Love relationships don't always work out the way we would like. People often talk about cheating not because they are interested in this topic, but because quite often one of the spouses cheats. Most often, men do not bother themselves with fidelity. However, cases of female infidelity cannot be ruled out.

Let's start with the fact that many people (both men and women) make a mistake when they learn about the betrayal of their other halves - they swear never to love. Like, if they have already been betrayed once, then now you can’t trust anyone. It should be understood that such a position will lead a person to the following consequences:

  1. It will be difficult for him to leave, because, looking into his future, he will see himself alone. How else can events turn out if a person doesn’t trust anyone?
  2. It will be difficult for him to start new life, since he will believe that betrayal awaits him there too.
  3. It will be difficult for him to start a new relationship with another partner, since he will already suspect him of possible betrayal.

In order not to fill your head with all sorts of nonsense, understand that only one person betrayed you. You don’t yet know how other partners with whom you will build relationships will behave. They may be faithful, unlike your current significant other.

After the news of a woman's betrayal, it is rare that a man will calmly react to this and be able to forgive. Often a man divorces his wife because he can no longer see, touch or sleep next to her. If a man understands that he cannot forgive his wife, then he should separate or contact a psychologist if he still wants to save his family.

The self-esteem suffers quite a lot for everyone who finds out about the betrayal of their significant other. If you decide to divorce your wife because you cannot forgive, you don’t want to do this, you no longer believe her, you don’t want to be with her, and all your good feelings have faded away, then you should correctly take all the first steps on the path to a new life.

Breaking of marriage bonds - sadness or joy?

The divorce process will require a lot of strength and mental energy. It seems that men go through divorce easier because they don’t shed tears into their pillows, don’t cry in front of all their friends and acquaintances, don’t walk around with bags under their eyes, etc. However, this opinion is wrong. If women show the whole society how they suffer, then men are forced to hide their feelings and experiences, since such behavior is considered a manifestation of strength. It seems that the man is rejoicing, but in fact the severance of the marriage bond makes him very sad.

The divorce process itself is unpleasant event, because he says that all hopes and plans for a wonderful future with a particular woman will never come true. Everything you have tried and worked for must now be destroyed.

If, after the destruction of a family, the issue of determining the place of residence of common children is still being decided, then this will also require a lot of effort. Disputes may still arise regarding the division of joint property, where the opinions and desires of the former spouses will clearly differ. Thus, you should prepare for the fact that it will be very hot and unpleasant, since all disputes may be accompanied by insults and further criticism of each other.

How should we feel about what is happening? In order to survive the period of divorce from his wife and emerge victorious, a man should focus not on what is happening, but on what he will ultimately come to when everything is over.

Suffering begins for men if they become fixated on their worries because their wives have cheated, they will have to get a divorce, divide children, property, decide on meetings with children, listen to reproaches and see women in companies with their lovers. However, you shouldn't do this. You can understand that you are unpleasant that your wife has cheated and now comes to you to meet with her lover. Never mind that, though. You have decided to break up with a woman who is no longer “yours.” Let her be “dragged” and used by everyone who wants it, since she is so greedy.

Treat divorce proceedings how to get started happy life. Remember all those unpleasant moments when you had to suffer because of criticism, insults and constant dissatisfaction with you from your wife. Think that now you will come home where no one will criticize or humiliate you.

You relieve yourself of responsibility for the preservation of relationships that may have long since outlived their usefulness. Otherwise, the wife would not have gone to the left if everything in your relationship was smooth.

You now have the chance to meet other women and sleep with as many ladies as you want. You don't owe them anything. You are not cheating on anyone. Finally you can feel like a real man.

Imagine how much free time and energy you will have that you previously spent on your ex-wife. Now no one will stop you from fishing or hunting, watching your favorite shows and spending your evenings the way you want. There are so many advantages that result from divorce - family is not worth your energy if your significant other no longer needs it.

What is life like after divorce?

The problem with starting a new life after divorce is that a person gets used to living a certain way. No matter what the family is like, no matter how the relationship with the wife develops, no matter how tired of her constant dissatisfaction and criticism, the man is already accustomed to all this. Suffering begins after a divorce only because the man is not ready and does not want to get used to the new image.

This is where the situation needs to be corrected. Usually people discuss the topic of how difficult it will be for a woman to live after a divorce from her husband. And how a man will live is usually not discussed for the same reason, because men do not show their tears and experiences.

In order to more or less easily go through the period of adaptation to a new life after a divorce, a man is recommended to maintain connections with people who may perceive him in a deplorable way and not condemn him for such behavior. These could be relatives or good friends who understand that at first they will be overcome by negative emotions when a man misses and suffers for his ex-wife.

You should remember the reason for the divorce - the wife cheated. You should remember those moments when a woman did not appreciate her husband and how he suffered because of this. Now you should realize that a new life has begun, when a man is not obliged to anyone, should not listen to complaints against him, and should not suffer. You don't have to suffer if you don't want to waste your time on it!

TO bachelor life You'll have to get used to it the first time. Give yourself this time. Do not demand an immediate restructuring of yourself so that you are no longer overcome by unpleasant emotions. Understand that you will suffer for some time, despite the fact that you broke up with the cheater. And you will suffer not for your ex-wife, but because of her actions, which prompted you to take an unpleasant step for yourself, but necessary - to get a divorce.

Stages of Awareness of Loss

Even if a man initiated a divorce due to his wife’s infidelity, he will still go through 5 stages of realizing the loss. Despite the presence of objective reasons for no longer keeping the family together, the man will go through certain stages of getting used to his new life. These stages are:

  1. Negation. At first, the man will not believe what happened. He will not believe in his wife’s betrayal, in her boorish behavior or in her confession of what happened. He will not believe that there is no more family, and now he is free again.
  2. Aggression. At this stage, the man begins to feel irritated and angry. He understands what happened and he doesn't like it. He is offended by his wife for her treacherous act. He is offended by fate for what happened. He may be offended at himself for divorcing his wife.
  3. Bargain. At this stage, the man begins to bargain with himself. Often here a person begins to imagine situations in which his wife is trying to return to him, trying to make peace. The man begins to bargain with his wife in his mind under what conditions he will return to her. He also sets a time frame for how long he will continue to suffer for his wife, after which he will forget about her and will not return, even if she comes to him to make peace.
  4. Depression. Here the man finally fully accepts everything that happened to him. This is unpleasant for him. He feels his own loneliness and some emptiness.
  5. New life. If a man does not get stuck in the previous stages and reaches this stage, then he begins to feel like his life is passing by while he suffers. He understands that it’s time to stop suffering and start doing something, somehow moving on with his life. It is here that he begins to set new goals and achieve them.

How to start a new life?

Divorce on your own initiative does not necessarily mean that starting a new life will be very easy. If you are overcome by worries and longing for your ex-wife, then allow yourself to worry for the first time. Don't drown out your feelings with alcohol or drugs. Allow yourself to suffer a little, each time finding a rational grain in why it is good that you broke up.

Don't rush into new love relationships. Most likely, you will not be able to find a worthy woman at first while you are suffering, unhappy and powerless. You can only find a temporary replacement, but not your love.

Better take time for yourself and your work. You can begin to reach career heights. You can play sports to get your body in order. You can go to the sea or on a trip to escape from everyday life. Set new goals to start achieving them.

Don't run away from communicating with other people. Try not to bring up the past. And if suddenly your friends start giving you advice, then listen to them, but don’t follow them. Friends will advise you to start dating someone, to unwind, or to start drinking. All this will not help you start a new life, but will keep you stuck in your problems. It is better to consult a psychologist if you understand that you cannot start a new life. He will help you get rid of worries and let go of the past.

How to live after a divorce in the end?

What you do after all the emotions have subsided and you have let go of the past is up to you. Your life, and only you to live it. Just do the following: divide the property with your ex-wife, and also resolve the issue with the children. Make it so that the children don't even notice that their parents are divorced. The husband and wife may no longer exist, but mom and dad will remain.

Someday you will want to start a new love relationship. In order not to face betrayal again, it is important for you to understand what you did wrong with previous wife or what reasons prompted her to commit treason. Don't make any more mistakes. And if suddenly you want to get back together with your ex, then also resolve all the problems so that the betrayal does not happen again.

A lot has already been written about how women experience divorce. Almost every glossy magazine is ready to offer ladies a list of tips with which you can improve your life even after the most difficult breakup with your loved one. What do we know about how men feel after a divorce? How do they cope with their problems and depression? This article is intended for strong half humanity and will answer the question: “Who is he, a divorced man of our time?”

Why are they getting divorced?

Unfortunately, in modern society divorces happen almost every day. Moreover, both very young families who have not been married for even three years, and well-established unions where the spouses have spent more than twenty years together are collapsing. According to divorce statistics, women most often initiate breakups, but men do not try to stop their other halves and boldly sign divorce papers. Why are they so easily ready to let go of their past life and not even remember it? Psychologists say it's simple.

Most men believe that marriage is some kind of restriction that prevents them from enjoying life. Scientists at the University of California conducted an interesting experiment by interviewing one hundred men who were injected with truth serum. When asked who they were jealous of and why, eighty-three participants pointed to their single colleagues. It seemed to them that a free and carefree life with a lot of sexual contacts was an ideal unattainable with a wife and children.

At an appointment with a psychoanalyst, many husbands admit that their family does not allow them to develop. In the minds of men, freedom looks like a tempting set of new victories and achievements. It seems that if you just get rid of family problems, life will present you with a lot of opportunities that will open up prospects for financial and career growth. But, despite these conclusions, most men do not feel strong enough to break off relations with their wives. They start affairs, suffer from disgusting responsibilities, but in 85% of cases they will never file for divorce first. However, they will be happy to support their wife’s initiative. Amazing, isn’t it? But how a man’s life will change after a divorce will be a complete surprise for him. And not always pleasant.

Psychology of men after divorce: behavioral model

Stereotypes about divorce for a long time have not been revised in our society, but recently the behavior of men who have experienced the loss of a family has been of serious interest to psychologists. It is generally accepted that a woman, finding herself without financial support and strong male shoulder, falls into a prolonged depression and cannot return to a normal rhythm of life for a long time. What did they say about men? Of course, what they receive is freedom from obligations, for which they have to pay with partial loss of property and money. Otherwise, a young man or an already established one can live as they please and even marry a new passion, whom in some cases they have been dating for years. But the truth turns out to be not so rosy.

A survey conducted by British sociologists showed that 23% of men feel empty, and only 37% feel free from worries, compared to 20 and 40%, respectively, for the women surveyed. This means that a divorced man, after leaving the courtroom, feels not free and happy, but depressed and confused. But why does almost no one notice this?

The fact is that it is not customary for representatives of the stronger sex to grieve over lost love, and the word “divorce” evokes not sympathy, but congratulations from colleagues and friends. Naturally, in this situation, the strong half of humanity seeks to disguise their true emotions behind promiscuity, noisy companies and pointless spending. Almost all ex-wives notice this. They say that their ex-husband, whom they know so well, is behaving absolutely inappropriately. This can manifest itself in different ways. Some men, who lived quietly and calmly, suddenly begin to drink and carouse from morning to evening. Careerists abandon all their affairs and go on a long journey, and once serious and responsible fathers forget about their children and spend all their money on expensive entertainment.

All this is just an attempt to prove to oneself that one is necessary and in demand, because, according to the scale of emotional stress, divorce is equated to the death of a person. And you can survive this difficult period only by going through all the stages of grief.

Psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: five stages of grief

Ross created her theory of grief based on the emotions of terminally ill people. But, as it turned out, the psychology of men after a divorce is no different from the state of people who are seriously ill. In order to return to normal life, you need to go through five rather difficult stages:

1. Denial

The young man cannot believe that divorce is a reality. He subconsciously denies all changes and does not want to enter a new stage of life.

Without this stage, it is difficult to return to a normal lifestyle and “let go” of the situation. come suddenly, discontent pours out on everyone around. In cases where a man lives alone after a divorce, he can simply throw away old things that remind him of his past life.

This stage is the shortest and is expressed in the desire to return to the previous way of life. During the time that has elapsed after a divorce, a man can look at his ex-wife with completely different eyes. And, to his own surprise, he was inflamed with the same feelings for her, even if he himself initiated the breakup. He feels homesick for his family, tries to see his children as often as possible, and may even begin to persuade his ex-wife to renew their marriage.

4. Depression

Unfortunately, this stage is sluggish and protracted in men. In some cases it lasts up to five years. The California Institute recently published statistics on male suicide after divorce, and it simply shocked psychologists. After all, men are twice as likely to decide to commit suicide two to three years after breaking up with their wife. This period is the most dangerous - novelty social status disappears, and fatigue and a feeling of loneliness, on the contrary, increase.

5. Acceptance

At the last stage, the man subconsciously accepts the divorce as a fait accompli. Past life remains just a memory and does not cause negative emotions. After acceptance, a person freely enters a new stage of his life journey and can successfully build a relationship with a suitable partner.

Prolonged post-divorce depression in men

Divorce is not only a formal break in a relationship. In almost all cases, this is a loss of energetic support and connection that the spouses have formed. It is this connection that is the basis of marriage; it does not break after leaving the court and signing the documents. Each spouse must adapt to the changed situation, but men cope with this much worse than women.

The psychology of men after divorce is characterized by great interest in the life of their ex-wife. This is very easy to explain: it is not yet broken, and the spouse cannot tune in to life outside of it. Surprisingly, even the appearance of a new boyfriend for a woman cannot stop her ex from visiting and talking about her past life. Often, women who begin relationships with recently divorced men do not notice that they are depressed and are consumed by jealousy towards their ex-spouses. But in reality, a man simply cannot improve his life in the absence of the usual process of receiving energy and exchanging it.

Causes of male depression

After a divorce, most representatives of the stronger sex feel overwhelmed and cannot cope with negative emotions. In a difficult situation, they find themselves in a kind of vacuum when no one can share the current situation with them. All this happens against the backdrop of close observation of the life of the ex-wife, for whom everything can turn out quite successfully. As a result, depressive and suicidal thoughts arise. The most common causes of depression:

  • disappointment in freedom and new women;
  • psychophysical burnout from the endless search for a new sexual partner;
  • obvious disadvantages of single life - lack of care, comfort and coziness;
  • feeling guilty for a broken relationship.

In some cases, divorced men experience a combination of all of the above factors.

Manifestations of depression in men after divorce

Women, left alone, try to actively express their emotions, which allows them to come to their senses faster. Men do not have the right to lose their status as a strong and confident male, so they carefully hide their grief and gradually withdraw from life. They withdraw into themselves and in many cases behave completely atypically. Most often, depressive syndrome is expressed as follows:

  • absent-mindedness, lack of attention and loss of decision-making ability;
  • a destructive passion for alcohol, drugs and other ways to forget;
  • aggression and sudden attacks of anger, which can be expressed in self-examination;
  • complete loss of interest in all areas of life;
  • chronic fatigue, frequent headaches;
  • decreased potency.

Most often, depression occurs in men a few months after a divorce. During this period, the energy that once fueled the spouses dries up, and the novelty of a free life ceases to please. In addition, men during periods of depression find it difficult to see halftones; they completely lose the ability to enjoy life.

Treatment for male depression

What should a man do after a divorce so as not to fall into prolonged depression and quickly return to normal life? Psychologists unanimously say that you should not hide your emotions from others. A man has the right to grief, suffering and disappointment. He should not, while experiencing mental pain, put on a mask of indifference. Such behavior is a direct path to depression.

In this case, you should not hesitate, but you should immediately contact a psychotherapist. Modern medicine offers various ways drug-free treatment of depressive syndrome in men, which gives fairly good results in 80% of cases.

Looking for the other half

A divorced man is looking for a woman literally as soon as he leaves the courthouse with a stamp in his passport. Moreover, this is not a myth, but a reality that almost everyone faces. The fact is that, being married, a representative of the stronger half of humanity fantasizes about numerous sexual partners and non-binding relationships. Men begin to embody all this with great enthusiasm, but soon such a lifestyle becomes boring.

In reality, in order to lead the desired lifestyle, a lot of effort is required, but the result is not always. Psychologists say that spouses become aroused from each other quite quickly, even without foreplay, and physical release occurs after five to eight minutes. But with a new partner, a man does not always have the same good time - his body is not attuned to the next woman, sexual hunting is physically and emotionally expensive. In addition, apart from a physical connection, nothing else arises between the partners, and over time this begins to burden the sons of Adam.

A man is looking for a woman who could satisfy all his needs, but all he gets is a short-term affair. Often divorced representatives of the stronger sex also encounter another type of woman who simply dreams of marriage. These ladies are not at all familiar with such a term as “male psychology.” After a divorce, it is rare that a single person is ready to get married within three years, which is why conflicts arise in new couples.

We can say that after a divorce, a man falls into a kind of trap - he receives freedom, but does not feel the desire to use it after several disappointments.

When considering the problem of divorce, we should not forget that every man experiences the loss of his family also based on his psychological type. This factor has a serious impact on the perception of the situation and its overcoming. Psychologists have divided the psychotypes of men into four groups:

1. Hunter

This one always achieves everything he wants. He is charming, handsome and confident. The hunter is not ready to give in to his partner in anything, and perceives divorce as a struggle for leadership. He tries to find a new partner as quickly as possible and show her off to his ex-wife.

This man is very soft in character, he cannot stand up for himself and has a big kind heart. After a divorce, the Deer man becomes depressed, worries for a long time and has difficulty finding a new partner.

3. Parent

This type of man is ready to take care of a woman and give her true love. Relationships are always built on trust and mutual understanding, so in the event of a divorce, the male Parent is sincerely worried. He tries to fill the emptiness in his soul with numerous activities, but he never rushes headlong into a new relationship.

4. Child

A man of this psychotype is absolutely not adapted to living alone. He is vulnerable, often talented and kind, but does not know how to make decisions or care about anyone. In case of divorce, he is capable of blackmail, persuasion and hysterics. Such men have difficulty getting out of depression and often attempt to commit suicide.

Conclusion

Divorce is a difficult stage in the life of any person. And you shouldn’t divide divorced people into men and women, because the pain of losing a family resonates equally strongly in both hearts. But men show her a little differently.

After a divorce, a woman most often remains with the children. The difficult days of divorce are behind you, you have received a certificate that you are now divorced, men's things have disappeared from the house, and a dull melancholy has set in. It’s worth stopping, rethinking the current situation and not falling into hysterics - life doesn’t end there. Especially if there are children for whom it’s worth starting all over again. Hard? Yes, it's hard. But not fatal.

And one more thing. In the civilized world, it is customary to soberly assess the situation of divorce and not “break pots.” For some reason, the parties to the conflict try to do as many nasty things to the opposite side as possible. Why?

This question arises in full height in front of almost every woman who has undergone this procedure. Children withdraw into themselves and remain silent in their corners, and there is no longer a shoulder nearby to lean on.

But don't give up and get depressed. Yes, it didn’t work out, yes, it was unlucky. But he is not alone in the world! There are a lot of men around, and one of them might make you happy.

But what if the ex-husband continues to get on your nerves, present some rights, demand the fulfillment of some duties?

If during the divorce you separated joint property, have clarified all the questions regarding children, then you have nothing more in common. Once the court's divorce judgment has entered into force, you become ex-spouses. All the rights and responsibilities that bound you while you were a family no longer apply. The ex-husband has no right to interfere in your personal life; meetings with the children and their maintenance remain his responsibility. From now on he is a stranger to you.

But if you have not divided the property, then it retains the status of common property, and the husband can at any time claim his rights to his favorite doormat or sofa, and he can do this within 3 years after the divorce. Therefore, it is better to divide it, by agreement or through the court (Article 38 of the RF IC).

Your husband has the same rights to children as you. Not allowing him to meet with children, turning children against their own father, even if, in your opinion, he deserves it, means violating the law on the protection of the rights of the father (Article 66 of the RF IC). The father is not only obliged to support his children, but also has the right to raise them, resolve issues of education and treatment.

And why do you need unnecessary scandals? Time will pass, the pain will subside, quarrels and insults will be forgotten, and the children will know that they have a dad and he still loves them. A child suffering from the fact that his parents separated needs both a dad and a mom, and if you want your baby to be calm, so that the stress of your divorce does not turn into mental trauma, allow him to see his father.

Woman after divorce

Everyone experiences divorce differently. Some go on a spree, others sit quietly and cry in the kitchen, while others throw themselves into work. The third option is probably the best of the above. Business and worries will push worries into the background. You simply won't have time to think about them. But don’t forget that you are a woman, the fair sex. You can, of course, turn into a sort of work-weary gray mouse, but why? Don’t listen to compassionate neighbors who sympathize with you and predict a long, lonely life. This is all nonsense.

You can meet a new life partner at any age and with any number of children, the main thing is to decide what exactly interests you in men. And don’t sit at home, the prince in a white Mercedes won’t come to you with wedding ring in a velvet box by itself.

Divorce is a terrible blow to the very basis of a person’s existence, from which one may not recover. The consequences will remain in any case, but whether these consequences will be tragic for our future fate or whether we will come to something new and good depends on our actions in the process of experiencing and overcoming a divorce.

First of all, it is necessary to understand the reasons for what happened. After all, thoughts about our guilt, about the guilt of the second person, about the fact that the divorce might not have happened, “if not for...” are some of the most painful during this period.

Why does divorce happen? In the psychological literature and in the explanations of those getting divorced, more than a dozen reasons are named: the husband cheats or drinks or earns little, the wife is stupid, does not live up to ideals or is constantly “nagging”, “they don’t get along,” and so on. But we must understand that these explanations do not speak about the reason for the divorce, but about the cause of the conflict. There are many ways out of conflict, and divorce is only one of them, and probably the most unconstructive.

There are two fundamental attitudes of spouses towards each other in a situation of conflict. The first - cognitive - is the desire to understand the spouse and find out your role in his actions, despite the pain it causes. The second - defensive - consists of attempts get away from pain, defend yourself, protect yourself from attacks, or even attack yourself. The second strategy is most successfully implemented in divorce - a legalized method of eliminating loved one as a source of pain. In rare, particularly pathological cases, this strategy is justified. But it is justified much less often than it is resorted to.

Defending themselves from pain, the spouse blames the other for everything and refuses to understand their contribution to the conflict situation, as a result they take their part of the unconstructive behavior into their future life. And then in a new family, if it is formed, they create similar conflict situations. As a result, a person is forced either to “run away” from pain all his life, and essentially from himself, or at some point muster the courage and face the truth. But then there will be added pain for the lost years...

A paradox arises: it is psychologically safe to divorce only when conflicts are resolved. Allowed in the situation in which they arose, with the same spouse. But if conflicts are resolved, then why get a divorce?

Grief works for us

Very often, the pain of divorce is experienced more severely by those who did not want a divorce and who tried to straighten out the family situation. In everyday language, the one who was “abandoned.” The first reaction is shock. The world seems to dissolve in a fog; a person does not want to contact a reality in which his family no longer exists. He denies, does not acknowledge the fact that they left him. The person thinks that his loved one will now come to his senses and say that it was a rash act, that he should still try to straighten out the relationship and stay together. An abandoned person lives in the past and does not acknowledge the fact of loss.

Often people in this state become very intrusive, constantly calling their spouse who left them or spying on him, still perceiving him as something of their own, thereby alienating him even more from themselves. In such situations, the paradox of passion begins to work, the essence of which was accurately expressed by A. S. Pushkin: “than smaller woman we love, the more she likes us.” Therefore, even if a person hopes for a miracle and wants to return everything to the way it was, then, paradoxically, to do this it is necessary to acknowledge the fact of loss, to agree that you were abandoned, that you continue to live alone, that there is no return to the past. And even if someday this person returns to you, it will be a new relationship. Agreeing with this means agreeing that life goes on, and at the same time means agreeing to the abyss of immediately arising pain, anger, despair, hopelessness, melancholy, guilt - almost all negative feelings. It hurts alone, it hurts with people, and it especially hurts when you have to see your departed spouse. This is one of the reasons why fathers temporarily or permanently stop communicating with children who remain with their mothers.

Anger arises as a reaction to an obstacle to achieving what you want. When a person admits that the family has died, strong anger appears at the culprit - the departed spouse. The abandoned spouse partly feels violated - in the sense that something was done to him against his will that he did not want, and he was forced to go through such terrible pain. Therefore, the degree of aggression can reach the desire to kill or cripple an ex-husband or wife for refusing to live together.

When the understanding comes that anger is a bad advisor, that manifestations of anger can lead to irreparable mistakes, the actual reaction of acute grief, melancholy, despair, and hopelessness arises. It is at this phase that the main constructive work of grief occurs, - in the words of psychologist F. E. Vasilyuk, the translation of what happened into the past, “the creation of memory.” Here a person coexists in two worlds - in the past, with his spouse, and in the present, alone. Here, in the abyss of despair, a person himself lets go of his spouse, leaves him only as a memory in which they are still together, in order to continue to live a separate life, to go their own way. F. E. Vasilyuk: “at this moment, not only does the separation, rupture and destruction of the old connection occur, as all modern theories believe, but a new connection is born. The pain of acute grief is not only the pain of decay, destruction and death, but also the pain of the birth of a new one. What exactly? Two new “I”s and a new connection between them, two new times, even worlds, and agreement between them” (1).

So, having gone through the crucible of suffering, and only in this way, we can regain our integrity, learn to live in the present again and enjoy life, forever leaving in memory those times when “we,” or more correctly, “they,” were together. Rediscovering oneself, the fullness of life, the ability to live in the present and enjoy life is impossible without “creating the memory” of a departed spouse and a destroyed family, without experiencing grief. It is to survive, and not to jump over or make it so that you close your eyes and open them - it no longer hurts. Surviving grief is the main task.

Divorce - get divorced

Divorce includes legal, physical, economic and emotional components. Divorce is the cessation of interactions at all these levels. Legally, this means officially getting a divorce. Physically - not living under the same roof (and not spending time visiting each other). Economically - resolve all economic and material disputes with each other. Emotionally - completely free yourself from experiences associated with ex-husband. Ideally, of all the feelings, only sadness should remain, sadness in Pushkin’s sense: “my sadness is bright.” This is the memory of the good things that happened, and the knowledge acquired through bitter experience about what my actions can destroy a family.

If you need to continue communicating with your ex-spouse (for example, about raising children together), then the relationship should be smooth, calm, friendly and respectful. This can be called equal cooperation. Many offer each other to “remain friends,” but this is a crafty position. After all, friendship is a very important and significant component of a marital relationship. “Remain friends” in this case means “remain spouses in some way.” And this means, at a minimum, a dishonest position towards the future spouse (if there is one) and a basis for disagreements with him. This is a “under-divorced” divorce. In this case, the spouses should probably think about the need for a divorce.

Another option for a “under-divorce” is endless litigation and division of property (and in the worst case, children). Ex-spouses hate each other, but hatred means emotional intimacy, albeit with a negative sign.

Any unresolved (consciously or forced) issue in the economic, legal or physical field leads us to emotional intimacy, i.e. to the lack of freedom to make changes in life and to create new family. We “stop” our life at the point of divorce. As one song says: “Together is impossible and apart is impossible.” Therefore, if you are going to get a divorce, then - completely, to the end.

The Art of Divorce

What should you do so that the experience of grief does not drag on longer than necessary and does not develop into depression? Here are some pitfalls that await you along the way.

Friends. Divorce divides the spouses' mutual friends into two camps. Some sympathize more with the husband, others with the wife. This is fine. But we must not forget that later you will also have to communicate with friends from the “opposite camp,” or at least say hello when you meet. This does not mean that you don’t need to share your experiences with friends - you need to, that’s why they are friends. But it is very important not to drag them into blaming their spouse. In addition, you need to be very careful towards friends of the opposite sex. A situation where a husband’s friend consoles his wife until midnight will lead to nothing but aggravation of the conflict. Even if all this time he just tells his wife what a wonderful husband she has. But there’s nothing you can do about it: friends are known in trouble.

From this point of view, for the necessary consolation, it is better to resort to parents or brothers or sisters (but in no case to children, no matter how old they are), or to childhood friends. In addition, it must be remembered that no friend, no specialist, and no person at all basically incapable walk with you the path of suffering from beginning to end. This path is yours alone. The only Person who is able to be there every minute and alleviate suffering is Jesus Christ. To do this, you need to turn to Him in unceasing and humble prayer.

New partner. Here, in my opinion, it is obvious that starting a new relationship while you are still emotionally connected to your previous spouse is, firstly, dishonest towards the new partner, and secondly, dangerous: there is a high chance of creating an eternally depressed family environment. A new partner will certainly make the experience easier, but in reality it is not a relief, but postponing the work of grief for the future. This is a type of rejection of negative experiences. And when a person refuses to experience grief, then, paradoxically, positive emotions they also leave. If trouble came, but “he didn’t open the gate,” then trouble will remain at the gate. This way all feelings, both negative and positive, go away. “Feeling lost” is one of the symptoms of depression.

The same can be said about alcohol. Alcohol, of course, temporarily alleviates the condition and reduces anxiety. But we must not forget that this is only the first, momentary effect of alcohol. It allows you not to worry for a while. But then alcohol acts as a depressant (which it is). The same problems pile up, plus symptoms of poisoning, plus a feeling of guilt for one’s weakness.

Sleep and appetite disorders. Sound sleep and good appetite are the key to our physical well-being. Even if we have mental anguish, the body must be in working order. Therefore, sleep and appetite disturbances are sufficient grounds for contacting a doctor - a psychotherapist, who is now seen in almost any clinic. It is important not to self-medicate, since most sedatives have an addictive effect.

Hatred. Feeling angry is a normal reaction to a divorce situation. But what to do with him? His discharge directly in relation to the departed spouse will lead, in addition to problems associated with breaking the law, to an unbearable feeling of internal emptiness, to a feeling of something irreversibly broken in the soul. To bitterness and the desire to destroy everything further. But it’s also impossible to pretend that there is no hatred, because then it “eats” its “owner” from the inside: the person becomes bilious, angry, again, devastated, and over time, seriously physically ill.

There are many ways to process negative feelings. Most of it comes down to expressing these feelings by safe means- in the imagination (imagine that your spouse is sitting in front of you on an empty chair, and tell him everything you want), or on paper (write a “letter” to the offender, in which you tell about all your experiences, then burn the letter, or better yet, bury ), or through creativity (draw or sculpt your “anger” from plasticine, and then, with the help of small additional touches, turn it into something positive or calm - maybe even “love”). Another way that you need to realize precisely as a way to deal with your own anger is to imagine that you are giving your loved ones some small joys: first to your parents, then to your children, then to your spouse. And in this situation there really is something to “give” him or her, and not in the imagination, but in reality: somewhere to make a concession, somewhere to renounce claims, somewhere to stop constantly calling, in general - to somehow make it easier for him or her the situation of divorce.

Anger is a feeling that requires motor discharge, so it is useful to do something to overcome anger. physical work or physical exercise (best with a light but long-term load: jogging, skiing, cycling, etc.). But best way dealing with anger is prayer. A simple prayer in your own words is enough, for example: “Lord, free me from hatred and malice” or something like that. Or: “God bless him!” If a person is not a believer, then you can turn to a “higher power”, as you understand it (a term from the practice of Alcoholics Anonymous). By and large, methods for safely expressing anger can only discharge angry affect, but win hatred can only be actions that are opposite to anger - actions dictated by Love.

Resentment. Resentment is a complex feeling, in which manipulation plays an important part. We take offense in order to force the offender to change his behavior, to do what we want. Therefore, in a situation of divorce, resentment becomes meaningless. Whatever we want from our spouse, we either no longer have the right to want it, or we shouldn’t, since it delays the separation. No matter how we are offended, we must forgive it. That is, we have to admit that the ex-spouse does not owe us anything.

Resentments, of course, do not go away immediately, especially if this is a habitual way of interaction. But someday you have to grow up (and resentment is mainly children's way achieve what you want), and divorce is the most favorable situation for this. The main thing is to understand that an unforgiven offense will not allow you to free yourself from emotional connection with my ex-husband. You can also use the methods outlined above - they are suitable for almost all negative feelings.

On the other hand, we can also be offenders. Therefore, just like forgiving, it is important to ask for forgiveness, both in general for everything and for each individual offense you have caused that you remember. It is also necessary to repay debts and fulfill your promises. If you promised to buy a fur coat, buy it, or at least express your readiness for it (maybe the fur coat is no longer needed). At least, the important rule here is that only the person to whom you gave it can be released from a promise. If fulfilling the promise has become impossible, then it is necessary (and for a complete divorce it is necessary) to ask for release from it. For an unfulfilled promise, there is a chance to pay for a lifetime.

Guilt, shame and self-esteem. The situation when you are abandoned is a powerful blow to self-esteem. A lot of disturbing questions come up: “What am I bad about?”, “What’s wrong with me?”, “What did I do wrong?” with a terrifying confirmation of reality: “Yes, you are subhuman, you are rubbish. Such rubbish that even your husband (or wife) left (or abandoned) you.” A wild conglomerate of feelings arises - self-abasement, self-inadequacy, guilt and shame, which are very difficult to deal with. Here it is important to understand what you are really guilty of and what you are not.

First, let's look at the difference between feelings of guilt and feelings of shame (or false feelings of guilt). When they say: “It’s your fault,” they mean that you did something wrong. In the process of development, a feeling of guilt is formed in a person at the age of about 3 years, when the little man acquires the joy of the existence of his own “I”: “ I did it!", " I Want!", " I Don't want!" and so on. If a child, for example, breaks a vase, then he is punished. But it is very important - what are they punished for? For what took her without asking. For what climbed where he shouldn't go. Feelings of guilt are always associated with human activity. A person can only be guilty of what he really committed. What if a child who breaks a vase is punished because his hands are crooked? Here we are no longer talking about guilt or guilt, but about shame.

Shame can be formed, according to some sources, even in the embryo. For example, if the child is unwanted. Shame is inactive. Shame is imposed by parents who blame the child not for what he did, but for what he is, that he is a burden, that he “turned out wrong.” Shame is always pathological, except when it is ashamed of someone else. That is: I may be ashamed of my son if, for example, he beat a girl. It’s not my fault directly; I wouldn’t hit her. But this is my son, and he has already done it. I'm ashamed. Unfortunately, many people, “thanks” to parental impotence, fear and educational illiteracy, are carriers expressed feeling shame.

So, the feeling of shame is not a consequence of a divorce situation. Thoughts like “I’m somehow wrong” or “it’s all because of me” always come from childhood. Shame (false guilt) is a separate topic for working with a psychologist, and this is the topic of childhood and relationships with parents.

In a situation of divorce, it is important that the feeling of shame does not complicate the picture of experiences. To do this, it is useful to remember that this person at one time married me exactly the same as me, and then there were no questions about why I am like this and what is wrong with me. Then it was that's all right. In addition, for a believer (and it is also useful for an unbeliever to know this), the question of one’s own “incompleteness” is impossible, since we are all created in the image and likeness of God. And no matter how ugly I am, no matter how I interfere with anyone with my existence, no matter how my parents treat me, no matter how anyone tells me that it would be better if I didn’t exist, - I am the image of God and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Another thing is - am I to blame? Yes, of course, what happened was my fault. But this is the task: to be honest with yourself and determine your guilt your lies, your mistakes. In order to remember them and not repeat them in the future. In order to become wiser.

But what to do with self-esteem? How is it restored? Some make up for this damage by going to work and increasing their income, some by “extorting” good opinion about yourself from others. But all this is too fragile and depends on many factors beyond our control. This is self-esteem based on the assessment of others. What is the basis for true self-esteem? Paradoxical as it may seem, the situation of divorce itself provides fertile ground for the formation of correct, adequate and high self-esteem. If I did not respond with insult to insult. If I managed to forgive and let go. If I found the strength not to take revenge. If I found the strength to suffer without blaming anyone. If I managed to maintain a respectful relationship. If, despite my pain, I continued to communicate with the child and did not use him as a “container” for my anger or resentment. If I found the strength to admit my mistakes and apologize for them . If I did everything right.

DIVORCE. What is this drama? The beginning of a new life? How to survive divorce? How to live further after divorce?

Olga Verbitskaya, psychologist, Moscow.

- How to live after a divorce, huh? - my friend sighed.
- Fine! - I burst out. The next moment I blushed deeply: the man was in grief, and I... but the interlocutor did not notice my answer...
- How is life? - I asked more professionally and more insinuatingly.
Alena looked at me.
- No way, to be honest. The feeling that I was not there, that I had disappeared - tears flowed down my pale cheeks.

What is divorce?

By divorce I mean the breakup of any long-term meaningful relationships the only difference is that with an officially registered partner you will have to go through not the most pleasant paperwork, and if you have minor children, you will have time to “come to your senses.”

A close thirty-nine-year-old friend of mine once noticed that when she presents her foreign passport. passport, where in the “statys” column it says “divorsed” (divorced) abroad, then they look at her with genuine interest, flirting and wanting to continue acquaintance in a less formal setting. In our country, they treat her with sympathy and pity.
Why?
Because the status “divorced” means “there’s something wrong with her (him)”: she couldn’t keep her husband, so she left for a young woman, she couldn’t provide a decent living, she couldn’t satisfy him sexually, etc. .d. In short, somewhere a partner has broken down, he needs to be repaired, but until he is in good working order, he is not suitable for life, he is bad.
The same friend, by the way, noticed that at thirty-nine in France they look at women for a long time intently, since such a woman is considered experienced and wise, but in our country women of this age, assuming that youth has passed, behave like an old woman.

At one of the seminars on family constellations, the presenter was working with the illness of a participant’s daughter and the phrase that he suggested telling her sounded as follows (the phrase referred to the husband who had left the family): “I let you go with love, move where you are calling.” your soul." Is it difficult to say? Of course!

If they left you.

You will clearly be the center of attention, receiving your partner's "what an asshole" characteristics. or “what a bitch!”, as well as valuable instructions on how to live further... Usually this does not help for long...
Brenda Davis compared a person to a daisy that has something at its core. If one of the leaves falls off, then it turns out not to be a big deal... the core remains. If the core breaks, the chamomile dies.
It’s the same in life: if a person associates a relationship with a partner as with one of the petals - one of the aspects of his life, then this is normal and good, because if a petal falls off, it is not fatal: the core remains, but the petal will grow, not It’s true right away, but it will grow and new relationships will appear.
Whereas if a person associates himself with a relationship (the core of a daisy), which collapses and dies, he can literally die physically under different life circumstances... There are frequent cases when one elderly spouse was followed by a second one.

What to do?

Perhaps my answer to this question will seem banal, but it is this: put yourself and self-care in place at the core: take care of yourself, your new birth - start doing what you really love, live the way you want, focusing on your own needs and desires, return to your hobby, go to the movies, theaters, be interesting to yourself and take an interest in life. After sunset there is always dawn. After all, a new petal can always be grown, but the core will not be new.
And also, if you have the time and desire, I suggest you do the following technique. I like the esoteric view that all relationships teach something to both partners, and very often it happens that relationships are painful when the lessons that they (the relationship) carry are simply not understood and not accepted.

So, the technique itself:

  1. Imagine your partner or person who hurt you, caused you a lot of problems or troubles. How do you feel about him? What about your powers - are they more or less?
  2. Imagine for a few seconds that he did all this, since it was you who asked him to teach something in this way.
  3. Ask your inner self what you learned in this relationship and hear the answer.
  4. Thank your partner, because he was so much good teacher, as much as I could.
  5. How do you feel about your partner?

If you left.

The reaction of society here is ambiguous: ranging from strong condemnation from relatives and/or friends (how could you leave her/him"), to support for you: it’s right that you left her/him. Usually such “support” It doesn’t bring much relief. Life in this case is also not easy, and the feeling of guilt (resentment) torments...

In such a case, you can do the following technique:

  1. Imagine your partner or person whom you have hurt, caused a lot of problems or troubles.
  2. Imagine for a few seconds that you did this, since it was he who asked you to teach him something in this way.
  3. Turn to your inner self and ask what you taught your partner in this relationship, what you learned yourself and hear the answer.
  4. Thank your partner for being as good a student as he could be.
  5. How do you feel about your partner? What about your strength now - are they more or less?

Your partner may never understand the reason for your action, or he may understand after some time and thank you.
Sometimes, as time passes, partners begin to move away from each other, not because there is more love, but because interests have begun to diverge: the goals and objectives of the partners in this life may not coincide. “Not along the way with everyone you love,” is the phrase of Theun Morez, a spiritual seeker and esotericist.

Like an afterword.

This story with my friend Alena, who had just been divorced and was having a hard time going through the divorce, happened two years ago. We recently saw her in Moscow... In her new apartment, where two events were celebrated at once: the housewarming of the newlyweds and the birth of little Anyutka.

You know,” she said quietly when we were left alone, “I am very grateful to Gerka, my first husband... If we had not divorced then, I would never have started living life to the fullest. Now I have Vovka and Anyuta. It’s true what they say, it’s not done, everything is for the better!

(The events of this story are true, and the names of the characters have been changed at their personal request and sworn promise to me that they will bring many beautiful souvenirs from their upcoming trip to Italy.
The techniques proposed in this article belong to an excellent psychotherapist and simply beloved husband, Vyacheslav Gusev).

psychotherapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, Kursk.

Divorce, planned or unexpected, is always a psychological trauma. Divorce entails a drastic change in lifestyle, environment and, sometimes, environment. What to do? So, you recently went through a divorce. And you are at the stage of adaptation to a new way of life. What needs to be done to speed up the adaptation process and reduce the consequences of psychological trauma resulting from divorce?

First, calm down. Divorce is like surgery to remove appendicitis. At first it is very painful and scary; then, when they take you to the operating room, it’s very scary and not painful at all; and then, when the anesthesia wore off, it hurt a little and wasn’t scary at all.

Second, remove all personal belongings of your ex-spouse from view (put them in boxes, give them to him or her, or throw them in the trash).

Third, fill the time in your life that was occupied by your spouse with activities. Imagine that your whole life is a circle that includes work, communication with friends, shopping and other activities. Now, according to the existing types of your daily activities, divide the circle into sectors. Be sure to highlight the sector called “ex-husband (wife).” Now, look at what sectors in your life can and should be expanded due to the “ex-husband” sector. Now draw a new circle, divide it into sectors, but without the “ex-husband” sector. What has appeared in your life or what you have more time for due to divorce?

Fourth, please remember that there is no negative or positive experience (this is our emotional attitude to the situation). Experience is the dry residue from the situation that happened, the conclusions that we draw. And divorce is also your experience. And if you still continue to think about divorce, then it is better to do it right. Analyze what happened, answering the question: what exactly did I learn from this situation?

National accreditation consultant of the Professional Psychotherapeutic League of the Russian Federation. Teacher, consultant and coordinator of the Novosibirsk branch of the Krindache School, Novosibirsk.

I think long enough before I determine what is most important for me in this phrase.

And, you know, I make a discovery: the main thing is to live!

You can live in different ways.

Unfortunately, many choose to cherish grievances, feel guilty, hate or anger, some prefer to generalize their experience in beliefs like: “all men are ...”, “all women are ...” Instead of an ellipsis, you can insert anything you like. Some even manage to become embittered and take revenge for past insults, but not to the person they broke up with, but to new partners of the opposite sex. And some choose to withdraw into themselves, give up on themselves and devote their lives (to children, parents, work, friends, ...) Emphasize what is necessary.

Or it can be done differently.

    Realize that in any relationship between two people, both partners bear their share of responsibility both for the development of the relationship and for its termination.

    Consider life together (no matter how long it may be) as an invaluable experience that has taught you a lot.

    Recognize and respond strong feelings accumulated over time life together(this includes resentment, anger, aggression, and disappointment). You may need specialist help at this stage.

  • Forgive and let go.

    • Pay attention to the OPPORTUNITIES your new status. Believe me, sometimes it’s worth thanking the partner who initiated the divorce for these opportunities.

    Establish a dialogue with your now ex-partner, especially in the case of joint obligations (raising children, first of all).

    And pay attention to myself - what I want for myself and for others, what I feel in different situations and with different people, what I can put up with and what I can never put up with, what I can and want to change in myself.

There is always a choice.

So how to live after divorce? I suggest happily!

NataliaKaryagin, psychologist, psychoanalytic psychotherapist, Moscow.

There are a number of phenomena that take place at the end of a relationship between two people - no matter whether they were in an official or civil marriage.

1. Disbelief that it is possible, that the relationship has collapsed and ceases to exist. This reaction occurs from the very beginning of the breakup and can reappear from time to time in the form of thoughts: “I had a nightmare,” or the person’s behavior as if nothing had happened - so sometimes a person continues to automatically carry out plans that made sense and were created for two, or for a family. This experience is quite painful; you need a supply of mental strength and courage to overcome it, to accept reality. At this stage, it is important to separate what situation you find yourself in after the breakup and what personal feelings and experiences you have about the breakup in general.

2. Anger and rage or fear in a divorce situation can be so great that aggressive actions, from verbal abuse to physical harm and murder, are possible. In my opinion, because of these feelings, it makes sense to try to have less contact with your ex-spouse immediately after a divorce or separation, and to use the services of intermediaries - friends or lawyers. Personal contact activates feelings, makes them more vivid, painful and destructive, for both sides. If you give them free rein, you can go very far, but if you restrain them, they will cause pain inside. It’s good to have a way to relieve stress - to do sports, repairs, work, to be able to talk about your anger to someone who will accept and sympathize with you - friends, for example. If the intensity of passions is too great, it makes sense to turn to psychotherapists - they have a greater margin of safety and are better prepared, and, in addition, they are not involved in your real life, stay away and maintain sobriety.

3. Feelings of guilt, uselessness, worthlessness and, as a result, apathy and depression. At the same time, it seems that the lost person and the lost relationship were so good, necessary (and infinitely familiar!), and you could, but did not do something that would save them. That is, you are “bad”, and the one who is lost is “good”. It is not immediately clear that this is not true. Relationships are built by two people, and on an unconscious level, there is always an unspoken agreement between spouses that they follow. And as long as he is in force, the relationship continues. According to one famous psychologist, spouses even psychological age always matches. Such unspoken family contracts are always internally symmetrical, but on the surface there may be a distribution of roles, where one is “good” and the other is “bad.” But these are only roles in the play, not related to the real qualities of the other. And the less mature the spouses are, the more games and confusion there are, the inability to understand and put into words what is happening between them.

4. The need to return to an old relationship can arise many times. Often it is realized in manipulating each other, fortunately, during their life together, everyone has studied well how they can offend the other. Unfortunately, children are necessarily drawn into such manipulations, directly or indirectly, as the most defenseless, and at the same time the most sympathetic and interested in preserving the relationship between mom and dad.

5. Children should be given special consideration. Signs that a child is suffering are changes in behavior that anger parents and other adults, deterioration in academic performance in schoolchildren, loss of already established speech and hygiene skills, insomnia, fears, enuresis in younger children. They say that parents cannot cope with their grief.

6. The need to avoid grieving a lost relationship sometimes forces one or even both spouses to immediately enter into a new relationship. Such a turn, of course, makes parting easier, but it usually leads to the fact that instead of new ones, the same old conflicts and scenarios that have previously led to disaster begin to play out. To prevent this from happening, it makes sense to give yourself time to say goodbye to your old relationship, to cry and be sad, to reflect on the period of your life that was spent in marriage, to think about who your former life partner was to you. It is optimal to go through this period not alone, but together with a psychologist or psychotherapist. This can be a time of active personal changes, awareness of one’s needs, revival of hopes buried in marriage, and the creation of a basis for happier and more harmonious relationships in the future.

psychologist-consultant, certified gestalt therapist, teacher of psychological counseling, Pyatigorsk.

If you are just entering the “post-divorce” period, be prepared to feel very bad for some time. Divorce is always a loss, always a grief - no matter what the previous marriage was. Even if you suffered and suffered in this marriage, even if you dreamed of divorce as a deliverance, it will still be bad. Therefore, the entire process of living through grief is inevitable. And this is bitterness, and resentment for the whole world, and melancholy, and regret, and the desire to return everything....

The most important and most difficult thing during this period is to get ready. It’s difficult because you have no strength, everything is falling out of your hands, everything around you is collapsing. And yet, you need to search and find at least something that you can rely on. Maybe it's help from friends or relatives, maybe it's work, maybe it's the need to take care of children. Perhaps you will be somehow inspired by the experience of friends who have already walked this path and successfully emerged from the test. (For example, I know several people who, precisely after a very difficult divorce, frightening with the unknown and uncertainty, were able to find and interesting work, and self-esteem, and the ability to stand firmly and independently).

By the way, I would be wary of meeting new people. Often, after a divorce, people clutch at a new relationship like a drowning man - at a straw. But most often they drag there the whole load of grievances, lack of clarity and claims against the previous partner. And the connection quickly breaks, bringing even greater disappointment and devastation. Of course, we must believe that new love is possible and will definitely happen. But only a little later. It takes time to comprehend everything, understand mistakes, experience loss and assimilate experience.

The question naturally arises: how long does it take to get used to a new situation? Of course, this is individual for everyone. But I would take the risk of determining the required time - it’s about a year. “A year is like a sea” - there is a Russian proverb. A year is a kind of completion, as well as the beginning of a new cycle. The year is always some kind of summing up.

In any case, if after a year you are still in a depressed mood, then - most likely - you are stuck somewhere. And apparently, it’s worth seriously thinking about turning to qualified specialists.

Lyudmila Zhukova, psychologist, journalist, Kiev.

Life after divorce (a look at men's experiences).

There is an expression: “If a man doesn’t shoot himself immediately after a divorce, a month later he’s already fine!” It is generally accepted that divorce is easier for a man than for a woman; that’s why a man is strong and indestructible. Therefore, most of the “calming odes” and parting words are addressed to women as the offended party in divorce proceedings.

Is this true? Let's take it in order. A family is not only and not so much a romantic, passionate, loving relationship between spouses, as a “community” that solves, first of all, the problem of procreation and the important problem of survival in this difficult World.

Expressive love feelings and romanticism of relationships at the beginning of marriage undergo a certain transformation over time towards affection, friendship, cohesion, mutual responsibility for the younger generation and for the well-being of the family. And that's okay. Problems begin when one of the spouses notices that the feelings are no longer the same and do not have the freshness and significance that they had at the beginning, mistakenly believing that only this can support the marital relationship and the family as a whole. This is one of the main “trigger” reasons for the collapse of family relationships and the impending divorce.

Other reasons for divorce: incompatibility of characters and views, drunkenness of one of the spouses, adultery, sexual dissatisfaction, domestic instability, financial difficulties.

According to statistics, the main initiators of divorce (as they are more sensitive, emotional, and keenly aware of “changes”) are women (68%). But we experience the breakup differently.

We women are more emotional, we bring our mental negativity out by communicating with friends, relatives, and acquaintances. We ease our emotional world because we are more open. Having experienced it, we switch our attention to significant others - to children, to parents. Caring is distracting...

What is it like for them, men, after a breakup?

In a harsh male circle, it is not customary to vent, whine, or complain, for fear of appearing “weak.” Men know that if you feel sorry, no one will regret it, but they will stop respecting you. It will also be true that in the male “class” losers are not liked, even if failure is an unfavorable combination of circumstances. Consequently, post-divorce problems in men are packaged and rammed into the distant depths of the subconscious, and it is still unknown what equivalents they will respond with after some time.

A psychologist's advice to men going through a divorce:

  • If your feelings for your spouse have not faded away, try with all your might to preserve your family and relationships;
  • If divorce occurs, know that it is not the end of the world;
  • Don't blame anyone - neither yourself nor others;
  • Switch to someone you can take care of - parents, relatives;
  • In the “zone of suffering”, find opportunities for personal growth - read, communicate, visit a psychologist;
  • Don’t resort to “alcohol anesthesia” for mental pain and you will become stronger.
  • It often happens that life turns in a completely different direction than the one you were planning to take. Then it turns out that this path is not so bad, quite the opposite. Therefore, over time, the understanding comes that what you consider negative has positive sides and, on the contrary, what you considered very good is not;
  • Try to build your inner world anew;
  • Remember, to feel comfortable you need:
    • to be loved;
    • so that you love yourself;
    • so that someone needs you;
    • so that there is something you do better than others;
    • so that there is activity (work);
    • so that there is prosperity;
    • to have a roof over your head;
    • to have friends;
    • so that you and your family are alive and healthy;

I wish you not to stray from this path!

THANK YOU TO ALL THE EXPERTS - PARTICIPANTS IN THE DISCUSSION!