There are no ideal people. But do not confuse habits and character traits. There are things that a person cannot change about himself, no matter how much you reproach him. Therefore, do not confuse socks scattered around the house (a habit) and an umbrella lost for the fifth time this season (absent-mindedness is a character trait).
2. Meeting the parents
It’s good if you know your other half’s parents (and she knows yours). It's even better when they are friends. Alas, this does not always happen. The potential mother-in-law may not like the son-in-law, and the future mother-in-law may not like the daughter-in-law, but this should not affect the relationship within the couple. Don't disrespect your choice and don't drag your loved one to family dinners. They promise nothing but a spoiled mood.
3. Mobile phone
It's amazing how quickly gadgets have turned from helpers to home-wreckers. Instead of enjoying communication with our loved one, we chat on the phone, write SMS, and sit on social networks. Of course, sometimes there are really important things to do, but in the end, nothing is more important than a loved one.
4. Public reproaches
Never, you hear, never sort things out in public places. You will confuse not only your partner, but also those around you. No matter how much your blood boils, no matter how much you want to dot all the i’s here and now, do it only face to face.
5. Quarrels
Disagreements are inevitable. Sooner or later, any couple finds stumbling blocks. Moreover, this is normal. Quarrels are part of a happy relationship. But on one condition: don't cross the line. Don't insult each other, don't put your offense above your partner, and remember that there is no conflict that cannot be resolved through compromise.
6. Silence
7. Forgiveness
Everyone makes mistakes. And you too. Know how to forgive your loved ones. Don't hold grudges or accumulate them. This will not only save your relationship, but will also help you avoid unwanted stress. Psychologists have long noticed that grievances have a negative impact on human health.
8. Wrong time, wrong place
Discuss important issues needed in a suitable environment and in the right time. You should not start a conversation, for example, about moving after a difficult working day. Monosyllabic answers and indifferent nods are not a sign of indifference. Your partner is just tired, he doesn’t have the energy for a discussion. Save the conversation for later.
9. Finance
Relationships involve giving as well as taking. However, you should not be petty, especially in financial matters. Agree on the main things: how to run the household, pay bills, distribute the budget. But don’t allow phrases like: “We’re going to the cinema on the weekend, but you pay, just like I paid last time.”
10. Turning a fly into an elephant
Nobody is perfect. Did he forget to throw out the trash? Did she burn your shirt? Did he buy the wrong yogurt? She didn't pay for the internet? Believe me, all this is so stupid that it’s not even worth your attention, not to mention your emotions. Don't make mountains out of molehills. Instead, take a walk and throw out the trash at the same time. Laugh at the hole in your shirt, because it's time to buy a new one. Try the “wrong” yogurt, maybe this one tastes even better? Light the candles and spend romantic evening without internet.
11. Espionage
Love is built on trust. Trust your soulmate. Your loved one can (and should) have their own space. Respect him. Don't read SMS, don't look at your email, don't rummage through your pockets. All this hurts love and destroys relationships.
12. Jealousy
Some people believe that jealousy is a sign of love, others believe that it is selfishness and disrespect. Shakespeare generally called jealousy a monster that conceives and gives birth to itself. In any case, both suffer from it: one is tormented by suspicion, the other is offended by mistrust. How to deal with this? Just be honest: don't give or look for reasons to be jealous.
13. Excessive calm
Have you noticed that when people find a mate and everything goes well for them, they begin to gain weight? Harmony and tranquility in a relationship is wonderful. But this is not a reason to stop taking care of yourself. Do you want your partner to lose interest in you? Doesn't your loved one deserve to be proud of your beauty?
If you see that the problem is brewing (one might even say that it has grown), buy a gym membership... for two.
14. Comparisons
Forget about your exes. They are a thing of the past. In the present there is new love. And it is easy to destroy if you compare your partner with ex-passions.
15. Together 24 hours a day
“They are the perfect couple - they do everything together!” - every time you hear such exclamations, you involuntarily smile sarcastically. How long will they be together? A person psycho-physiologically needs solitude. Don't strive to spend every minute with your loved one. On the contrary, the less time for communication, the more valuable it is.
16. Lie
A lie, like water, can erode the foundation of any, even the strongest, union. It is possible to follow Dr. House's principle - “everyone lies,” but not when communicating with a loved one. Speak honestly if the soup is slightly under-salted or if you didn’t like the dress you were given, and learn to adequately perceive such truth addressed to you.
17. Lying to yourself
Sometimes relationships collapse not because we lie to our partner, but because we are not honest enough with ourselves. Is this the person I want to grow old with? Do I want to give myself to this relationship? Until you sincerely answer these questions for yourself, you will not achieve harmony in your relationship.
18. Lack of self-confidence
The lower your self-esteem, the more insecure your partner feels. Don’t let your complexes give rise to questions: “Did I choose the right person? What can he/she give me if he doesn’t believe in himself?” The opposite is also true - run away from someone who asserts himself at your expense and makes you feel insignificant.
19. Goals
What's next? Where will your relationship lead? You need to know exactly whether your goals coincide with your partner's plans. Perhaps he (s) is not at all in the mood for marriage in the near future, while you are already dreaming of a family. Don't be shy to ask these questions and don't be afraid to end a dead-end relationship.
20. Love as a given
It is believed that they love not for something, they love for no reason. That's right. But this “coin” also has a flip side: love cannot be taken for granted. Love is a gift from fate. Be grateful to the person next to you for his feelings.
Have you encountered anything from this list? How did this affect your relationship?
Save it for yourself!
Classmates
There is a myth that people fall in love at first sight and their love lasts forever. However, no one builds houses like that, no one gets a profession like that, and no one recovers like that.
I believe that a woman builds relationships. Do you know why I don't counsel couples? Because, as a rule, a man asks to prove that a woman is wrong. And he expects nothing else from the psychologist. I believe that a man only reacts to a woman.
He won't react that way to a psychologist. I work with women only because I firmly believe that when a woman changes, a man’s attitude towards her changes.
This article contains the 7 most common mistakes I have encountered.
The main mistake in a relationship is a lot of talking on the part of the woman. And this is not just talk. This is when, instead of explaining the reason for her sadness, she says: “I’ll explain to you how to do it right! I know! You don’t know, do you even..."
She begins her moralizing, for example, in the car, at a moment when he cannot even get out of it. And she continues to blow his mind all the way on an insignificant topic. Then they come home, eat, go to bed, have sex, and in the morning everything repeats.
Women have another one common mistake. They constantly go to the extreme - “always accessible” or “absolutely inaccessible”. There are 2 points:
When a woman is available to her partner for intimacy regardless of his behavior, she loses value both for herself and for her partner.
When a woman takes the position of a tough leader or “mother” in the family, sexual attraction to her disappears. Because in a man’s head, “mom” and “sex” are two different things. “Mom” is for love, but for sex you need to look for another woman.
A woman is a combination of a girl and a mother. Together we get a calm, harmonious woman who knows how to show flexibility. Mom cannot be flexible because she is constantly worrying about something and has to be right. And a girl cannot be flexible simply because she is stupid.
When a woman learns to feel herself, she understands what calm joy is. And he learns to find the tools to reach such a state.
Women are waiting for a man to come and do something and make things good. It won't be good. Because the need for love is a basic need. We can only fulfill our basic needs on our own.
And, if a woman does not know how to satisfy her basic needs on her own, dissatisfaction will increase. Although, it would seem, she acts as she should, and the man acts as they write in magazines. But she doesn't feel it. And this leads to people breaking up.
A woman often tries to convey to a man that he does not correspond to her ideas. She constantly repeats statements such as: “You are lazy!”, “How much can you?”, “You never earn money,” “When will you make a decision?” And conveying information to him from such a position will ultimately turn him into a “cat” who will not want to come to her.
I have this allegory when we take a tiger and hit it with a slipper every day. We tell him that he is not strong and not a tiger. I suggest women say phrases like “You know, I'm sad,” “You know, I'm very upset because I explained to you how important this is to me, in the hope that you will understand me.”
Thus, the woman gives the man responsibility for her condition. This is very important. Because all women expect responsibility. He is an absolutely comfortable creature who doesn’t really like extra responsibility.
And the representative strong half It is much easier for humanity to make a woman feel comfortable than to later be responsible for her being sad.
I have been working for 15 years and for a long time I didn’t understand why girls with completely different statuses, ages, experiences and upbringings make the same mistakes. And what did I understand?
The responsibility of parents is enormous. Parents should give their daughter the experience of happiness, by which she will later identify herself in society. For example, I was not taught to feel happiness. And when a girl goes out into life, she does not know what a state of happiness is.
She knows the state of fragmented rewards for good grades, good behavior, or anything else. And so she goes out into life, not knowing what happiness is, and meets a man who says: “I am happiness!” She takes him to her place. 2-3 years pass, and she does not feel happy.
The main task of parents is to convey to their children what happiness is. And, if a woman nurtures and cultivates in herself a feeling of calm joy, she solves two problems at once.
A friend of mine has a daughter who is 3 years old. When she approaches him, she immediately shows affection. By and large, nature shows a girl’s behavior model. If a woman behaved like this all the time, then the man would have no chance of remaining indifferent. But where does all this disappear with age?
Why, when you start communicating with a girl, do you have to wait so long for her to cling to you? When women were children, they did this unconsciously. Why do they need to be taught this again?
This is anxiety. Experience from previous relationships. When a girl has been deceived three times, she begins to think: “What if he doesn’t need this? What if he pushes me away?
When I cling to him, say a kind word, then he will have no choice to be bad. The same is true for our children. First, you must always accept their feelings. If your daughter cries, you should never tell her that she is crying because of nonsense.
It must be said that you would also cry in her place. You need to empathize. One tool is to let your child know that he is okay.
You need to say: “In any situation, I am with you.” And you need to stop yourself from moralizing. Many people say: “I’m with you in any situation, but listen, when I was your age...” And it begins...
A man must learn to speak. When he doesn't talk, the woman feels unwanted. The problem is that they make plans alone and do not discuss them with the woman. If he says: “Today I am working in order to buy us a house in three years,” then the woman will happily support him.
In the eyes of a man, if he lives with her, comes home and eats soup, it means he loves her. But a woman doesn’t understand this. Women ask: “How can I understand that he doesn’t look at me much, comes late and sleeps in another room?”
When I ask this question to men, they answer: “Well, I’m with her! Everything is fine". You need to talk to women. You need to say: “I’m tired. Prepare me this dish." And she will be happy.
How to convey to men that you need this?
The fact is that women see in detail. That is, they make up an overall picture from fragments. And men see the big picture. When a woman does something and asks a man: “How’s it going?”, an explosion occurs in his head. He thinks that if he says it now and doesn’t get it, there will be a scandal.
There is one good game. When your man asks you to do something, for example, asks you where his shirt is, or asks you to make tea, you tell him the following: “Three words that are important to me, and I will tell you where your shirt is” or “5 kind words, and you will have the best tea in the world."
A man really needs to be trained for some time to constantly say such words to you. Later he will use this tool independently.
Why does a woman, when she goes out, stand in front of the mirror for hours and want to look a little better for strangers, but does not take the time to look good at home for her man? This happens because the woman is worried public opinion. Her man is already nearby.
It is much more important to her that it is not her husband who will say something wonderful, but someone else who will tell her husband about what kind of beautiful wife.
This is not a very healthy position and needs to be eradicated. I believe that being beautiful is a woman's job for the rest of her life. It doesn't matter how old she is. It doesn't matter who she works for. Under no circumstances should you let yourself go.
Simple techniques to be happy:
Incredible facts
Habits are second nature to humans.
Habits are very difficult to break, especially when they develop over the course of a long-term relationship.
But some habits can destroy even strong bonds and alienate the most loving partners from each other.
Here are six of the most annoying habits, according to psychologists, that can play a cruel joke on you. Be sure to pay attention to them and, if possible, eradicate them in order to save the relationship.
What destroys relationships
1. Wait for initiative from your partner
It is a mistake to believe that you should be primarily focused on waiting for initiative from your partner. In any case, this is precisely the tactic of behavior that was instilled in many girls in childhood.
“A man should take the first step” – that’s what we’re used to. And, following this advice, they constantly waited for initiative from a potential partner.
However, if you stick to this strategy all your life, you may end up developing the habit of constantly waiting.
And even when you have already established a permanent relationship, it will be difficult for you to eradicate it.
Not only does this habit prevent you from properly enjoying life and meeting your own needs (whether in a new or long-term relationship), it can also send the wrong signals to your partner, who will simply think that you are not interested in your current relationship.
To counteract this bad habit eternal waiting, try to at least sometimes also take the initiative. This way, you will feel more in control of your own destiny.
Think back to times when you reaped positive results by taking initiative. This psychological tactic will best motivate you to do something.
The same goes for your relationships. Think about a time when you took action and the outcome benefited you. This may be enough to make you feel like you are able to manage your relationship well.
The results will probably surprise you, because your partner will be very happy to see you take initiative and take some action.
2. Constantly arguing about the same things
In fact, arguing about the same things is a very annoying habit.
Regular arguments and disagreements can destroy even the strongest relationships.
Perhaps you are depressingly always right. Disagreement with your partner about something daily work or responsibilities leads to constant quarrels. You should remember that it is always better to compromise with your significant other.
Try to find a time when you can calmly talk about what's bothering you both, and come up with a plan together to solve the problem.
For example, you constantly have arguments about who should cook or wash the dishes and when. Take time to discuss, sit down, take your time, make a schedule, make small changes to your daily routine.
If you both decide that decision made is fair, this consensus will ultimately lead to desired result, and then the disputes will disappear. The main thing is to meet each other halfway.
If everyone continues to pull the blanket on themselves, nothing will work out, disputes will arise again and again, and, ultimately, lead to quarrels and breakdowns in relationships.
3. Taking your partner for granted
Perhaps this is the most common habit in long-term relationships - taking your partner for granted.
What's wrong with that? In some ways, taking your partner for granted is good sign because it means that you and your partner feel like you can rely on each other completely.
It's nice to know that, to some extent, your partner can withstand your occasional outbursts of anger or irritation, or that you can change clothes in front of him without shame or embarrassment.
However, very often such an attitude towards a partner plays a cruel joke in a relationship. For example, in some situations when you should be grateful for their help and simply say thank you or praise your significant other for the work they have done, you do not do this.
And all because you take his words and actions for granted.
Try to change this attitude by taking the time to thank him and sometimes praise him. Let your significant other know that he/she means a lot to you and you appreciate his/her support.
4. Being too serious
You might find that you laugh and have fun with friends or colleagues outside the home more than you do when you are with your partner.
Preoccupation with family matters, dissatisfaction with work, low wages and other things makes many people forget that there are simple moments of joy. But sometimes things happen that are funny and you just have to laugh at him.
If you do this with anyone other than your partner, this is not a very good sign for both of you.
The usual routine can become easier if you start laughing together and from the heart. Scientific research shows that laughter prolongs a person's life, and laughter with your loved one strengthens relationships, making them stronger and more trusting.
If you feel like your relationship is lacking some good jokes, laughter, and a little spark, it might be worth working on the situation.
Go to a romantic comedy together or watch a movie at home in the evening after a delicious dinner prepared together and always with love.
5. Have lunch and dinner not together
The modern way of life, its fast and hasty pace lead to the fact that we do not always have time to have lunch or dinner at normal conditions with your family and friends.
As a result, the daily inconsistency of schedules leads to the fact that we rarely see each other and spend little time with each other. But it’s so great to have lunch and dinner together.
Why does this question even arise? I often find that many of my clients experience feelings of loneliness and difficulty creating relationships. Moreover, the paradox of the situation is that I hear from single men that they really want to meet a woman and love her, build a family, have children and live in perfect harmony, and the same thing comes from single women! And they live in big city, communicate and intersect with many people during the day, but inside they feel a longing for spiritual closeness with a loved one.In our lives, communications have become so intense and superficial contacts are frequent that we have no shortage of people around us and communication; sometimes we are even cramped, and we get tired of each other. Social media have entered our lives so completely that a person gets the impression that he communicates and has an exchange with other people: we quarrel in the feed, make peace, support each other, congratulate each other on their birthdays, etc. Real life is replaced by a kind of surrogate for relationships with other people. You may not leave home and feel tired from contacts and communication.
The problem is that such a surrogate relationship is very superficial, and people come with a great hunger for intimacy. There is some kind of illusion that a little more and I will meet the one or the one who will definitely be my soul mate, given to me by fate. And these halves meet, people even try to start a relationship, but then resentment begins, unjustified expectations, an attempt to “remake” the other, playing in certain psychological scenarios.
But the problem is not that we have not met a “suitable” partner - we are often afraid of intimacy, we are afraid of opening up, talking to each other, showing feelings, accepting them from others. "Leaving is much easier than staying." It seems you just need to meet the right person, and the relationship will “bloom” on its own, so we go in search of the next “true” love.
It turns out that, despite the funeral epitaphs, the very values of relationships and love have not gone away; most people want this and feel the need for it. But a difficulty arises - how to integrate this into life, how to realize these aspirations in new realities.
There are ideas that it is quite possible to live without intimacy in a relationship (especially in a big city) - now there are no social expectations from young people to start a family, there is no need for a strict distribution of roles to survive in society - a man and a woman are compared in income level, have equal opportunities to build a career, etc., the issue of arranging and organizing everyday life is resolved jointly. I don’t want to evaluate the changes that are taking place, but I recognize here the presence of such a tendency, already a fact of our life. The sexual sphere has become liberated enough for a man or woman to satisfy their physiological needs “without obligation.”
The question arises: why and for what purpose should we start a relationship with a person? After all, everything can be obtained. People begin to strive for career heights, professional fulfillment, and making money; this emptiness is filled with workaholism, and the desire for relationships is replaced by new love connections, from one partner to another. And getting closer, opening up, becoming interested in another person, somewhere experiencing anxiety, worry that he will be rejected, deceived, or being disappointed in unjustified expectations - all this seems so unjustified, too costly, uncertain, and does not provide any guarantees of a happy relationship.
Now large number people who experience loneliness and emptiness try to drown it out with something. Over time, the colors of life fade, superficial acquaintances look like an escape from real deep relationships, they no longer bring any pleasure, substitutes like professional achievements, do not save you from the feeling of loneliness. Receiving quickly consumed emotions does not bring about deep feelings and changes in a person, new experiences, his presence here in the world, which is only possible in a close relationship with another person. The feeling of buying, for example, a new phone or car no longer brings lasting joy, the pleasure of sexual contact with another partner is very fleeting and, as one of my clients said, very quickly you want to be left alone and send this girl out the door. And so on, all the time she wants more and more, it’s like a “black hole”, she will never get enough, but what she had before is no longer enough for her, she is hungry again.
After some time, depression, apathy sets in, fears and anxieties arise, or anger and aggression arises, blaming the men and women around them, and oneself. As one client, a 40-year-old man, a lonely but quite successful manager in his profession, said, that if he dies in his apartment, no one will remember him except his colleagues and his manager, because he won’t come to work. No, he does not want a relationship precisely because he is afraid of dying, but such fears arise as a by-product, including feelings of loneliness.
Fear of death and loneliness are intertwined with each other, like other existential realities. Close person and the feeling of love softens these anxieties. We are all afraid of dying, but when something happens to a person that threatens his life, or he falls ill with a fatal disease, he immediately remembers his loved ones or thinks about his loneliness, what kind of relationship he had, whether he loved or was loved, can he have time to do something else for the people dear to him?
Another problem is when people have already met each other, but then something happens and the relationship is destroyed, or rather, people themselves destroy it. There are a lot various reasons why this is happening. But “to withstand” another person with a different inner world, values, unique personality, life experience, fears and anxieties is very difficult and requires the joint desire of both partners and their involvement in each other, the need to be in the space of relationships, not afraid to talk about each other friend, about your feelings and worries.
What prevents intimacy?
There are some attitudes, scenarios, illusions that can create difficulties in existing relationships or prevent you from getting closer to another person:1. Love arises when the “other half” meets.
There are many illusions and ideas that a happy relationship is the key to love that arises spontaneously or “magically” between people created for each other. This topic is speculated on in movies and romance novels, creating a beautiful fairy tale about the search for the one or the one. This is a very common story and quite popular. What happens when there is such a picture of the world?
Responsibility for the relationship is removed. After all, how can you influence them, since there is an unknown power of “love”, which someone rewards only at their whim. It happens very in a simple way explain to myself my failure, indicating that I have stopped loving or that they no longer love me. Often I come across people’s attempts at the beginning of communication to find this “spark”, a harbinger of love, after feeling which they can be sure that this is the one or the one.
Setting such a criterion for relationships, people may never start a new relationship. If people have entered into a relationship, then when difficulties begin on both sides, which are natural in any relationship, they begin to be disappointed that it was not love, but passion, desire, infatuation or something else.
I in no way deny that there is love and such great feeling tenderness, sensitivity, care, trust and devotion to your loved one and to a loved one. But it does not arise by anyone's will except ours, when it is the result of two people going through a joint experience of intimacy. In the beginning there may be sympathy, interest, desire to know better than man. But all this is the fruit of relationships between people who went through different feelings towards each other, overcame conflicts, resentments, experienced joy and tenderness, anger and indignation. All these feelings are natural in a relationship.
2. Inability to talk openly about your feelings and experiences.
This is one of the most common problems that people face in relationships. At first, they experience a romantic upsurge, exciting emotions, excitement, try to please each other, “keep face” and see the other in such a selective representation. Negative feelings, periods of conflict and tension arise a little later, but they arise anyway! And here it is important to be able to talk about this with a partner, to set aside time for this when people are alone, and nothing/nobody bothers them, and they talk sincerely. If this is not done, then tension accumulates, breaks out and splashes out with resentment, irritation, insults, which happens if a person himself does not fully understand what is happening to him and drives away unpleasant feelings. But they don’t go anywhere and will definitely “get it out” on their partner, “get revenge” on him. All this requires, first of all, attention to yourself and your needs, desires, experiences and feelings. And only then attention to the partner and the desire to get to know him. Relationships do not create themselves and people do not get closer to each other without sharing their real inner world.
3. Manipulation.
One of my clients made a request in therapy: “I want my husband to grow up and start earning more so that I can rely on him. To which I asked, why did you come to me and not him? - I just want to learn do what he wants." Of course, manipulation is such a desirable skill, a tool that is partly condemned by society, but if you do it “for the good of a person,” then you can use it to do good, because “I know exactly what is good for everyone.” Or I remember one story from practice when a client was asking how she could influence a man and “capture him” if he decided not to be in a relationship with her. In response to my comment that he still decided so, it was his responsibility, she said that it was not so important to her, she wants to be happy with him, and he will also be happy, because she loves him and will do everything for their relationship. Manipulation destroys intimacy, takes people away from each other, it becomes a surrogate for relationships.
Yes, external goals are achieved - the person next to you does something the way you wanted, but not the way he wanted, because you made a choice for him, made a decision and took responsibility for him. Manipulation gives a feeling of power and the ability to decide the fate of another person, to influence him for the benefit of his own goals, which are often completely unrelated to love and true intimacy. This is the lack of boundaries for the manipulator himself and the non-acceptance of the boundaries of another person, freedom and its limitations for every human being. These actions cover up in a person own fears loneliness, lack of self-worth and anxiety from helplessness that it is impossible to completely control your life and always get what you want. A narcissistic state of mind arises in a person, that they cannot love him as he is with all his weaknesses and shortcomings, that he is not worthy of love. In this case, manipulations are designed to run away and hide from oneself and one’s imperfections, manipulating not even others, but oneself.
4. "They lived happily ever after."
IN happy relationship there are no conflicts or misunderstandings. This thought gives rise to the fantasy that being with your loved one will be easy and happy life without misunderstandings, conflicts, resentments, anger and irritation. Any person and any relationship can be ruined. But in all respects, people face irritation and conflicts, resentments, but not everyone can withstand them and experience them, be in them. This is a natural tension that arises between two personalities, and a great illusion that there are people with whom it will not exist. How many people do I meet who encounter difficulties in relationships and, instead of trying to solve them together, run away from these relationships. They meet new partners, and this whole circle repeats. You have to accept one thing - a relationship with another person, it is always not only joy, happiness and pleasure, but also pain, discomfort, difficulties in accepting another person. This is what most people run away from when they have experienced a period of “romantic” upsurge and are faced with the natural other side of any relationship. As J-P said. Sartre "Hell is others."
5. Expectations from the relationship.
How often can you hear some expectations from relationships from both men and women: “I only need serious relationship, I am building a family and want children; I don’t want to be sat on my neck and used; I want a relationship without obligations and just sex; I want her to accept the dominance of men in the family; I want him to communicate less with friends and pay more attention to me" and further down the list. When meeting with clients in my sessions, I often see these expectations from others running like a line in their eyes, people may not talk about this , but one immediately gets the feeling that a “casting” is taking place, that the other person is being perceived to satisfy his own needs.
Some people know what they want to include on this list own ideas from a partner, someone doesn’t even fully understand, but is waiting for something. A meeting with another person, the moment of this wonderful connection of two personalities and their worlds, is overshadowed by the search for guarantees, confirmation of a certain result that a person wants to get from the relationship. The very feeling of pleasure from communication, the process of getting to know each other, experiencing different feelings that arise between two people disappears.
This gift given to us by life, the creation of a common space of intimacy, comes down to specific criteria for one’s own “happiness.” Joy and delight go away, excitement from touching another world and the soul of a person, his values, weaknesses and wonderful qualities, his personal uniqueness. life story, his dreams and hopes, and in return come assessments, comparisons, conclusions, and one’s own construction of hypotheses about whether this person is suitable for certain purposes or not.
All this comes from the fact that a person “clings” to relationships as if they were a “lifeline” or builds barriers to real intimacy, trying to drown out his anxieties and fears, heal his internal wounds, using another person.
6. We must understand each other.
Our own idea that a loved one should read our needs, read our thoughts, understand us and be sure to feel the same as we do, have the same point of view, support us, etc., brings us back to childhood infantile fantasy, when our mother should was to read our needs and desires without words. In the lives of adult individuals there will always be an abyss of misunderstanding, we will always be faced with isolation between us and other people, as existentialists say, we come into this world alone and essentially leave alone too, and not a single person will ever merge with us into a single state. Yes, intimacy and relationships soften this loneliness, but it will never completely disappear from a human being. But how often do people get offended and draw conclusions about their partner and relationships when they are faced with a sincere misunderstanding of themselves.
7. Idealization.
It is very difficult for us to retain contradictory assessments, thoughts, and attitudes in our understanding of a person, as well as of anything else. We strive for a certain categorization and unambiguity, clarity of inner sensation. Which often leads to the fact that we build ideal ideas about our partner, attribute mythical qualities to him or pay attention only to his merits, but do not see that this person, like anyone else, is not perfect, he also makes mistakes and can make It hurts us to be disappointed in something that does not meet our expectations. Next may come a period of depreciation and overthrow, disappointment, which many are afraid of and, in order to prevent this, run away from the relationship in search of a new ideal.
We are so different, but we can still be together.
This list could be continued for a long time, I think, but one thing becomes obvious. “Relationships in intimacy” are important to all of us, we strive for them, but we don’t always understand, know, and know how to get it. We are taught many sciences, rules of etiquette, the ability to stand up for ourselves, but we are not taught to be in a relationship with another person. After all, the most beautiful thing about our loneliness in life is the attempt to brighten it up with others. Yes, it will never be possible to fully achieve understanding with another person, we will always experience our “difference” in relationships, we will always experience negative feelings and experiences towards each other, experience conflicts, we will be disappointed in the other person, that he is not our ideal fantasies, we will want him to feel the same as we do, to act the same way as we imagine he should act, but this cannot be.If we want to be close to another person and feel that, despite all this, he is dear and important to us, then we need to accept these givens of our life. Intimacy is not a relationship, it is what happens through the meeting of one world with another and the willingness to accept the world of another, to be open to the other, but to continue to change, because the intimacy of one person with another necessarily changes both. Whether two people can go through this life together depends on their joint involvement and responsibility of each.
Relationships in which you constantly prove something, and your partner constantly expresses “doubts”
Relationships that are destroying you
What relationships are traumatic and need healing, and often closure?
Relationships in which you are constantly controlled, based on jealousy, mistrust, and the partner’s fear of losing you.
If your partner constantly checks your phone, email, profiles on social networks, hacks passwords, etc., threatens to do something to you or himself - this is abnormal and destroys you.
© Salvador Dali
Relationships in which you constantly control your partner, are jealous, do not trust, and which you are afraid of losing.
This also includes your possible inability to be alone, alone with yourself. If you use relationships to “plug up” your spiritual emptiness, then it’s time to deal with yourself.
A relationship in which only you take the initiative.
Call, write messages, offer to meet - and the partner only agrees favorably (or disagrees, and then you panic). Such a “one-sided game” is not a sign of a healthy relationship.
Relationships in which you are humiliated.
This can include insults, teasing, your partner demonstrating his superiority, pointing out your inadequacy and shortcomings, and physical violence. You need to urgently end such relationships and deal with the reasons why you ended up in such a relationship.
A relationship in which you put your partner down.
If you cannot resist insults, pointing out your partner’s shortcomings, assault, etc., you also need to pause and understand yourself: why are you doing this. And if your partner is so disgusting that he deserves such treatment - why are you still with him?
A relationship in which you constantly prove something, and your partner constantly expresses “doubts.”
Especially when it comes to your feelings and willingness to be together. If your partner once again said something like: “Don’t lie to me and yourself, you don’t love me,” and you cry and frantically explain something, most likely you are being “deluded” into negative emotions to feed their sick ego.
Relationships in which you yourself do not understand how and why you ended up.
If your partner is the leader, constantly takes the initiative and doesn’t let you come to your senses, and you just do what he wants, it’s quite possible that you are out of touch with your feelings and desires. You need to pause and understand yourself.
Relationships in which you are constantly "begging" for something
Love, attention, care, and just a good attitude towards yourself. If you are forced to prove that you are worthy of all this, most likely you have extremely low self-esteem, and you need to address it.
Relationships that you would like to change, but your partner remains “deaf”, like a wall.
If you feel that your needs in the relationship are being ignored, and your partner is saying that “everything is fine, don’t make it up,” perhaps you need to pause to look from the outside: whether everything is really fine, or not quite.
Relationships that don't develop.
Or they develop out of boredom and hopelessness. “Just meetings” that don’t turn into life together, civil marriage, which never turns into a registered marriage, in which children never appear, and the spouses live together like roommates in a dorm. Most likely, you need to pause and figure out: maybe this is the “wrong” relationship? published
