Ideal parents 60 minutes read. Books in the series “Education according to Faber and Mazlish. In this book

EXPRESS COURSE! Ideal format for busy parents!

A new book by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish“Perfect Parents in 60 Minutes.” Express course from world experts in education."

In this book:

Excerpts from the legendary Faber and Mazlish methodology - the most important!
Analysis of difficult situations in comics
Tests for the “correct reaction”
Practical exercises to consolidate skills
Answers to current issues parents

“Perfect Parents in 60 Minutes” is:

World bestseller since 1992
More than 3,000,000 copies sold
Ideal format for busy parents

The effectiveness of the technique of Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish has long been proven in practice. Their books were translated into 24 languages and became bestsellers in many countries, including Russia. Thanks to their works, the authors have earned the sincere gratitude of millions of parents, as well as high marks from professional teachers and psychologists. One of the main advantages of the technique is that it does not require any special skills to master and apply it. With the help of books by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, anyone can build trusting partnerships with children, if you just want to!

About the authors: Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish were in the past ordinary American mothers of disobedient children (each of them had three), until they tried to change this by going to the seminars of the then popular psychologist Chaim Ginott. The classes had an effect and bore fruit, but did not give the mothers answers to all their questions. Then the women decided to develop their own, detailed method of education, based on effective communication with the child, based on the experience of trial and error. The result exceeded all expectations: the first book by A. Faber and E. Mazlish, “Free Children - Free Parents,” instantly became a bestseller and continues to maintain this status for about 40 years. Soon after the publication of this book, Adele and Elaine's seminar programs became known far beyond the United States. They still conduct them regularly for parents and teachers who want to learn effective communication with children and teenagers. The rich practical base that was accumulated in the process of classes was reflected in their subsequent books, indispensable for loving and responsible parents all over the world.

Below we publish an excerpt from the book.

About praise

“Why do children refuse when I praise them? I tell my daughter that she is smart, and she replies: “Lisa is smarter.” I say she’s beautiful, and she says, “I’m fat.” I say she's wonderful older sister and a gifted artist, and she kicks the younger one and says that she can’t draw. Sometimes it seems to me that she is trying to prove that I am wrong.

It's even worse with my son. He was throwing the ball into the basketball hoop and finally hit it. I screamed, “Great! You are a real basketball player! He threw the ball and went into the house. I don't understand. Every time I try to praise my children, my words have the opposite effect.”

You just pointed out the problem of global praise associated with the evaluation of children. Words like “smart,” “handsome,” and “wonderful” not only make them focus on their own shortcomings, but also encourage them to stop trying. If I’m already wonderful, why take the risk - because next time it might not work out!

Does this mean we should stop praising children?

This means that if we want to help children believe in themselves and continue to try, then we need to avoid assessments. Forget words like “good”, “great”, “fantastic”, “best”. Learn to simply describe. You can describe what you see or feel.

Describe what you see.
“You struggled with this problem until you found a solution!”
“You still made that throw! The ball went straight into the basket!”
“Although you had your own affairs, you helped your sister do homework».

Describe your feelings
“I like your painting “Sunset on the Sea.” It creates a feeling of happiness and peace.”
“Every time I remember your joke, I can’t help but laugh.”

Describing what we see or feel has an almost magical effect. We not only confirm the value of the child’s efforts, but also help him believe in himself. We motivate him to continue his efforts.

Summarize what you see in words
“You rehearsed until you learned every last note. This is what I call perseverance».
“I see that you saved the last piece of cake for your sister. This is it willpower!».
“You raked up all the leaves and collected them in a bag. And I didn't even ask you! That's what I call responsibility!»

What if there is nothing to praise for?

There are times when we really want to tell our children everything we think about them.

“Why are you dressing so slowly? Look at you! You haven't put on your shoes yet! So you’ll never catch the bus!”
“If you had sat down for your homework when I told you to, instead of playing stupid video games, you would have done everything. You are always looking for excuses for your own laziness!”

But you shouldn't give in to temptation. It is necessary to describe to the child what he has achieved, even if these achievements are insignificant.

“You got dressed, had breakfast and brushed your teeth. Now all you have to do is find shoes and socks. And you are ready!
“Let's see... ten exercises for adding and subtracting fractions. It's tiring. But I see that you have already solved the first two examples. Looks like you're on the right track."

By celebrating the progress made (no matter how small), we instill in children the confidence and desire to continue their efforts.

But let’s say there is nothing to praise the child for. And let's say you have one of those hypersensitive kids who gets upset to death when they realize they've done something wrong.

Help your child understand that his mistake can be an important discovery. One mother told us about how her three-year-old son shook a cup of juice while talking to her. Suddenly the lid came off the cup and the juice spilled onto the boy's shirt and onto the floor. The boy began to sob hysterically.
“Sammy,” the mother said solemnly, “you made a discovery!”
The boy stopped crying and looked at her in surprise.
The mother said very calmly:
- You just discovered that when you shake a closed cup, the lid can come off and the juice will spill!
The next week my grandmother came to the house. She placed her purse and glasses on the kitchen counter. A minute later she reached for her purse and dropped her glasses. Grandmother exclaimed:
- Oh no!
Sammy pulled her by the jacket and said very solemnly:
- Grandma, you just made a discovery!
- Opening? – she was surprised, raising her glasses.
- You discovered that if you put glasses on the edge of the counter, they can fall!
- Wow! - Grandmother said admiringly. - I'll remember this!

The long-awaited new product from experts No. 1 in communicating with children Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish! The 1992 edition is fully adapted to modern realities! In the book you will find: excerpts from the legendary Faber and Mazlish methodology - briefly the most important; analysis of difficult situations in comics; “correct reaction” tests; practical exercises to consolidate skills; answers to pressing questions from parents. Ideal format for busy parents!

Principles and skills

About feelings

“The thing that irritates me most about children is that they cry and throw tantrums in empty space. They are completely devoid of common sense."

About feelings

Children become even more irritated when their negative feelings are denied or considered insignificant.

And even a simple, logical parental decision does not help.

Children want you to know how they feel

Sometimes just listening is enough.

Sometimes you can show that you understand the child’s feelings with simple interjections: “oh!”, “mmm...”.

Sometimes it is helpful to name the feeling your child is experiencing.

Most children like it when you give them in fantasy what they cannot get in reality.

You can acknowledge your child's feelings even if you decide to limit his actions.

Practicing affirmation of feelings

For each of the examples below, choose the answer that shows that you understand the child's feelings.

1. Child: Dad almost killed me when he pulled a splinter out of my finger...

Adult:

a) You couldn’t be in that much pain.

b) It looks like you were really in a lot of pain.

c) He did it for your good.

2. Child: Because of this light snowfall, the coach canceled our game!

Adult:

a) You must be very disappointed. You were so prepared for the game, and now you have to wait.

b) Don't be upset. You will have many more opportunities to play.

c) Your coach made the right decision. Sometimes light snowfall turns into a real snowstorm.

3. The child plays with your new beads.

Adult:

a) How many times have I told you not to touch my jewelry?! You're a bad girl!

b) Please don't play with mom's beads. You'll tear them apart.

c) You like my new beads. But they are very easy to tear. Play with wooden ones or this scarf.

4. Child: I don't like spiders.

Adult:

a) Don't you like it? Why?

b) Don't say that. They are part of nature.

c) I don’t like them either.

5. Child ( anxiously): Tomorrow I have a math test.

Adult:

a) Relax. I'm sure you'll decide everything correctly.

b) If you studied more, there would be nothing to worry about now.

c) You are worried. I'm sure you would like it to be over already.

6. The child eats spaghetti with his hands.

Adult:

a) Your behavior at the table is disgusting.

b) I know that eating spaghetti with your hands is easier. But when we all eat together, we would like you to use a fork.

c) I can’t believe that at this age you still eat with your hands.

7. Child: David asked me to dance. I like him, but I don’t know whether to go or not...

Adult:

a) Of course, go. You'll see, it will be fun there.

b) Figure it out yourself. Either you want to go or you don't.

c) So you want to go, but you’re not quite sure?

8. Child: I'll run away from home!

Adult:

a) Great! I'll help you get ready.

b) Don't be stupid! I don’t want to hear such conversations!

c) You are unhappy. I'm sure you wish things were different.

Correct answers: 1b, 2a, 3c, 4a, 5c, 6b, 7c, 8c

Under each statement write:

a) incorrect reaction;

b) the correct reaction that confirms the child’s feelings.

Wrong: ________________

Right: __________________

3. “My picture is not pretty.”

Wrong: ________________

Right: __________________

Wrong: ________________

Right: __________________

Wrong: ________________

Right: __________________

Possible answers

Here are some possible reactions in the situations described above. There is no single correct answer in this situation. If we respectfully validate a child's feelings, we are doing the right thing.

1. “I will never play with Susie again!”

Wrong: You don't think so! Susie is yours best friend!

Correct: Sometimes she really makes you angry.

2. “Why did you give your sister so many gifts for her birthday?!”

Wrong: And on your birthday, you received gifts, but your sister received nothing.

Correct: It’s unpleasant when all the gifts go to your sister. I'm sure you wish today was your birthday.

3. “My picture is not pretty.”

Wrong: No, what are you talking about! She's beautiful!

Correct: I see that you are not very happy with your work...

4. “The teacher asks me too much.”

Wrong: You complain about everything. You can't do that!

Right: If you were a teacher, you would ask the children much less.

5. The child looks unhappy.

Wrong: What's happened? If you don't tell me, I won't be able to help you.

Correct: Something happened. Is something bothering you?

How to achieve cooperation

“It irritates me when I ask children to do something and they don’t pay attention to me.”

How to get cooperation

Children do not want to meet their parents halfway when their parents accuse them, call them names, threaten or order them.

Several ways to get your child to cooperate

We train to achieve cooperation

In each of the situations described, choose a response that will help achieve cooperation and at the same time reinforce the child's self-esteem.

1. The child is drawing in the living room.

Adult:

a) If I ever see you in the living room with paints again, I will throw them away.

b) Dyes can stain the carpet. You can draw in the kitchen or your room. Choose for yourself.

c) Are you completely crazy?! Do you know how hard it is to remove paint from a carpet?!

2. Child ( in a whiny tone): Mom! You promised to go to the store for books today! You promised!

Adult:

a) Stop whining!

b) Leave me alone. Maybe later.

c) I would like you to say it differently: “Mom, could we go buy some books today?”

3. The child runs out of the room, leaving his notebooks on the table.

Adult: a) Jimmy, your notebooks!

b) Jimmy, come back! You're such a slob! Look what you left on the table?!

c) You did your homework all evening, and now you left it on the table. Amazing!!

4. Child: Mom, hang up! I need to tell you something.

Adult:

a) Leave me alone! Can’t I really talk on the phone calmly for five minutes?!

b) Shhh! I'll be free soon.

c) I'll finish soon. And you can write what you want to say or draw.

5. The child does not water the flower you bought him.

Adult:

a) You wanted this flower so much, and now it is dying due to your fault.

b) The leaves are falling off your flower.

c) Next time I will buy you an artificial flower.

Correct answers: 1b, 2c, 3a, 4c, 5b

The child was brushing his teeth and did not close the tap properly after himself.

1. What can you say in such a situation so as not to damage the child’s self-esteem and not spoil your relationship?

____________________

2. Show how each of the following methods can be used.

a) Describe what you saw _________________

b) Give information _________________

c) Offer a choice _________________

d) Tell in words _________________

e) Describe your feelings _________________

e) Write a note _________________

Possible answers

Here are some useless reactions to the situation described above: after brushing his teeth, the child did not turn off the water properly.

Wrong:

Who didn't turn off the water?!

How many times do I have to remind you to turn off the tap?!

Why are you so irresponsible?!

It is because of people like this that there is not enough water in the world!

Here are a few reactions that can push a child to cooperate. At the same time, both parents and the child will remain completely satisfied with each other and with themselves.

a) Describe what you saw:

Water is dripping.

b) Give information:

Even a trickle wastes gallons of water.

c) Offer a choice:

You can turn off the tap right hand or left hand.

d) Say everything in words:

e) Describe your feelings:

It pains me to see precious water being wasted.

f) Write a note:

“If you hear: “Drip, drip, drip!”

run to the bathroom and turn off the tap.
Mother».

If possible, write a note in verse - children love rhymes, and your note will have an effect faster. But the most simply formulated request can be effective.

Don't criticize what your child says. Encourage him to examine his own feelings.

Summarize your child's feelings and thoughts.

Step II. Talk about your feelings or needs. (It's best to keep this step short.)

Step III. Invite your child to look for a solution with you.

Step IV. Write down all your ideas. Don't judge whether they are good or bad. (If possible, let your child come up with ideas first.)

Step V Determine which ideas you don’t like and which need to be implemented. Come up with a plan.

Practice problem solving

Imagine you have a 6-year-old daughter, Amy, who clearly doesn't get along with your 18-month-old son, Billy. You have already told Amy more than once not to offend her brother, but she does not pay attention to your words. Yes, Billy does sometimes take her toys, but you explained to Amy that he is still small and does not understand. Today Billy took a page out of her favorite book. Amy pushed him hard and he fell and had a bump on his head. We'll have to punish her. But how? You can hit her the same way she hits her brother. Or you can forbid her to play with her friends for a whole week. Or you can take away her new toy.

End of introductory fragment.

* * *

The given introductory fragment of the book Ideal parents in 60 minutes. Express course from world experts in parenting (Adele Faber, 2013) provided by our book partner -

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

HOW TO BE THE PARENT YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE

Illustrations by Kimberly Ann Coe

Illustrations Kimberly Ann Coe

Books in the series “Education according to Faber and Mazlish”

“How to talk so that children will listen, and how to listen so that children will talk”

This book is a reasonable, understandable, well-written and humorous guide to how to communicate correctly with children. No boring theory! Only verified practical recommendations and a lot of living examples for all occasions! The authors, world-renowned experts in the field of parent-child relationships, share with the reader both their own experience (each has three adult children) and the experience of numerous parents who have attended their seminars. The book will be of interest to anyone who wants to come to full understanding with children and stop “generational conflicts” forever.

“How to talk so teenagers will listen, and how to listen so teenagers will talk”

In their new book, the authors showed how, using their famous communication technique, to find contact with children of adolescence, build trusting relationships with them, and speak in such complex topics like sex, drugs and geeky appearance, help them become independent, take responsibility for their actions and make informed, reasonable decisions.

“Brothers and sisters. How to help your children live together"

When having another child, parents dream that the children will be friends with each other, that the older one will help the younger one, giving the mother time to rest or do other things. But in reality, the appearance of another child in a family is often accompanied by numerous childhood experiences, jealousy, resentment, quarrels and even fights.

“Perfect Parents in 60 Minutes.” Express course from world experts in education"

Ideal format for busy parents!

Other books by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

How to talk so children will listen, and how to listen so children will talk

How to talk to children so they learn

How to talk so teens will listen, and how to listen so teens will talk.

Brothers and sisters.

How to help your children live together

Free parents, free children

World-renowned experts in communication between adults and children, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, have earned endless gratitude from parents and enthusiastic recognition from the professional community.

Their first book Free parents, free children" was awarded the Christopher Prize for "literary achievements that underpin highest values human spirit." Next books " How to talk so children will listen, and how to listen so children will talk» 1
These and other books are published by Eksmo Publishing House.

AND " Brothers and sisters. How to help your children live together", which became a bestseller and took first place in the rating The New York Times sold more than 3 million copies and translated into more than 20 languages. Thousands of parent groups around the world use video programs and attend workshops taught by these authors. Adele and Elaine's latest book How to talk so that children learn"was recognized by Child magazine" best book year dedicated to family problems and education."

Faber and Mazlish studied with the famous child psychologist, doc

...

Here is an introductory fragment of the book.
Only part of the text is open for free reading (restriction of the copyright holder). If you liked the book, full text can be obtained from our partner's website.

Ideal parents in 60 minutes. Express course from world experts in parenting Mazlish Elaine

Books in the series “Education according to Faber and Mazlish”

“How to talk so that children will listen, and how to listen so that children will talk”

This book is a reasonable, understandable, well-written and humorous guide to how to communicate correctly with children. No boring theory! Only proven practical recommendations and a lot of live examples for all occasions! The authors, world-renowned experts in the field of parent-child relationships, share with the reader both their own experience (each has three adult children) and the experience of numerous parents who have attended their seminars. The book will be of interest to anyone who wants to come to full understanding with children and stop “generational conflicts” forever.

“How to talk so teenagers will listen, and how to listen so teenagers will talk”

In their new book, the authors showed how, using their famous communication technique, find contact with children of adolescence, build trusting relationships with them, talk about difficult topics such as sex, drugs and provocative appearance, help them become independent, take responsibility for their actions and make informed, reasonable decisions.

“Brothers and sisters. How to help your children live together"

“Perfect Parents in 60 Minutes.” Express course from world experts in education"

Ideal format for busy parents!

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Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

HOW TO BE THE PARENT YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE

Illustrations by Kimberly Ann Coe

Illustrations Kimberly Ann Coe

Books in the series “Education according to Faber and Mazlish”

“How to talk so that children will listen, and how to listen so that children will talk”

“How to talk so teenagers will listen, and how to listen so teenagers will talk”

“Brothers and sisters. How to help your children live together"

“Perfect Parents in 60 Minutes.” Express course from world experts in education"

Ideal format for busy parents!

Other books by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

How to talk so children will listen, and how to listen so children will talk

How to talk to children so they learn

How to talk so teens will listen, and how to listen so teens will talk.

Brothers and sisters. How to help your children live together

Free parents, free children

Their first book Free parents, free children" was awarded the Christopher Prize for "literary achievements that reinforce the highest values of the human spirit." Next books " How to talk so children will listen, and how to listen so children will talk" And " Brothers and sisters. How to help your children live together", which became a bestseller and took first place in the rating The New York Times sold more than 3 million copies and translated into more than 20 languages. Thousands of parent groups around the world use video programs and attend workshops taught by these authors. Adele and Elaine's latest book How to talk so that children learn” was recognized by Child magazine as “the best book of the year on family issues and education.”

Faber and Mazlish studied with renowned child psychologist Dr. Chaim Ginott at New school Social Research in New York City, and the Family Life Institute at Long Island University. They often give lectures in the USA and Canada and participate in all major television shows - from " Good morning, America" to the Oprah Winfrey Show. They live on Long Island and have three children each.

Dear friend, this book did not appear immediately

We first thought about it a few years after our first books won awards and topped the bestseller lists. We held a seminar on the topic of harmonious relationships between parents and children, based on mutual respect. A lot of people gathered. People vied with each other to tell us which of the techniques we recommended they tried and what results they achieved: “It was incredible!.. I couldn’t believe my own ears!.. It works!”

But among the shining faces we saw one gloomy woman. What was bothering her?

“This is all wonderful,” she said. – But what should I do with my husband?

– Tell him about what you learned last night.

- He never listens to me.

– What if you give him one of our books?

- He never reads books.

- Even short ones?

- Well, only if the book is really very short...

The man raised his hand.

– I heard your speech last year and after the lecture I decided to stay for the seminar. I must admit, I became a fantastic father... but only for a week.

- And then?

“And then I became the same.” That's why I'm here again today. I hope things work out better this time.

Someone changed the subject and we returned to what we were going to talk about. But these words remained in our memory. On the way home, we decided to discuss what was troubling our readers.

In these days when no one has time, how can we help parents learn to communicate with their children in a new way?

How can you convince them that a few simple skills can make their relationship with their children completely different?

How can we help them get rid of all the false things that the popular culture has taught them for so long, preaching humiliation, long sermons, threats, orders and sarcasm?

Changing a long-ingrained way of speaking is not easy. It is especially difficult to do this in a state of stress, fatigue, depression and general fatigue. We hope, concise advice, illustrated with comics, real-life examples and provided simple exercises, will help you cope with one of the most difficult and important tasks your life!

WITH best wishes, Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish

Principles and skills

About feelings

“What irritates me most about children is that they cry and throw tantrums out of nowhere. They are completely devoid of common sense."

About feelings

Children become even more irritated when their negative feelings are denied or considered insignificant.

And even a simple, logical parental decision does not help.

Children want you to know how they feel

Sometimes just listening is enough.

Sometimes you can show that you understand the child’s feelings with simple interjections: “oh!”, “mmm...”.

Sometimes it is helpful to name the feeling your child is experiencing.

Most children like it when you give them in fantasy what they cannot get in reality.