Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish: how to talk so that children will listen, and how to listen so that children will talk. How to speak so that children will listen, and how to listen so that children will speak Faber how to speak so that children

Suddenly our initial embarrassment about writing a How To book disappeared. Every field of art and science has its educational books. Why not write one for parents who want to learn how to talk so that their children will listen to them, and listen so that their children will talk?

Once we decided on this, we started writing very quickly. We hope Ms Gunpool gets a free copy in New Delhi before her children grow up.

Adele Faber

Elaine Mazlish

It seems too arrogant to us to tell everyone how to read a book (especially considering that we both start reading books from the middle or even from the end). But since this is our book, we would like to let you know how we think you should approach it. After you get used to it by flipping through it and looking at the pictures, start with the first chapter. Do exercises as you read. Resist the temptation to skip them and move on to the “nice bits.” If you have a friend with whom you can work on the exercises, then even better. We hope you will talk, debate and discuss the answers in detail with him.

We also hope that you will write down your answers so that this book becomes a personal reminder for you. Write neatly or illegibly, change your mind, cross out or erase, but write.

Read the book slowly. It took us more than ten years to find out everything that we tell in it. We do not encourage you to read it for as long, but if the methods outlined here are interesting to you, then you may want to change something in your life, then it is better to do it little by little, rather than abruptly. After reading a chapter, put the book aside and give yourself a week to complete the task before moving forward again. (You may be thinking, “There's so much to do, the last thing I need is an assignment!” However, experience tells us that putting knowledge into practice and recording results helps build skills.)

In conclusion, let's say a word about pronouns. We tried to avoid awkward “he/she, him/her, himself/herself”, moving freely from masculine to feminine. We hope that we have not neglected any gender in this regard.

Helping children cope with their feelings

Four rules

I was a wonderful mother before I had children. I knew very well why all people have problems with their children. And then I had three of my own.

Life with children can be very difficult. Every morning I told myself: “Today everything will be different,” and still it repeated the previous one. “You gave her more than me!..”, “This is a pink cup. I want a blue cup”, “This cereal looks like vomit”, “He hit me”, “I didn’t touch him at all!”, “I’m not going to my room. You are not my boss!

They finally got me. And although I even nightmares I never dreamed that I could do such a thing, I joined the parent group. The group met at a local psychopediatric center and was led by a young psychologist, Dr. Chaim Ginott.

The meeting turned out to be quite interesting. His theme was the feelings of a child, and two hours flew by. When I returned home, my head was spinning with new thoughts, and my notebook was full of random notes:

There is a direct connection between how children feel and how they behave.

When children feel good, they behave well.

How do we help them feel good?

Accepting their feelings!

The problem is that parents usually do not understand the feelings of their children. For example: “You really feel something completely different,” “You are saying this because you are tired,” “There is no reason to be so upset.”

Constantly denying feelings can confuse and infuriate a child. It also teaches them not to understand or trust their feelings.

I remember after the meeting I thought, “Maybe other parents do this. I don’t.” Then I started taking care of myself. Here are a few sample conversations that took place in my home in one day.

Child. Mommy, I'm tired!

ME: You couldn't get tired. You just dozed off.

Child ( louder). But I'm tired.

Me: You're not tired. You're just a little sleepyhead. Let's get dressed.

Child ( screams). No, I'm tired!

Child. Mommy, it's hot in here.

ME: It's cold here. Don't take off your sweater.

Child. No, I'm hot.

ME: I said, “Don’t take off your sweater!”

Child. No, I'm hot.

Child. This TV show was boring.

Me: No, it was very interesting.

Child. It was stupid.

ME: It was instructive.

Child. It's disgusting.

ME: Don't say that!

See what happened? In addition to the fact that all our conversations turned into arguments, I again and again convinced the children not to trust their feelings, but to rely on mine instead.

One day I realized what I was doing. I decided to change. But I didn’t know exactly how to take it on. What finally helped me the most was trying to look at everything from a child's point of view. I asked myself: “Suppose I were a child who was tired, hot or bored. And let’s say I would like an important adult in my life to know how I feel..."

Over the next few weeks, I tried to tune into what I thought my children might be experiencing, and when I did, my words seemed to come naturally. I didn't just use technical techniques. I really meant what I said: “So you still feel tired even though you just took a nap.” Or: “I’m cold, but you’re hot here.” Or: “I see you’re not particularly interested in this TV program.” Ultimately we were two different people capable of having two different sets of senses. None of us were right or wrong. Each of us felt what we felt.

For some time my new knowledge helped me great help. The number of arguments between me and the children has noticeably decreased. Then one day my daughter announced:

- I hate grandma.

She talked about my mom. I didn't hesitate for a second.

– You can’t say such terrible things! – I barked. “You know very well that you didn’t mean it.” So that I don’t hear such words from you anymore.

This little fight taught me something else about myself. I could accept most of the children's feelings, but as soon as one of them said something to me that made me angry or worried, I immediately returned to my old behavior.

I have since learned that my reaction was not strange or unusual. Below you will find examples of other things children say that often lead to automatic denial from their parents. Please read each statement and briefly write down what you think parents should say if they deny their child's feelings.

1. Child. I don't like the newborn.

Parents ( denying this feeling).

Current page: 1 (book has 11 pages total) [available reading passage: 8 pages]

Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish
How to talk to children so they learn

and Elaine Mazlish

with Lisa Nyberg

and Rosalyn Anstine Templeton

Illustrations by Kimberly Ann Soe

HOW TO TALK SO KIDS CAN LEARN AT HOME AND IN SCHOOL

* * *

A child understands the attitude of his parents and teachers towards him by the way they talk to him. The words of adults affect a child's self-esteem and self-esteem. The speech of adults largely determines the fate of a child.

Chaim Ginott

From the authors

This book was born thanks to the help of many people who believed in our success. Our family and friends helped us a lot. Parents, teachers, and psychologists from the United States and Canada told us about how they use communication skills at home and at work. Many talked to us, others sent letters. Joanna Faber taught in a city school for ten years and provided us with many moving examples from her own school experience. Bradley University and Brattain Primary School provided us with great support and assistance. We are forever grateful to our resident artist, Kimberly Ann Cowie, who again managed to sort through our quick sketches and breathe life and warmth into them. Necessary advice in right time given by our literary agent Bob Markel. We always felt the warm support of our publisher, Elinor Rawson, who always knew in which direction we should move next.

Finally, we would like to thank Dr. Thomas Gordon for the great work he has done in the area of adult-child relationships. Of course, we cannot fail to mention our mentor, Dr. Chaim Ginott. It was he who helped us understand why “every teacher must first teach humanity, and only then his subject.”

How did this book come about?

The idea for this book arose when we, two young mothers, came to the parent group of the famous child psychologist Dr. Chaim Ginott. After each lesson, we returned home together, and all the way there we were amazed at the effectiveness of the new communication skills we had just learned. We so regretted not owning them many years ago, when we worked professionally with children, one of us teaching in high schools in New York City, and the other teaching next door in Manhattan.

Then we could not even imagine what these studies would lead to. Twenty years later, the books we wrote for parents have sold more than 2 million copies around the world and have been translated into more than ten languages. The lectures we have given in almost every state of the United States and in every province of Canada attract many interested listeners. More than 50 thousand groups use our audio and video materials in countries such as Nicaragua, Kenya, Malaysia and New Zealand. For twenty years, we have constantly heard stories from teachers about how attending our lectures, taking our courses, or reading our books has benefited their work. These people literally demanded that we write a book especially for them.

An educator from Troy, Michigan wrote:

I have worked with unruly, at-risk students for over twenty years. I was amazed at how much new I was able to learn from your books for parents... Today, in the district where I consult teachers, they are developing new plan school discipline. I truly believe that the philosophy of your book will serve as the cornerstone of the new plan. Are you planning to write a book specifically for teachers?

School social worker from Florissant, Missouri wrote:

I recently introduced the program of your group seminar “How to speak so that children will listen” to parents in our area. One of the mothers, an educator herself, began using new skills in school and noticed that there were significantly fewer behavior problems in her class. This was also noticed by the school director, who was concerned about the increase in the number of punishments and expulsions from her educational institution. She was so impressed by the changes in our class that she asked me to conduct a workshop for all teachers.

The results were amazing. The number of “requests” for punishments and temporary suspensions from classes has sharply decreased. Children began to skip classes less often, and their self-esteem increased significantly.

A psychologist from New York wrote to us:

I was seriously concerned that more and more children were coming to school with knives and guns. I constantly think that increasing the number of security guards and installing metal detectors will not help us. It is important to establish effective communication with children. Perhaps if teachers had the skills you describe, it would be easier for them to help children deal with their difficult problems in a non-violent way. Would you like to write a book for teachers, school principals, PTA members, teaching assistants, school bus drivers, secretaries, etc., etc.?

We took these suggestions very seriously, but decided that we could not take on the responsibility of writing a book specifically for teachers. After all, we haven't been teaching for a long time.

And then we got a call from Rosalyn Templeton and Lisa Nyberg. Lisa turned out to be a third and fourth grade teacher primary school Brattain in Springfield, Oregon. Rosalyn trained future teachers at Bradley University in Peoria, Illinois. Both were dissatisfied with the widespread use of coercion and punishment for disciplinary purposes in secondary schools. Lisa and Rosalyn told us that they have been collecting materials for a long time to offer teachers alternative methods to make students more focused and disciplined. After reading our book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, they realized it was exactly what they needed and asked our permission to adapt the book for teachers.

During the conversation, it became clear that the experience of these teachers is very broad. Both women taught in urban, suburban and rural schools in different regions of the country, both had advanced degrees in education and taught various workshops for teachers. Suddenly, the project, the implementation of which we had put off for so long, seemed quite feasible. If, in addition to our own teaching experience and the materials with which teachers have provided us for twenty years, we can draw on the vast experience of these two teachers, then we may have a very useful book.

That summer, Rosalyn and Lisa came to visit us. We found from the very beginning common language. Having discussed rough plan books, we decided to present the material from the point of view of a young teacher who is trying to find a way to reach her students. In this image we wanted to combine our own experience. We also decided to use the same elements as in our previous books - comics, questions and answers and illustrated stories.

But the longer we talked, the clearer it became that if we are going to cover the entire problem of children's education, then we will have to go beyond the classroom and pay no less attention to the first teacher who is constantly present in the child's life, that is, the parent. Whatever happens at school from 9:00 to 15:00 is largely determined by what happens to the child before and after that time. No matter how good the intentions of the parent and teacher, if they both do not have the means to implement them, the child will grow up to be a failure.

Parents and teachers need to join forces and form a workable partnership. They need to understand the difference between words that demoralize or build confidence; lead to confrontation or promote interaction; deprive the child of the ability to think and concentrate or awaken in him a natural desire to learn.

It became clear to us that we have a huge responsibility to modern children. Never before have so many children been exposed to so many images of senseless cruelty. Never before have children witnessed that many problems can be solved by force, knives, shooting or bombs. Never before have we felt such an urgent need to show our children a realistic model of problem solving through honest and respectful communication. This is the only way we can protect the younger generation from violent impulses. When the inevitable moments of depression and rage arise, children may reach for a weapon, or they may choose the words they heard from people who play an important role in their lives.

It was with these convictions that we began our work. Three years have passed. We wrote and rewrote our book and when the manuscript was finished, we felt deep satisfaction. We have developed a clear and understandable set of tips on the topic “How to talk to children so that they want to learn both at home and at school.” We have given specific examples of relationships and words that will find a way to any heart in the learning process. We showed how to create an emotional environment in which children will not be afraid to perceive everything new and unfamiliar. We have demonstrated how children can be encouraged to take responsibility and develop self-discipline, and have developed many methods to help children understand who they are and who they can become.

We sincerely hope that our ideas will help you inspire and guide the younger generation on the right path.

“I” in our book – who is it?

We decided to write this book from the perspective of a fictional character - Liz Lander. She will speak on our behalf. Liz is a young teacher, just like we once were. She tries her best to reach her students and make them want to learn. We have all walked this path at one time or another. Liz will be our collective “I”.

Chapter 1
How to deal with feelings that affect your desire to learn

My decision to become a teacher was prompted by memories of my own teachers—both those I loved and those I hated.

I had a huge mental list of all the things I should never say to my students and what I should never do in class. I knew for sure that I had to be an infinitely patient and understanding teacher. During college, I came to the conclusion that I had to teach children in a way that made them want to learn.

But the very first day in the “real” class was a real shock for me. I planned everything, but I was completely unprepared to communicate with 32 schoolchildren. 32 students were sitting in front of me: they were full of energy, they had their own desires and needs and were constantly shouting. Half of the first lesson was spent arguing: “Who stole my pencil?”, “Leave me alone!”, “Shut up, I want to listen to the teacher!”

I pretended not to hear anything and continued the lesson, but the conflicts did not stop: “Why should I sit next to him?”, “I don’t understand what to do...”, “He hit me!”, “She started it first.” !

I felt uneasy; the noise in the class was growing. The words “patience and understanding” somehow disappeared from my mind. This class needed a teacher with an iron will and self-control. And then I heard my own words:

- Calm down! Nobody stole your pencil!

“You have to sit next to him because I said so!”

– I don’t care who started it first! Stop it immediately! Now!

- Why don’t you understand? I just explained everything!

– I can’t believe my own eyes! You are acting like first graders! Calm down immediately!

One boy didn't pay any attention to me. He jumped up from his desk, walked over to the pencil sharpener and began sharpening his pencil. In my most stern voice I ordered:

- Enough! Sit down immediately!

“You can’t force me,” he replied.

- We'll talk about this after class!

- I can't linger. I need to catch the bus...

“Then I’ll have to call your parents to school.”

- You won't be able to reach us. We don't have a phone. By three o'clock in the afternoon I was completely exhausted. The children ran out of the classroom and scattered into the streets. God bless! Now parents are responsible for them. I served my time.

I leaned back in my chair and stared at the empty desks. What did I do wrong? Why didn't they listen to me? What needs to be done to reach these children?

In the first months of my work at school, the situation did not change. Every morning I walked into class with high hopes, and by lunchtime I felt completely exhausted. To complete the required program, I had to put in all my efforts. But what tormented me most was that I was gradually turning into a teacher of the type that was most unpleasant to me. I became angry and irritated, commanded and humiliated my students, and they became more and more stubborn and stupid. Time passed, and I could only wonder how much longer I could stand it.

Jane Davis, the homeroom teacher of the next class, came to my aid. After I poured my heart out to her, she brought me her own copy of How to Talk So Children Will Listen, and How to Listen So That Children Will Talk.

“I don’t know if it will help you,” said Jane, “but this book literally saved me!” Without her, my own children would have driven me crazy long ago. And it became easier for me to cope in class!

I thanked Jane, took the book, put it in my briefcase and forgot about it. A week later I was in bed with a cold. There was nothing to do, so I opened the book that Jane gave me. The words in italics immediately caught my eye:

There is a direct connection between children's feelings and behavior.

When children have the right feelings, they behave correctly.

How can we help them experience the right feelings? You just need to understand and accept how they feel!

I leaned back on the pillow and closed my eyes. Can I accept my students' feelings? I began to replay in my head the conversations I had with my children this week.

Student: I can't write.

I: This is not true.

Student: But I can't think of anything to write about.

I: No, you can! Stop complaining and start writing.

Student: I hate history. Why should I care what happened a hundred years ago?

I: You care... It is very important to know the history of your country.

Student: It's boring.

I: No, it's not boring! If you are serious, you will be interested.

Marvelous! I always told my children about the right of every individual to their own opinion and their own feelings. But in practice, it turned out that as soon as the children began to express their feelings, I immediately suppressed them. I started arguing with them. The meaning of my words was in one simple phrase: “Your feelings are wrong, so you should listen to me.”

I sat up in bed and tried to remember. Isn’t that how my teachers talked to me? I was reminded of one time in my senior year when I got a bad grade and the teacher tried to calm me down.

“You don't have to worry, Liz,” he said. “It’s not that you don’t have a knack for geometry.” You just weren't concentrating. You had to focus entirely on the task. Your main problem is that you have wrong attitude to study.

He was probably right. He had the best intentions, but after this conversation I felt stupid and clueless. At some point, I even stopped listening to the teacher and just watched how his mustache moved, waiting for him to finally finish and for me to go home. Are my students experiencing the same feelings now?

Over the course of several weeks, I tried to be more sensitive to my students’ feelings and respond appropriately to them:

– Choosing a topic for an essay is really not easy.

– I know about your attitude to history. You don't understand why people care about something that happened so long ago.

It worked. I immediately noticed that the children began to behave differently. They nodded, looked me straight in the eye, and talked to me more. But one day Alex said:

– I don’t want to go to physical education class, and no one will force me!

That was enough. I didn’t hesitate for a minute. I stated in an icy tone:

– You will go to class or go to the principal’s office!

Why is it so difficult to recognize a child’s right to his own feelings? Over lunch, I asked the same question out loud. Jane and the other teachers were sitting at my table. I shared with them my thoughts about what I read in the book.

Maria Esther, a member of the parent committee, spoke out in defense of the teachers.

“You teach so many children,” she said, “and you have a lot to teach them.” How can you pay attention to every word you say?

Jane thought about it.

“If adults,” she said, “thought more about their words, then we wouldn’t have to “unlearn” a lot now. This needs to be acknowledged. We are all a product of our own past. We talk to our students the same way parents and teachers talked to us. I know this by personal experience. Even at home, with my own children, it is very difficult for me to abandon the old script. To move from “It doesn’t hurt. It’s just a small scratch” to “Yes, scratches can hurt!”, I had to work hard on myself.

Physics teacher, Ken Watson, was very surprised:

– Did I miss something? - he said. - I don’t understand what the difference is...

I was thinking, trying to find an example that would help Ken understand the difference, and then I heard Jane say.

“Imagine that you are a teenager, Ken,” she said. - And you just got accepted into the school team - basketball, hockey... whatever...

“To the football room,” Ken smiled.

“Okay, to the football room,” Jane nodded. – Now imagine that you come to your first training session, joyful and excited. And the coach called you aside and said that you had already been expelled.

Ken groaned.

“And then,” Jane continued, “you saw your class teacher and decided to tell her about what happened. Imagine that I am a teacher. I may react to your words in different ways. Put yourself in the child’s shoes and imagine what he will feel and think after my words.

Ken grinned, took out a pen and reached for a napkin.

Here are some situations suggested by Jane.

Denial of feelings

-You're upset about empty space. The world will not turn upside down because you were not accepted into the team. Forget it.

Philosophical reaction

– Life is not always fair, but you need to learn to take the blow.

Advice

– Don’t dwell on this failure. Try joining another team.

Questions

– Why do you think you weren’t accepted? Were other players better than you? What are you going to do next?

Protecting the other side

– Try to put yourself in the coach’s shoes. He wants to create a winning team. He has a hard time deciding who should stay and who should go.

Pity

- Oh, poor thing! I feel so sorry for you. You tried so hard to get on the team, but you couldn't. Now everyone will know about it. You're probably dying of embarrassment...

Amateur psychoanalysis

– Have you ever thought that you were actually excluded from the team because you weren’t in the mood for this game? I think that subconsciously you yourself wanted to leave the team, so everything happened correctly.

Ken raised his hands pleadingly.

- Stop! - he begged. - Enough! I understood everything.

I asked Ken if I could look at his notes. He moved the napkin towards me, and I read aloud:

“Don’t tell me how I should feel.”

- Don't tell me what I should do.

-You will never understand me.

– Shove your questions... you know where!

– You are ready to take anyone’s side, but not mine!

- I'm a loser.

– I will never tell you anything again!

“Wow,” Maria was surprised, “I tell my son Marco almost the same thing that Jane told Ken.” What should be done in such a situation?

“We need to recognize the child’s right to be upset,” I quickly answered.

- And how to do this? – asked Maria.

I didn't know what to say and looked at Jane for support. She turned to Ken and looked him straight in the eye.

“Ken,” she said, “it must be very difficult to be excluded from the team when you were absolutely sure that you were accepted.” You must be very upset!

“Yes,” Ken nodded. - It was a hard blow. I'm very upset. Honestly, it made me feel better that someone finally understood this simple thing!

After that, we all wanted to tell each other a lot. Maria admitted that when she was a child, no one understood her feelings.

– How can we give our students what we have never received ourselves? – asked Ken.

In order for a new reaction to children’s feelings to become habitual for us, we will have to practice a lot. I volunteered to offer a few more examples of how to respect students' feelings. Here's a short comic showing my examples. I showed it to my friends a few days later.

Instead of denying feelings...

When a student's feelings are denied, he quickly loses interest in learning.

Put your feelings into words

When negative feelings are validated and understood, the student willingly continues studying.

The teacher had the best intentions, but when the student is constantly criticized and given advice, it is difficult for him to reflect on his problem and accept responsibility.

Validate your child's feelings with words or interjections (“Yes?”, “Mmmm,” “I understand”)

A sympathetic and understanding reaction to the student’s distress, nods and confirmations help the child focus on his problem and even find a solution himself.

Instead of reasons and explanations...

When a student refuses to listen to common sense, this is very annoying. What to do in such a situation? Is there a way to help a girl overcome her reluctance to study?

Give free rein to your imagination, although you cannot do it in reality

When we translate a student’s desires into fantasy, it is easier for him to cope with reality.

Instead of ignoring feelings...

It is difficult for children to change behavior if adults completely ignore their feelings.

Recognize your child's right to feel, even if their behavior is unacceptable.

Children find it easier to change behavior when their feelings are understood.

Ken looked at my drawings and shook his head.

– In theory, everything sounds great, but it seems to me that this is an extra burden on teachers. How do we find the time to help children deal with their feelings?

Jane perked up.

“It’s not hard to find time,” she said. – Come to school early, leave later, spend less time on lunch and forget about the toilet.

“Of course,” Ken nodded, “and in between planning lessons, checking notebooks, preparing schedules and speaking at conferences (and between teaching as such), think about how your students might feel and how, in your fantasies, you can give them that which they cannot get in reality.

Listening to Ken, I thought: “Maybe I want too much from teachers...”

Jane seemed to read my thoughts:

– I know that the workload of teachers is very high. But it is very important for children to feel that they are understood. You know that when children are upset they... can't concentrate. They can't absorb new material. If we want to free their minds so they can think and learn, then we need to respect their emotions.

“And not only at school, but also at home,” Maria added understandingly.

We turned to her.

“When I was nine years old,” she said, “our family moved to another city, and I had to go to new school. I had a very strict teacher. When I did an arithmetic task, she would return my notebook, with all the wrong answers crossed out with large black crosses. She made me do the exercise over and over again until I got it right. I was so nervous in her classes that I couldn't think. Sometimes I even tried to copy answers from other children. On the eve of an exam, my stomach always hurt. I said: “Mom, I’m afraid.” And she answered: “There is nothing to be afraid of. Just try to do the best you can." My father also said: “If you have learned everything, you have nothing to be afraid of.” But these words made me feel even worse.

Ken looked at Maria with interest.

“What if your parents said, “This exam seems to be really bothering you, Maria”? Would you feel differently?

- Well, of course! – Maria exclaimed. “Because then I could tell them about the black crosses, about the shame I felt when I had to redo everything again and again in front of the whole class.

Ken was still skeptical.

“But could you get rid of your anxiety and do a better job in math?”

Maria thought about it.

“I think so,” she answered slowly, “if my parents had listened to me and allowed me to talk about my fears, then I would have gained courage and I would have wanted to study better.”

A few days after this conversation, we had lunch with Maria again. She smiled and pulled out small folded pieces of paper from her purse.

“Listen to what my children told me this week,” she said. – Imagine what I didn’t tell my children after our conversation. The first note is from my daughter Ana Ruth.

Maria unfolded the piece of paper and read: “Mom, the physical education teacher made me run an extra lap because I was changing clothes too slowly, and everyone was looking at me.”

Ken was the first to respond:

– You didn’t say: “What should the teacher have done? Should I praise you? Shall I give you a medal for being such a bigot?”

Everyone laughed, and Maria continued:

“And here’s what my son Marco told me: “Mom, please don’t be angry, I lost my new gloves.”

“Now it’s my turn,” Jane volunteered. - "What?! This month you are already losing your second pair. Do you think I'm printing money? In the future, when you take off your gloves, put them in your pocket. And when getting off the bus, check the seat and floor so that they don’t accidentally fall out!”

- What's wrong with that? – Ken was surprised. – You teach the child to be responsible.

– The time is incorrect.

- Why?

– When a person is drowning, it is not time to give him swimming lessons.

“Hmm,” Ken grumbled. “I need to think about this... Okay, now it’s your turn, Liz.”

Maria looked at the next piece of paper and said:

– This is also from Ana Ruth: “I don’t know if I want to continue playing in the orchestra.”

I almost jumped on the spot:

– You didn’t say: “We spent so much money on violin lessons, and now you say that you want to quit everything!” Your father will be very upset to hear about this!”

Maria looked at us in amazement:

- How did you all know what I almost said?

“It’s very easy,” Jane smiled. “That’s what our parents told us.” I find myself saying the same thing to my kids all the time.

“Mary,” said Ken, “don’t torment us.” What did you really tell the children?

“When Marco couldn’t find new gloves,” Maria answered, “I didn’t scold him.” I simply said, “Losing things is very unpleasant... Do you think you could have left your gloves on the bus?” He looked at me as if he couldn’t believe his own ears and said that he would ask the driver the next day.

Maria continued:

“And when Ana Ruth said that the physical education teacher made her run in front of the whole class, I replied: “You must have felt very awkward.” She replied: “Yes, yes!” – and then changed the subject, which is very typical for her, because she never tells me anything.

But the most amazing thing happened then,” Maria said. – After the music lesson, my daughter said that she didn’t know if she wanted to continue playing in the orchestra. She simply killed me with these words, but I restrained myself: “So you both want to play in the orchestra and you don’t want to?” Ana Ruth thought about it. And then she spoke, and everything became clear to me. She said that she liked playing the violin, but rehearsing took too much time. She hardly communicates with friends, no one calls her. She probably has no friends left at all. And then she cried, and I began to console her.

“Oh, Maria,” I said. Her words touched me deeply.

- It's funny, isn't it? – Jane asked. “Ana Ruth couldn’t tell you what was really bothering her until you acknowledged her right to her own feelings.”

“Yes, yes,” Maria nodded energetically. – And as soon as the real problem was revealed, Ana herself figured out how to help herself. The next day she said that she decided to stay in the orchestra and look for new friends there.

- This is wonderful! – I was happy.

“Yes,” Maria answered, frowning slightly. “But I only told you about my good deeds.” I didn't say what happened when Marco told me he hated Mr. Petersen.

“Oh-oh-oh... It’s hard,” I sighed. - You are all last year helped Mr. Petersen?

It seemed that Maria was in great pain.

- He is very good teacher, she whispered. - Very serious.

“That’s exactly what I wanted to say,” I explained. – You worked together. On the one hand, you wanted to support your son. On the other hand, you highly value Mr. Petersen, and you did not want to criticize him.

“Not only Mr. Petersen,” Maria nodded. – I’m probably a little old-fashioned, but I think that a child shouldn’t speak badly about teachers.

“But, having supported your son,” Jane intervened, “you weren’t obliged to condemn Mr. Petersen...”

Jane quickly sketched out her version of a typical parent's response to a situation where a child complains about a teacher. And then we all tried to come up with a useful dialogue together.

Our problem was to disagree with the child and not to humiliate the teacher. Here's what we came up with:

Accept and understand your child's feelings and desires

The bell rang. Ken took his tray and said:

– I’m not yet sure that all this is correct. Maybe this is suitable for parents, but it seems to me that it is enough for a teacher to be a worthy person, to love children, to know his subject and be able to teach it.

“Unfortunately,” Jane objected, leaving with him, “this is not so.” If you want to teach well, you need students who are emotionally willing to listen and learn.

I hurried after them, feeling that I needed to say something, but not knowing what exactly. On the way home that day, I thought back to our conversations that week and felt a new conviction brewing within me.

I wish I could tell Ken then:

The teacher's goal is not simply to convey facts and information to students.

“All we are given is the opportunity to make ourselves this way or that way.”

Jose Ortega y Gasset

Books in the series “Education according to Faber and Mazlish”

“How to talk so that children will listen, and how to listen so that children will talk”

This book is a reasonable, understandable, well-written and humorous guide to how to communicate correctly with children. No boring theory! Only verified practical recommendations and a lot of living examples for all occasions! The authors, world-renowned experts in the field of parent-child relationships, share with the reader both their own experience (each has three adult children) and the experience of numerous parents who have attended their seminars. The book will be of interest to anyone who wants to come to full understanding with children and stop “generational conflicts” forever.

“How to talk so teenagers will listen, and how to listen so teenagers will talk”

In their new book, the authors showed how, using their famous communication technique, to find contact with children of adolescence, build trusting relationships with them, and speak in such complex topics like sex, drugs and geeky appearance, help them become independent, take responsibility for their actions and make informed, reasonable decisions.

“Brothers and sisters. How to help your children live together"

When having another child, parents dream that the children will be friends with each other, that the older one will help the younger one, giving the mother time to rest or do other things. But in reality, the appearance of another child in a family is often accompanied by numerous childhood experiences, jealousy, resentment, quarrels and even fights.

“Perfect Parents in 60 Minutes.” Express course from world experts in education"

The long-awaited new product from experts No. 1 in communicating with children Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish! The 1992 edition is fully adapted to modern realities! In the book you will find: excerpts from the legendary Faber and Mazlish methodology - briefly the most important; analysis of difficult situations in comics; “correct reaction” tests; practical exercises to consolidate skills; answers to pressing questions from parents.

Ideal format for busy parents!

Acknowledgments

We express our gratitude to Leslie Faber and Robert Mazlish, our home consultants, who always helped us with a well-formulated phrase, a new idea, or a parting word.

Thanks to Carl, Joanna and Abram Faber, Katie, Liz and John Mazlish, who encouraged us to simply be there.

Kati Menninger, who supervised the printing process of our manuscript with the utmost attention to detail.

Kimberly Ko, who took our doodles and scribbled directions and sent us drawings of parents and children that made us feel warm.

Robert Markel for his support and mentorship at critical times.

Gerard Nirenberg, friend and advisor, who generously shared his experience and erudition.

Parents at our seminars for their written work and for their strict criticism.

Ann Marie Geiger and Patricia King, who helped us endlessly when we needed them.

Jim Wade, our editor, whose endless good mood and concern for the quality of the book gave us joy in working with him.

Dr. Chaim Guinott, who introduced us to new ways of communicating with children.

With his death, children all over the world lost their great protector. He loved them very much.

Letter to readers

Dear reader,

we never thought we'd write a "how to" parenting book about communication skills. The relationship between parents and children is very personal. The idea of giving someone instructions on how to talk to their child didn't seem quite right to us. In our first book "Free parents - free children" we tried not to teach or preach - we wanted to tell a story. The seminars we conducted over the years with late childhood specialist, psychologist Dr. Chaim Ginott, had a profound impact on our lives. We were confident that if we told the story of how new skills helped us relate differently to our children and ourselves, our mood would be conveyed to the readers, they would be inspired and begin to improvise themselves.

To a certain extent, this is what happened. Many parents, proud of their successes, wrote to us about what they were able to achieve in their homes just because of reading about our experiences. There were other letters united by a common appeal. People wanted us to write a second book with specific instructions...practice exercises...techniques...tear-off pages with reminders...something to help them master the skills step by step.

We seriously considered this idea for some time, but our initial doubts returned and we put the idea on the back burner again. We were also very busy and focused on the talks and workshops that were being prepared for our lecture tours.

Over the next few years, we traveled around the country conducting workshops for parents, teachers, school principals, medical staff, teenagers and workers social services. Everywhere we went, people shared with us their own thoughts about these new methods of communication—their doubts, frustrations, and enthusiasm. We were grateful for their candor and learned something from everyone. Our archive is filled to capacity with new and exciting materials.

Meanwhile, mail continued to arrive not only from the United States, but also from France, Canada, Israel, New Zealand, the Philippines and India. Ms. Anagha Gunpul from New Delhi wrote:

“I have so many problems that I would like to ask your advice about... Please tell me what can I do to study this topic in detail? I've reached a dead end. Old methods don't work for me, and I don't have new skills. Please help me figure this out."

It all started with this letter.

We started thinking again about the possibility of writing a book that would show “how” to do things. The more we talked about it, the more comfortable we became with the idea. Why not write a “how to” book and include exercises so parents can gain the knowledge they want?

Why not write a book that gives parents the chance to put into practice, at their own pace, what they have learned themselves or from a friend?

Why not write a book with a hundred examples of useful dialogue so parents can adapt the language to their own style?

The book may contain pictures that show the application of this knowledge in practice, so that anxious parents can look at the picture and quickly repeat what they have learned.

We could personalize the book. We would share our own experiences, answer common questions, and include stories and insights that parents in our groups have shared with us over the past six years. But most importantly, we would keep in mind at all times our main goal - the constant search for methods that affirm self-esteem and humanity in children and parents.

Once we decided on this, we started writing very quickly. We hope Ms Gunpool gets a free copy in New Delhi before her children grow up.

Adele Faber

Elaine Mazlish

How to read and use this book

We also hope that you will write down your answers so that this book becomes a personal reminder for you. Write neatly or illegibly, change your mind, cross out or erase, but write.

1
Helping children cope with their feelings

Chapter 1
Four rules

I was a wonderful mother before I had children. I knew very well why all people have problems with their children. And then I had three of my own.

They finally got me. And although I never even dreamed in my wildest dreams that I could do such a thing, I joined the parent group. The group met at a local psychopediatric center and was led by a young psychologist, Dr. Chaim Ginott.

There is a direct connection between how children feel and how they behave.

When children feel good, they behave well.

How do we help them feel good?

Accepting their feelings!

The problem is that parents usually do not understand the feelings of their children. For example: “You really feel something completely different,” “You are saying this because you are tired,” “There is no reason to be so upset.”

Constantly denying feelings can confuse and infuriate a child. It also teaches them not to understand or trust their feelings.

I remember after the meeting I thought, “Maybe other parents do this. I don’t.” Then I started taking care of myself. Here are a few sample conversations that took place in my home in one day.

Child. Mommy, I'm tired!

ME: You couldn't get tired. You just dozed off.

Child ( louder). But I'm tired.

Me: You're not tired. You're just a little sleepyhead. Let's get dressed.

Child ( screams). No, I'm tired!

Child. Mommy, it's hot in here.

ME: It's cold here. Don't take off your sweater.

Child. No, I'm hot.

ME: I said, “Don’t take off your sweater!”

Child. No, I'm hot.

Child. This TV show was boring.

Me: No, it was very interesting.

Child. It was stupid.

ME: It was instructive.

Child. It's disgusting.

ME: Don't say that!

See what happened? In addition to the fact that all our conversations turned into arguments, I again and again convinced the children not to trust their feelings, but to rely on mine instead.

Over the next few weeks, I tried to tune into what I thought my children might be experiencing, and when I did, my words seemed to come naturally. I didn't just use technical techniques. I really meant what I said: “So you still feel tired even though you just took a nap.” Or: “I’m cold, but you’re hot here.” Or: “I see you’re not particularly interested in this TV program.” Ultimately we were two different people, capable of having two different sets of feelings. None of us were right or wrong. Each of us felt what we felt.

For some time my new knowledge was of great help to me. The number of arguments between me and the children has noticeably decreased. Then one day my daughter announced:

- I hate grandma.

She talked about my mom. I didn't hesitate for a second.

– You can’t say such terrible things! – I barked. “You know very well that you didn’t mean it.” So that I don’t hear such words from you anymore.

1. Child. I don't like the newborn.

Parents ( denying this feeling).

2. Child. It was a stupid birthday. (After you've gone out of your way to make it a wonderful day.)

Parents ( denying this feeling).

3. Child. I won't wear the record anymore. I'm in pain. I don't care what the dentist says!

Parents ( denying this feeling).

4. Child. I was so pissed off! Just because I arrived two minutes late for physical education, the teacher did not include me in the team.

Parents ( denying this feeling).

You find yourself writing:

"This is wrong. I know that deep down you really love your brother/sister.”

“What are you talking about? You had a wonderful birthday - ice cream, birthday cake, balloons. Okay, this is last holiday, which was arranged for you!”

“Your record can’t hurt you that much. At the end of the day, we've put so much money into this that you'll be wearing it whether you like it or not!”

“You have no right to be angry with the teacher. It's your fault. There was no need to be late."

For some reason, these phrases come to our minds most easily. But how do children feel when they hear them? To understand what it's like to have your feelings ignored, try the following exercise.

Imagine that you are at work. The boss asks to do some extra work for him. He wants her to be ready by the end of the day. It's supposed to be something you should do right away, but because of a series of urgent tasks that have come up, you've completely forgotten about it. It's such a crazy day that you barely have time to eat lunch.

When you and some employees are ready to go home, your boss comes up to you and asks you to give him the completed piece of work. You quickly try to explain how busy you have been all day.

He interrupts you. In a loud, angry voice he yells: “I’m not interested in your excuses! Why the hell do you think I pay you to sit on your ass all day?” As soon as you open your mouth to say something, he says, “That's enough.” And heads to the elevator.

The employees pretend they didn't hear anything. You finish packing your things and leave the office. On your way home you meet a friend. You are still so upset that you start telling him what happened.

Your friend is trying to "help" you eight in different ways. As you read each response, tune in to the immediate spontaneous response and write it down. (There are no right or wrong reactions. Whatever you feel is normal for you.)

1. Denial of feelings:“There is no reason to be so upset. It's stupid to feel like that. You're probably just tired and making mountains out of molehills. It can't be as bad as you describe. Come on, smile... You're so cute when you smile."

Your reaction:

2. Philosophical answer:“Listen, this is how life is. Things don't always happen the way we want them. You need to learn to take such things calmly. Nothing is perfect in this world."

Your reaction:

3. Advice:“You know what I think you should do? Tomorrow morning, go to your boss’s office and say: “Sorry, I was wrong.” Then sit down and finish the part of the work that you forgot to do today. Don't get distracted by urgent matters. And if you’re smart and want to keep this job, you should be sure that nothing like this will happen again.”

Your reaction:

4. Questions:“What urgent matters led you to forget about your boss’s special request?

“Didn’t you realize that he would be angry if you didn’t start doing it right away?”

“Has this ever happened before?”

"Why didn't you follow him when he left the room and try to explain everything again?"

Your reaction:

5. Protecting another person:“I understand your boss’s reaction. He probably already has terrible time pressure. You’re lucky he doesn’t get irritated more often.”

Your reaction:

6. Pity:“Oh, poor fellow. It's horrible! I sympathize with you, I’ll just cry now.”

Your reaction: ______________

7. An attempt at psychoanalysis:“Has it occurred to you that the real reason you're upset is because your boss symbolizes the father figure in your life? As a child, you may have been afraid of displeasing your father, and when your boss scolded you, your early fears of being disliked returned to you. This is wrong?"

Your reaction:

8. Empathy (trying to tune into another person's feelings):“Yeah, it’s quite an unpleasant experience. To be subjected to such harsh criticism in front of other people, especially after such a workload, is not easy to endure!”

Your reaction:

But as soon as someone is willing to really listen to me, acknowledge my inner pain and give me the opportunity to talk more about what is bothering me, I begin to feel less upset, less confused, able to deal with my feelings and my problem.

I may even say to myself, “My boss is usually fair... I guess I should have started this report right away... But I still can't forgive him for what he did... Okay, I'll just come early tomorrow morning and write first thing. this report... But when I bring it to his office, I will let him know how upset I am that he talked to me like that... I will also let him know that starting from today“When he wants to express some criticism to me, I will be grateful to him if he does not do it in front of everyone.”

I read this book before the birth of my first child and now I’m back, expecting my second. If the book aroused delight and complete acceptance the first time, then over time problems emerged that it did not solve. I would like to attend the training and communicate directly with the authors :)

For example, I will cite the objections of my husband, who was given this book and which he read, but which does not work for him at all:
- why should I choose words if I say the SAME? (I translate: he doesn’t want to be unnatural, to pretend. In many examples from the book, indeed, the phrases are identical in meaning and different only in form. Only one is recommended for use, and it looks like training. But the most offensive thing is that even the correctly chosen " According to the book, phrases very often do not work)..

The main problem: if you accustom a child to such “artificial” communication (carefully selected phrases so as not to hurt him, recognition of feelings, even when in fact the child was guilty and acted very badly) - how will he perceive “normal” communication with "ordinary" people who are not used to talking like this? I don’t know how it is in America, but here in Russia, for example, a man, when communicating with a woman during her hysteria, is unlikely to use the phrases “I understand how you feel”; he would rather simply say “calm down, pull yourself together!” And this will only infuriate a woman brought up “according to Faber and Mazlish” (this infuriates me too). In short, the question is: shouldn’t we teach a child to be more psychologically flexible, or something, instead of always adapting, and also always using the same techniques and identical expressions.. I understand that ideally we should look for friends, a partner who would WE UNDERSTANDED everything, but 99% of life will not be like this, all people are different, communication is often forced (colleagues and boss at work), etc..

And finally, another objection from my husband: if I really DO NOT AGREE with the child, why should I pretend that I agree, etc. etc.

I understand that men are less patient, more infantile... But even I often want to shout, instead of repeating the “correct” words, when I am simply ignored. I would like to ask FATHERS: does the book “work” for everyone, does everyone maintain evenness in communicating with children, does this selection of phrases cause irritation (it is especially obvious in the “express course” of the same authors) and does everyone “break” themselves , portray the behavior of someone who is not who they are, and suppress their own feelings (irritation, desire to withdraw from the child) - for the sake of the child. Is this personal growth of the parent or... vice versa? I do not believe that it is necessary to punish, much less use despotic methods of education based on fear, the unconditional authority of elders and assault. But communication “faked” as a child seems somehow, on the one hand, manipulative in relation to the child himself, on the other hand, artificial in relation to the parents...

As an example, I read examples from my 6-year-old daughter’s book, asking what answer/phrase she would most like to hear from her mother in the situations described. Sometimes she didn't like any answer, often she chose the "right" one, but several times she chose the "wrong" one.... Makes you think.