Have you ever seen crying man? Perhaps you have seen it, but this is a rather rare occurrence. But there is usually plenty of whining.
Men whine, whine, are dissatisfied with everything: “Oh, it’s so hard at work. The boss is nagging, but on my way back, it started to rain so much that I was completely wet. And besides that, I’m hungry, and there’s nothing to eat at home, but can you imagine my colleague... etc. etc.”
Whining should not be encouraged. Even, one might say, it is impossible under no circumstances. There is no need to fall into the standard female pity: “My poor thing, you are tired, cold, no one appreciates my genius, because they are all stupid. It's hard for you. Come here, I’ll feed you and sympathize with you.”
Why shouldn't you encourage whining and how to do it?
The habit of whining is one of the main reasons for failure and inability to adapt to life. After all, what is whining? This is focusing your thoughts on the failures of your own or others, instead of focusing on your goals and plans.
Accordingly, a person cannot achieve anything significant in life through his own efforts and ceases to believe in himself. And the consequence of this can be disappointment in life, cynicism, constant lies, illness, and even alcoholism and drugs.
In addition, living with a person who constantly complains and whines is very difficult. Therefore, if you have such a problem, then it makes sense to give it some attention.
How to do this? Here are some working tips on this topic.
Turn off your listening skills.
The skill of listening carefully to a man (and not only) is generally very valuable and can bring a lot of benefits in family life. This skill involves actively encouraging the other person to talk about themselves. You need to ask some specific questions, paraphrase, take a certain position, make eye contact, etc.
However, it is important not only to be able to actively listen to your interlocutor, but sometimes also to be able to actively “not listen” to him. If your man starts whining, then there is no need to keep the conversation going. Do not ask leading questions, do not paraphrase your interlocutors. Don't make eye contact and turn sideways, maybe even do some cleaning or some super important, urgent chores.
After some time, the man will begin to speak less and less emotionally and quite often stops talking. It's time to move on to the second appointment.
Change the conversation to another topic or start talking about yourself.
Perhaps you have been told that it is rude to move the conversation to other topics when the interlocutor is talking about something important to himself? Ugly. I agree with this. When my wife tells me something, it’s rude to change the conversation. And I try to listen to her carefully.
When you change a man’s conversation, especially when he tells all his complaints and unnecessary things, then, in my opinion, turning the conversation to another topic is quite ethical, beautiful, and most importantly, reasonable.
It is also important that in 90% of cases this is not difficult. Just ask a question on a different topic, that's all. It is advisable, of course, not “Have you taken out the trash?”, but a question regarding his goals or hobbies.
You can just start talking about yourself. After all, listening to others a lot is harmful, it tires you and prevents you from concentrating on your thoughts. You also need to be able to tell about yourself. So start talking about your business and interests. If a man doesn’t know how to listen, then it’s time for him to start learning.
Tell him directly that you are interested in his deeds, not his excuses.
Or say that you are tired of a particular conversation and you want to talk about his goals, about yourself, about raising children, etc.
It happens that translation to another topic does not work. The man returns again and again to his petty grievances, excuses, constant discussions of some rumors, etc.
Then you can talk directly to the man and tell him that you are not interested in talking about certain topics.
For example, a man constantly talks about some disasters and murders that he watched on TV. You can directly say and repeat that you are not interested in disasters. There’s nothing you can do anyway, and you’re not interested in chewing the same thing several times.
Or, if a man constantly whines about work, then you can say something like this: “Darling, I realized that at your work there are only people who do not understand you, who do not appreciate your genius. I am no longer interested in this. Tell me better what you are going to do.” do with it."
Forget about sympathy and help.
This point, due to its importance, needs a special article or even a series of articles. The only thing I would like you to remember is that by sympathizing with and helping a man, you make a loser out of a man who does not feel an ounce of gratitude towards you and will leave you at the first opportunity (will cheat).
In fact, a man doesn’t need to give and borrow money, he doesn’t need to give up his hobbies and devote his career to him, he doesn’t need to help him get dressed, he doesn’t need to sympathize with him if he gets hurt or fails. (If only just a little, for example, if there is a fracture, or a major failure). I could cite a dozen more things that should not be done, but I think the general meaning is clear.
It is better, for example, after a failure (when the man comes to his senses, of course) to say that you believe in him. Shift his thinking to the future, let him be alone, periodically give him some tasks, etc.
Ask about what he actually did during the day.
It rarely happens that a man does nothing at all and does not strive for anything. He usually does something at work and at home. Some things work out for him, and some things he doesn’t. Ask more about his affairs. Special attention you need to pay attention to new things or changes, where the results may not be great, but the difficulties are significant.
That, in fact, is all the advice. What more can be said? The habit of whining in a man is precisely a habit, often instilled from childhood by overly compassionate mothers. But to some extent, this is even a habit of two people. A woman has a habit of listening to whining, feeling sorry and sympathizing, and a man has a habit of whining. With all your desire and the desire of the man, she will not disappear in 1 day, even if you give her all your attention.
Therefore, these tips can, of course, be used occasionally, to interrupt a specific conversation. But it’s best if you devote a month or a month and a half to this. Get used to talking about yourself and your affairs. About what you want, what you dream about, how it can be done, etc. Value yourself and your life more, don’t encourage a man’s whining and don’t be a “mommy.”
It is believed that a man should be in everything stronger than women, must protect and protect his chosen one. But what to do if a man whines endlessly and needs protection himself? Let's whisper?
How to recognize a whiner
Sometimes a man’s complaints are caused by real problems - the death of a loved one, dismissal from work. The dark streak can last quite a long time, and the wife needs to help her beloved overcome the difficulties that have arisen. But more often than not, complaints are ordinary whining, which should serve as an alarm bell for the spouse. So how can you distinguish a whiner from a person in a difficult life situation?
The first sign. A whiner is always dissatisfied with everything. Government, work, weather, food, health. Even if he receives a good salary, he has loving wife and wonderful children, such a person considers his life a failure.
Sign two. He constantly presses for pity. Whiners are natural manipulators who achieve what they want by putting pressure on the emotions of others.
Sign three. You have to spend a lot of energy and effort to console your man. You can no longer fully feel like a woman, because it is you who become the head of the family, and not your spouse.
Sign four. For all the problems of a whiner, it is not he himself who is to blame, but those around him. At the same time, every minor problem in the whiner’s mind is inflated to enormous proportions.
It happens that a man’s behavior changes due to loss of ability to work and acquired disability. He begins to feel flawed and dependent, which is why he often complains about life. This is a difficult situation in which it is necessary to consult a psychologist.
If your loved one is healthy, but does not stop whining, you should think about whether you need to waste time on such a person. Whiners can turn their spouse's life into a real nightmare, and re-educating them can be problematic.
The roots of psychological problems always lie in childhood. People who grew up without a father have a tendency to whine. And the mothers of such people often overprotected the child.
Should this behavior be encouraged?
The answer is clear: No! How more woman feels sorry for her husband, the more he begins to whine. Over time, whiners often hit bad habits, because alcohol is a way to temporarily forget about life’s disappointments.
By endlessly wasting energy on supporting a person, you yourself will become exhausted and angry. And anger, as we know, leads to quarrels.
A whiner, accustomed to blaming others for everything, will soon begin to blame you too. It doesn’t matter how much care you give him and how much you strive to support him, sooner or later you will still find yourself guilty of his troubles.
A strong man will be ashamed if he evokes pity from his wife. A person who takes advantage of your pity is unlikely to be decisive and independent.
Another problem for couples in which the man has a tendency to whine is the lack of sex life. After all, a woman begins to perceive her partner as a boy who needs to be taken care of, while in the eyes of the whiner she herself turns into a mother, and not into a passionate lover.
One of the mistakes women make when dealing with whiners is competing in complaints. The logic is simple: “Are you all bad? And look at my problems." This kind of behavior in relationships usually ends badly.
How to stop a man from being a whiner?
Here are some tips from psychologists for those who want to retrain their partner to whine:
- You are a woman, and you must show your husband that you are weaker than him. If he starts to whine, say that you are very sorry, but you cannot help, because you have less strength and cannot cope with such difficulties. This behavior lets a man know that he must solve problems on his own and not rely on you.
- Ask how your spouse plans to solve problems. Support him, but don't feel sorry for him. “I know you are strong and you can handle it” - support. “Of course, they are all to blame, you can’t fix anything” - pity.
- Share your joy with him, praise him for his positivity. Let him know that happiness attracts you much more than endless sadness.
- Listen to him. Maybe he is really in poor health and should see a doctor? If he complains about your actions, then think - what if you really are not always right in your behavior?
- Nothing helps? Ignore. Don’t be fooled by provocations, don’t keep talking about how bad everything is. Your partner will soon realize that sharing complaints with you is useless.
Whiners are one of the most dangerous male psychotypes. They know how to hurt their loved ones and skillfully use it. And if you can’t rehabilitate a whining man, maybe it’s time to say goodbye to him and start living for yourself?
Today we will discuss a topic that literally tears people apart on both sides of the barricade. Namely, what to do if a man complains and whines all the time, or has recently started complaining. Read the article to the end, and you will learn a complete arsenal of techniques that will stop anyone from complaining, even the most armor-piercing whiners with experience.
Support a man in difficult moment- a manifestation of love for him. I have already written how to do this correctly in .
But what if there is no end to the whining?
His paws are always aching, his tail is falling off, he has no money or strength, the government is full of fools and thieves, there is a lot of work, he cut his finger, and so on.
The first side will argue: “A man needs to be supported, rush after him with cakes and borscht, put him to bed in a warm bed and do everything so that it doesn’t get worse!”
The other side will say: “Yes, the dog is with him!” He's a strong man! He’ll figure it out on his own, but I went to hang out with my friends!”
The first option may help, but not for long. Then the man’s whining gets to the throat and I want to hit him in the teeth with a rolling pin so that he will finally shut up. The second option works a little better, but with the risk that your indifference will make the man feel unwanted and lonely.
What is the right thing to do? After all, this behavior of a man literally kills both him and you.
Why you shouldn’t encourage and listen to men’s whining
✿ A person who whines all the time focuses his attention on the negative aspects of life. This means that these aspects will grow by leaps and bounds and poison the lives of both of you. There will be no time to focus on goals and objectives, and there will be no strength left. As a result - complete disappointment in everything, drug addiction, alcoholism, infidelity, illness, gambling addiction and other rubbish of life.
✿ Next to a whiner, you spend a lot of moral and physical strength to bring him to his senses. As a result, you yourself are left without strength. And now there are two lazy and sad vegetables lying on the bed, who can do nothing to improve the situation. In the worst case, you are both angry and a quarrel will be added to your problems.
✿ In the family, you no longer feel like a woman, because now, instead of your unstuck man, you need to “stop galloping horses” and “enter burning huts”, save him from all troubles. And he ceases to feel like a man and this makes him even more upset and whining.
✿ You stop respecting and wanting your man. And no wonder, because he just cried into your vest. You turn not into an interesting companion and passionate lover, but into a mother, ready at any moment to give the baby a handkerchief and wipe away his tears. Of course, a man also has the right to be hysterical, but it is best not to do this in front of his wife and children, otherwise the relationship will end. It is useful to whine to your psychotherapist or mentor - this way the problem can be solved, and not aggravated.
✿ The man stops wanting you. Sexual attraction to mommy is a rare occurrence and far from the norm. Yes, and testosterone drops from whining. They want to say it’s difficult to say what is the cause and what is the effect. His whining also means that his love is already fading, and he is not shy about whining. When a man is in love with a woman, he tries to seem cooler to her than he really is, he is inspired, his state is the opposite of whining. When love passes or it was not there to begin with, the man becomes poor and groans.
✿ If everyone is to blame for everything, then sooner or later you will be on the list of those to blame. If you haven't already.
✿ By listening to his complaints, you are destroying yours. nervous system. He feels better, but for the third night you haven’t slept in your thoughts: “What if we don’t have enough money because of his problems at work? How should we live now? Maybe get a second job?” Problems happen to everyone, and we can provide each other with help and support, but we are not obliged to encourage inaction, self-pity, and resentment towards the whole world for injustice and cruelty. Especially if complaints are a way of life. With his whining about “no money,” he will ruin not only your mood, but your whole life. But he feels good: he poured the slop on you and he felt better. And now you live with it as you want.
Everything is clear, male whining is evil and only evil, no good. Let's figure out what to do about it.
A man complains and whines - what NOT to do
Do not confuse the concepts of “pity” and “support”
The easiest way to make a man into a nonentity is to start feeling sorry for him. Tell him: “I don’t really need a car, I’ll go by subway for a couple more years... Don’t worry and don’t kill yourself like that, poor thing! The main thing is that we are together, and the rest is not important, because nothing has ever worked out for you. I immediately saw what kind of person I was marrying.” Instead of this monstrous humiliation, it is better to support him: “You are strong, tomorrow you will go and handle everything, I have no doubt, because you have always handled everything perfectly.”
Don't give him advice, don't solve the problem for him
Overcoming difficulties makes a person strong. If you do this for him, then you will also become stronger, and you will do even more for him, and so on in a spiral.
Don't worry about doing everything yourself
Otherwise, you’ll end up getting overwhelmed at home and at work, and you’ll also be carrying a man on you to the bathroom and back. Some people whine and try to shift responsibility for their affairs onto others, including their wife. So that his wife would see how hard it is for him, poor thing, and take part of his unbearable burden. Yes, more! And the wife agrees to this not out of incredible kindness, but only out of fear of losing her man. Because she feels: he started whining, he doesn’t need me, he’ll suddenly leave, I’ll save him, solve his problems and stop complaining, and then, lo and behold, love will return. But to return love, you don’t need to save him, but increase your attractiveness.
Don't try to out-complain to him.
It sounds like this: “Are you having problems? This is still nonsense, listen to what I have!” And off we go... Thus, you make two mistakes at once: you support him in his whining, and you make it clear that his problems are nothing at all compared to yours. And this is insulting.
Don't throw him tantrums every time
It often happens like this: by complaining, a man is simply trying to get your attention. By throwing a tantrum, you feed him, indulge him in his inability to attract attention to himself in civilized ways. If his complaints are a way to get at least some attention and participation from you, then your screaming is much better for him than nothing.
Don't try to please and be good
Worse negative feed Only positive ones work. You will train him that if he wants attention and affection, he has to whine and be pathetic. He whines, and you wave a fan around him, dance in your underwear and bring food from the kitchen. This best way make a man a tyrant and a loser who whines without days off or a lunch break. In the end, he will become a loser, and of course he will blame you for it.
Don't doubt your choice
Of course, this is very convenient. The situation is just right to ask yourself the question - “atomuliyadala?” Get a negative answer and pack your bags. But think: if at the beginning of the relationship he was not a whiner, but became like that with you, then most likely your fault for this is plenty, and it’s in your hands to fix everything. If he has always been like this, then sometimes you can wean him off too. True, it is better with the help of a psychologist.
How to stop a man from complaining - 13 surefire ways
1. Remember that you are a woman
And you are not supposed to save a man due to your status. First, direct the conversation in a constructive direction by asking questions: “What are you going to do about it? What do you think you should do? Tell me how you will defeat everyone? Add that you are sure that he is your hero, a real man, and can easily cope with all difficulties. This will encourage him. If the situation repeats itself, you may even cry and say: “I’m so sorry, but I just weak woman and I can’t help you in any way.” You make yourself weaker than him, and he understands that it’s better for you not to complain, otherwise, to add to all the problems, you will also have to console you. Compared to the tears of a beloved woman, many difficulties are no longer so severe. He will understand that there is no demand from you, you need to think with your own head. If not him, then no one, and this is already much more interesting, and at the same time, the attraction to you returns and intensifies due to your correct reaction.
2. Become more attentive to him
If this has started recently and does not happen often, then there is a chance that your man simply does not have enough attention and is trying to attract it in this way. Ignore complaints, but at other times, when he is not complaining and is cheerful, try to be more attentive to him. Bring coffee to bed, hug and kiss him more often, greet him with joy, praise and thank him for all his actions, arrange romantic dates.
Creating close relationships that bring only joy is a real art and not the easiest task. To make it easier, my husband and I created a game. I developed the assignments based on my experience counseling women and bringing them to results in personal coaching. Follow the link and create the relationship of your dreams while playing!
3. If you have health complaints, urgently send him to a doctor.
Ignoring complaints about your health can end badly. Therefore, there is an ultimatum: either he goes to the doctor, or he endures it in silence, like a Spartan. You are not a magician and cannot make a diagnosis from heavy sighs, and it is useless to complain to you.
4. Listen to complaints about your behavior and work on yourself
If a man complains about some areas of your life with him, for example, sex life or its absence, for the food you prepare, for the fact that you and your work or children do not devote any time to him, or, on the contrary, you are stuck at home, have gained weight and there is nothing to talk about with you, and maybe you are even embarrassed to appear in public - instead of stupid insults, listen to him and decisively correct the situation. After all, these are alarming signals for your family and only you have the power to change everything.
5. Ignore him
If he always complains, with or without reason, endlessly and about everything, you can use heavy artillery. “No money” - you are on the phone. “The boss is an asshole!” - you are for a vacuum cleaner. “There is a crisis in the country!” - you are looking for urgent purchases. If in response to such actions there is a claim that you are not interested in listening to him at all, calmly answer: “Darling, I am very interested in listening to you, but it is much better about something positive. About your goals, successes, dreams, aspirations. Something good is happening in your life. Let's talk about this?
6. Reinforce positivity positively.
As soon as a “ray of light” flashes through the stream of mob and hopelessness escaping from his mouth - something good, positive, you perk up, smile, support him in every possible way and unambiguously hint that such conversations instill confidence in you. And now he - best man on Earth! And so every time he accidentally starts talking about good things. Don't be shy about exaggerating your interest. If he asks why you are so happy, say: “You lift my spirits with your positive conversations, thank you!” If it turns negative again, look down, frown, shut up and use the method of ignoring.
7. Change the conversation abruptly to another topic.
But not boring everyday stuff like “Did you pay the rent?” Take the conversation in a positive direction - remind him of your joint goals, dreams, plans, ask about good things. Draw his attention to the bright sides of life. If you can’t remember positive topics during the conversation, think about them and prepare in advance.
8. Tell him that such topics are not for you.
It’s suitable if he has seriously decided that politicians riddled with corruption, dangerous bandits, fatal diseases and other stories on the topic “how scary it is to live” could really be interesting to you, and he doesn’t care about being ignored. Be very upset and explain to him in a gentle way that such conversations make you sad, they make you want to shoot yourself, because you are a weak woman and cannot influence anything, so you feel helpless. Add that if he is so interested in it, then it is better to discuss such topics with friends, and not with you. He brings up a similar topic again - repeat everything: get very upset and ask him not to tell you about it. After several repetitions, he will get used to the fact that such topics are not for you.
9. Give him shock therapy
Or rather, a good thrashing. Not to be hysterical every time, but after his next howl to throw one grandiose scandal. Suitable in cases where he didn’t complain much before, but lately he has become more frequent with whining, you diligently tried other methods and for some reason they did not help, and you are already tired of listening to him every time.
Tell him that you are tired of his endless complaints, you fell in love with him strong man, and he is falling apart before our eyes. If something hurts, let him go to the hospital, he has no money, he will change jobs, and in general he will learn to solve his problems himself, instead of crying in your skirt.
I know of several cases when this worked, instantly and forever. Suitable for those whose men are “normal” men, and not guys with a fine mental organization - such a person will get scared, shut down and stop trusting you. Only you need to do this only once, and not after each of his laments. You listened and listened, it accumulated, you rushed and told him how tired you were of this. It is better not to use this method, or only as a last resort.
10. Stop being a whiner yourself.
Read Will Bowen's book A World Without Complaints.
Analyze your own behavior - how often do you give in to despondency? Then, with an unhappy face, tell the man that you noticed how bad complaining and negative thoughts. They give up, and you don’t want to do anything.
Ask him to help you. From now on, you will wear a bracelet on your hand, and every time he catches you complaining, you will change the bracelet to your other hand. Tell him what the goal is: not to change the bracelet for three weeks, that is, not to complain once for 21 days in a row, then the bracelet can be removed. You also need to change your bracelet if you hear someone complaining. He whines - you silently change the bracelet to your other hand, and he sees it.
That is, you just work on yourself, don’t strain him in any way. But at the same time it will be difficult for him not to become infected. The trick is that by monitoring your complaints, he automatically begins to notice similar bad behavior. Paying attention to a problem is halfway to solving it. He may even want to join you in this experiment, but this is not even necessary. After all, the influence of a husband and wife on each other is very, very great.
Once I rented an apartment together with another girl, each of us had our own room. I put on the bracelet and told her about my personal experiment. How surprised I was when she quickly became infected with it! She liked to feel the surge of positive energy, and she also stopped complaining in just a few days, which is why she changed beyond recognition. And this is a girl with whom we were not even friends, just roommates! What can we say about loved one, with whom you are tightly connected with your brains, hearts and bodies.
The main thing here is not to expect anything from him, and not even to hint that “he wouldn’t mind either.” The goal should be your real work on yourself, not on him. He may not be interested at all, this is normal. The less you push, the more likely it is to succeed.
11. From a dark past to a bright future
There are men who constantly dwell on the topics of the dull past, stew in it and cannot calm down. If you have such a habit, then the next time your loved one launches another tirade on the topic “my terrible past,” ask him: “Was there anything good in your past? Let's talk about it! Was there nothing at all? Then let's enjoy the present, this wonderful moment! We love each other, drink tea with delicious cookies together in our cozy apartment, and let’s dream about how we will do this on the shore of the warm ocean on our next vacation?” This is how you literally reprogram your man to think positively.
12. Help him believe in himself
This can be done not by consoling, wiping away tears and turning yourself into a “superwoman” who will pull her loved one out of any apocalypse, but by clear words and actions. If you start complaining, instead of “we can handle it,” say: “You can handle it, I have no doubt, because you are the best and the strongest, that’s why I fell in love with you.” And then - so that you are blown away! Anywhere: to mom, to the store, to run errands, to the toilet...
You are not a garbage dump to accept all this garbage. Feeling sorry for the poor wimp is not the point of your support. It’s better to let him know that he can handle anything and he can handle everything, because he always did - this is the best support for a man. After all, every problem is yours living together- this is a great opportunity for him to prove what a hero he is.
13. Give him real bang for your buck.
Often a man complains that money is hard to come by, but there is no return, and in general it is not clear why all this is needed. In this way, he is trying to convey to you how difficult it is for him to make you respect and admire him. This means he doesn’t get enough of it and feels underappreciated. After this, love may leave.
It is useless to recommend him to change jobs. Even worse is getting a job yourself. Turning on austerity mode and giving up things for yourself will not help either. This way he will understand that he can whine and work much less. And degrade without achievements.
Better give him the return he wants - real support. Arrange small and big holidays with a cake and even possibly with guests in honor of his next successful project, salary or promotion. Remember what is happening at his work, ask about his successes, ask specific questions, showing interest in his achievements and your presence in his life.
Find it in your children with him positive qualities and say: “Our son is smart and brave - just like his dad,” “Our daughter always gets her way, just like her dad.” Teach your children to appreciate his contribution to the family: “Your dad bought all this, now we’ll have something to eat for a whole week, go kiss him, he’s such a hero!” By the way, I’ll write about how to motivate a man to have children, to take care of them and love them. So subscribe at your convenience.
Most of us have traits that can annoy others from time to time. In the same way, your boyfriend sometimes turns from the man of your dreams into a terrible bore whose girlfriend you wouldn’t wish on your enemy.
Boring type
Excessive pedantry is a characteristic feature of those young people who had to grow up early. These are a kind of “Uncle Fedora” who became assistants to their mothers, playing the role of comforters and advisers for them. They only felt loved and valued when they could provide mature, intelligent support. And now they project onto others the image of their mother from their childhood, for whom they were obliged to solve problems. IN psychological game“Persecutor - Savior - Victim”, boring men always try to play the role of the Savior. They are unconsciously looking for a Victim who will need their wise guidance and whom they will teach. Sometimes such help seems excessive, even persecutory, especially when the Savior is too persistent in his “teaching.” In this case, don’t be afraid to tell the bore “Stop!” Thank him for the advice, tell him that you value his opinion, but you will make the final decision yourself. He may be a little offended for a while, but if you act firmly enough and stick to your decision, your relationship will gradually improve.
Be happy!
Psychologists say that a woman who is ready to put responsibility for her life on someone else’s shoulders and does not want to think and act independently can build a strong relationship with a boring man, or other most dangerous psychological types of men. However, if for some reason the man also needs support, and the girl cannot provide it to him, their union may crack.
I cry and sob
Psychologists note that for such people to be dissatisfied with something is a normal physical reaction to external stimuli, which originates from childhood. This person’s inner child is crying not because something terrible happened to him, he just needs emotional release.
Whining men, as a rule, grow up in families where the father is absent either physically or psychologically. And the mother is overly caring, trying to protect her son from all problems as much as possible. And at the same time, she is very anxious and, perhaps, even slightly jealous of her son’s attempts to do something on his own. Mother and son are in a kind of symbiosis, in which by default the roles are distributed as follows: she is strong, smart, caring, and he is the one who takes this care and needs it. Growing up, a man seeks relationships that are familiar to him from childhood.
Unfortunately, the whiner never managed to grow up. And I didn’t learn to take responsibility for my life. He cries, whines, as if small child, desperately in need of a caring mother who should help him cope with this difficult life. As a rule, in a relationship such a man takes the position of the Victim. And she always needs a Savior. A girl who is not ready to just support and be a kind of muse for her beloved, without asking for anything in return, is unlikely to be able to stay with a whining man for a long time. Even if he charms her with his sensitivity and sentimentality at the very beginning of the relationship. But if it is more important for you to love yourself than to feel strong next to you male shoulder, then your couple has a future.
I won't forgive you!
Everything is great with you until suddenly something happens. But what this “something” is and why it hurt him so much, you have to guess for yourself. Perhaps later your loved one will tell you what not to do so as not to offend him in the best feelings. But this will happen later, but for now, for several hours you will see the dissatisfied face of your man and hear only one answer to all questions - “normal.” And also suffer from a lack of understanding of what in your behavior he didn’t like so much.
Excessive isolation in conflict situation, reluctance to talk, as well as a gloomy appearance, most likely indicate that he lacks attention. Often this behavior can be a completely conscious manipulation. Your partner's resentment makes you feel guilty, and you are ready to give your warmth just to cope with this unpleasant feeling. The causes of excessive touchiness, like many other problems, are in childhood. Perhaps the parents were restrained in expressing their feelings and rarely praised their little son, each time preferring not to notice that he was trying to gain their attention with the help of resentment. And instead of loving himself and accepting him for who he is, it becomes very important for the child how others evaluate him. Not getting what he wants, he accumulates annoyance at the whole world, which he adult life demonstrates at every opportunity to those who could not give him enough attention and love.
The little boy in the grown man is too afraid to ask for something openly and experience his own failure, and suddenly he will be rejected. Therefore, resentment becomes, albeit strange, a way of communicating with the outside world and your partner. Those who are often offended often believe that they are underestimated and need constant confirmation of their own importance and praise. Such a man is pre-set to have a negative attitude towards himself. He can himself initiate situations in which he will feel rejected and unrecognized, receiving a kind of masochistic pleasure from this.
Another common cause of resentment can be unmet expectations. Your man expected from you, for example, an invitation to a party or to visit friends and, not receiving it, with all his appearance he demonstrates universal resentment. He sincerely believes that you, like many others, should have guessed about his desires.
If a young man is overly touchy, then you should be patient in communicating with him. Praise him for his achievements and successes, but avoid comparisons with others, for you the best is he, and only him! Try to find the “golden” mean between constant admiration and avoidance of provocations on his part. Switch a man's attention from problems to the positive aspects of life. Show him that talking about grievances may not be so scary and dangerous! And at the same time, do not forget about your own feelings in communication - do not make excuses and constantly apologize where you do not feel guilty.
He's a whiner! It's almost a death sentence. The fact is that a whining man causes much more rejection than a constantly wailing woman.
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He's a whiner! It's almost a death sentence. The fact is that a whining man causes much more rejection than a constantly wailing woman. Who does it call? Yes, from anyone you meet, not to mention your loved ones. According to archetypal ideas, a man should be strong, smart, insightful and preferably an alpha male. This is all great. But, meanwhile, the “male whiner” type is alive, well and does not intend to disappear.
There cannot be an equal sign between whining and real powerlessness, the inability to accomplish something. Whiners are capable of moving mountains, making a career, and traveling. And at the same time - complain to everyone about your hard lot. And no matter what they say, whiners lack two things: self-irony and faith in a happy ending.
Whining is not a sign of self-doubt. This is self-pity, the beloved, who is the center of this fragile and unreliable world. But even whining can be done in different ways.
Type one. Common whiner
His principle is simple: you can’t keep whining to yourself, it’s exhausting. His whining is a normal physiological reaction to external stimuli: a frosty morning, cold coffee, a reluctance to leave the house. Anything can fall under distribution. With his grumbling, the whiner seems to be describing the world. But with purely negative characteristics.
How to communicate. There are two traps that you can fall into when communicating with an ordinary whiner. The first is to behave unnecessarily rudely with him. That is, scold for whining. The whiner will climb into his cozy shell and start with new strength feel sorry for yourself. Or even pour out your regrets on your more kind-hearted fellow citizens. The second trap is to delve seriously into the whiner’s problems and try to provide him with real help. The whiner's difficulties are most often of a metaphysical nature: I chose the wrong specialty, I have no real friends, I'm so lonely... That is, problems for which there is no one to blame but myself.
That he is, in principle, very pleased with the arrangement. The longer and more complaining the whining, the less likely it is that the whiner is going to change anything in his life. In other words, there are no real difficulties in his life.
Therefore, there are only two ways to deal with an ordinary whiner: ignore him (in terms of breaking off all contacts as quickly as possible) or create real difficulties for him. One day we had to take a classic whiner with us on a mountain hike. About which it was known in advance that complaints about an unfulfilled life were his signature number. We took him not without apprehension, wondering what we would do with him in the middle of the road if he suddenly collapsed from self-pity. But miracles! - our whiner, as soon as we left the threshold, became unusually caring - and with everyone at once: he ran for water, made sure that no one was tired, distributed vitamins and redistributed the load. And I won’t tell you how he became a whiner again as soon as we returned home, so as not to disappoint.
Type two. Whiner-Cassandra: “Well, I warned you”
As you know, Cassandra was able to predict only the bad. Good news is not her role. The classic “Cassandra” of modern times is Gromozeka from cartoons or books about Alisa Selezneva and the 21st century. The Cassandra whiners choose the postulate as their motto: “No matter what is done, everything is for the worse.” Therefore, as soon as the slightest trouble happens, a whiner of this type begins to become a nightingale: after all, I warned you! Why didn't you listen? Now blame yourself! And if in case of minor troubles such behavior is rather amusing, then in case of large ones it can greatly infuriate oneself.
As evidenced by his whining. He lacks attention. He lacks respect from his interlocutors and attention to his expert knowledge. Grandmothers behave exactly the same way when they tell you: “Have you caught a cold? It’s because you didn’t listen when I asked you to put on your hat.”
Type three. Whiner Peacock: “I’ve suffered so much, let’s have sex”
He is courageous and immediately attracts attention. But on the very first evening of your acquaintance (after the third drink, after the twentieth joke) he will dejectedly rub his stubble and confidentially tell you about his troubles. He is able to present his numerous walks on the rake as an exclusive life experience. You will have to listen to how his first wife left him, what failures he suffered after that, how he once ended up in a sobering-up station, and how yesterday he got into a fight with his boss, whose beefy, smug face was begging for a brick.
As evidenced by his whining. This whole epic about suffering is nothing more than his favorite form of self-presentation, an attempt to press for pity. Most often, women's pity for such men is expressed in instant sympathy and the desire to become a mother and savior to the sufferer. Well, in the future, good sex in the next few hours.
How to communicate. Don't take this bait. Otherwise, after a while you will have to witness how he ended up in the sobering-up center again, which best friend turned out to be a scumbag, and that the boss’s face at the new workplace again asked for a brick of news. And after some time, he can be found in the company of a girl you don’t know, reciting a text about how he suffered and what bitter experience he learned from it.
