never divorced any of his wives. (See Women, verse 34).
If a man divorces his wife, he should do so without anger and in an attempt to find reconciliation before the divorce is pronounced for the third time. Divorce cannot be pronounced during the wife's menstruation, but can be pronounced when menstruation has ended but sexual activity has not yet resumed. (See Divorce, verse 1).
In other words, divorce should not be pronounced in anger or casually, but only at certain times when the husband is in control and the wife is not upset, which sometimes accompany menstruation.
The husband must continue to treat his wife well, even if a divorce has already been completed. He must maintain and feed her as before in his house until the end of the Iddah. without disturbing her (See Divorce, verses 1.6), providing her according to his wealth. He should not take back any gift given before or during the marriage.
Allah Almighty said:
“Divorce is twofold: after it, either keep it, according to custom, or release it with a benefit. And you are not allowed to take anything from what you gave them...” (Cow, verse 229).
On the contrary, the husband must give ex-wife a gift or some form of support for her after the divorce. (See Cow, verse 241).
And if after a divorce a woman wants to marry someone else, then ex-husband has no right to prevent this:
“And when you have given a divorce to your wives and they have reached the end of their iddah, then do not prevent them from marrying other men if they agree among themselves according to what is accepted...” (Cow, verse 232).
Also, the husband should know that he is not the only one, in accordance with Sharia, who has the possibility of custody of children after a divorce (as is considered in many countries). It is the wife who is given priority in the custody of the children, in accordance with the hadith narrated by Amr bin Shuaib from Ibn Majah, who tells how a woman came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said: “My belly was used as a container for my son, my chest served as a leather bag for him (for milk), I kept him in my bosom (in peace), and now his father gives me a divorce and wants to take him from me.”
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
"You have more right to have him until you get married again."
In the Maliki school this rule is generalized and priority in the care of the child is given to the mother and five other relatives before the father can take care of him. This care lasts until the son's puberty and the daughter's marriage, while financial responsibility for their maintenance remains with the father.
Knowledge about the necessary separation of children should be an obstacle against indiscriminate divorces of some husbands. It is also necessary to remember that the husband must be as sincere a believer in marriage as the wife. The reward for adultery for a married person, man or woman, according to Sharia, is death. The fact that this retribution may not apply in some places and at certain times does not make the sin less sad in the eyes of Allah. Sin that has not been atoned for in this world will follow the one who committed it to the grave.
Therefore, the spouse should not neglect the following instruction of Allah in the Quran:
“Tell the believers, let them lower their gaze and take care of their members: this is purer for them. Verily, Allah is knowledgeable of what they do!” (Light, verse 30).
Those married men who drive around in their cars looking for schoolgirls to give them rides disgrace themselves and lose all right to demand piety from their wives.
If for some serious reason a husband cannot make do with one wife, but does not want to divorce her, he is not prohibited from entering into another marriage, doing so in a legal and pious manner. The permission to have more than one wife at the same time, however, has conditions:
“...And if you are afraid that you will not be fair between them, then only on one...” (Women, verse 3).
This condition is often looked upon very lightly in countries where polygamy has become a tradition. However, there are no meaningless words in the Quran; this verse should not be overlooked. A weak husband will not be respected and treat his wives fairly, so his marriage to more than one will lead to injustice, constant disharmony and family breakdown, which is not in the interests of him, them and the entire Muslim Ummah. If, having more than one wife, a husband feels that his heart is directed towards one of the wives to the detriment of the others, he is warned that this desire does not deny the needs of other wives.
“And you will never be able to be fair between wives, even if you wanted it. Do not evade with all your evasion, so as not to leave her, as it were, in limbo” (Women, verse 129).
This warning is further reinforced by a hadith in which Abu Hurayrah reports that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
“Whoever has two wives and is not fair to them will come on the Day of Resurrection with half his body hanging down.” (Abu Dawud, Naszi, Ibn Majah).
We have sufficiently studied the laws on which marriage and divorce are based, as described in the Quran.
We now need examples to illustrate and clarify, taken from the Sunnah, as stated in the Qur'an:
"There was for you in the Messenger of Allah a good example (of behavior) for those who trust in Allah and the Last Day and remember Allah much.”
How did the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) behave as a husband? It is clear that all his actions were completely legal, but how did he interact with his wives every day? A huge amount of information can be gleaned from hadiths and Sira (biography of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him).
His main principles in relationships with his wives were the principles expressed in the well-known hadiths of Al-Bukhari and Muslim:
"Those believers who have a kinder disposition and are more kind to their families have a more perfect faith."
“The best of you are those who are kinder to their wives.”
How was the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) himself an example of such kindness?
Firstly, he was not difficult to communicate with and was not a tyrant who viewed all housework as “women's affairs.”
In the hadith of Al-Bukhari, Aisha answers Al-Aswal bin Yazid's question about what the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to do at home. She replied: " He usually worked for the family, served it; when the time for prayer came, he went to pray."
Another hadith tells us that he used to mend his clothes himself. Secondly, he was not a picky eater. In Muslim's collection there is a hadith transmitted by Abu Huraira: " The Messenger of Allah never looked for flaws in food. If he liked something, he ate it; if not, he abstained from it. And he never complained about the food or the cook".
Aisha reports that whenever she saw the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), he always approached her expressing sympathy. He was not ashamed that everyone knew that his love for his wives was greater than for all other people. In the collections of Al-Bukhari and Muslim there is a hadith saying that someone asked the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “Who do you love most?” and he answered: “Aisha.”
This love and understanding with Aisha did not obscure the high opinion he had of his first wife, Khadija, who was his only wife from the age of twenty-five until her death. Aisha reported that he always held in high regard the memory of Khadija, who had helped and encouraged him during several difficult years in Mecca, and he regularly gave gifts to Khadija's close friends as an expression of his undiminished respect and love for her (after her death). He never kept himself aloof from his wives, as if they were by nature inferior to him. On the contrary, he considered “games with wives” to be one of the acceptable entertainments. According to the hadith of Abu Dawud, Ibn Majah and Bayhaki: “There are no amusements (amusements) that are worthy of praise except three: horse-dressing, sports with wives, and archery.”. To illustrate, Aisha said that she and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to run a race, and sometimes she won, and sometimes he won.
Nowadays most men consider sports games with wives as something that belittles their dignity, and because of this they married life becomes duller and paler. I believe that this is one of the problems in our study of the life of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). Most history books dwell on the political or military aspect of the life of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and his personality, which constantly attracts attention, eludes us. We tend to imagine him always serious, while the hadith informs us that although he rarely laughed out loud, “ no one ever smiled as often as he did."
And this is perfectly expressed in the hadith:
“Smiling at your (Muslim) brother is charity.”
The attitude of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) towards girls and girls' education is an excellent clarification of what is described in the Qur'an. The Quran not only prohibits the practice of the times of al-Jahiliyyah (ignorance) of killing girls in infancy, but also condemns the common practice of showing displeasure or anger at the birth of a girl child. (See Bees, verses 58-59).
A hadith narrated by Ibn Abbas encourages the opposite:
"Whoever has a girl and does not bury her alive, does not despise her, does not prefer boys to her, Allah will enter him into Paradise." (Hadith cited by Abu Dawud).
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) showed the greatest love and affection for his daughters, especially Fatima. Aisha reports that " Wherever the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) saw Fatima, he warmly greeted her, got up from his seat to kiss her, then took her by the hand and sat her in his place." (Hadith cited by Al-Bukhari).
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) declared that every Muslim - woman or man - should seek, acquire knowledge, and prescribed education for all children in the following form:
"There is no gift from parents that is superior to all other gifts from parents to a child and better than a good broad (multidisciplinary) education." (At-Tirmidhi and Al-Bukhari).
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) specifically emphasized the education of girls:
“Whoever has two sisters or two daughters, and he gives them a wide education and treats them well and gives them in marriage, for him there is Paradise.” (Abu Dawud, At-Tirmidhi).
What concerns the education of girls is reflected in the education of Aisha, who was a girl when she married Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and she was only 18 years old when he died2.
She was a natural learner, a good thinker, and he taught her as much as she was willing to learn. He was so pleased with her training that he even said:
"You can learn half your religion from that pink-cheeked girl."
Therefore, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) encouraged people to consult her on religious matters, and after his death she became one of the main sources of hadith. From all this we can see that the resistance of some people to the education of their daughters is not only wrong, but also completely contrary to the teachings and practices of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him). An ideal husband is a Muslim, so he will provide a good education to both his daughters and sons.
The Prophet's (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) respect for the intelligence of wives was also reflected in his willingness to counsel his wives and give them good advice. An example of this practice can be found in the case of Hudaibiya. Many Muslims expressed reluctance to accept this treaty. They did not want to return home without completing the pilgrimage, and viewed some parts of the treaty as unacceptable to Muslims. Therefore, they were unwilling to obey his instructions to slaughter their sacrificial camels and shave their heads, which would symbolize that the pilgrimage was over and the matter was closed. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) retired to his tent in difficulty and told his wife Umm Salamah everything that had happened. She advised him: “Go and show that you have completed your pilgrimage.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) followed her advice and slaughtered his camel, loudly saying: “Bismillah, Allahpu Akbar.” After this, the Muslims forgot their reluctance and hastened to make their sacrifices.
The presence of Umm Salam on this journey demonstrates another aspect of the relationship of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) with his wives. One or more of them almost invariably accompanied him on his campaigns and travels. To make everything fair, the wives drew lots to see which of them should accompany him. His wives were not locked up and could freely communicate with other people. They dressed in modest clothing (hijab), went out of the house and saw whoever they needed, and themselves participated when necessary, for example, in caring for the wounded in battle.
Umar once criticized the wife of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) Saudah for leaving the house, saying that he recognized her on the street. She turned to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) for support, and he supported her, saying:
"A woman has the right to go out if she needs it." (Reported by Aisha. Hadith Al-Bukhari).
Also, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) allowed his wives and other women to enter the mosque for prayers. He also advised other men:
“Do not prevent the female slaves of Allah from coming to the houses of Allah (mosques).” (Hadith in the collection of Muslim).
An ideal Muslim husband will never take the liberty of imposing more restrictions on his wife than Allah and His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) limited her to the wives in his family.
All this shows that the wife of an ideal Muslim husband is protected, but not oppressed, and that is why she is happy and content. Therefore, a Muslim husband is expected to please his wife whenever it pleases her.
Quran says:
“O you who believe! Protect your souls and your families from the fire, the fuel for which is people and stones. Above it are the angels, rough, strong - they do not disobey Allah in what He has ordered, and do what they are ordered ". (Prohibition, verse 6).
Therefore, it is the husband's duty to ensure that his wife is sufficiently educated as a Muslim. If this was neglected in her parents' house, he must correct the situation by teaching her himself or doing it in another way. The man is expected to be the leader in the family. We have seen that this form of leadership is not a form of dictatorship or tyranny. Good husband, as will be shown, consults with his wife on important issues concerning the family, and if she sees that her advice is good, she will accept it. Islam gives a man the authority of being the head of the family and he is expected to adhere firmly to the Quran and Sunnah and make every effort to ensure that the entire family does not neglect Islamic norms of behavior.
Treating your wife kindly does not include being indifferent to her misbehavior. The Qur'an prescribes a series of three actions that a husband must take if his wife's actions show disregard for Islamic norms.
The first step is for her husband to seriously explain the consequences of her actions. If she does not respond to his sincere entreaties, his next step is to break off the marital relationship for the time being. If this step is also ignored, the husband is allowed to beat her lightly as a final act of discipline. If she submits, the husband does not have to do anything else.
"...And those whose disobedience you fear, exhort and leave them on their beds and strike them. And if they obey you, then do not seek a way against them - verily, Allah is exalted, great!" (Women, verse 34).
This beating is the last resort, not the first, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) established certain boundaries for this:
a) you must not hit the face or other easily vulnerable places;
b) it must not cause suffering, damage or leave marks on the body.
The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said that if a man should beat his wife, this action should be more or less symbolic, something like a toothbrush. The Prophet himself (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) did not like wife beating, and he himself never did it. Abu Dawud's collection of hadith reports that Laqid bin Sabrah said:
"Admonish your wife, and if there is any good in her, she will receive it; and do not beat your wife as slaves are beaten."
In the hadith collections of Abu Dawud and Ibn Majah there is this:
“Do not beat the slaves of Allah” (i.e. good Muslim women).
At-Tirmidhi has a hadith in his collection, transmitted by Amr ben al-Ahuas: " And convince your wives with good things; verily, they married you: you have no power over them at all, except if they do obvious abominations, but if they appeal to you, then do not seek a way against them. And verily, you have rights over your wives and your wives have rights over you."
Therefore, a Muslim husband has no right to beat his wife indiscriminately and habitually for minor offenses, and if he does so, the wife has the right to seek a divorce in the Shariah court. Also, as we see, Islam does not give a man the right to beat his wife so much that sometimes one might think that she endured 10 rounds in the boxing ring - she is so wounded. The phenomenon of wife beating is not unique to Muslims, it is common throughout the world. However, some Muslims unfairly claim that they have religious sanction when they beat their wives, when in most cases they only beat them because they themselves have a violent nature or are in a bad mood.
Bad mood needs to be controlled, not to take it out on more weak women. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said this:
“It is not the one who throws people to the ground who is strong, but the one among you who is able to control himself in anger.” (Reported by Abu Hurayrah, Al-Bukhari and Muslim).
Aisha describes the self-control of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) as follows:
"The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) never beat any of his wives or slaves. He did not strike anyone with his hand except at the command of Allah or to prevent those who insulted Allah, and he carried out retribution in the name of Allah."
The ideal Muslim husband will therefore try to achieve the practice of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), who generally avoided beating wives, and will try to discourage others from doing so.
This will lead us to another interesting aspect of the relationship of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) with his wives. He allowed his wives to do what is called "return response back
". This is an example to those men who think that a woman, like a child, should be in sight, but should not be heard. There are several recorded examples when the companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) argued with him or his wives regarding this practice. However, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) always allowed his wives to express their opinions.
An incident recounted by Ibn Ishaque Sirat Rasul Allah (an early biographer of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) is worth knowing: “One day Umar reproached his wife for something and she sharply returned the answer to him, and when he demanded an explanation, she replied that the wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to return the answer to him, so why shouldn’t she this." And she added, referring to her daughter (Hafsa), "who spoke her mind without embarrassment, from morning to evening."
. Greatly agitated by this, Umar went to Hafsa, who did not deny that her mother had spoken the truth. “You have neither the grace of Aisha nor the beauty of Zainab,” he said, trying to hurt her self-confidence, but when he saw that his words had no result, he said: “Are you sure that if you anger the Prophet (yes Allah bless him and greet him), Allah will not destroy you in His wrath? Then he went to his cousin Umm Salamah (who was the other wife of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)) and said: “Is it true that you expressed your opinion to the Messenger of Allah and answered him without respect?” “I swear by everything beautiful.” , said Umm Salama. “What makes you go between the messenger and his wives?” “Yes, by Allah, we tell him our opinion, and if he allowed us to do this, it was his business, if he forbade us, then he found us.” more submissive than we are submissive to you." Then Umar realized that he had gone far and left.
In this case, we clearly hear the voice of a woman who respects her husband not because she is afraid of him or is a hypocrite, but loves and admires him. The fact that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) allowed his wives to express their opinions shows that he never viewed women as slaves or second-class citizens, but as people whom Allah has given intelligence and the ability to separate truth from falsehood as well. like men. In another hadith, Aisha goes even further, saying that if the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told her something and she questioned his words, he would give her an explanation until she was satisfied. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) did not tell her that she had no right to argue with him or contradict him because he was the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and a man, while she was only a young woman. On the contrary, he highly valued her critical abilities and a clear mind.
From all this we see that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) had a calm inner certainty and natural leadership abilities, that he did not need to assert himself over his wives and did not fight with them. Men who behave like tyrants at home, demanding their rights through violence and argument, usually weak men, suffering from a hidden inferiority complex and afraid that the mental and moral superiorities of their wives will be revealed. To prevent this, they intimidate them so that they are afraid to open their mouths in the presence of their husbands.
Another example illustrates how the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) asserted his leadership without the use of harsh words and violence. The story will be told of what he did with his wives when they became very demanding of the comforts of this world. Aisha reports that before the capture of Khaybar, she did not know what it meant to eat enough dates. The wives of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), knowing very well the general poverty of the Muslims of Medina, asked him only for what was necessary. After the capture of Khaybar, rich in agricultural products, the situation of the Muslims improved, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) could give gifts to his wives, and they very quickly became accustomed to comfort. This caused problems, because in fairness, what is given to one should be given to all, and this cannot always be done. The events described developed among several of his wives. When his advice fell on deaf ears, he took the next step prescribed by the Koran: he broke off contact with them and began to live on the covered veranda, which was the only place where he could live, excluding his wives' apartments. Rumors spread that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) divorced his wives, and the wives repented of their demands on him. Then, through Umar, he let them know that he was not divorcing them, but did not want to see either of them until the end of the month.
At the end of the month, he called his wives one by one and offered them a choice in accordance with the new revelation from Allah:
“O Prophet, tell your wives: “If you want the next life and its embellishments, then come: I will let you enjoy and let you go in a wonderful way. But if you want Allah and His Messenger and the final home, then Allah has prepared a great reward for those who do good among you" (Honim, verses 28-29).
All the wives replied: “Verily, I desire Allah and His Messenger and a place in the Hereafter,” and none of the wives chose otherwise. This event is given in several collections of hadiths, including those of Al-Bukhari and Muslim.
Here we saw a husband who, despite his love for his wives, did not create injustice between them and did not put himself in a difficult position by trying to satisfy their desires beyond what was necessary. He did not fit the role of a husband under his thumb. His firmness quickly forced his wives to look at the matter with their usual responsibility, and peace in the house was restored without divorce and harsh words.
Cases like this make it clear why the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) is considered a great example for Muslims in all aspects of life. It is clear from them that he was indeed an ideal husband. He was pure in both thought and deed, and very kind, according to his own words:
“Verily Allah is blameless and loves the blameless, pure and loves the pure, merciful and loves the merciful, kind and loves the good.” (At-Tirmidhi reported this).
Another important trait of his was his love for children. For a mother, love for her children is almost automatic, and this love and concern for their well-being accompanies her until the end of her days. Some men do not share this love for children and view it as "women's concern." In our society today, it is common that the mother often plays a leading role in the care and maintenance of children, in paying school fees and monitoring their behavior, etc. It is of course good that a mother shows her love and affection, but how can a father justify his detachment from moral and financial responsibility and ignoring paid education and raising his children?
We are referring to the role of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) in raising his daughters (until the girls reached mature age) and a statement about the education of both sexes. There are many hadiths describing his love for children and how this love was usually expressed. For example, a hadith from Abu Hurayrah in the collections of Al-Bukhari and Muslim tells us:
“The Prophet of Allah was kissing his grandson Hasan, son of Ali in the presence of Aqr bin Habis, when Aqr said: “I have children, but I have never kissed any of them.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) looked at him and said:
“What can I do for you if Allah has taken mercy from your heart. Those who are unmerciful to others will also not experience mercy.”
The Muslim family is therefore a very strong family. Mutual understanding between husband and wife lies at its core. Islamic upbringing of children is one of its most important functions. For the Islamic Ummah to succeed, both husband and wife must know their responsibilities and constantly control themselves, adhering to the Islamic way of behavior in the family. In the end, it is interesting to remember the qualities of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) mentioned at the beginning of the article. Some men are afraid that by adhering to Islamic norms of behavior they will scare off a woman, but this, of course, is a mistake. Therefore, those men who want to make their marriage happy, let them follow the example of the blessed Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him).
I pray to Allah to give our brothers the fortitude to achieve high moral qualities and through this achieve happiness in marriage. I pray to Allah to guide my sisters and make them worthy to be wives ideal husbands— Muslims.
And in conclusion, let us give praise to Allah, the Lord of all worlds.
1 - Iddah (Arabic) - the period during which a woman, after the death of her husband or divorce, has no right to marry.
2 - It should come as no surprise that Aisha was engaged at age 6 and married at age 8. As is known, southern peoples, including Arabs, mature early. An example of this is the youngest grandmother - arab woman 17 years old.
