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Overprotection of a child: causes, consequences, advice to parents. How does overprotection manifest itself? What causes it and what are the consequences. What should children do? Advice for parents.
Caring for children is normal behavior on the part of parents. But more and more often there are situations when parents, for one reason or another, are too protective of their children. Without giving them freedom and independence in making this or that decision. The other side of the coin is also dangerous - the lack of attention from the older generation. One way or another, neither overprotection nor its absence is desirable for children. You can learn how parents can avoid going overboard from the article.
What does overprotection mean?
- Some parents cross the line in raising and caring for their children. By exercising excessive guardianship, they themselves do not understand that they are disrupting the child’s natural development process and blocking his opportunity to gain experience. Signs that overprotectiveness may interfere with the growth and development of children, the following indicators may serve:
- There are times when parents try to stand up for their children, literally depriving them of the opportunity to independently learn to stand up for themselves. Thus, when coming to school to talk with the offender, parents do not think about the child’s future reputation as a “mama’s boy” and the like, which may further negatively affect the overall formation of development.
- This picture often occurs. If a child falls, then parents or grandparents, instead of actually helping the child, often try to smooth out the conflict by rewarding them in the form of sweets and toys. In this case, the child may develop social dependence and too high a level of self-esteem, and with the help of such tricks he may try to manipulate adults in his favor.
- It is often the case that a child who has already reached a fairly adult level cannot even be in different rooms with his parents. Parents control every step of the child, not realizing that they are ruining his psychological development.
- Another mistake parents make is limiting their child. Children are quite freedom-loving creatures and any restriction leaves a negative imprint on their psyche. Often such children grow up to be rebels and representatives of a certain culture, as if in protest of restrictions and social norms.
- The carrot and stick method in raising children is only useful if used in the right way. When there is totalitarian control of a mother over her daughter, and a father over his son, any way out is beyond family traditions which such parents establish leads the child to sometimes cruel punishment.
- Often parents focus their child's attention on only one area of life. Finding a job, studying, and so on. And if the child does not correspond to their fictitious ideals or is below the level of the children of family friends, then the parents begin to psychologically put pressure on the child, and the child, in turn, develops perfectionism over time, which interferes with general formation child's personality.
Why does overprotection appear?
Hyperprotection does not appear on empty space. The reasons can be a variety of factors, but knowing some of them can reveal the pattern in time and prevent negative influence the behavior of such parents on the life of the child.
One of the most common reasons is the parents' reluctance to be left alone. In other words, than older child, the more the parents are afraid that he will leave them. Research shows that the fear of loneliness in old age haunts more elderly parents.
Some parents are too suspicious. They are not able to trust their child, and, as a result, they themselves can slow down the process of his overall development. For example, not letting one go to school, not allowing certain things to be done without logical reasons, and so on.
Often behind the total control of parents over their children lies the banal desire of parents to assert themselves at the expense of their child. For example, too high demands on a child, misunderstanding, lack of faith in his strength, all this may indicate an attempt at psychological control on the part of the adult generation and reluctance to accept the child for who he is.
Sometimes the reason for excessive guardianship is the jealousy of parents and reluctance to let the child go into adulthood. This behavior often occurs when parents do not accept the other half of their child, considering the union not strong enough, immoral, and so on.
Consequences of overprotection
If parents still do not want to let their adult children go, they risk ruining their child’s life. Such excessive guardianship can affect the child in the following ways:
What to do for children
Children who have realized that overprotection was or is present in the family can act as follows:
- Children can come to terms with this condition of existence, but when their parents are gone, their way of life will be completely disrupted and for them, an alien world and independent life can become a real tragedy.
- Often children rebel against their parents and established norms, which in this case can also be taken as normal behavior.
- Sometimes adult children choose a middle method between the first and second. They simply do not tell their parents about their plans, but act independently, overcoming their fears themselves and going beyond the usual boundaries of comfort. This method is the most convenient and will allow parents to understand without scandal that the child is no longer a child, but an adult and mature personality with his own values and beliefs.
In any case, it is worth remembering that in child custody you need to be able to find a middle ground, otherwise there is a risk of ruining the life not only of yourself, but also of your child.
Why do adult children sometimes suffer from overprotective parents?
Did you have breakfast today? - my mother calls me, often starting the conversation not with a greeting. This is followed by questions about whether the “child” is dressed warmly and whether she has forgotten her umbrella. And everything would be fine, but this “child” hasn’t been going to kindergarten for a long time, and even school is behind him, and The questions are the same as for a five-year-old baby. Children grow at an incredible speed, and if parental care helps in childhood, then in adulthood, in response to some of mother’s and father’s attempts to “educate”, it happens that you get offended. Parents are not in debt and attempts by adult children to behave like adults are also taken as a personal insult.
He, she and... mom
Nastya and Vadik had a fun life together. After all the third member of the family was my mother Vadika. Mom lived in her own apartment, but this woman is so active that it seems as if she is always nearby.
It all started, as Nastya says, a few years ago, when she first met Vadik:
About the third month into our relationship, I received a dress as a gift from his mother. She did not give it personally, but passed it on through her son. The item was expensive and suited me very well, so I liked the gift. And I wore it with pleasure until I came to meet Natalya Vasilyevna. She smiled and said that she liked me, and there was no need to worry. She bought me a dress then, because she was afraid that her son’s bride would not know how to dress with taste, and that such a daughter-in-law would not be shown to decent people. And so - everything is in order.
Natalya Vasilievna could unexpectedly come to your son on a weekend morning with a whole bag of marinated kebabs and get everyone out into nature. And try to refuse: “ Children, your mother is asking you!" She always criticizes the clothes that Nastya buys for her husband. But the last straw was reaction to daughter-in-law's pregnancy:
Why didn't you consult me? I wouldn't recommend you give birth. Don't you see what a crisis is in the country now?
Such a remark his own son could not stand it and politely asked his mother to interfere a little less in his and Nastya’s family affairs. Natalya Vasilievna was offended and stopped coming at all... Little Timofey is already slowly learning to sit, and his grandmother only recently saw him for the first time.
Fairy tales for parents
Are you going to drink wine there? - the parents sternly asked my friend Nadya when she was spinning in front of the mirror in evening dress red, going to friend's wedding. Nadya, I must say, is in her early twenties. And she is even allowed alcohol by law.
“I just don’t understand what things need to be said to my mom and dad so that they loosen their control at least a little,” the girl sometimes becomes indignant. - I almost perfect daughter: night walks and difficult transitions did not bother them, at the university they are one of the best, I try to come to them as often as possible. What's the matter?
Nadya lives and studies in another city, but this does not save her from almost hourly calls with questions, where the daughter is now, where she is going and how much money she plans to spend. When there is a showdown and the daughter’s attempt to defend her “autonomy,” parents explain the desire to control concern for the girl's well-being, and every now and then they throw out phrases that “ As long as you live on our money, you must obey" And also - when it doesn’t turn out the way they want, they start reproaching their daughter and saying, that with her behavior she will soon completely deprive them of their health.
Cutting ties with your parents, finding a job and moving to live with your loved one - such thoughts are now increasingly spinning in Nadya’s head:
Mom and Dad love me very much, I know this, but to believe that for me at twenty-two years old the phrase “ parents don't allow", friends and acquaintances stubbornly refuse. Someone is offended, and someone laughs at me.
It is impossible and impossible for mom and dad to be as aware of your life as they knew it when you still weighed fifteen kilograms. Nadya made this conclusion for herself. And for now he is trying to stick to it. And more and more stories are being invented about how she spent the day and how she lives.
Forty year old child
Opposite the windows of one of the apartments where I had to live, there was a balcony of rather strange neighbors. In the cold season, it was covered with thick dark curtains and, apparently, insulated as much as possible. When the first fine days came, a small, nimble old woman appeared on the balcony. She took down the curtains and put out the flowers.
In the summer it became quite warm outside. The balcony was opened, and from there one could hear:
Vale-raa! Go eat!
Or something like:
Stop sitting in front of the TV! You'll ruin your eyes.
At first it seemed to me that the old lady was being “given up” for the summer. little naughty grandson, who is only being watched so that he doesn’t do anything, until one day he went out onto the balcony man about forty-five, somehow strange, a little slow, and began to water the geranium.
Mother! Is half a watering can enough for a large pot?
Valera! I already said: I kiss the lei!
This is how it became clear that Valera is a very adult son who lives with his elderly mother.
A friend of my landlady just lived in the same building as them. As it turned out, Valery is with his mother - only son. And it was like that all my life. His father died about thirty years ago. So it turned out that only Valery was left with his mother, who chose his profession on her recommendation and only dated girls that his mother liked. As a result, I experienced all the benefits of the life of an “eternal child.”
I laughed at Valera only once. When he was smoking on the balcony, and hearing a voice from the room, like a schoolboy, he threw the burning cigarette down. In all other cases, the situation did not seem funny at all.
Anna GARUSTOVICH.
Very often, parents, trying to surround their child with care and attention, making a big mistake.
They completely control the baby, preventing any manifestation.
What to do if the child does not listen? Find out about this from ours.
What is it: synonyms and antonyms of the concept
Overprotection- this is a model parental behavior, in which the child is subject to total control.
Adults surround their child with increased care and attention, protecting him not only from dangers, but also from real life in all its manifestations.
Scientifically called overprotection "hyperprotection". The term denotes overprotection and excessive patronage, which has a detrimental effect on the object of overprotection.
Oversight() is the opposite concept of overprotection. And if the lack of basic attention and control is more common in dysfunctional families, then hyperprotection is characteristic of prosperous and even “successful” families.
Reasons and psychology
Overprotection is the result of increased levels of anxiety in parents. Subsequently, anxiety is transmitted to children, who mirror the psychological problems of their parents.
Women are more prone to overprotection, than men. However, there are cases of total control on the part of each parent (especially if there is only one child in the family, long-awaited child, there was precedent for child death or injury).
Reasons for overprotection:
- (a constant feeling of impending disaster and a rich imagination, reproducing pictures of a fall, a child’s illness, etc.);
- (the desire to be ideal in the role of parents and to raise the most flexible, intelligent and honest child through complete control of the child’s life and actions);
- self-realization through a child(when a parent cannot implement his ideas and realize his personal potential, the only available “sphere of creativity” is the child and him);
- guilt(the parent does not feel true love for his child and tries to compensate or atone for this with total guardianship and care);
- inability to adapt(the baby is growing, but the parents still perceive him as defenseless and requiring absolute parental care creature);
- problems in personal life(if an adult does not have friends and a partner on whom he can project his love and tenderness, the only object for adoration and care becomes a child who receives a “killer dose” of attention).
How and in what ways does overprotection manifest itself?
Mother over son
Abnormal mothers, whose overprotectiveness extends to their sons, tend to limit the healthy activity of the child, prohibiting them from doing household chores from the “female” category.
They believe that cooking, cleaning and doing laundry is not a man’s job.
Therefore the son is completely freed from domestic work.
As a result, the child self-care skills are not developed and basic provision of decent living conditions.
Mother is also too actively interferes in personal life son, criticizes or approves of his girls (and sometimes she even tries to find a worthy companion for the child), tries to influence his choice.
Moms over daughter
Hyperprotection over the daughter is manifested in the desire to extend the period of “innocence” of the child in all senses of this concept.
The girl is being restrained not allowing her to do things that are normal for her age(going on dates, children's discos, birthday parties, long walks, evening sports and creative classes, etc.).
At the same time, the mother can indulge her daughter’s “feminine” qualities by buying her dolls, clothes, cosmetics and other things upon request.
Grandmothers
Grandmothers who are overprotective tend to criticize the behavior of their adult children.
They scold them for showing independence, identify behavioral errors and try to correct everything.
This is especially noticeable during contact between grandmother and grandchildren. The grandmother begins to change the child’s clothes, scolding the son or daughter who dressed the baby too lightly, prepares him “normal” food, washes handkerchiefs “correctly”, etc.
Parents over adult children
Parents who have raised a child sometimes cannot come to terms with the idea that the child is really ready for independent life. Therefore mom/dad begin to interfere in all areas of the child’s life.
And since control over an adult child is partially lost even in the case of hyperprotection (especially if the son/daughter lives separately), the desire of parents to participate in the choice of “fateful decisions” for the child intensifies.
Advice about work, studying at the institute, friends and significant other or must be strictly followed, or manipulations will be used.
Mother-in-law
Hyperprotection on the part of the mother-in-law is complicated by the fact that rights to care for a grown child have to be shared with his wife.
This gives rise to a feeling of jealousy, attempts to eliminate competition, resentment, manipulation and other attributes of confrontation.
Son at the same time receives a huge dose of care, because the mother wants to prove that only she can provide her child with a decent existence.
Overprotection is very clearly shown in the work “The Minor,” where you can track not only the signs, but also the consequences of this phenomenon.
Varieties
There are two types of overprotection, as a result of which children opposite characters are formed.
Both types are equally destructive for the child and his independence, but at the same time they form different psychological attitudes and character traits.
Conniving
Parents adore their child and elevate him to the status of an idol.
Such children grow up white-handed, as adults exclude them from any work.
Mom and Dad actively convince the baby of his exclusivity, admire beauty and talents.
Any whims of the baby are instantly satisfied. Parents do not hesitate to involve relatives and friends in this, demanding from them worship and adoration for the child.
As a result, the object of hyperprotection inflated self-esteem is formed, false ideas about their talents, the need for universal recognition and dependence on people who will serve both basic needs and whims.
There is absolutely no adequate feedback from the child regarding emerging problems, and if the child was unsuccessful in anything, his caring parents blame the whole world for this, but not their own child.
Dominant
child deprived of the right to their own opinion and will. Any decisions are made for him (from buying ice cream in a store to choosing a husband/wife). And if pandering hyperprotection is about the momentary fulfillment of whims, then dominant overprotection is about the impossibility of realizing these whims.
A child is a doll in the hands of his parents and his desires, interests, and needs are simply ignored, considering it childish stupidity and lack of consciousness.
The child is not praised so that prepare for harsh reality.
But at the same time, he is not allowed to make his own decisions, because only parents know what experiences the baby simply needs to go through, and what experiences are too early to experience.
What it leads to: consequences
What is the danger of overprotection as a type of child rearing? Very often mother's overprotection harmful to the child, inhibits his development.
Overprotection leads to the fact that the ability to independently solve emerging problems simply atrophies.
The object of excessive care gets so used to the fact that other “comfort providers” always make choices for him, that he cannot make decisions and analyze the situation.
In addition to lack of independence, hyperprotection provokes other development distortions. Mother protects child from physical activity and sports, for fear of injury. As a result, the baby spends his childhood in front of the computer, developing scoliosis and excess weight.
Parents also take pity on a child who is tired at school, solving math problems for him and reading works out loud for retelling.
As a result, baby counts and reads worse than everyone in the class.
And at the same time, adults stubbornly insist that other children simply cannot boast of anything else, or that teachers are unreasonably kind/pity towards them. Those. the student also develops inflated self-image.
The opposite situation is excessive demands on the child and the desire to turn him into an ideal and flexible baby. Parents' perfectionism influences destructive impact on a child's emotional health.
So girls who have no talent for dancing are sent to ballet schools. Naturally, parents make excessive demands on them, but the little ones, due to their physical characteristics, cannot meet them. Hence the pressure, constant stress, overwork and health problems.
Complications
Complications begin to manifest themselves mainly in adolescence and adulthood in the form of affective disorders, neuroses, problems with social adaptation, inability to establish relationships with others, lack of independence, uncertainty and avoidance of choice.
At later stages of personality development, a teenager develops a personality disorder that leads to protest, scandals, attempts to run away from home, etc.
Correction of overprotection must start with the parents.
Several effective methods are used for this:
- Consultation with a psychologist(parents are told about the types of upbringing and how each of these types affects the child and his development).
- (a specialist works with parents, eliminating uncertainty, anxiety, negative attitudes and other conditions that provoke increased attention and care towards the child).
- Family therapy(a specialist “takes” the child and parents beyond the usual model of interaction with the help of various trainings, exercises and techniques in order to develop a new relationship strategy).
Very important so that the parent understands the problem and is ready to work with it. Otherwise, correction of overprotection will be ineffective and the only effective method The fight against obsessive care will be to create a barrier between the child and mom/dad.
And this is only possible if the children have already grown up and have the opportunity to protect themselves from the constant attention of relatives.
Overprotection is always a painful form of love. Even if it is covered with good intentions, its action has destructive consequences. Therefore, it is important to give the child the opportunity to gain the necessary life experience, make mistakes and make difficult decisions.
Consequences of overprotection in childhood:
Every mother worries about her child. But quite often this anxiety develops into obsessive guardianship, which interferes with normal development. This problem concerns mothers of boys most of all, since little men must grow up and become independent, responsible and purposeful individuals. Mothers, showing excessive guardianship, performing all the basic tasks for their sons and controlling them every step, deprive their children of the opportunity to become full-fledged individuals who adult life would be able to take care of themselves and their family, as a real man should.
How does overprotection affect the formation of character traits?
By taking care of a child, a woman not only drives him into strict boundaries and does not allow him to develop comprehensively, but also deprives herself of the opportunity to live full life, enjoy all its colors, enjoy the achievements of your own son. Mother hens, because of their boundless love and devotion to their own child, in most cases simply do not understand that with such behavior and treatment of their sons they are doing them a disservice, not allowing them to find themselves and their place in this life.
The children of such mothers often grow up as complex, irresponsible, helpless people, who then rush around all their lives in search of their calling, they are constantly tormented by the need to choose between “need” and “want”, since they have not learned to combine business with pleasure. “Mama’s boys” often cannot decide on the choice of a life partner; they always doubt the correctness of their decisions, avoid responsibility and very often shift their problems and concerns onto other people.
How to properly build a relationship with a child?
It’s not for nothing that they say that the lazier the mother, the more independent child at her place. By doing all the work for the boy, the mother does not give him the opportunity to learn something on his own.
Note to moms!
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One of the common mistakes mothers make is to criticize the child’s unsatisfactory behavior while when it is necessary not to criticize, but to point on the right path, that is, explain how to act in a given situation. This will allow the child to understand that independence, help and understanding are expected from him, and not just scolded for his bad behavior. You can’t scold your child for the mess and scattered toys in his room, and then take the vacuum cleaner yourself and clean up. The right decision would be if, after expressing your dissatisfaction, you calmly ask the child to clean the nursery himself. And it doesn’t matter at all if it doesn’t work out perfectly or not the way you wanted, next time it will still be better. By cleaning up after himself, the child begins to realize that he is obliged to do this, that this is also work and must be respected. After such a lesson, he is unlikely to want to scatter toys around the room again.
When a boy reaches a more conscious age, he will begin to notice some differences between himself and independent peers. He will be confused by many little things that his friends cope with with incredible ease, but for him this is a whole science. This circumstance will greatly distinguish him from other children, and the boy will feel inferior.
Adult problems come from childhood
All adult life is literally built on risks. Independent adults take daily large number decisions on which their lives depend. When solving any problems, we all take risks, but most of us are confident in a favorable outcome of the situation. Men who were overprotected in childhood are often unable to make serious decisions and take responsibility not only for their loved ones, but also for themselves. It is quite difficult for them to decide on a profession, since they will always be faced with a dilemma - money or pleasure. Dearly beloved sons, even in adulthood, shift all their worries, and even raising their children, to their mothers, who accept active participation in their personal lives and beyond. Mother hens live their child’s life with excessive care and attention, although they should enjoy their own. By depriving themselves of their personal life, such mothers deprive their children of the opportunity to become happy.
Basic complexes of overprotected children
The biggest complex that overprotected boys have is low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. These qualities do not provide the opportunity to grow in a moral sense, to develop, to become a person, an individual. To avoid such participation of your sons, you should not “cut off their oxygen” and force them into strict boundaries. Give them more freedom, communicate with them like adults. And be sure that they understand you perfectly.
READ ALSO: How not to raise a mama's boy -
Mama's boy
