The child and mother during the intrauterine period are one whole. But then the baby is born, and what happens next? The connection remains even when the child is born. This symbiotic relationship between mother and child.

The future life of the child depends on this process. And this is not an exaggeration.

The most complex cases of personality pathology arise due to breakdowns in the mother-child interaction system in the early stages of development. As Margaret Mahler argued, the roots of the most severe psychoses in children grow from the second half of the first year and in the second year of life.

Phases of personality development at an early age

What phases does a mother face in early age?

Autistic phase

Her time is the first month of life. A newborn baby reacts only intuitively. At this time, the mother takes on the role of the baby’s “external executive self.” She must provide him with assistance in the administration of physiological mechanisms.

The baby grows and improves its perception of the environment. The autistic phase is replaced by a symbiotic one.

Symbiotic phase

Mothers and babies are in tune literally at the level nervous system. A lot of processes occur in the nervous system, connected between mother and baby through the system of mirror neurons - a symbiotic relationship between mother and child.

Nature came up with this because a human baby is born before its nervous system and brain mature. Nerve cells already there. Thanks to the symbiotic relationship between mother and child, paths arise between them, along which nerve impulses will run, and the final architecture of the brain is built.

The mother recognizes that the process has begun by the appearance of a smile on the baby’s face and the development of a “revival complex” when she approaches him. The symbiotic phase lasts up to 5-6 months. Extremely important phase, which our article is about.

The symbiotic relationship between mother and child is an evolutionary mechanism of survival and cultural transmission in the human species

The child begins the process of leaving the symbiosis somewhere between two and three years. There is an active, turbulent – ​​crisis process of exit. But this is how it should be according to nature. However, today's children get stuck in this process. Both children and mothers.

Reasons for getting stuck in the symbiotic relationship between mother and child

1. Firstly, intellectual development modern children are ahead of the curve, even if we are not keen on techniques early development. Modern child very overloaded with information. Therefore, his intellectual development takes so much energy that there is not enough energy to exit the symbiotic relationship between mother and child, to go through all its phases. Children are also born stronger and weaker. Some people make more efforts to get out of the symbiosis, others make less.

2. The second part of the symbiosis is the mother. It is often difficult for a mother to go through the phases of leaving symbiosis because she did not go through them with her mother. We are raised in such a way that few people have the experience of a healthy exit from the symbiotic relationship between mother and child. We don't have this natural escape program to rely on: I know, I've been through it. Now my child is going through this and it’s natural and normal.

The mother's behavior is affected by the lack of basic experience in her childhood. Accordingly, anxiety arises both on the part of the mother and on the part of the baby. That is, processes are disrupted from the very beginning.

The symbiotic relationship between mother and child is an attunement of the nervous system. How does a child develop, how does he become independent, and achieve his motivation? How does his nervous system work?

1. First, together with my mother, thanks to the fact that my mother knows how to regulate (well, if she can) her emotions, her excitement, and somehow calm down. The child adapts to this balance of the mother’s nervous system. Adapts to mother’s breathing and heartbeat – it’s all together.
2. Then the child learns to do something with the support of his mother. Something is happening to me, but I find a support point in my mother.
3. And only then does the child find a foothold in himself and act independently.

Separation-individuation phase

Separation of the baby from the mother. Increasing autonomy and independence. Begins at approximately 24 months of age. The separation-individuation phase itself takes place in 4 stages:

1. Differentiation (from 5-6 to 10 months of life) – the baby’s growing interest in the world around him.
2. Exercise (from 10 to 15 months of life) - mastering walking and growing curiosity. Although the baby is physically separated from the mother by physical activity, he still needs her support. The mother feeds the child emotionally when he is tired or experiencing a breakdown.
3. Recovery (from 16 to 24 months of life) is the crisis of the second year of life. The baby simultaneously wants to be with his mother and without her. Such internal contradictions that he must overcome. The intensity of inconsistency gradually decreases, the child develops a more realistic perception of himself and increases autonomy.
4. The “I myself” crisis (between 24 and 30 months of life) is a well-known crisis of the third year of life. Increasing independence.

Many parents consider the manifestation of the crisis to be something bad; they say that their children were spared by it. This is the wrong position. Development proceeds in leaps and bounds: calm periods are replaced by crises with rapid currents.

During a crisis, a child rises to a new level of development. Therefore, it is necessary to treat the baby with understanding during such periods. A personality must experience in its development all the stages provided for by nature. Nature abhors a vacuum.

Mom just knows.

“When I carried you home from the maternity hospital, I looked into the envelope on the landing and froze in amazement. You looked at me with such a penetrating and meaningful gaze that from that moment I was absolutely sure - you understand everything, feel everything, know everything about me, my daughter!” - this is what my mother told me when I, pregnant, asked her about my infancy. After these words, many fragments from my already adult life formed into one picture: how my mother once called me from afar and asked how I was feeling. Because she is sure that I have a temperature. And I had one, and what a one! When it was time for me to give birth, what happened a week earlier? deadline, my mother was a hundred kilometers away at the dacha with her sister’s son. My husband and I didn’t count on any support, but she suddenly appeared on the doorstep and, without even saying hello, asked: “Have you called an ambulance?” How did you know all this? - I tortured her after each such incident. Mom shrugged: she just knew - that’s all.

Best friend.

Having become a mother, I have repeatedly noticed that a certain wordless understanding between me and my son was established as if by itself. If mine Bad mood was caused by reasons beyond the child’s control, the baby seemed to “adjust” to me. This became especially noticeable after a year. The child could take care of himself for a long time, especially when I was in such a state that it seemed that everything was annoying me, and it was better not to touch me again. His peace was contagious - all my troubles began to seem not so terrible. As he grew older, my son could come up, without saying a word, caress me and seem to convey some of his inexhaustible childish energy.

It happens in different ways.

Talking with other mothers and observing their relationships with their children, I noticed that they all develop their own laws of communication. For others, everything is built on nuances; they react sensitively to each other. And some mothers are surprisingly insensitive to the signs their child gives them. And it happens that someone else’s parent manages to understand the baby’s needs earlier than his own mother.

We are connected.

It is obvious that between us and our children there is an invisible thread stretched from heart to heart. Thanks to this natural connection between mother and child, we understand almost everything without words and when one of the interlocutors does not yet know how to speak. The possibility of such a connection is provided by nature as one of the survival mechanisms, but it may not be formed, suppressed or destroyed.

The baby was born. It’s good if the maximum conditions for your immediate reunion were created in the maternity home. But anything can happen, and there are all sorts of reasons why mother and child may be separated in the first days after meeting. And during pregnancy, women realize their readiness for motherhood in different ways. The ability to feel and predict is formed gradually, it takes hours and days.

Maternal bonding (from English word bond - “connection, bonds”) is part of universal human relations, although it is a special part. Unlike the connection with the father, the connection between mother and child is also physiological in nature. There are hundreds of different factors that influence the formation of this connection.

We know that between two loving people, even if they are not relatives, an invisible psychological connection is established over time, allowing one to predict thoughts, moods, feel the subtlest changes in relationships, and feel almost someone else’s pain. What can we say about a mother and child, whose connection is maintained by nature at the hormonal level. The release of the hormone oxytocin, which especially increases in women during breastfeeding, helps to establish such a connection in the best possible way. But for mothers who have experienced a traumatic birth or do not breastfeed, this path, although difficult, is not at all closed.

Listen and you will hear.

The best way to set up your own “line of communication” is to eliminate both excessive control and indifferent laxity from your life with your baby. There is no need to make the child something like your diary, and his daily routine - a way to organize own life. Coordination of your rhythms does not tolerate fuss. Excessive worry, anxiety and wondering about “what am I doing wrong”, especially if you consciously cultivate them in yourself, is the first manifestation of your still imaginary irresponsibility. After all, with this unnecessary emotional noise you are drowning out the instinctive and intuitive impulses that your body - the mother's body - gives you.

Yes, the child is new to this world. But your child is not the first person on earth. So don't worry - he is provided by nature with enough ways to let him know what he needs at this particular moment in his life. The main thing is that there is someone to “listen” to him.

The baby addresses all his messages to his mother. And she can tune in to her child, calmly listening to his breathing when he sleeps next to him, holding him in her arms while rocking, calmly and attentively attending to the child’s natural needs, not “spying”, but also not ignoring his slightest movements. Mom learns, often almost on a subconscious level, by external, subtle signs of anxiety, by some internal clock common to both, to detect when the baby needs to “a-a” or “pee-pee.” Learns to distinguish crying from pain or hunger, dissatisfied whimpering from boredom.

Trust yourself and your child.

Various materials that we can glean from the literature on child care, from personal experience other mothers are very important. Take recommendations with confidence (if they are worthy), but also with a healthy dose of criticism. Which is appropriate, if only because the experience of each mother and child not only has common characteristics (otherwise, what’s the point of generalizing and discussing something, drawing conclusions!), but also individual traits. And it is these “details,” barely noticeable to an outsider, but obvious to a sensitive mother, that make your relationship with own child unique.

Rejoice and seek peace among your worries. Then you will be able to clearly hear the very voice of maternal and childish affection for each other, which over time will not be drowned out by any storms of life.

Hello, dear readers! The bond between mother and child is an invisible thread that tightly connects their hearts throughout their lives. Wherever the baby is, the mother is always mentally with him, she prays for his health, her heart is filled with love and life has great meaning. This connection has no boundaries and cannot be destroyed.

Psychological connection

Having become a mother, from the very first days you will feel this irresistible craving for a tiny creature. What about the child? He, in turn, demands your presence every second, he still does not understand much, but nature has endowed the cub with instincts that are triggered for almost any reason. He may be scared, he may be in pain and cold, he may be bored, and he loudly demands the presence of his mother.

None loving mother unable to ignore, although such frequent demands for her presence can anger and irritate. However, it is not for nothing that nature endowed the baby with the ability to cry loudly. Already in the maternity hospital, you can easily identify the cry of your child, even if you are in separate rooms, and in life, the call for help for the child will always be heard by his mother.

Does your baby often ask to be held? This is not a whim, this is a normal physiological need. Many mothers are tired in their hands due to housework and child care. The phrase “you don’t need to accustom your child to your hands” is heard more and more often, and yet in some tribes in Africa, women do not let their children go from their hands from birth until about three years of age. They don’t even have the idea of ​​leaving the child and going about their business. This has a huge advantage: the child is always under supervision, he is calm next to his mother, he does not cry. By tying someone to yourself with a scarf, you can do a lot of housework.

In addition, researchers have found that children growing up in their mother’s arms or in a sling are much smarter and more developed than their peers, who were often left alone in the crib in infancy. Being always with his mother, the baby remembers what his mother does and learns the same. In general, if pregnancy in humans lasted, for example, like that of elephants for two years, then perhaps there would be no need to carry the child to term in arms, he would get up in a couple of hours and follow his mother, however, even after A baby elephant up to the age of five requires careful supervision, and what can we say about human cubs, who are so unadapted to life after birth.

The cub perceives it very painfully if separated from its mother before the age of three. The same invisible connection between mother and child will firmly connect them, and being separated, both will experience anxiety and excitement. The woman will feel guilty before the child, and he will feel defenseless, weak and very lonely.

It is unknown how separation will turn out in the future, some children withdraw into themselves, others become nervous and irritable, and some may develop health problems, lack of appetite, restless sleep with frequent waking up, crying for no reason. Never leave your child with unfamiliar people; before sending him to a nursery or kindergarten, go through all the stages of preparation for preschool institutions. Read about it.

Try not to part with your baby up to a year old, thereby you will build a base of mutual understanding and trust, you will not deprive yourself of the most wonderful time when he says the cherished “Aha”, or when one day you will be able to see him sitting independently in the crib, and his first steps when they are so unstable and the support of their beloved mother is required. All these wonderful moments exist only once and cannot be experienced again...

What else does the close connection between mother and child lead to?

How often do you have to get up at night to calm your baby down, rock him if he’s crying, or cover him up if the room is cold? You don’t get enough sleep, your child’s routine is disrupted. And this happens to those who rush early to separate their child from themselves and try to teach him to sleep in his own crib.

Children up to a certain age have a physiological need to sleep next to their mother. And this is provided for by the same nature. If in ancient times mothers slept separately from their children, they would have frozen in a cold cave, and the human race would have ended its existence long ago.

Another animal example, have you ever seen a dog or cat sleep separately from its babies? The period when a baby needs to sleep with its mother is different for everyone. Some people need a year or two, while others need six months, or even less. If you want to teach your baby to sleep separately as quickly as possible and without unpleasant consequences, then read about this in the article, in more detail.

Dear mommies, enjoy the time when your baby especially needs you, take care of these wonderful moments and give him care, attention and love. Very little time will pass when he will completely separate from you and live his own personal life, but the connection between you will be strong, and the relationship will be warm and trusting.

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Emotional connection between mother and child

Psychologists and psychiatrists have identified the presence of another significant factor - the quality of the emotional connection that exists between mother and child. The love with which she bears the child; thoughts associated with its appearance; the wealth of communication that the mother shares with him influences the developing psyche of the fetus.

From the end of the third month, the fetal finger often ends up in the mouth. The cause of thumb sucking may be the mother's prolonged sad or anxious state. Joy, excitement, fear or anxiety affect the rhythm of her heartbeat, blood circulation and metabolism: when the mother is happy, the blood carries the joy hormones endorphins, when she is sad or anxious, the stress hormones catecholamines. The child also experiences corresponding sensations (safety or danger). The little embryo, of course, still unconsciously perceives these signals, but with his whole being he already feels how he is treated; with joy or anxiety, calm or fear. The attitude of the mother, the place that the baby occupies in her heart, directly affects his growth, development, and sense of his place in the world. Moreover, external stress factors do not directly affect the baby; only the mother, passing them through herself, allows or not their impact on the child. Strong emotions of a pregnant woman do not harm the child at all; on the contrary, hormonal changes and the diversity of the mother’s inner life have a beneficial effect on the development of the baby. It is worse if the mother is in the grip of negative experiences for a long time and cannot or does not want to free herself from them.

A survey of five hundred women showed that almost one third of them had never thought about carrying a child. The children they produced were more likely to have nervous disorders. At an early age, such children cried a lot more. They also experienced certain difficulties in the process of adapting to others and to life.

Thus, mothers paid for not knowing the fact that the breeding ground for development is their own feelings and thoughts, and the need for love arises even before birth.

In July 1983, Dr. Verney, a psychiatrist from Toronto, organized the First American Congress on Pre- and Perinatal Education, which was attended by many specialists from European countries and Canada. A number of interesting reports have been made about adults whose suffering was caused by information stored in the subconscious about events that took place with the mother during pregnancy.

Conscious positive attitude to the fetus during pregnancy is necessary for the formation of a healthy psyche of the child.

Emotions and the space surrounding a person are characterized by a very close relationship. Unhappiness and mental pain cause feelings of heart compression and lack of air. Such negative emotions, like fear, jealousy, anger, lead to a feeling of heaviness, poor health and enslavement. Joy gives the mother a feeling of mental comfort, which has a positive effect on the child.

Music, poetry, singing, art, nature help to achieve this state.

During pregnancy you were inseparable. And although now you are two separate people, it is difficult for you to be separated. Pregnancy is a magical period. You carry under your heart a second person who breathes your air, eats your food, whom you protect, whom you care about. You are together 24 hours a day and even though there are two of you, you function as one organism. Childbirth divides you. But for many months you live as if the umbilical cord had never been cut. The closeness between mother and child is unusual - an inextricable bond unites you. And yet, for the good of the child, you must slowly, gently, but decisively separate him from you so that he moves to conquer the world. You know this perfectly, so why is it so difficult?

Two bodies, one soul

After childbirth, it is difficult for both mother and child to get used to the new situation. Some women feel empty, deprived of something extraordinarily essential. The mother, although the baby is already lying in a separate crib, instead of swimming in its fruit water, subsequently feels an inextricable connection with him. The child feels the same. A baby up to 5 months thinks that he and his mother are one whole. And only at about 8 months does he realize that his mother is separated from him. In this regard, he begins to be afraid - because since the mother is separate, when she leaves without him, she may disappear forever. The baby does not yet know how to keep his mother’s paintings, and therefore, around 7-8 months, babies react sharply to separation. They don’t see their mothers, which is where despair comes from. The so-called fear of separation appears.

Further development inclines the child to explore the environment, but in the future he feels safer when his mother is in sight. Only a two-year-old knows how to remain without his mother and not feel the fear that she will never return. The child, along with the passage of time, copes with everything. And mom?

You've probably noticed that you often wake up a minute before your baby starts crying. Before he reaches out for the bottle, you hand it to him. Before you want to eat, you will feed. It’s no wonder that you understand the baby so well. You feel that no one understands your child like you and no one will satisfy his needs as well. You must be near your treasure all the time. And every day it moves away from you in order to get acquainted with the world.

To meet the world

Even though you love your baby madly, you adore being with him and you understand his needs perfectly, you must allow him to be without you. It may be hard to understand, but by allowing him to be independent and encouraging him to explore the world, you show him love. After all, you want to raise your child as an independent, brave, open person, right? If so, try:

show the child that not only you are good and safe. Try to leave the child for several hours with dad, grandmother, or beloved aunt. The baby will make sure that it is also good with them, learn new games, learn to communicate with someone else.

You would be willing to bend the sky for him, but remember that nothing influences a baby as well as clearly defined rules of the game. He does not know what is possible, what is not, how he should behave, what the world expects from him. The baby needs you to tell him this. You are not doing any harm to your child by prohibiting him from sticking his fingers into a socket or putting any garbage in his mouth. With you, your child has a chance to learn how to cope with everything.

Remember! Just because you no longer carry a baby under your heart does not mean that you will stop being the most important thing to him. After all, you are his mother.