What if my mother What to do if my mother does not love me: recommendations from experts. Finding maternal relationships in relationships with men

When we were children or teenagers, we all did stupid things for which we later apologized to our parents. If you are now at that age and you really want to do something that will upset your parents, this article is for you. After reading it, you will learn how to get forgiveness from your mother if you have done stupid things. Unfortunately, sometimes the simple word "sorry" is not enough to get forgiveness. However, it is still possible to obtain the desired forgiveness. Ask your mom for forgiveness, treat her with respect and be good. Thanks to this, mom will certainly forgive you.

Steps

sincerely sorry

Apologize to your mom in person. Don't send your apologies in a text message or email. Talking to your mom in a tense situation will be difficult, of course, but this will show that your words of apology are sincere.

Be sincere. Speak in a respectful tone, clearly and clearly. If you mumble something under your breath, most likely, your mother will not believe in your sincerity.

If you don't know how to start, try saying something like, "I'm sorry I upset you. I shouldn't have gotten into a fight. I'll work on myself and try to be a better person. I hope you'll forgive me."

Tell the truth. You may be tempted to lie to your mom, but trust me, it's not worth it. You can make things worse. If you are caught lying, you cannot escape punishment. You will have more trouble and it will be difficult for you to get your mother's forgiveness.

Don't talk to your mom when she's angry. Let the feelings subside. Approach her later when she calms down and cools down a bit. Most importantly, do not argue, this will only make things worse.

Choose the right time. Don't try to build a relationship with your mom while she's doing something, like cooking dinner. Approach her when she is free and ask if you can talk to her.
- Be prepared to understand your mom if she doesn't want to listen to you. She may not want to discuss this issue with you. Wait a bit, and once again approach her with words of apology.
Don't wait too long. Remember, everything has its time. If you wait too long, it may seem to your mom that you are not ashamed of what you did.

Listen to what she says. Listen carefully to her and try to understand her point of view, why she thinks you did wrong. If you understand why your action hurt her so much, you can get her forgiveness. Try to put yourself in her place. She wants you to grow up to be a responsible person, so she is very upset when you act contrary to her expectations.

Do not mention past actions in a conversation with mom. Don't mention what your brother did in the past or what happened a few months ago. You will only remind her of other unpleasant events and anger her even more.
- For example, don't say, "But you didn't punish my sister last week for coming home late! Why are you angry with me and not with her?" Mentioning a past incident will only make things worse. Instead, try saying, "I know you're angry with me, and I really shouldn't have been home this late. I'm truly sorry I did."
Don't make excuses. Excuses undermine the sincerity of your apology. By this you show that you are shifting the blame on someone or something else. You have to admit what you did wrong if you want your mom to forgive you.
- For example, don't say, "And I didn't get back that late. I just couldn't leave my friend alone." Instead, say the following: "I know I came late and I'm sorry. Next time I'll be more careful about the time and not repeat the same mistake."
Try to fix the mistake. The best thing you can do is try to fix the situation.
- For example, if you break something, try to fix the broken thing. If you yell at your sister, be kind to her.
Sorry in writing. This advice may conflict with the first advice in this article, "Apologize to your mom in person," but you can apologize in writing in addition to a personal apology. Do not send a message by e-mail or by phone. Write a letter by hand saying that you are very sorry for your mistake and do not repeat it in the future. To write a note by hand, you need time to think. Most likely, mom will appreciate your efforts. If you draw well, you can draw something that will cause pleasant emotions in your mother.
- You can write a note that reads: "Dear Mom, I know that you are very upset because I got into a fight with my sister. I know that you really want us to have a strong relationship with my sister. I love her, even despite the fact that sometimes she really annoys me.I understand that I am older than her and therefore I should not react when she specifically tries to piss me off.In addition, in order to have a strong relationship with someone, you need to apply efforts. This will be useful to me in my future life. I will do my best to establish relations with my sister and maintain a peaceful relationship with her. I love you very much and hope for your forgiveness. With love, your son."
Understand that forgiveness takes time. Sometimes, mom can forgive you very quickly, but in some cases it may take time. In fact, according to psychologists, there are stages of forgiveness. Mom can deny what happened, feel angry, as well as depressed. She can then accept the situation and forgive you. Don't expect her to go through all of the above steps. Your goal is to work on yourself to get her forgiveness and gain her trust.

Remember that your mom isn't perfect either. She also has the right to be wrong. Therefore, she may be more angry with you than you deserve.
- Sometimes mom can be upset for other reasons. Your act may be just part of her bad mood. Just like you can take your anger out on your little sister, a mom can get overwhelmed if she has had a bad day or week.

Show respect

Show that you are listening. When your mom talks to you, listen carefully and don't be rude in response. Admit that you made a mistake, and she has the right to reprimand you for your act.

Don't ignore her. She wants to help you. If your mom wants to talk to you, take the time to listen to her. Be prepared to respond to her and be sure to take the time to reflect on her words. You can reassure her at the end of your conversation that such an incident will not happen again. This will let your mom know that your apology is sincere.

Speak in a respectful tone. When answering mom's questions, do it in a respectful manner. Answer calmly and honestly.
- For example, if your mom asks, "What were you thinking when you did that?" don't sarcastically reply, "I must be an idiot and didn't know what I was doing." You can say, "I don't think I thought before I made my decision. I'll be more reasonable next time."
Accept the punishment. This will show that you respect your mom's decision.
Behave like an adult. Don't be rude or use offensive words. Don't stomp your feet or slam the door. You will only make the situation worse. Mom will be even more angry with you, and you will regret what you did.
- In addition, mom will appreciate that you behave like an adult and will forgive you much faster.
- If mom says: "You only talk, but you act differently!" Do not argue. Agree with this and ask her to help you become a better person.

You should not avoid your mother if you have done something bad. However, if she is very annoyed with you and does not want to see you, let her be alone for a while.
Enlist the support of your dad or siblings. Sometimes they may talk to their mother and ask her to forgive you.
Never yell at your mom.
If you have committed an act that you regret, you should not cry, tears will not solve anything. In this situation, it is better to show with your positive actions that you are ready to change. Your mom will definitely notice the change. Also, be sure to apologize to her. Although she may not believe your words, she wants to hear from you anyway. And remember, actions always speak louder than words. So work on yourself!
Remember, mom loves you. Tell her that you love her too.
Don't hold back. Otherwise, you will have to wait a very long time for forgiveness.
If you did something wrong, talk to your mom about it! This will help her understand your point of view.
Be polite to her.
Don't leave in a fit of anger. Talk to mom.
Give her a gift or write an apology card.
If you're asking for forgiveness, don't say, "I know you're angry with me." It's like saying, "This is how you show that you don't love me." These words will upset her even more. Instead, say, "I know you're disappointed with what I did. Please forgive me. Can you do this?"
Help her when she needs it. Be sure to help your mom with household chores. By doing this, you will show that you have learned an important lesson from the situation.
Go together to your favorite place where it will be easy for you to forgive each other, for example, it could be the beach.
Do what makes her happy. She will definitely appreciate it.
Don't say sorry words too often. This can make her angry and she won't believe what you say.
If you feel like your mom scolds you too often, talk to her about it. Of course, you don't want your mom to get upset, but in this case, talking can help improve your relationship.
For example, if you have eaten someone's dish, prepare the same and give it to the person for whom it was intended.
Make or buy her something to apologize for your bad behavior. This will show that you are very upset about what happened.
Don't interrupt her if she is still talking.
Remain calm when talking to her.
If you're arguing about something insignificant, like who goes to the bathroom first, tell your mom that you're in a hurry. If that doesn't work, give her your seat.
Sorry, but don't overdo it.
Help your mom around the house by doing things she doesn't ask you to do. However, be sure to make her notice your actions. She will definitely smile, perhaps without saying anything. But if you don't, like washing the dishes, vacuuming, washing your clothes, she will still be angry with you.
Give your mom a present.
Make sure she isn't upset for any other reason.
Ask your mom not to discuss your fight with other members of your family.
Give mom some time to calm down. Later, you can approach and discuss the problem with her.
Don't ask her for anything for a couple of days.
If you argue... don't shout. Keep calm. Wait for mom to give her opinion, then you can answer her.

Hello. I have a dream, or rather a goal, and I really strive for this goal. But, I am afraid to tell my mother about my goals, dreams, thoughts, because every time I tried to tell my mother something, she did not listen to me, did not support me. I really like to learn different languages (I know Armenian, English, Russian, I study Japanese, Korean, Ukrainian), and my mother and relatives have already decided for me that I will become a translator or a teacher and work in prestigious places, but I don’t like this kind of work , This is not for me. I study languages because I like learning about other countries and being able to talk to the people of that country, but I love the stage, I love being the center of attention. I wanted to become a model in Japan, but my mother did not agree, now I have a goal in front of me - I want to audition for a Korean idol, I am often told that I have a good voice and that if I practice vocals, it will be very good. So, I don’t want to say that I have a really great voice, but I want to practice vocals for at least two months and send an application for an audition, I really want to try, trying is not torture. I didn’t tell my mom what my plans were, only today I said that I want to do vocals, but she said no. I want to go through this path even if it is very difficult, because this is my dream and I have willpower, if I set a goal, I will definitely get to it. If I go to my goal, but everything will be bad in the end, at least I will blame myself, and if my mother forbids me to fulfill my dream, I don’t want to blame her for this for the rest of my life, but I can’t, it’s my dream. I don’t know what to do, how to convince my mother that such a job as a translator is not for me, that maybe it will be better for me with my choice, at least once I will decide what to do. I cry a lot, very often, but sometimes there is no particular reason to cry, I can sit sit and burst into tears just like that, but I especially cry when I understand that there is no one who would help me, support me, I cry more when I think about the future, because I want to go my own way, I cry also, because I don’t have anyone to talk to, especially my mother, I don’t trust at all. I'm the kind of person that it's easy to regain my trust, but I've tried so many times to trust my mom, but she doesn't want to listen to anyone. Please help what should I do? Maybe I'm guilty of something, but what? that I just have a dream/goal? What should I do so that my mother will let me go and give me a chance to fulfill this dream? It was not like my mother supported me when it was very difficult for me, on the contrary, she always said that I was to blame for everything, I understand that sometimes I make mistakes, but I become stronger because of this. And when I don't want my mother to interfere, she will always interfere. How can I do it please help me. Thanks in advance. (Sorry if there were errors in the text.)

If a child asks the question "What should I do if my mother does not love me", then there is a reason to read this article to the end. Now I want to talk about this difficult topic that many of my clients have faced: the lack of love in their lives. Most often, we are talking about maternal love, when a person does not feel that his mother loves him, and the mother demonstrates some kind of behavior that confirms this, or this behavior indicates that she is pushing the child away.

This is a rather difficult question, because people, as a rule, come to various practices and do them with hope, with some illusion that something will change in their mother’s life, in her condition, and she will finally fall in love with them. They have such an illusion: "I will change so much that it will change my mother's attitude towards me, or heal something inside my mother, and my mother will finally love me." And having gone through a large number of trainings, various courses, people still have not received their mother's love, but they still hold on to this illusion that by transforming themselves, they will be able to change something in their relationship with their mother, they will be able to feel or see what Mom finally loves them.

What happens inside a person who is deficient in motherly love?

In this case, there are two completely opposite parts inside a person. The first part, indeed, in childhood, faced with the fact that something was missing in the relationship with my mother. Maybe even what a person calls love. The child could not feel the mother's love or the love of parents, mother or father.

At the same time, he experiences a feeling of loneliness, a feeling of loss, and the child is alone with this, he does not know what to do, how to overcome this, how this can be resolved at all and whether something can be changed. At the same time, all these feelings are hidden inside, they are hidden: sadness, sadness from the fact that there is no love - it's all hidden and suppressed. Then in life it can somehow manifest itself, but in childhood it is all cemented inside.

At the same time, a person does not have a sense of stability, some kind of support, but there is a feeling that at any moment he can die, that is, he has a fear of death. And this fear of death appears due to the fact that it is not valuable for parents, parents do not love him, and anything can happen at any moment, and parents will not protect him, will not help, and the child thinks that he may die.

On the other hand, another part of a person appears, which persistently seeks contact with parents. It is so hard to be in the first state that a person lives with the illusion that sooner or later something will happen, and my mother will love me, my mother will accept me. Either it is so hard and painful for him that idealization of parents arises, thoughts arise that in fact they love him, they accept him, there is simply something that prevents them from showing this love, and so on.

Download the Mother's Love Meditation "My Mom is in Me" for free, go through all the steps from start to finish.

On the one hand, it is hard and painful, and on the other hand, there is a persistent desire to establish contact and receive that same love.

How do these processes manifest themselves in life?

Mom does not understand why the child believes that his parents do not love him

Sometimes a person, already an adult, continues to “shake” his mother. This is an internal process, it does not take place in the truest sense of the word. But literally, a person can come and present some of his claims to his mother that he does not feel like a child, does not feel loved, say that she never loved him. At the same time, the mother may not understand at all what is at stake. From her point of view, she gave everything to the child, and does not understand what the problem is, what her adult daughter or adult son is talking about.

The fact is that the mother is included in something in her family-clan system, and she simply cannot give what the child demands from her, it is called love or it is called support. It is very important here to understand that your task to heal mom is most likely a failure. You cannot make her life, her condition different, and give her something that will allow her to be a different mother for her child. It all depends on what you want here.

This article is primarily for kids who are still "shaking" their mom. For those who have been present in life "I want to get my mother's love", "I will do everything to get my mother's love." You need to understand that the idea of healing mom or changing for mom so that she finally loves you is a failure. Mom is involved in something, mom is already in this process, there can be no other way.

Here, most likely, the question is how you can separate from this process. Perhaps this will happen when you see through the constellation what your mother is included in. It is possible that your path will be some other, but your task is to understand from this article that your idea of reaching out to your mother is a failure, because it was impossible initially. The second thing you need to understand is what you want to do with it. Do you want to deal with this somehow for yourself, in order to get out of this relationship or separate from this dependence on mother's love, and then, with some resources that you can get from this situation, move on with your life?

Not often and not everyone will come up with the idea that a mother may not love her own child. Much more often, motherly love is presented as something that is not subject to any conditions, something absolute and even divine. Many believe that maternal love is the same for all women, that a mother will not only understand and support any of her children, but will also forgive for the most serious crime. It seems that there is nothing stronger than the love of a mother. However, this is not always true, and not all mothers love their children in the same way.\r\n\r\nAll social ideas about life and people have always been based on maternal love, and if not lucky, then on maternal dislike. Usually conflicts between mothers and children occur because children do not agree with how their own mother loves them. In turn, mothers are also not always able to correctly assess the degree and quality of their love for children.\r\n\r\nOver time, grown-up daughters also suffer from discomfort and a lack of motherly love and attention. Sometimes this affects their future fate and how they build their relationships with people around them. Critical mothers may spend their entire adult lives picking on their children, most often their daughters. They are trying to raise adult children who already have children of their own. And then these same mothers complain about the little attention their children give them.\r\n\r\n \r\n

Why doesn't mom love me?

A very devastating theorem, especially if the opposite is true. But think about it this way: could you tell her about yourself? This is not true? Then it only means - he does not love you. It is usually on the agenda for the day when the victim refuses to do anything for the manipulator. Don't get carried away by the game, refuting the assertion. You will return the ball to the other side.

Often this is not said openly, but it is the result of the other's behavior. This may include free time planning, financial matters, solving common problems. The manipulator is trying to use your emotional addiction to achieve your goals. On the other hand, why would you? Most of the time there is no misunderstanding, but try to make your attitude and make you justify your actions as the behavior of a sovereign person.

\r\nThe most paradoxical thing in such a situation is that the daughters of such mothers are trying to the last to get approval from the parent, to see a smile on their face and, perhaps, to hear words of praise from them. But such mothers will not change. Unfortunately, this fact can be difficult to understand and accept, although this is the only way to get out of the vicious circle.\r\n\r\n

The offer comes basically after you've explained five times that you can't just go to that office at this hour because you have something else to do during the week. The manipulator likes to grant an information monopoly to tell about his surroundings what he is doing right now. Do not limit your social contacts and compare your emotional relationship with your partner with other relationships.

The manipulator likes to demand absolute perfection after the second. This is because no one is perfect and your "flaw" is the source of the guilt that prioritizes your partner. Give some specific examples of what you have mastered. Prepare for the fact that the partner may try to claim what you are reading. Return the blow and say that he did not want anything in this case or not? Unfortunately, this topic can be discussed for a very long time, because it is a general one. So bring the discussion back to specific situations.

\r\n\r\nPsychologists recommend coming to terms with the situation and accepting as a fact the fact that the mother does not love. If you accept this, then life will become much easier. It will be possible to build your own life without regard to the opinion of the mother. In addition, in such a situation one should not be at enmity with the parent, mothers live quite peacefully under the same roof with their children, whom they do not love, but do not deny their existence. It's just that their communication takes place on a slightly different level. They can respect each other as individuals, but at the same time not invade personal space. The main thing to remember is that the mother will not change. Therefore, it is better to let go of the situation, and live your life, where you can have a loving husband and children.

If you don't, don't parse the topic. Efforts to transfer responsibility for your own mistake. An attempt to secure your absolute commitment. If it doesn't matter to your partner, let him know. Don't look for reasons, it's a waste of time.

No time to think about it, I need it now. An attempt to force you to make a last minute decision, often about things you would normally reject. You don't have to like being beaten. Something broke in her that night for no reason. I think she always expected too much after this visit.

Mum. Two syllables, four letters. But how many songs, warm words and stories are in these letters. How much care or... suffering?

We used to think that motherhood is a kind of image that is inevitably associated with love and tenderness. The very word "mother" in the minds of many has become a kind of metaphor denoting care and affection. As it turns out, not everyone has such associations. You will be surprised, but we are not talking about children from dysfunctional families. We are talking about girls who had a completely normal childhood, a full family, went to a good school. But their childhood is normal in terms of meeting material needs, but not spiritual ones. Now we are talking about those daughters who were never loved by their mothers.

They were never too close to each other. Yes, yes, she knew that maybe she was not the best daughter - nervous, screaming, stubborn, well, maybe she didn’t dream of such a daughter either? However, she had a choice, she had two daughters, and she has two. The second one is also far from ideal, but the one that I think mamingo likes more.

She often reprimanded her mother that she got worse, but either she met with a strong denial, or a statement that "stupidity speaks", or with great regret that the child also comes to this. But what can you do if she feels it?

Unloved daughter - how is it?

The mother does not love her daughter - such a formulation hurts the ear. This is no accident. It seems that such a situation is unacceptable in the average family. As it turned out, not everything is so clear. Many daughters live in such conditions all their lives, being afraid to say out loud to someone: “Mom never loved me.” They hide it: in childhood they make up stories, in adulthood they try to avoid the parental theme.

She did a lot to get her mother's attention. Praise for "good deeds" could not wait, so she turned to the evil side of power. However, she quickly noticed that he lost more of his rebellious attitude. Her mother's main focus was on flaws. No, not exaggerated, she just gave them more time and attention.

Difficulties in defending one's own boundaries

Probably not the best, and perhaps the requirements for the mother's institution are too great? Children are small; they will give her many opportunities to express herself. However, she believes that they will copy the samples. He notes that he treats them sometimes unfairly. You will say that she knows what kind of relationship she wanted with her mother, so let him develop her in her own garden.

When a mother does not love her daughter, this affects the entire further development of the girl, her formation, her personality, fears and relationships with people.

As a rule, "dislike" is expressed in the absolute emotional detachment of the mother from the child and in the regular moral pressure on the child. Sometimes it can even be characterized as emotional abuse of a girl. How do such relationships manifest themselves?

Yesterday you were like a bastard. You have grown up, you are no longer a child waiting for her teeth to grow. And as you grew up, my soul dictated the following lines. Don't despair of love, because you will only find illusion and disappointment. Your mother taught me when we were younger about patience. Imagine that the wolf is just despair. You women, you understand better. And I, as a man, will talk to you about people. What you have to choose, but it is not obligatory, you are free to choose.

Lack of trust in people

When you decide to stop wandering around looking for an identity and when you want the person next to you for the rest of your life consider the following things. Don't look at the packaging. My dear girl, tutu, after too much sunlight, turns yellow, hates and what will you do next? The packaging is thin and will not keep you warm in winter, cold and snowy. The packaging will not make you hungry or thirsty. It's in vain if it's bad.

A logical question: "Why doesn't my mother love me?"

Often mothers are totally indifferent to children. Yes, they can feed them, give them shelter and education. However, at the same time, the connection between the child and mother necessary for the little girl may be completely absent (this is precisely the model of relations when the daughter can calmly trust her mother and receive support from her, sincere empathy for children's or adolescent problems). But, as a rule, such indifference can be completely imperceptible from the outside.

Do not throw yourself into the hands of the light, but work independently. Don't hold on to his wallet, because eventually you will become his subject. And if he leaves, what will you be left with? Is it worth having everything you want in exchange for your soul? Are you a beloved person or a woman who cleanses all suffering?

For example, a mother publicly praises her daughter and boasts of her successes, only this praise is the usual hypocrisy. When the conditional "audience" disappears, the mother not only does not pay any attention to her daughter's successes, but also constantly underestimates her self-esteem when communicating face-to-face. The unloved daughter becomes a victim who, from a very young age, perceives the world through the prism of maternal indifference or maternal cruelty.

Don't be afraid if you feel like your heart is flying out of your chest and landing on his soul. Do not break the flight for fear of heights. Do not love half measure, because you will have half an empty soul, and the greatest happiness is when you have a soul full of the one you love.

But forgive only that which does not negate your dignity. Don't forgive if he wipes your boots with his soul. The soul will tell you what to forgive, to stay and when to go. Don't be fooled into thinking that you will move a mountain in front of you. People change temporarily - a kind of vacation of nature, but every holiday has an end, right?

Consider a very simple and at the same time life example. While one girl brings home a “four” in her diary, her mother can cheer her up, instilling in her daughter the hope that the next time the mark will definitely be higher. In another family, a similar situation may end in a scandal, saying “again I brought home four points, not five!”. There are also options when the mother, in principle, does not care how the child learns. Constant negativity, as well as regular indifference, leaves an indelible imprint on the future fate of the daughters and their own future families.

Don't be jealous. You don't make that mistake and you don't accept it. Do you understand that love is freedom - do you still know the wounded poison you worried about when you were younger? Well, did you see how the circles were in the air when you flew into the sun, when you blinded the earth?

"Mom never loved me": Unloved daughter and her adult life

"What if my mom doesn't love me?" is a question many girls ask themselves too late. Often it comes to their minds already when the period of cohabitation with their parents is far behind. But it was he who shaped human thinking for many years.

How is maternal dislike manifested?

My daughter, you are a beautiful woman in face, mind and soul. To be a strong woman and not understand that not to cry much. If you cry, my shoulder will always be there for you.

It's about seeing the freedom of the soul - a continuous flight. Do not give birth with lies, because then you will enter a vicious circle from which only separation will take you away. Love is strange for chimeras. Don't think that you can only lie once - the first time is harder, then you lose the line. If he lies to you, go and find someone who can accept your deeds, words, and love. She doesn't accept a milk daddy next to you.

As a result, already adult girls get a whole bunch of psychological problems based on previously received emotional trauma.

Once the question that arose in my head, “Why doesn’t my mother love me?” develops into the life position "Nobody loves me and never loved me."

Is it worth talking about the influence of such a worldview on relations with the opposite sex and with society as a whole? Maternal love not received in childhood leads unloved daughters to:

Lack of confidence in yourself and your abilities. Because of what, a girl or woman simply does not understand that she can be loved by someone.
Distrust of others. Can you be happy when you can't trust anyone
Inability to soberly assess their merits and competitiveness. This affects not only communication and a healthy life in society in general, but also careers and areas of interest in particular.
Perception of everything is too close to the heart. An extremely undesirable quality for any person who wants to achieve success in any life industry. The list can be continued for a long time.

What if my mom doesn't love me?

It is unlikely that the daughter can find a satisfying answer to the question why her mother does not love her. And she is looking for him in herself:

"something is wrong with me"
"I'm not good enough"
"I'm disturbing my mother."

Of course, this approach will only lead to even greater immersion in problems and a decrease in self-esteem and self-confidence. But even having found the answer, it is difficult to radically change the situation. However, you can look at everything from the side.

Yes, parents, like the country, are not chosen. And you can't force love. But you can qualitatively change your own attitude to everything that happens in the family. If you are the same girl who has known all the “charms” of such an attitude on herself, you simply have to carefully work out the picture of the world that was created in your mind. It is worth understanding that not all people are friendly to you solely out of self-interest, and not everyone should be suspected of insincerity. It's not easy. Some cannot even accept the fact that they are valuable to someone. Perhaps, for a reassessment of values, it is worth asking for - this will certainly help to improve life and attitudes towards other people. The main thing to remember is that you yourself will become a mother. And a sincere manifestation of love for your own child is the best thing you can do for him.

Do not seek to please your mother, especially if, over the years of living with her, you have realized that any of your behavior is likely to be perceived indifferently at best, at worst - with habitual criticism. Growing up without a mother's love is hard. But it is even more difficult to force yourself to change the pattern of your behavior. Even if your mother never loved you, she deserves respect for your upbringing, but not constant worries. Your task is to set yourself up to overcome ingrained scenarios and increase your own value in your eyes. Many unloved daughters were able to improve their lives by growing up. And you can, if you realize the root cause of your psychological problems. And it lies precisely in your question: “Why doesn’t my mother love me?”.

Our columnist Elena Bashkova talks about how separating from a mother is not callousness, but a blessing, and also about how often the close relationship between an adult daughter and an elderly mother actually turns out to be a tangle of neuroses and manipulations.

We haven’t seen Anka since our institute days, but, thank the almighty social networks, were aware of each other's lives. As much as in general it can be judged by glossy popular prints.

And now, I was “lucky” to find out the details. Being one of those who, without hesitation, pours out her soul even to people who are not very familiar, the woman happily talked about her relationship with her children and husband.

My eldest is already twenty, ”an old friend said, not without the pride characteristic of young mothers of adult children. “And we have a complete misunderstanding with her,” she continued cheerfully. We can't get along at all. She needs admiration and worship, and, you know, I'm not like that at all.

I nod - Anka really has always been sharp and straightforward.

And in general, - she continued to share the secret. - The girl, consider it a cut piece. Lives separately, comes only on weekends. My husband recently wondered what kind of aunt we had settled in the nursery.

I listen to my friend, without interrupting, marvel at the story, and suddenly I catch myself thinking that I envy her a little. And not only to the fact that she has already raised and brought to mind one child (mine are still in their infancy), but also to how competently and correctly she built a relationship with him.

Of course, one cannot judge them casually, and, perhaps, everything is different than it seemed to me, but the way Anna simply talks about the cut off slice - her twenty-year-old daughter, is very impressive.

I'm almost forty, and I still often feel like a part of a big loaf.

The process of separation (separation) from parents ideally ends with the child coming of age. But how many of us even come close to that ideal? Alas, there are too many examples of completely different relationships around.

To tie an adult child to yourself, there are different "strings".

For example, you can switch roles with him. The scheme is ideal for strong and independent daughters. These cannot be commanded, but it is very easy to play on their sense of duty.

You must have met such couples more than once. It is not difficult to recognize them - by the tired and doomed look of a young woman, and the capricious notes in the voice of an elderly one. For some time, daughters may even like these games, but exactly until they have their own children. True, especially successful mothers may not allow this, but this is a clinical case, and about it some other time. Most of the time it's not so tragic. Although it is no less painful, because, having found the realization of maternal instincts “on the side”, the girl will almost certainly desire her mother to grow up. However, she will not let go of her victim so easily.

All means are usually used - from numerous ailments to endless conversations about their loneliness.

This is just one of the options. There are others. For example, you can inspire a child with the idea of his complete lack of independence and insolvency. Unlike the previous couple, in this role they are distributed correctly, and the mother here remains the mother. The very one without which the crocodile is not caught, and the coconut does not grow.

And it is not necessary for her to be a dictator in a skirt. On the contrary, it is much more effective to surround the daughter's family with attention and care. Such as not to breathe. So that no decision is made without the approval of the great mother. After all, only she knows how and what to feed her son-in-law, where it is best to go on vacation and where to shop. Such parents always have the keys to their daughter's house and passwords to their grandchildren's electronic diaries. From the outside, these relationships may even seem ideal, but only if they do not burden the daughter and her other half. And this rarely happens.

And here we come to the main and most terrible consequence of the separation that did not happen in time - if you do not set boundaries, if you allow the mother to live the life of her daughter, she can pay for it with her family. How many marriages are destroyed by loving parents, do not count. In the end, not every spouse agrees to live together, sharing his house and life with a strange woman for him.

But everything is not hopeless, and there is a way out. In my experience and the experience of my girlfriends, the main thing is to understand that any relationship that strains you should and can be reconsidered. It is never too late to change them, even if the previous twenty, thirty or forty years were different. And you should start with yourself. There is nothing to think of re-educating an adult, especially if everything suits him. Conflicts and wars will almost certainly cause a feeling of guilt, expiating which it is so easy to return to the previous positions.

Rebellion is appropriate in adolescence, mature people have mature decisions.

Which one depends on the circumstances - each hut has its own rattles. The benchmark is your own comfort. Everything that is done with love and from the heart is always for the good, out of a sense of duty - no. Gently, but persistently (water wears away a stone), one should build boundaries exactly where it is convenient. And the feeling of guilt can always be lulled by some obligatory rituals - family dinners on weekends, monthly joint trips to the cinema or theater, weekly shopping, etc.

The main thing to remember is that there is nothing wrong with being cut off by a hunk. Moreover! After eighteen it's even normal.

In order not to miss anything useful and interesting about children's entertainment, development and psychology, subscribe to our Telegram channel. Only 1-2 posts a day.