After I want to bring to your attention another very interesting and touching letter, which I first learned about from a bookDale Carnegie"How to Win Friends and Influence People".
This letter from a father to his son was written Livingston Larned almost a century ago, but touching people to this day. It became popular after it was published in his book Dale Carnegie. The letter made a strong impression on many people and has since been translated into many languages and reprinted in hundreds of publications around the world.
W. Livingston Larned "Father's Remorse"
Listen, son. I say these words while you sleep; your small hand is under your cheek, and curly blond hair is matted on a damp forehead. I snuck into your room alone. A few minutes ago, as I was sitting in the library reading the newspaper, a heavy wave of remorse washed over me. I came to your bed with the consciousness of my guilt.
That's what I was thinking, son: I took my bad temper out on you. I scolded you when you were getting dressed to go to school because you only touched your face with a wet towel. I chastised you for not cleaning your shoes. I yelled at you angrily when you threw some of your clothes on the floor.
At breakfast, I picked on you too. You spilled your tea. You greedily swallowed food. You put your elbows on the table. You buttered the bread too thickly. And then, when you went to play, and I was in a hurry to get on the train, you turned around, waved your hand at me and shouted: “Goodbye, dad!”, I frowned and answered: “Straighten your shoulders!”
Then, at the end of the day, it all started again. On my way home, I noticed you playing marbles on your knees. There were holes in your stockings. I humiliated you in front of your comrades, forcing you to go home ahead of me. Stockings are expensive - and if you had to buy them with your own money, you would be more careful! Just imagine, son, what your father said!
Do you remember how you later entered the library where I was reading - timidly, with pain in your eyes? When I glanced at you over the top of the newspaper, annoyed at being interrupted, you hesitated at the door. "What do you need?" I asked sharply.
You did not answer, but impetuously rushed to me, hugged my neck and kissed me. Your hands squeezed me with the love that God put in your heart, and which even my dismissive attitude could not wither. And then you walked away, treading your feet, up the stairs.
Well, son, soon after that the newspaper slipped out of my hands, and a terrible, sickening fear took possession of me. What has habit done to me? The habit of finding fault, scolding - that was my reward to you for being a little boy. You can’t say that I didn’t love you, the whole point is that I expected too much from my youth and measured you by the yardstick of my own years.
And in your character there is so much healthy, beautiful and sincere. Your little heart is as big as the dawn over the distant hills. It manifested itself in your elemental impulse when you rushed to me to kiss me before going to bed. Nothing else matters today, son. I came to your bed in the dark and, ashamed, I knelt before you!
This is a weak atonement. I know you wouldn't understand these things if I told you all this when you wake up. But tomorrow I'll be a real father! I will be your friend, suffer when you suffer and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when an angry word is about to come out. I will constantly repeat like a spell: "He's only a boy, a little boy!"
I'm afraid I saw you as a grown man in my mind. However, now, when I see you, son, wearily huddled in your bed, I understand that you are still a child. Yesterday you were in your mother's arms, and your head lay on her shoulder. I demanded too much, too much...
And here is video in which this amazing letter is read.
This is the question that a woman I know asked me. And she was dumbfounded, because this is not about a little boy, but about a teenager who is already 12 years old.
How to react. if an adult child wants to sleep with you? Photo: Lori.ru.
Any mother knows that it is more comfortable and easier for a child to fall asleep in a parent's bed: while he is still a baby, he feels the closeness of his mother, therefore it is easier to survive crises, illnesses and even nightmares.
But when will the day come, or rather, the night, when in any case it is better for the child to sleep on his own?
Even in the case of all the same nightmares, crises and illnesses?
How to respond to a mother when her adult son asks to sleep with her. Should a father respond to such a request from his daughter? Agree, the darkest thoughts appear in my head, and not at all about parental care.
The topic of incest, which is taboo in most societies, isn't really that taboo. It is not discussed, but in modern civilization, unfortunately, it is common. Incest is considered sexual relations between close relatives on a descending or ascending branch: between children and parents, between children in the same family. However, the term “abuse”, well-known in the West, that is, use, has not yet been widely leaked into Russian culture. There may not be direct sexual contact, but a person is used for their fantasies and behave with him, based on this fantasy.
For example, in a family where mother and father have long cooled off towards each other, the growing daughter may well replace the beloved woman for her father. Perhaps he will not touch her with a finger, but will dress up, pamper, shower with compliments and jealously follow her boyfriends. Basically, act like your own daughter's husband. Or a mother can try on new dresses in front of her son, accidentally forgetting to close the bathroom door, wait for a bouquet on March 8, praise her son for strong hands and a reliable male shoulder, which is always there. Although I could address this activity to my own husband.
By the way, children in such families, as a rule, are well aware that their parents behave excessively in relation to them. It is unlikely that a boy will tell his friends that his mother straightens her stockings in front of him, and a girl will not tell her friends that her father knows the size of her underwear. Intuitively, they realize that the distance between them and their parents is broken. And it is better to keep silent about it, because otherwise you can be humiliated and isolated among your friends.
Developmental psychology allocates 9-12 years to the age of younger adolescents. That is, the child grows up physiologically, psychologically, prepares for a hormonal explosion and a sharp interest in the sexual sphere. Moreover, by this age, absolute autonomy from parents is already developing: their interests, rhythms of life, friends, inclinations and hobbies, their talents, favorite games.
There is already a concept of one's own boundaries, an intimate space that can only be entered by invitation. That is why they only play with one friend at school, and you can invite another home. Some of the relatives are hugged, and some are bypassed. And your own bed is a place of absolute relaxation and solitude with yourself. To support your child in the formation of these processes is the task of parents. But many are not up to it. Children become for them a way to manipulate each other, revenge and expression of hostility.
It happened to hear that the mother defiantly goes to bed with her son, and the husband doomedly sleeps in the living room. There are formal explanations for this, but in fact this is a way for parents to tell each other that they have been squeamish about each other for a long time. And the mother at the same time emphasizes that men continue to love her and need her. And let this man be her own son. Of course, all this is not with malicious intent. Such acts and their motives are rarely recognized.
Of course, in families with teenage children and even younger schoolchildren, this type of behavior is the parents' withdrawal from possible sexual intimacy. And it's not the fault of the husband or wife. Both of them choose this form of withdrawal by default, attributing their reluctance to sleep problems in children.
This often happens in families that are overwhelmed by the myth that "all life is for the sake of the children." Then you can close your eyes to other aspects of life together and “save” children from nightmares until graduation. It also happens in families that believe in the "we're friendly" myth. Then there are no secrets between family members, but, in addition, there are no personal boundaries. Because everyone plays many roles for everyone. The son replaces the father, the daughter replaces the mother, etc.
It is worth saying that it is difficult for children to interrupt this pathological pattern of behavior themselves. They, as the most vulnerable link in the chain, adapt to the needs of the family in order to maintain a precarious balance between parents. If the dream of a son with his mother will save the family from parental scandals, betrayals and separations, then he will adapt. And the daughter will also "save" her father from disappointment in his wife.
Therefore, parents who are affected by this problem should decide whether they want to use their own children to stabilize family relations? The hardest thing about this is not trying to hide behind the righteous reasoning that this is all done only in the interests of children.
A detrimental scenario for such grown-up children will be an ongoing sense of shame for themselves and a sense of duty that they will give to their parents all their lives.
Maria Dyachkova, psychologist, family therapist and leader of personal growth trainings
Young parents often face the problem that the child sleeps with them in the same bed. It seems that they arranged a room, bought a beautiful bed, a lot of toys - everything for the child to like and sleep peacefully. But not everything is so simple, no matter how beautiful the room and comfortable bed are, children are often more comfortable sleeping with their parents.
If the son sleeps with his mother
Many young mothers share on maternity forums or in kindergartens the problem that the child does not sleep in his crib at night. Many educators and teachers call this situation "abnormal". But what explains this behaviour?
Parents are always in the first place in a hurry to get advice from friends, relatives or look for answers on forums on the Internet. Opinions differ on every issue: someone intentionally sleeps with a child, because this is the only way to be sure that he is in order and feels good, someone considers this unacceptable and teaches him to his bed from childhood. What about dad, who has to sleep separately because there is not enough space in the matrimonial bed. Some sleep with the baby in the family bed, as the child sleeps soundly only when mom and dad are nearby.
It used to be customary to live with grandparents and parents in the same house, and no one thought about whether it was okay to sleep with children? There were no other options, since there was not enough space, there were a lot of people, so this was considered the norm. No one suffered, the child was always calm and this did not affect his behavior in adulthood.
To get a reasonable answer to the question, you can consult a psychologist. Of course, if the child is sick and has a high temperature, every adequate mother, of course, must be there to control the condition, and age is not important. It is hard to imagine a mother sleeping peacefully in her bed when the baby is colicky or teething and crying. But if the baby is healthy, it is advisable that he sleeps separately in safety measures.
There are many accidents. For example, a woman was tired, fell asleep and in a dream accidentally crushed the baby, blocked his breath. Any doctor who knows at least one such case will forever become a supporter of separate sleep for mother and child.
If a child is used to sleeping with his parents, this cannot be considered a perversion or a medical pathology. But still there is a risk that he will not be independent, and without his mother he will not even go to a children's camp. Of course, when a guy is 17 years old, and his parent still takes him to the doctor, this is ridiculous. At this age, it's time to learn independence. Hyper-care is also fraught with the fact that, having matured, the boy will subconsciously look for a wife who can replace his mother. And this is a psychological problem.
Oedipus complex and behavioral insomnia
If you delve into the study of this issue, you can find information that people with deviant behavior: maniacs and serial killers have been under parental care for a very long time. Also, children can form an Oedipus complex: the boy experiences an unconscious attraction to his mother and competes with his father for her attention. Girls develop an essentially similar Electra complex.
Tracey Hogg, a Western family psychologist with 25 years of experience working on sleep issues, says that in the past it was mainly parents of children under 2 who turned to her for advice, but today it is about 10-year-olds - they still sleep with adults.
Even a special term appeared - "behavioral insomnia". It affects approximately 20-30% of children who have trouble falling asleep.
As many as one in four children need parental support at night, according to researchers, and in many cases that means sleeping in their bed. Scientists have not yet come to a consensus on what to do with it.
A review of 40 American parenting advice books shows that 28% of authors support co-sleeping with children, 40% oppose it, and 32% don't address the topic at all.
The child is like a screen
The opinions of psychoanalysts who specialize in this topic vary widely.
The problem of joint sleep of parents with children is relevant for many families around the world. Cramped living conditions are not the main reason. For a newborn, co-sleeping with her mother is useful and even necessary. But children who have already been weaned should be gradually taught to sleep on a separate bed.
In the first months of birth, mother and child are one. The constant feeling of a parent means security, which is important for the formation of the psyche of the child. It is at this time that such qualities as self-confidence and trust in the world are laid. Mom is the universe for the baby, the most important person for him. The first feeling of oneself as good or bad, loved or unloved, desired or not, is connected precisely with it.
The child grows up, learns to sit, crawl, walk, actively learns the environment. At this stage, the baby develops a sense of autonomy. Mothers who do not let go of their child, are overly worried about him, are able to inspire anxiety. But he needs to learn to cope with difficulties and fears on his own. Having your own bed, which is safe and comfortable, creates such an experience. The room should not be a place where a child is sent for disobedience.
When a baby sleeps with adults, it is important to remember about safety: he must lie between his parents or against a wall so as not to fall. Lush feather beds, pillows and blankets should be discarded, because the baby, burying his face in them, can suffocate.
There is an opinion: if a child sleeps with his mother until school age, this is a pathology that negatively affects his development. But is it?
When a preschooler is still sleeping with his mother, it means that not everything is in order in the relationship of the parents. Often a woman uses a child in order to avoid a showdown with her husband. If there is agreement in the family, then the parents agree that their baby should sleep only in his own crib, and strictly observe this rule.
In addition, it is necessary to limit the intimate area for two. If an adult enough child sleeps with his parents, then he indirectly becomes a rival of one of them - the spouse may feel rejected, deprived of attention.
Parental sexual relations are taboo for children. They perceive sexual intercourse as violence. Such scenes traumatize the fragile psyche.
Own bed - from the first days of life
As a rule, the main reason for the protracted stay of children in the bed of adults is the unwillingness to let go of the child, to allow him to become independent and, as a result, tension arises in relations with her husband. To accustom the baby to fall asleep separately from the parents should be gradually.
First, sit by the crib until he falls asleep. After a while, after putting him to bed, you can leave the room, but make it clear that his parents are nearby.
If the child became scared at night and he came to the bedroom of adults, the most reasonable thing is to take the baby to his bed, cover, kiss and sit a little nearby. This can be repeated several times a night for many days in a row, but parents should not violate the established rule. Very soon, the baby will understand that he will no longer be allowed to sleep with mom and dad.
Your baby should have his own bed from an early age, even while he sleeps with his mother. To lay during the day, while the woman is doing household chores, and at night, placing the cradle next to her bed. Gradually, he needs to get used to his own bed as the only place to sleep.
The most important thing in a mother-child relationship is safety and trust. In this case, it will not be difficult to accustom to sleep separately. If this was not done before the age of 3.5 or 7, then you need to contact a child psychoanalyst or psychologist, because relationships in each family are individual. The specialist will help you understand the specific situation and give advice.
Co-sleeping with a grandmother, grandfather, brother or sister is also a problem, because the child also has sexuality. It is not the same as in adults, here we mean sensuality, which has yet to develop into full-fledged sexuality. Co-sleeping can unnecessarily stimulate this process.
Problems are not from love, but from its lack
Experts with many years of medical practice note that the erroneous opinion is to consider the child's stay in the parent's bed a perversion. From birth and throughout life, a person needs protection, affection and care. And sexual development is a complex, lengthy and multifaceted process in which adults play an important role.
Obviously, it cannot be considered normal when a child in prepubertal (7-9 years old) and pubertal (10-15 years old) age does not sleep alone. But this is not the cause of the disorder. But there are many examples of the negative impact of a lack of parental love. According to statistics, sexual problems often occur in men and women who have not learned to love their parents, grandparents, relatives, peers, the world around them. The inclinations of this ability are developed, first of all, by parents.
At the same time, overprotection contributes to the formation of an infantile personality. For example, there are times when a 32-year-old man comes to an appointment accompanied by his mother, which is not entirely natural.
Whether it is normal to sleep with a child is a rather complicated question. Each parent must independently give an answer to it, based on their experience and specific situation. But of course, if you are engaged in raising a child and forming independence in him from childhood, then there is nothing wrong with him sometimes sleeping in a common bed.
Good time.
A very difficult situation. The fact is that I have a relationship with a man 5 years younger. We have been meeting with him for 1.5 years. He has very complex relationships in the family, so strange and incomprehensible to me that I don’t even know why to write ... his genetics scares him - a very despotic father, and his difficult relationship with his wife (some kind of disrespect in the family for women ) my MCH's grandfather beat his wife (i.e., his grandmother), she was in the hospital more than once (with breakdowns), she just had to run away from him from Moscow to St. Petersburg. So, he grew up in such a family, he saw all this and still sees ...
My feelings are related to the fact that in his character such an attitude towards me is manifested. For example, I can’t go to fitness alone or sit in a cafe and just drink coffee (jealousy, crazy screams, throwing the phone) ... very jealous and suspicious of everything ...
The words that I am a woman and MUST be malleable and manageable are also frightening. It is also alarming that in a joke he can say this and wants to give you ... while he smiles, and this is a joke. I told him to stop doing it, because. I hate it, but it still happens from time to time...
Recently, we had a fight, and I ran out of the car and just walked around, when I returned, he was already gone. I called, and the cries and clarifications continued again. in the end, when I gathered my strength and decided to go ... he ran out of the house, kicked my car, shouted at me, called me a bitch, a creature and at the same time slapped my hands, because I tried to calm him down ... brought me to tears, slammed the car door on me and left. I was reassured by a woman who watched all this.
After there was an unthinkable number of calls to me, I did not answer. As a result, we talked, but he never apologized to me ... he began to blame me again that I was to blame for everything, and his behavior too ... I want to be with him, and when he does not communicate with his family ( he is constantly humiliated and reproached, especially his mother), he is a normal guy. But as soon as some kind of communication occurs, he becomes a different person, and this is reflected in me.
Tell me what to do. I'm confused. I sometimes feel happy, sometimes unhappy, and fears that this will be the case with him all my life. Break, leave? or fight? what to expect from a man like him and his family? Thank you in advance.
Irina, St. Petersburg, 32 years old
Psychologist's answer:
Hello Irina.
You will not part with him, or rather, for you, the question is not worth it at all, the question of what to do, you ask rather to calm, imaginary calm, and even give hints - "when he does not communicate with his relatives, he is a normal guy" . This is his personality, not the influence of external forces on a weak, good boy. Jealousy hides behind sadistic tendencies that help him get closer to power. For this, it is necessary to make another person helpless, submissive, to break his spirit with the help of humiliation, threats and then demonstrating his dependence on the victim and super-love for her.
He understands what he is doing, but he can afford it, because no matter how you are kicked, you "want to be with him." Ambivalent feelings, then fear, then happiness, this is a good kneading for a sadist, losing yourself and control over the situation, you are in his hands, but you also ended up there of your own free will and of your own choice, no matter how you try to prove to yourself the opposite. And give yourself sugar candy in the form of a 0.1 percent imaginary chance of a favorable relationship.
Sincerely, Lipkina Arina Yurievna.
