To be honest, I don’t even know why I’m writing to you. Maybe this is a cry of despair, maybe an attempt to understand for myself, to see from the outside. Don't know. Or maybe it’s the hope that they will give me the key to how to get out. My problem has roots in deep childhood. To call my relationship with my mother difficult is to say nothing; it is painful and painful for both of us. I don't know how to describe it, it's hard for me to do it. The only thing I was able to do was write her a letter, which she will never read, because I will not give it to her, it is, rather, an attempt to free myself from the oppressive state of my soul.
Letter to mom.
I have a lot to talk about, or rather I shouldn’t, but I want to. I want to finally reach your soul. And at the same time I am afraid, and my hands give up. I know that this is impossible, you will never understand or feel me. Yes, you probably love me, probably, because financial assistance is by no means a guarantee of love - it is just an inner urge to compensate me for what your heart cannot give me. I used to try to force myself to forgive you. After all, I love you, no matter what you are, but now I understand that I can’t. Later I learned to forget, to simply erase from my memory everything that happened to me. I mastered this ability so skillfully that now I don’t remember anything. I can easily wrap very, very rare pictures from the past in black paper and hide them from my own consciousness. This, of course, does not solve the problem, but at least it relieves pain and fear. You don’t want to believe it, but this is how I fear you and love you at the same time. I have a lot to say, but is it worth it?
You can’t even imagine how much jealousy I experienced in my childhood, how unbearably scary it was to go home with a bad mark in the diary, how my heart sank when, having started playing, I suddenly heard the key turning in the door, but I didn’t vacuum. With what horror I went home if I was late. And your face, twisted with anger, at that moment when the belt painfully whipped your body, and all these terrible words. I remember almost all the phrases you said, I cannot erase them, no matter how hard I try. And the further it goes, the more painful it is for me to live with this, because little has changed since then. You stopped hitting me, and I don't need to be afraid that I didn't vacuum, but... words. The words remain, you still torment me with them, endlessly comparing and reproaching, endlessly reminding me that I am a terrible person and a bad daughter. You expect affection and warmth from me, but you don’t even think about the fact that you yourself once built a wall between us, over which I am unable to get over. And I really miss you, you the way you were with your brother.
It's very painful to watch how important person in my life, with unbridled tenderness, with overflowing love, he kisses his brother and indifferently throws praise “well done” to me as he walks, as if he is ashamed. Only once did I try to break through, and you turned away and pushed me away. Since then I have given up hope. But it still hurts. There is so much I want to say and I struggle so desperately with myself for fear of hearing even more hurtful words in response.
I am an adult woman, I have been a mother myself for a long time. And now it hurts me even more, because the last excuses for your behavior have been lost. I could justify you with fatigue and a tough character, now I know that this is not an excuse. This is a vicious circle from which I have never found a way out. Now I want to hide from you, from your dissatisfied face, from your reproaches and from your shame for me. And at the same time, all this is now mine: my dissatisfied face, my reproaches and my shame for myself. This is very difficult to live with, unbearable and painful.
I understand that this is not enough to understand what is happening, but I can’t describe it any other way, maybe because once again we had a fight and she has been ignoring me for more than two months, and I understand that the further it goes, the less I want to make contact myself . When communicating with her, I constantly feel a sense of guilt and my own inadequacy. Returning home from her, I feel completely destroyed. Many problems in my life are associated with constant tension in my relationship with my mother. She puts pressure on me, I resist, and as a result everything goes awry. And I don't know how to live with this. I live, of course, I try to be better, wiser, but inside there is a little girl and she is in pain. And with every quarrel it becomes more painful and indifferent.
Psychologist's comment:
There are several things that caught my attention in your letter that reflect a fairly mature psychological approach to how you are trying to cope with the difficult situation in which you find yourself.
For example, you say that there is a little girl sitting inside who is in pain and bad. I don’t know if you’ve read something on this topic or just spontaneously described your condition this way, but in psychology, a person’s inner world is often divided into parts, or subpersonalities, and one of the most basic is this Inner Child. It represents the totality of all childhood experiences, that is, emotions, experiences, impressions from childhood, and if a person has accumulated a lot of pain, then they say that his Inner Child is sad, and throughout life a person often experiences feelings such as sadness, anxiety , hopelessness. And in moments when a person rejoices, shows his desires and emotions, spontaneity, creativity - this is the positive side of the Inner Child.
Then you say that you have mastered the ability to forget about pain, to wrap experiences in black paper so that they disappear from memory. In psychology, this process is called repression. Our waking consciousness is only a part of the psyche, and besides it we also have a huge unconscious part. Repression is a defense mechanism because a person cannot function while constantly in a state of pain. Therefore, memories and images associated with pain are removed from consciousness. Usually this process occurs outside of awareness, but you talk about it as if you are doing it intentionally. And that's good - if you can control repression, maybe you can control return.
The fact is that if you repress a memory from your memory, this does not mean at all that it no longer exists. It has become part of your unconscious. And everything that we are not aware of begins to control our lives. It will announce itself through emotional problems, physical illnesses, unexpected reactions to something for ourselves, slips of the tongue, mistakes, difficulty concentrating and many different other manifestations. In a word, forgetting is deceiving yourself that the problem has been solved. It has not been resolved, but postponed. And it will constantly knock on our psyche so that we remember it and solve it.
In writing, by putting your feelings into words, you no longer repress them. On the contrary, you take them out and take them outside. It may seem pointless, but the fact is that in this letter it is not the purpose that is important, but the process itself. By throwing out your feelings, you are to some extent freed from them. By deciding to write a letter, you refuse to behave as you have behaved all your life - endure, remain silent, forget your pain. You try something new. And this already has a lot of benefits.
You yourself understand that that mother’s voice, which you often heard in childhood, now lives inside and continues to make you feel shame, guilt, a feeling of inferiority, even when your mother is not around. You haven't yet found a way to deal with this voice, but you have at least realized that it is identical to your mother's voice, which means that it is not originally your own. Once upon a time it was introduced, “embedded” into your psyche, and this means that there was once a time when it was not there. You were not born with it, and in principle it is not yours. But how to silence him and where to find another voice - these are more complex questions.
Of course, your case is very difficult, and it is unlikely that anyone can cope with so much pain and humiliation without outside help. That's what psychotherapists are for. In your letter, you can clearly hear the unsatisfied need for love, and also for warmth and acceptance. These are the most important and basic needs of both the child and the adult. And fate turned out that in childhood, the main person who took care of you - your mother - did not satisfy this need. There were reasons for this, but for us they are not important now. It is important to understand that it was wrong, to see that the girl was actually innocent and she is good. She deserves love, even if there is no one nearby who could give it to her.
The mistake that every person must discover in the process of growing up and finding themselves is that it seems to us that mother is the only source of love for us in the whole world. And if this source is empty or, even worse, instead of water there is poison or prickly needles - the person turns out to be very confused and disappointed. He doesn’t understand how to even live in this world? This issue is resolved through expanding the picture of the world and realizing that the mother is not the source of love, but only its conductor. The Source is behind her, it is great and exists for everyone, it is Spirit, or God, call it what you want. And the conductor can be pure, which lets love through itself like light, or it can be polluted or blocked. But if the guide does not guide, this does not mean that there is no love. It is important to understand that love is your right. This love is diffused in the space around you, and you need to learn to find it and absorb it through other vehicles. This can happen through communication with friends, with animals, with other relatives, with psychologists, with nature, with art and much more. And in this process, you develop the ability to experience love, acceptance and warmth for yourself, for that girl who lives inside and is waiting for them.
You are absolutely correct in noticing that trying to simply forgive your mother is impossible and useless. Working through relationships with a maternal figure is a complex, multi-stage process that requires months and sometimes years of systematic work. First, a person needs to experience the state in which he is loved and gain some support. Then you need to face painful childhood experiences with a new resource. This experience needs to be rethought from the point of view of the injustice of applying such an attitude to a child and to experience the rising feelings of indignation, protest, indignation and anger. All these experiences need to be realized, that is, taken out and lived. It may feel like too much at first, but the therapist will guide you and provide opportunities to face these feelings. When protest and anger exhaust themselves, a lot of sadness and sadness awakens in a person towards a child who did not receive a lot, who endured a lot of pain and who did not have any support. All this needs to be mourned. Experiencing this as loss and grief is a very important part of the work and should be given as much time as necessary.
And only then can we begin to try to understand why my mother behaved so immaturely and cruelly, through an analysis of my mother’s biography and her own childhood, all the hardships that she had to endure. After all, you don’t become a bad mother by choice. The lack of ability to love one's own child stems from the presence large quantity unresolved psychological problems in the mother herself.
This sad phenomenon, when a boy in a family is loved and cherished more than a girl, also has its reasons. One of the versions is the belief about unequal treatment of the sexes in society, where men are destined for a life full of success and honor, and women are destined for a hard female lot, suffering and serving the needs of others. If your mother perceived her destiny as a woman this way, she transferred it to her own children. And if she did not love herself, then she could not love her daughter, who was a continuation of her as a woman.
After working through the life of a parent, a person becomes able to put himself in his place and understand what the parent experienced when raising him, to see not only his suffering as a child, but also the suffering of the parent. The parent whips the child with a belt from the experience of his deep helplessness, or perhaps takes out anger on him after he was insulted and humiliated by some other people from his environment, and maybe even his own parents. Having been “in his shoes”, seeing the world through his eyes, a person becomes able to understand the parent, to see that he is not the ideal all-knowing person that he seemed to be in childhood, or not the absolute monster that he may also appear to be. This is just an ordinary person who has his good and bad sides, who has both suffering and joy in life. And all that he didn't give to your own child, he didn’t give not because he didn’t want to, but because he didn’t have it to give, because he himself was a victim of pain, violence and lack of love.
And if this process occurs, then only then does a person become able to forgive his parent and accept him for who he was. And with this acceptance, see all the positive moments received in your childhood from your parent, which were hidden and buried under the burden of pain, blackness, and dissatisfaction. And if you clear them, fleeting experiences of childhood happiness and fulfillment will open and return to consciousness. After all, there are always parents even worse than ours. Sometimes they say that if you are not a drug addict, not in prison or in a mental hospital, thank your parents. And since it seems that you do not belong to any of these three categories, and you also have a child of your own - after all, your mother did something right. Just like this, today, you are not yet ready to accept it, to see what strong traits you inherited from her in addition to the weak ones, to admit that the suffering that you experienced helped you become a more compassionate, sensitive person, to understand how to properly raise your own children, etc.
Only after all this long work, where you basically communicate with your mother in your imagination, can you go to your real mother and establish contact with her, and you will find that you feel completely different around her. At the same time, you will still need to learn to protect yourself from her caustic attacks in such a way that the conflict does not develop into a quarrel and open war, as it is now. Not communicating with your own mother for some time in adulthood is normal, and sometimes very useful, because it is possible that the mother herself will feel the emptiness of her daughter’s absence. Mothers often act like they don't care whether they have a daughter or not, but they always lie to themselves because the value and importance of having a child in a parent's life is enormous. It's just that when we start taking something for granted, we forget about it. The experience of such a deficit can serve as a motivation for a mother to change her behavior towards her daughter.
I want you to believe that the process of personal processing is available to you and can help you cope with all the pain that you have discovered in your writing. You don't have to live with it your whole life.
All the best to you!
Nadezhda Baranova
psychologist at the Center for Successful Relationships from 2011 to 2016
In our center you can work on your relationship with your mother
Questions from the elder about the younger
It’s good when the older child constantly asks when the younger one will learn to walk, and when people will learn to eat with a spoon, and when he will already understand books, he will fall asleep on his own. These questions related to age development you must not get tired of answering. There are such American books about age: “Baby”, “ One year old child", "Three-year-old", "Five-year-old", "Old man". If you come across them, buy them, because when a baby is born, the older one becomes very interested in it. Special developmental situations arise when children are from different fathers. They do not fit all of the above.
Gradually the younger one becomes a provocateur of conflicts. Don't miss the moment
It is easy to miss the moment when the younger one begins to provoke conflicts, for example, quickly running up, biting, fighting. And when the older child turns around to answer normally, the baby bursts into a loud, loud cry of “mom” and it’s clear who is being punished. It is very easy to miss such changes in children's relationships.
Not to mention more sophisticated forms of provocation.
By the age of one and a half years, younger children can already do very complex things in order to make the older one feel guilty. The presence of such provocations does not mean that monsters are growing in you and they will bad relationship This is normal puppy fuss. Parents need to have a very large reserve of calm in order to react to this correctly.
The fourth milestone in the development of the relationship between two children occurs when the younger child begins to speak well. This happens from one and a half to two years of the youngest’s life. When the youngest begins to use words, he “encroaches” on a new niche in the family - the niche of verbal communication.
The special sense of self of the firstborn
The first child, no matter what, feels his primacy, the royal position of the eldest. This feeling of self will not go away, and there is no point in fighting it. Sometimes the elder can remind the younger: “I was already with dad and mom when you were not in sight” or “But still, I was born first.” He will seek confirmation of his superiority and primacy in various ways, positive and negative.
In a traditional family and culture, the firstborn enjoyed rights distinct from all other children. Remember the law of primogeniture, according to which the father's main capital or family enterprise was inherited by the eldest son. This law is illustrated by the fairy tale “Puss in Boots”. Remember, there the eldest son gets a mill, the middle one gets a donkey, and the youngest just gets a cat. Now things are different, parents are trying to equalize their children. When there are only two children, it makes sense to equalize. If you have big family, then you should think before telling children that they are equal.
An older child will always have more responsibilities.
The place in life of older children is different in that they have more responsibilities towards their parents and towards other children in the family.
The eldest usually receives the main attention from parents. Nowadays they are greatly developed physically and intellectually. Sometimes this is a narrow area of achievement: sports, music or artistic creativity. With the advent of a younger child, the attitude towards the older one becomes more evaluative. Sometimes the elder begins to think that he is valuable to his mother not just as a person, but as a person who knows how to put away toys, read well, and bring letters.
Parents need to fight their evaluative attitude towards their older child.
An elder may be valued by parents as a child who behaves very well, but this is wrong.
Psychologically, it turns out that the birth of a younger child automatically makes the child older and bigger, even if he is not even two years old. This is a paradox of maternal perception: if the next one is born, then the eldest one is already big. Agree, it is difficult to immediately become big in 2.5 - 3 years. With the birth of the youngest child, the first-born inevitably changes his place in the family. He himself does not change exactly on the day his brother or sister is born. However, his place, psychological roles and associated parental expectations and relationships change greatly. And all this dramatically makes the child older.
Senior privileges
We must carefully ensure that the eldest child in the family has not only responsibilities and disadvantages, but also privileges and advantages. Parents should ask themselves: “What privileges does our oldest child have?”
Privileges are special incentives, opportunities, events that only this particular child in the family has. Parents usually call developmental activities privileges. But in the preschool period, these activities please parental ambitions more than they are the embodiment of the child’s desires and dreams. A privilege can be considered something that the child himself would call such. It cannot be considered a privilege that you learn numbers, tenses, and forms with him.
If the birth of the younger one coincided with a period of negativism in the older one
Often the birth of the next child coincides with a period of disobedience in the firstborn. When a child is one or two years old, the baby becomes irresponsible, disobedient, and harmful. You need to understand that the eldest child, in the first year of the baby’s birth, is a monarch deprived of the throne.
Celebrate moments when children play well
It is imperative to emphasize in words and deeds those moments when everything is fine with the children. There will definitely be such moments, and there will be more of them than negative ones. Unfortunately, positive aspects are less well monitored by parents. When everything is fine with children, there is no need to talk about it. And when difficulties arise, this is immediately recorded in the parental consciousness.
If the older child brought a rattle and smiles, or he and the younger one took a good bath together, then this needs to be emphasized and the older one should be praised separately. We must celebrate good points in relationships between children, so that the older child understands that you like it, so that he has something to try for. He should know that he can expect not only critical comments from his mother, but also praise. And you definitely need to give your elders ideas for games with kids. For example, the older one can teach the younger one to play simple hands or goat-horned, those games that everyone knows.
A wonderful shared toy is made from a large box of household appliances or a table covered with a large piece of fabric - a home for two children. They play house well, starting from the moment the baby crawls. Children with no big difference At this age, they crawl perfectly after a ball or any other rolling toys.
How does the younger one treat the older one?
For a baby under the age of one to one and a half years, the eldest is the indisputable authority, he is very much loved by him. But the older child may not see or appreciate this attitude towards himself. This happens because the little one speaks of his love not with words, but with behavior. And the older child, who can speak, is guided by words and does not always read the behavioral manifestations of the little one. He needs help to correctly interpret the baby's behavior.
The older one needs to say a lot about the baby: “Look how small he is, how funny, how pretty, look how he still doesn’t know how to do these things, let’s teach him, let’s take pity on him, let’s help.” It is necessary to explain what babies can and cannot do yet. The word “regret” denotes a very advantageous position of the elder in relation to the younger. And it’s good if gradually the baby ceases to be perceived as a creature who has special privileges inaccessible to the elder, and that he is allowed to enjoy joys inaccessible to the elder.
Different privileges for senior and junior
The mother's attention and constant physical contact with her is the privilege of the youngest child. But the elder has a lot of other opportunities to unite with his mother. Your parental task is to make them realistically achievable. Some moments can and should be exaggerated: “When Lyalya goes to bed, you and I will finally read a book like people.” For the elder, it is a huge privilege and encouragement to be united with his mother. Then such a configuration does not arise: at one end there is a mother with an older child, and at the other end there is a baby with whom you need to fuss. You also need to find 5-10 minutes a day to play games with your elder that are interesting to him, to do something that you liked to do regularly with him before the baby was born.
Simple activities with an older child after the birth of a younger one
Life shows that there is simply no time left for such matters. In no case should you overload the elder with responsibility for the younger child.
Age-appropriate level of responsibility:
For example, extreme situations should not be allowed when they are left at four year old child a heavy baby who is rolling around in bed and is about to roll over the edge. He cannot cope with this on his own; he may have a very strong fear that he needs to be restrained.
The role of the "honorary assistant"
Until the eldest is seven or eight years old, the general rule is: the less responsibility for the younger one, the better. The senior should rather play the role of an honorary assistant.
What happens if you force them to care?
An older child should not be forced to work with the baby: “Let’s entertain the baby for half an hour!” Even an adult finds it difficult to entertain an active baby for half an hour. Overvoltage is responsible for younger brother or sister is worsened by the elder’s attitude towards him. It’s interesting to play “baby” for five minutes, but ten to fifteen is already difficult.
Much depends on the difference in age, on temperament, and the level of development of children. These indicators are individual for each family. If the older one has not developed an interest in the baby, and no matter how hard you try, joint games do not attract him, you need to leave the children alone and wait for a change. age stage and interest in playing with the younger child will awaken on its own. Forcibly imposing one child on another leads to the opposite result.
Artificial delay in the growth of the second child
In families where there are two children and the parents do not plan to give birth further, there is a situation in which the mother of the second child is artificially delayed in development. He is no longer a baby, but for the mother of little ones, she is not in a hurry to grow up. This is something that older children do not forgive. They see that the younger one could already walk with his own legs, and he (the older one) at this age has been walking with his own legs for a long time, and everyone carries him in a wheelchair. That the youngest can already eat on his own, and he is fed because his mother is so pleased. It is important here, if there are two children, not to interfere with the younger one’s growing up. The younger ones reach out to the older ones until they understand their benefits of being kids.
Unequal treatment to the children
If you see an unevenness in your relationship with your children, you need to fight it if possible. We should not forget that the unequal division of parental sympathies does not cause deep love and affection between the elder and the younger. It will be difficult for an older child to accept a pet.
Competently refuse the game
From the age of two, the youngest child begins to speak, and he needs to be taught phrases that mean rebuff to the older child: “Get away from me,” “I don’t want to play with you.” In many families, not only such phrases, but also such thoughts are not allowed to children. Parents have an irrational belief that if there are two children in a family, they should play together all the time. But in real life everything happens differently. Children will quarrel, but they will definitely find a friend when they want to play together, and this will happen quite quickly. Moreover, they will play well most of the time.
"I want to play alone"
The older or younger child may not always agree with this correctly expressed request. You can teach a child to say: “I want to play alone,” to which the other can say: “I want to play with you.” We must teach the child to express his desires with the words: “I want to play alone,” “I want to play a quiet game.”
Permission to play both together and separately
When one of the children wants to play, parents can declare: “You can play together, or you can play by yourself.” The older child should be given the initial right to leave at those moments when he is tired of other children. The “right to leave”, to get out of the situation, should initially belong to the elder. Then, when the child reaches two and a half to three years of age, he receives the same rights.
If the house is crowded
If the apartment is small, problems in relationships between children may arise simply because it is impossible to separate. But I am sure that in any area, even the smallest one, with parental desire or the work of a children's designer, it is possible to create living spaces, ecological niches for each of the children. Parents should be able to skillfully move their children to different corners of the apartment, and not do this as a punishment. These rules of interaction apply to children with a small age difference.
Inheritance of clothes
Brothers and sisters who are close in age are already very closely united, connected by the very situation of birth. And it is especially difficult for each of them, but at the same time it is extremely important to find their own identity. If you want to give your elder's clothes to your next child, then the first-born should at least ask permission and take into account his possible refusal. Your senior may very well not want to see his most favorite things on another person, much less on “mommy’s sweet baby.” It is often much easier to give what is no longer in use to a child from another family.
If the family is not experiencing significant financial difficulties, then I would recommend buying the first and second different clothes, do not force the younger one to wear the older one’s clothes. And do not urge the elder to give trousers or a skirt that has become too short to the younger one. Clothes acquire a special weight of their own, not from someone else’s shoulder. school age. However, boys are much less sensitive to this than girls. General rule is: “The suppression of individualism leads to a deterioration in relationships between children in the family.” And vice versa: “The better, more comfortable and confident the child feels, the easier it will be for him to build healthy relationships with a brother or sister."
Peculiarities of interaction between children close in age
There are things that, from a child’s point of view, cannot be divided. Things that are in special demand: baby borns, strollers, wheelchairs, remote control cars. If you have close-aged same-sex children in your family, you will have to buy two identical toys. If same-sex children are close in age, it would be good to take them to playgroups or into the gardens so that they see other relationships between people other than their brother-sister relationships. Children sometimes get tired of close relationships, and negative clichés develop in relationships with each other. There is a good saying about this: “Together is crowded, but apart is boring.” As soon as the hand of one reaches for the toy, the second one starts screaming. If children are born with a slight difference, they need to be taught some ways to behave in conflict situations.
Rules of interaction for children with a small age difference
If we talk about children with a large age difference, when they are separated by more than five or six years, then the main source of discomfort here may be the legitimate desire of the elder for the mother to belong only to him, at least for some time during the day. Younger children a priori require greater immersion, constant monitoring, and enormous emotional attention from the mother. Human development is structured in such a way that babies are much more troublesome creatures than older children.
Why schoolchildren may behave badly towards children
If a schoolchild shows aggressive behavior towards younger children in the family, then you need to understand why he behaves this way. Sometimes a schoolboy, who has difficult relationships in class with boys his own age, comes and hassles at home with younger children who cannot fight back. It's not about the younger one, but about the fact that the older one is accumulating outside the home negative emotions, and they pour out on the baby. The object on whom irritation is poured out may be a grandmother, a nanny, or an unauthorized third party. You must first understand where and in what situations the negativity that is poured out on the youngest child gathers. Then you need to start talking with the older one, try to convey to his consciousness that the younger one is not the same opponent at all, you need to learn to make allowances for age. You can tell your child: “Imagine a 12-year-old guy who does the same thing to you that you do to our 4-year-old.” The older child does not always know how to monitor his behavior. Parents should try to understand why their elder behaves this way and gradually teach the child to monitor his own negative behavior.
“The youngest is also a person”
The younger one understands better that a brother or sister is also a person, that we are all people and we have our own desires, he is also a person and he has his own desires. It is much more difficult for an older person to get used to this. When the youngest is born, at first he cannot do anything, he only sucks, sleeps, cries, is completely helpless, he does not even know how to pick up a toy. The elder captures this well, and it is very difficult for him to understand that this creature has already developed over a period of time and turned into someone who may not want or want something. The process of taking away rights from a younger child occurs in an older one from one and a half to two years. By the age of three, it is completed, because the child is also an active participant in this process, but parents must also participate in this process.
How does the elder behave when the younger one begins to show his will?
With a large age difference, the child knows what causes praise from others, how to behave so that people praise him. For the first year and a half, the older one gets the feeling that the younger one is his good, obedient toy, a dog. You lead her on a leash and she walks, or like you roll a car on a string, she rolls. And when the younger one begins to show his character (at one and a half to two years), the older one becomes very dissatisfied with the younger one. Up to a year and a half, the baby agrees with everything and is actually ready for anything: he said - let’s roll the car, let’s give me balls, I’ll throw them. The younger one agrees to all the ideas of the older one, and after one and a half to two years the picture changes radically. The younger child develops a character and a desire to do the opposite. He, the youngest, is now also an independent person. Yesterday’s baby wants to do everything in his own way, and not as yesterday’s “immutable authority” suggests to him. The older child is at first perplexed - the toy is broken, the remote control does not work, then he gets upset, and finally gets angry, trying to return the situation to normal. He tries different techniques to make the baby obedient and pliable. But now the youngest child has entered a period of negativism, and he favorite activity- butt heads and do the opposite. And many months must pass before the crisis of three years passes and the youngest child is again ready to cooperate. After one and a half years, the younger ones have a very strong tendency to resist the authority of the elder.
What to do if children interfere with each other
Let's take reading for example. We are reading a fairy tale that is more suitable for younger age, and attention is accordingly more concentrated in the younger one, and when we start reading something for an older child, the younger one begins to interfere. He closes the book and says: “Well, is that all??” He is tired or not interested, he wants someone to sing him a song. We just started reading, and scandals have already begun. We need to make it clear to him that if he interferes, we will go to another place, and if he wants to stay with us, then he needs to learn to sit quietly, like a mouse, for at least 5 minutes. Or find something for him to do, allow him to play with toys, play with him a little, and then read to the elder again. Youngest child Involuntarily, he listens early to long stories and fairy tales and all sorts of fantastic things and Russian classics, because they read to his elders. And of course, this is not always interesting to him; he may have other inclinations. You need to come up with things like this to keep the little one occupied. Give him some water to drink, play, he really doesn’t have to listen to this book.
It’s okay to work with children alone
At first, the child does not change for a long time over two years.
The baby does not allow you to do things that are interesting to the elder. It needs to be localized, neutralized physically, in the playpen, in the crib, in the high chair. No matter how much he screams, we need to sit him down somewhere and make it clear that no matter how much he screams, we will still be doing this for this long. Or activities with another child are done while the first one is sleeping. At one and a half years old, a child develops a powerful research instinct. He needs everything, he can touch everything, he can touch it, such is the strength of his temperament. This is normal at one year of age. Therefore, it is necessary to isolate the younger one during classes.
Classes for seniors only
For an older child, you need to try to keep unchanged all those age-appropriate activities that he had before the birth of the baby. And reduce as much as possible those trips to classes in which you take two children at once. It is optimal to separate “events” for the older child and for the baby. For example, if you take your baby and go to the pool or to a class for toddlers, then on another day you take your older child and go with him to his class for “big” children. For this purpose, it is worth organizing a nanny or grandmother to help. After all, only with the presence of assistants are separate trips and events, separate time for each child possible. Parents should try to allocate time for activities only with their older child.
Typical tactical mistakes of parents
The first is the non-allocation of personal zone and personal property for everyone.
Parents usually come up with typical excuses for this: there is no space, that they are moving soon, why buy this bed, table, and then buy others two years later. As a result, children have no personal space and property; complete socialism, even communism, sets in, and this leads to increased competition. The area for the little one should be from birth, either a bed or a walker, he stays there for some time and does something. It is necessary to plan for the child to have a personal area. A yearling who is always exploring, he loves sometimes confined spaces where he can sit and calm down.
The next tactical mistake is comparing children, especially in achievements.
Around the age of two to one and a half years, it occurs to the mother to compare children. “Look, what Masha is good girl how well he eats or look how quickly he undressed.” You cannot compare brothers and sisters, this greatly stimulates competition. It’s better not to compare with strangers either. The only way to compare is with yourself. If children openly ask who is better, you can answer: “What do you want me to say, who is better?” Sometimes a child says something mature, this is normal, a child of this age wants to be the best. There is no need to say that you love your children equally. It is impossible to love children of different ages equally; this is almost impossible even with homozygous twins, because they too different people. Telling a child “I love you equally” is not true, and the child cannot help but feel it. Say: “I love you equally as much.”
Excessive grouping of children
Next typical mistake parents are an overly strong association of children. Many parents think that their children’s relationship will be good if they have everything in common, especially if there is a small age difference. Children attend all classes and all holidays together. They have mutual friends and mom even tries to buy them similar clothes. Attending the same classes may create a reluctance on the part of the older child to participate in what is offered. (add)
Starting from about the moment the baby turns one and a half years old, you need to try to see in children not so much their similarities, which are already striking, especially family ones, but rather the differences between them. In order for their further development to proceed optimally, especially with a small age difference between children, you need to find a field for joint hobbies with each of them. Each child should try to discover his own special talent, or a promising area for the development of certain abilities. As psychologists say, with early age It is worth trying to create a special zone of success for each child, based on his abilities.
By dividing, we bring together
If you have one child who is excellent at assembling construction sets, this does not mean at all that the second one will also show interest and ability in this activity. The children in the family are very different, especially the first two. Even with a small difference in age and external similarity, these are two completely unique, dissimilar personalities. Don't automatically try to buy toys that your older child enjoyed. You need to understand the interests and abilities of the child and tune the child to the toy that he needs. If the elder, for example, is involved in some kind of sport, then the younger one should choose another sport. This strategy is not very convenient technically; it is much more convenient to take both children to the same classes. (insert about reasonable separation)
It is especially inconvenient for parents to separate children when they are small. But having your own life, your own, separate from your brother, sister and friends, interests and secrets, children, as a rule, does not alienate, but brings closer. It’s also better not to dress twins alike, but to emphasize through their clothes that they are completely different people. Sometimes it is recommended to send twins to different classes. The situation is similar with children of close age and age.
If parents do not try to allocate for each of their children their own zone of success, to find personal interests, then the younger child may have the feeling that he is just a second, not very successful re-release of the older child. The situation can be especially dangerous when the children are of the same sex and are close in age, while the eldest child is capable, talented, and successful. But children of different sexes often “overshadow” each other: the sicker baby takes the lion’s share of the mother’s attention and strength from the healthier child.
Next tactical mistake -
Inflated expectations for an older child manifest themselves in situations where the older child is expected, firstly, to understand his own life situation (this is done by the mother on an unconscious level), and secondly, to ideally master all kinds of age-related skills. It seems to mom that the eldest is simply obliged to understand without words how tired she is. That she needs to feed and put the baby to bed, but she hasn’t drunk tea yet. A mother who is home alone all day with two small children may really want and expect this understanding from the older child simply because there is no other adult nearby, and compared to the baby, the older child seems quite large.
The older child cannot fit into the shoes of an adult
But we, adults, must remember that we cannot demand any understanding on the part of a preschooler. Simply because he has never been in our shoes. He did not wake up many times during the night to feed the baby, nor did he drag a heavy stroller up icy steps. The eldest has no idea what complex feelings overcome a mother when both children cry, and she is unable to do anything that would immediately calm them down.
Little dog to old age puppy
Often a family situation arises when the youngest child is perceived by his parents as a baby for an indefinite period of time.
For a very long time he has no household responsibilities, is not responsible for anything, and, first of all, is not responsible for his behavior. The youngest child in such a family is the one to whom everything is forgiven and gets away with almost everything. Because in the parent's mind he is still a baby. But if by chance, after watching family videos, or remembering a specific episode from life, parents remember how much their eldest child could do on his own at three or four years old, how mature, organized and meaningful he was, and how little the second one can do at the same age, For many parents, such a comparison of the skills and development of two children becomes the moment of truth.
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Why children quarrel and how to deal with it ( Karl E. Pickhart)
Relationships between little brothers and sisters ( Doris Brett)
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious and All-Merciful!
In some families, children's conflicts are rare or something bordering on the impossible. And in some it is the story of every day. What is the reason? If parents show children love and respect for each other, then the cause of children's quarrels is most often jealousy. Or more precisely, in the unequal attitude of parents towards their children. Parents may not realize it, but by allowing themselves to treat their children differently, they are unwittingly planting a time bomb in their relationship. And this is not only about the fact that instead of being comrades and relatives to each other, children will behave like rivals...
Spectrum negative consequences unequal treatment of children is quite wide. These may include low self-esteem, isolation, hostility, “bad behavior” (to attract more attention), a tendency to colds, illnesses (it is possible that for the same purpose - to attract parental attention), the desire to imitate (elder - younger / or younger - older / boy-girl / girl-boy - depending on who is in family favorite, the “less favorite” will try to be like the “favorite”), etc.
Each child is a separate person; it is impossible to do everything the same for them all the time. A girl, for example, needs a different approach than a boy. A baby needs more attention and care than a grown-up firstborn. One child sometimes needs more support in certain situations than the other. But even when paying attention to one, a parent should never forget about the second. You need to value, love, and recognize all your children equally.
It is necessary to create such an atmosphere and conditions so that every child feels loved and needed. Each of them should have their own place of honor in the family. Otherwise, strife, hidden aggression and competition for the love and attention of parents cannot be avoided. Moreover, a child cannot always openly say that he is not happy in a relationship. He may be saying this in a “veiled” way. For example, illness or changes in behavior and academic performance.
Reflecting on the rivalry between siblings for the love of their parents, one involuntarily recalls the story of the Prophet Yusuf, peace be upon him, told in the Koran. Allah Almighty says in the Quran:
“Certainly, Yusuf (Joseph) and his brothers became signs for those who ask.
So they said: “The father loves Yusuf (Joseph) and his brother more than us, although there is a whole group of us. Truly, our father is in obvious error.
Kill Yusuf (Joseph) or abandon him in another land. Then your father’s face will be completely turned towards you, and after that you will be righteous people.”
One of them said: “Do not kill Yusuf (Joseph), but throw him to the bottom of the well if you decide to act. One of the caravans will pull him out." (Sura Yusuf, verses 7-10).
So, tormented by jealousy for their father’s love, the brothers threw Yusuf into a well. Where did his other trials and the main events of his life begin? And although the story of the prophets is the story of the chosen slaves of Allah, it should serve as a reminder to “ordinary” parents of the consequences of unequal treatment of children.
As the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) commanded? One of the hadiths says that one day An-Numan ibn Bashir, a young companion of the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, came to him and said: “I gave a slave as a gift to this son of mine and I want you to witness it.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) asked: “Have you given the same gifts to all your children?” When he replied that no, the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “Look for another witness for your cause, for I do not testify to injustice.”
Another hadith says that once the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) addressed Muslims with the following words: “Fear Allah and treat your children fairly.” Although violating this prohibition may seem like a small thing or something natural to a parent, practice shows that it is the injustice of parents that lies at the root of many damaged relationships among adult children. And the words of the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, “Fear Allah” only confirm that this is not only the cause of long-term troubles, but also a serious sin before the Almighty.
Hello, my name is Alexandra! My question is a misunderstanding of the relationship of a mother (mother-in-law) to her adult sons.
The eldest son, having got married, lived for some time with his wife in the apartment (of 2) of his parents, went to the apartment that his mother and father gave him (the apartment of his grandmother, his father’s mother), the second son stayed with them...
Today he is already 30 years old, he met a girl (me), and now they live with his parents. But his mother has a very strong influence on his life and consciousness, blackmailing him with her poor health and insults if he tries to break out of her control. She is a very curious woman and is sensitive to refusal to satisfy her curiosity.
I note that his girlfriend (i.e. me) is from another city and is divorced. After the divorce, I rented an apartment, i.e. lived independently and having met “her son,” took an observant position and hoped that a stronger relationship would soon begin, namely, living together. Due to a number of circumstances, the girl (me) had to move out of the old apartment and the guy, how noble and loving person offered to live with him while looking for a new home. I agreed, and so did his mother.
We lived (we live) in cramped conditions, but we were not offended. BUT, we are not 19 years old and we want a logical continuation of the relationship (together for the 3rd year), so his mother, not only that, having an apartment (from another grandmother) does not offer the young people to leave go there and build your own family relationships, but she also asked me not to remove her from her worries (feed, wash, etc. I have a feeling that if it were her will, she would sleep with him, protecting his sleep.
WHAT RULES THIS WOMAN. I DON’T SEE WISDOM, BUT MY SON SUPPORTS HER IN EVERYTHING. LIKE “MOM’S LAWYER,” IT’S HARD FOR ME TO “FIGHT” THIS. BUT TIME PASSES, AND YOU WANT TO LIVE WITH HIM, IN A DUET, AND NOT BE WITHIN A “LOVE TRIANGLE”
Hello, Alexandra! So this maternal affection guides her - when a son is perceived not just as property, but as an eternal child who needs to be watched, cared for, cared for and protected! from what? so that no one takes possession of it, that no one takes it away from her - otherwise what should she do, who should she care about? This is, of course, crooked relationships and crooked love, behind which she sees only herself and her feelings and sincerely does not understand that she is thereby causing wild pain to her son, depriving him of independence and taking responsibility for him and for her life shifts it onto him - he grew up in this and saw only such relationships, he is dependent on the opinion of his mother and perhaps, based on the type of upbringing, he will need a wife-mother than a wife-mistress and friend! Do you understand what kind of relationship you are in? but you can continue to build relationships - even with such a mother you can find common language- and it is important to become not a rival to her, but an ally!!! find something in common that unites you - this is your son - consult, ask - what he loves, how - she will see that you care about her son - this is important to her and when she understands that you are NOT taking him for yourself, then she can also become to your side! Alexandra, all relationships develop differently, and they need to be built and adjusted based on specific situations, if you decide, you can feel free to contact me - call me - I will be only happy to help you!
Good answer 2 Bad answer 1Hello, Alexandra.
It is important to separate what kind of relationship there is. This is You the man, He is his mother and You are his mother. Each couple has something of its own inside, not for the third. And that is why you cannot change the relationship between mother and son in any way, and she cannot and should not influence your relationship in any way. The fact that she does not invite you and her son to move into her apartment is her personal business and she has the right to do so. Maybe she's lonely alone. And she cares about her comfort. And not about yours.
But when you write about the struggle, I get the feeling that you have chosen discomfort in their relationship as a way to achieve your comfort. Which actually doesn't directly affect the situation. It is directly affected by what is between you and your man. And if he wanted to live with you separately from his mother, his mother could not keep him. And if he can, it means either he doesn’t really want to or there are some other reasons. And that’s why I suggest first of all clarifying the relationship within your couple. After all, it seems that the true addressee of your dissatisfaction is a man, and not his mother.
If it is important for you to understand in more detail this rather complicated relationship, come to a face-to-face consultation with your loved one or alone - we will look for a way out.
Sincerely,
Good answer 7 Bad answer 1 
Hello, Alexandra! You find yourself in a love triangle when your son cannot decide who he loves more and who should he obey: his mother or his wife. You and your mother-in-law pull him in different directions, measuring your strength. In this situation, it seems that it is the son who is worst off, not you. It’s hard for you to struggle, pull, and angry women threaten to tear him apart. In addition, he still feels dissatisfaction with himself on both sides. In such a situation, how to decide who he loves more? You want wisdom from your mother-in-law so that she will let him go. And if you show wisdom yourself, or at least intelligence. And even better is love. Let go, understand, accept. Show him that he is strong. He decides. Why don't you believe him? After all, he showed nobility and helped you in a difficult situation. Then he didn’t think what mommy would say. You have good experience. Maybe use it again?
Good answer 6 Bad answer 0 
Good afternoon
Why did my mother give an apartment to one son and not organize it for the other?
In my opinion, the question contains a hidden insult.
In this case you are like capricious girl "Bad Mom, doesn’t give us an apartment." Why not earn money yourself? Rent a house yourself? After all, you emphasized that you are independent, capable of renting an apartment yourself. Or is this only in an observational and demonstrative position? :) AFTER you demonstrated how independent you are, did you expect that your mother would believe you and would definitely give you the apartment? But she had her own plans for this apartment. Unfortunately, we sometimes miscalculate and people do not behave the way we would like, they also play, but at her own game. And this is really a shame. But in fact, it may be for the better, because you, living in HER apartment, will be dependent on her, she will be able to come to HER apartment, command the renovation, furniture, and at the same time your relationship. etc., etc. And here all the cards are in your hands - live separately and be in charge there yourself. How does the young man feel about living separately?
Some mothers give a clear preference to one of the children - their favorite. The other child feels somewhat rejected. Those who experienced such rejection in childhood have a higher risk of developing depression in middle age. This is evidenced by the results of a study by gerontologist Karl Pilmer (Cornell).
In light of previous studies on similar topics, maternal favoritism has a noticeable negative impact on the mental state of children and is often the cause of behavioral problems in childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. The results of a study led by sociologist Jill Sutor were the first to demonstrate that negative consequences continue into adulthood.
The child perceives maternal favoritism subjectively and this negative phenomenon affects the psychology of the subject, even after he grows up, when he is already for a long time lives separately from his parents, has his own family. These are the conclusions of Pilmer (professor of the department developmental psychology College of Human Ecology; publication: Journal of Marriage and Family, April).
The important thing is that it does not matter whether the child was “chosen” or “rejected.” The unequal treatment of parents towards their children harms them all without exception. The child who is not the favorite becomes quietly angry with the mother and sibling who are clearly favored. And the “chosen one” feels the hidden hostility of the “rejected”, moreover, he is forced to single-handedly bear the burden of mandatory compliance with parental aspirations.
It must be difficult for mothers to fully resist favoritism. Research shows that 70% of parents acknowledge their special commitment to one child; in turn, only 15% of children reported that they felt their mothers treated all their children the same. Among children, 92% indicated a rejected child; 73% of parents did the same.
The study took into account the size of the family, race and many other factors. Interviews were conducted with the participation of 275 mothers (age 60-70 years) who raised at least two children (alive at the time of the study). The number of children studied was 671 people. Questions were asked about conflict and intimacy. Children and parents were also asked in whose care the mother would like to remain in old age or in the event of a serious illness, etc.
The results and conclusions of the study can help in the development of new therapeutic techniques for use in psychological practice when working with relevant problems. According to Pilmer, a significant moral norm in the public consciousness is that parents treat all their children equally. Because of this, the issue of favoritism is rarely discussed (something of a taboo). Nevertheless, psychologists are able to help adult children and elderly parents in resolving conflicts that once took place between them, thereby preventing a possible conflict in the future.
Pilmer's work relied on research by Jill Sutor, who co-authored it with Charles Henderson, a senior fellow in developmental psychology, and graduate student Seth Pardo, all of Cornell.
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