Question to a psychologist
Hello. My husband and I have been married for 2 years and have a child. There are quarrels over his spending money on a car (buying all sorts of bells and whistles), on endless spending, on his inability to collect money, on his indifference (he spends a month on a business trip, and then returns and spends the weekend fishing, saying that he wants to relax. When asked why You can’t relax with your wife and little baby, he says that this is a different vacation, with all this, it is important for him that I say that I am not against fishing. My answer “decide for yourself” does not suit him), my dad is building a house for us and my husband is always shirking. helping him.. I don’t feel comfortable. And then a scandal happens. My husband immediately starts blaming me for everything (and I think that, for example, in the case of fishing, we can go once a month and devote the rest of the time to us, because the baby is growing so quickly). ), then he is rude and speaks obscenities to me. I admit, I also swear at him in my heart. Then we cool down and he pretends as if nothing happened. How should I behave in situations when he speaks obscenities and is wrong? so that he doesn't talk to me rudely? Keep quiet and leave? But he will act as if nothing happened.
Hello Tina!
Your letter shows your husband’s immature attitude towards his responsibilities. And, of course, swearing is unacceptable under any circumstances.
Tina, it is impossible to change another person. But this does not mean that nothing can be done in this situation. You can start changing yourself, and your husband will have no choice but to change with you. The main thing is that he has an interest in changing. And for this you need to become the kind of woman for whom he would like to grow and change. Think about what you would like to receive from your husband and start giving it to yourself. If you want attention, start paying attention to yourself; if you want respect, learn to respect yourself. A woman with self-respect will never allow herself to be insulted and will never stoop to insults. No one would even think of insulting her.
my dad is building a house for us and my husband always shirks from helping him.
Why does dad do this and not her husband? This situation contributes to the development of the husband’s childish position. He will never feel like a full owner in this house.
How should I behave in situations when he speaks obscenities and is wrong, so that he does not communicate rudely with me?
Start by feeling worthy of better treatment. Then stop the insults and demand an apology, and also discuss in advance what will happen if he allows himself to do this again.
Tina, relationships are constant work, first of all, on yourself. Our loved ones are our truest mirrors. And they mirror ourselves, our attitude towards ourselves. Personal changes do not happen overnight. But once you take this path, you will see wonderful changes in your life. And it’s better to go this route with an experienced guide, those who know where go. Such a person could be a psychologist or the leader of a personal growth group. By investing time, money and effort in yourself, you automatically invest all these resources in your family, in your child, who learns not from your words, but from your deeds. And the result of such efforts will be a happy, harmonious life next to loved ones and loving people.
All the best to you!
Perfilyeva Inna Yurievna, psychologist in Rostov-on-Don
Good answer 2 Bad answer 1Tina, hello!
Indeed, even close people can have different interests and priorities. And what is important to you may not seem important to your husband. No matter how offensive it may seem, every person is always guided by their interests.
The question is how to make sure that interests become common and shared by the couple - so that both you and your husband learn to negotiate.
To build harmonious relationships based on love and respect, it is very important hear loved one, understand what he is guided by.
And it is important, of course, to discuss all disagreements without swearing or insults.
I completely agree with my colleague - any change in life always starts with yourself.
In quarrels and conflicts, you often want to blame the other person - and shift responsibility for the situation onto him.
In this case, it turns out to be a bit of a vicious circle - you want changes, but you cannot influence these changes in any way, in the end nothing changes.
The solution is to take responsibility for the situation:
How can you change your behavior, words, tone to get a different reaction from your husband?
What can you do to help him spend more time with you and your daughter?
How can you influence him to be responsible for your home, your life, instead of your father?
Having created your family and given birth to a child, you both stopped being children. This means that the time has come to improve your life on your own, without expecting your parents to do it.
Here your father takes on the responsibilities of your husband - it is possible that both you, your husband, and your father do not feel very comfortable. It is important to “put everything in its place.”
And in such work, the most correct way is to start with yourself.
Every person in life encounters those situations for which he is ready, which fit his internal state, like a key to a lock.
If you change, your relationship with your husband will change.
No one can live your life for you, but you can make it the way you want. Every time I am surprised and happy at the positive changes that occur in the lives of people who decide to develop themselves.
So the choice is yours!
Help on the path of internal changes that will improve your family relationships can be obtained both in individual consultations and in open psychological groups.
Sincerely,
Kazimova Rimma Alexandrovna (Rostov-on-Don + skype)
Kazimova Rimma Aleksandrovna, psychologist in Rostov-on-Don
Good answer 3 Bad answer 0Misunderstandings arise from time to time in every family. If someone tells you that they never quarrel with their significant other, don’t believe it, this doesn’t happen. Disputes are a common occurrence in families. Each of the spouses is an individual with his own views...
Quarrels in the family
Misunderstandings arise from time to time in every family. If someone tells you that they never quarrel with their significant other, don’t believe it, this doesn’t happen. Disputes are a common occurrence in families. Each spouse is an individual with his own views on certain situations and his own values. In addition, psychologists have long proven that men and women look at things differently. Your task is not to be afraid of quarrels, but to try to ensure that they arise in your family as rarely as possible and do not destroy it.
It is not quarrels that kill feelings, but the grievances that remain after them.
How to avoid quarrels in the family
How can you avoid quarrels in the family? Many people ask this question, because constant scandals cause husband and wife to move away from each other. Learn not to raise your voice to your significant other. Often scandals arise due to the fact that a couple begins to understand a simple situation in a raised voice, this inflames passions and inflames conflict. Many problems can be solved simply by calmly talking, expressing your opinion and listening to your partner.
Life experience will help you understand how to avoid quarrels with your wife or husband. Usually, spouses, having lived together for more than one year, know that there are topics the discussion of which leads to a heated showdown (for example, a discussion of former partners or relatives). There is no need to constantly return to these topics, thereby provoking another scandal.
Quarrels in the family can be avoided if spouses learn to give in to each other in small things. According to statistics, most family scandals arise due to everyday issues. Resolving domestic disputes is very simple: you need to distribute responsibilities in the family. In any situation, look for a compromise; the solution to the problem should suit both parties.
How to behave after a quarrel with your husband
No matter how you try to protect your family from quarrels, you will not be able to completely eliminate them from your life. Probably every woman at least once in her life wondered how to behave correctly if there was a quarrel with her husband? It is important to internally forgive your soul mate, as resentment will eat you up, and this may push you to another loud showdown. Step away from your husband for a while. After time, when the emotions subside, you will be able to look at the problem differently: perhaps it will seem trivial to you. Start a conversation with your husband only when you have calmed down. Explain to him what offended you. If in a quarrel you also allowed yourself to say too much, then be sure to apologize.
How to behave after a serious quarrel with your husband if you were the instigator of the scandal? Wait a little until your husband calms down, “digests” the situation, and calm down yourself. Approach him with words of apology and love, offer to discuss in a calm atmosphere the issue that provoked the conflict.
How to make peace after a quarrel
How easy it would seem to be to make peace with your wife or husband after a quarrel: you just have to extend your hand to each other, meet each other halfway, but no - usually a tense atmosphere reigns in the house for more than one day. Problems need to be solved immediately, and you need to make peace right away, otherwise it may turn out that understatements and hidden grievances have alienated you from each other.
The first step to reconciliation is an apology. It’s not for nothing that they say that you need to be able to ask for forgiveness: the words should be sincere, and not sound like another accusation. Advice on how to make peace with your husband and how to make peace with your wife is somewhat different: after strong quarrel men prefer to be alone for a while (or just be silent) in order to sort everything out in their heads; whereas for women it is important to find out everything right away, and many representatives of the fair sex perceive the silence of a partner as a continuation of a quarrel. The path to reconciliation will be easier to find if gender differences are taken into account.
Psychologists advise spouses to first hug after a quarrel and then discuss controversial issues. This way you will feel the warmth of your loved one, remember how dear he is to you, and you will no longer want to return to the scandal.
How to improve relationships after a quarrel
Constant quarrels with your husband or wife are a vicious circle that will not lead to anything good, so you need to figure out what to do to get out of this situation and take action as soon as possible. Often the reason for regular scandals lies in the fact that the conflict that arose earlier was not completely resolved, and the relationship did not become the same. How to improve relations with your wife or husband after a quarrel? Everything is very simple: it is necessary to resolve the conflict situation to the end and not return to it again. If you don’t know how to start the first conversation with your husband after a quarrel, then just say: “I’m sorry. Let's forget everything." Words should not be at odds with actions: all offensive statements and accusations thrown out in the heat of the moment really need to be forgotten. Don't hold a grudge, and then everything will return to normal.
The spouse is constantly angry, often without reason, gets worked up over every little thing, is rude, as a result life together Every day it becomes more unbearable. And yet, despite this, you still live together because you love him and don’t want to leave him. But it is no longer possible to live with constant scandals and quarrels. How to prevent a quarrel or reduce it to nothing?
Living life is not a field to cross. This phrase can also be applied to family relationships. It is no secret that there are simply no families in life in which quarrels between spouses never occur. It's unpleasant, but true. Moreover, this phenomenon is inevitable. Only some couples after a quarrel can for a long time not to talk, and for others this phenomenon results in a huge scandal with breaking dishes. By the way, quarrels tend to arise during empty space(due to the garbage not being taken out, a dirty plate, dirty socks scattered around the apartment, or just ordinary fatigue, jealousy, etc.). Regardless of the cause, conflicts arise constantly, as a result of which people fight regularly and vigorously, and then greatly regret it. Why is this happening? And what should you do in this case?
Causes of quarrels.
In my dreams of married life we imagine it as a passionate and romantic lifelong relationship. But in reality, life makes its own adjustments. Over time, romance evaporates from once passionate relationships loving friend people's friend, giving way to endless everyday problems that put so much pressure on the nerves. And at one fine moment the couple may quarrel over any little thing so much that it will be considered a divorce the only way out from the current situation.
Constant quarrels and showdowns with her husband have a depressing effect on the body, cause depression and insomnia, reducing performance and quality of life. And the reason for this is the inability or unwillingness to give in or compromise with each other. We respond to aggression with aggression, anger, shouting, swearing - everything is used to prove that we are right. After everything calms down, often most couples cannot even remember the reason for the raging scandal, regretting and lamenting their inability to keep their own emotions under control.
Very often, the reason for aggressive behavior on the part of one of the spouses lies in his past. Namely, if such behavior was the norm in the relationship of his parents, then one should not be surprised that the person will behave in exactly the same way. He simply has no example of other behavior, without shouting, noise and scandals. He wasn't taught this. Another common cause aggression on the part of one of the spouses in a relationship is low self-esteem, when the other tries to assert himself at the expense of one.
Some factors, such as ordinary stress, illness, constant fatigue or physical discomfort can provoke an outburst of rage even in a very calm person. I won’t go far, for example, everyone knows the state of exhaustion after a hard day at work, especially in the summer heat, when your head hurts terribly and your whole body aches. At such moments it is quite difficult to be in a friendly mood.
It also happens that aggressive behavior arises on the way to the implementation of plans, when the other half creates obstacles to this. For example, he is very tired and wants to go to bed early, but you want to go to a club or movie and you drag him along with you. It is not difficult to guess that in most cases this situation ends in a strong quarrel.
Very often, a spouse takes out on his other half the grievances that were inflicted on him by someone else. For example, he received a “good” scolding from his boss, someone took his car’s usual parking spot in the parking lot, they were rude in the store, etc. As a result, for all this, he takes his anger out on his beloved woman, who fell under the hot hand. And in retaliation she simply answers him in kind. It is precisely because of such trivial moments that families most often break up.
How to avoid a quarrel?
Of course, you can find plenty of reasons to be angry. But each person has their own reaction to this, and most often it is relatives and friends who suffer. What to do then? How to deal with often causeless aggression and outbursts of rage without taking it out on loved ones?
It should be noted that even if spouses have been living together for decades, they still remain different people. It is impossible to do as your other half wants all your life. And that's okay. In this case, conflicts in the family are inevitable, but they can arise very rarely or take place in a milder form.
Remember, never, even with very strong desire to prove that you are right, do not quarrel with your spouse in the presence of relatives, friends, or simply in front of strangers. Inevitably, they will have to take sides in your conflict. And it’s not a fact that it’s on yours, especially if these are relatives and friends from your husband’s side. This will only fuel passions. In addition, you will put your friends in an uncomfortable position. In this case, it is better to calm down and postpone the conversation until a more convenient moment. In a calm state, having rethought everything, the cause of the conflict will be looked at from a different angle.
If a quarrel cannot be avoided, under no circumstances should you use insults and humiliate your husband, because a man’s pride is oh, how vulnerable! Such behavior can encourage the faithful to search for someone who will appreciate and respect him. And he will always be able to find one, no doubt!
To prevent a quarrel over a trifle, it is important to discuss every sensitive issue with him in a timely manner, without being afraid, to lay out everything that worries you. But you also need to “lay it out” wisely, having prepared in advance and clearly formulated everything that you intend to tell him. Only after this can you start a sincere conversation.
Before you throw accusations at your spouse, think about whether your spouse is really to blame? Maybe his action isn’t worth a damn, maybe it can be calmly experienced and forgotten? Very often, because of any trifle, we women work ourselves up too much, and then in a rage we throw out everything that has accumulated on a man. Therefore, it is better to wait a few hours before talking. Maybe, having calmed down, you will understand that the reason is not worth quarreling with your loved one.
If your spouse usually starts a scandal, try to talk to him frankly, heart to heart, to find out the reason for his such behavior. Perhaps this is what he expects from you. If you do not dare to have such a conversation, it is likely that he will find someone with whom he will be frank. And then he will go to her altogether. Forever.
Sometimes the reason for a husband's nagging and temper can be something specific. By observing it, you can figure it out and fix it. Well, if your husband is annoyed by literally everything, maybe then you should live apart for a while. Sometimes this helps, and relationships between spouses who have taken a break from each other begin to improve again.
In general, for quarrels to arise in family life as little as possible, it is important to immediately arrange family life and build communication with your loved one in such a way that any unpleasant mistake by each other seems like a trifle and could be calmly experienced. You can do some kind of sport together. This will not only relieve unnecessary stress, but will also benefit your self-esteem and your relationships. After all, nothing brings people together like a pleasant pastime.
The woman herself plays a big role in the frequency of family quarrels. Value yourself and don’t allow yourself to be humiliated or raised your voice for no reason. Maybe your confidence and ignoring his violent attacks will weaken the negativity splashed out at you. However, it should not be addressed to him either. negative emotions, and there should be no mocking notes in the tone of voice. Try to praise your spouse more often, but to the point, appreciating his merits. Try to accept the existing shortcomings graciously.
If a quarrel does happen, learn to reconcile correctly.
Reconciliation after a scandal with her husband.
Before you try to improve your relationship with your husband, you should wait a little to give him the opportunity to calm down and cool down yourself. It is necessary to comprehend everything, understand what happened, and only then act. Begin reconciliation first for many women, especially if conflict situation husbands are wrong, is something beyond the pale, unworthy. However, there is nothing wrong with taking the first step towards reconciliation. And if you are the initiator of the conflict, this must be done!
If the other half is not yet in the mood to enter into a dialogue with you, there is no point in putting pressure in this case. We should give him a little more time, let him cool his ardor. If, as you think, he has been sulking at you for too long, you can write him a letter, putting on paper everything that is difficult to say in person, looking eye to eye. And when the moment of personal communication finally arrives, you can let in not only kind words, but also gentle touches, stroking and kisses. This will perfectly defuse the situation and relieve the tension that inevitably arises at the beginning of the conversation.
If the spouse continues to remain silent for several days, you should use more original methods, for example, prepare a surprise. Just don’t need to use sexy lingerie or erotic games in this case. Conquer good attitude husband through sex - not very good idea. A man may take this as an insult, because this is an open hint that the animal instinct strong half humanity dominates everything else. And it looks, to put it mildly, vulgar. In this case, even if a man falls for your seductive behavior, after sex the irritation will return to him again. And everything will start all over again.
It could be a great surprise romantic dinner together. It doesn’t matter at home or in a restaurant, with quiet music, you can whisper words of love in his ear, tell him how sorry you are for what happened, that you want to forget it all as soon as possible. Finding the right words at such a moment will not be difficult. In such an environment, it is unlikely that any man can resist.
In general, you should talk more with your significant other, find out in a calm and interested tone what’s bothering him, talk about your love, which needs to be protected, and not destroyed by daily quarrels over an unwashed plate or the trash that hasn’t been taken out.
A marital relationship is like a living organism. They differ in the individual characteristics of their partners, their communication styles and other details, but they all have the desire to thrive. Relationships need to be grown like a flower, supported, given food, fresh air, love. They need to be developed, moving from one stage to another. A quarrel between partners is a clear illustration of the stress that is necessary for both. This is an ambiguous episode of marriage, like a disease. A mild cold that goes away in a couple of days, an illness with complications, or even death – a divorce.
Ordinary quarrel
It is not so important who is the real culprit of the conflict. Most often, the guy makes the first step towards you. How to make peace with your wife? First you need to pause. Setting priorities and understanding reality takes time. It is better to announce the timeout openly:“We need to cool down now, when I return, we will discuss everything,”
“Darling, the last thing in the world I want to quarrel with you, I was probably wrong about something. I just want to say that I love you.”
At a distance, you both will put your thoughts in order. Let the wait be a few minutes, even hours. A pause that is too long will make the situation worse.
Further discussion. You should listen to your partner and speak out sincerely. If she is hot-tempered and hostile, you will have to make a huge effort on yourself to avoid a scandal. Make it clear: you understand her and are ready to compromise. What should I tell my wife to make peace?
“Darling, I realized everything, let’s not cut from the shoulder.”
My action was dictated by the fear of losing you forever and jealousy.
You are so dear to me. Sorry for the offensive words.
I love it when you smile, let's not cut from the shoulder.
I'm sorry this happened, please forgive me. I sincerely hope that there will be no more such unpleasant incidents and stories.
Forgive me and don’t be angry, dear.
Speak, convince, be persistent. Keep excessive emotionality, impulsiveness, and temper to yourself. Patience plus prudence is the best “healing” scheme. Tactile contact will firmly anchor the world. Hugs, kisses or passionate sex? The main thing is that the initiative is appropriate, mutual, and sincere.
If the wife doesn't want to talk
Often, by falling silent, the wife does not want to put up. Here are some ideas for reconciling with a silent person:- Letter of confession. Poems, prose, snippets of thoughts, handwritten. Let it be “10 reasons why”. You need to write about your feelings, extol your loved one in the message, do not spare compliments, beautiful, sincere words. And at the end, ask for forgiveness for your misconduct or rude words that were spoken during a quarrel.
- Flowers. While in the next room, you can call the courier with a huge bouquet scarlet roses Include a small card with short text: “I love you! I'm sorry." Send a gift to work, leave a basket on the hood of the car - there are plenty of options.
- SMS. Trite, but effective. Nice words And creativity will make almost every offended lady smile.
- Reunion through the baby.
- Turn the child into a messenger. After all, from his lips, “Please forgive me, dad” will sound more touching than his own “I’m sorry.”
- Collaborative creativity. A huge cake, a postcard, a drawing, a piece of homemade soap in the shape of a heart by the hands of a little creator will make a sad mother smile.
How can I atone for my guilt before you?
I beg you: just don’t be silent.
After all, I, driven by this guilt,
I know no peace during the day or at night.
To be able to forgive is a great art,
And we have the right to make mistakes.
But the one who still believes in the power of feeling,
Will give a loving heart a new chance.
How I want to bring back the minutes,
To avoid all stupid mistakes...
Let's take a new route -
You can write another fairy tale!
You're sorry for what happened in the past,
I regret everything very much!
Let's think about good things
And let’s start with a clean slate!
My heart is torn to pieces...
Forgive me!
Don't hold grudges in your heart
Just let go!
I didn't want this quarrel
I swear to you
Do you want me to get on my knees?
I'll apologize again!?
I ask you to forgive me
Don't be angry, no need
There is no need for such quarrels,
We will live together!
Serious quarrel
There are complex, almost insoluble stories when it is easier to break a relationship than to repair it. Is it worth putting up with your wife in such a situation? An unforgivable offense, a humiliating betrayal - an unambiguous breakup?
They say infidelity is not forgiven. But life is so multifaceted that you have to make decisions that completely contradict your own feelings. It happens that a person is forced to forgive. Circumstances, children, powerful feelings... How to achieve forgiveness? How to make peace with an insulted wife after an accidental betrayal?
Much depends on you. When deciding to return the former favor of a loved one, the offender must pay careful attention to the smallest details.
Stages of reunification after a strong quarrel:
- COLD REASON. Cool down, decide to renew the relationship.
- SINCERE RECOGNITION. Don't play around, don't lie, be completely honest. Lies will ruin all your efforts; sincerity is your main trump card. Talk eye to eye about your “feat”, feelings of guilt, anxiety, regret. Choose your words carefully and emphasize that you are ready for revelation:
“I understand how I offended you. I really want to fix everything. Ready to listen and answer any question.”
“Darling, I understand that I hurt you, I myself am tired of these lies. I really want to fix everything.” - REGRET. Something irreparable has happened and it is impossible to rewind the film. But expressing repentance about this is the easiest thing to do. Three times honesty, faith in victory. It is important to look convincing: the outcome of the story depends on how well the conversation is structured.
- RETURN OF PREVIOUS TRUST. It's difficult, but you can try. Eliminate all contacts with your ex-girlfriend (from virtual to real) that cause jealousy. If necessary, change your job or environment so as not to meet that passion, and to prove to your wife that you will not return to your previous “relationship”. Cross out and put an end to “those” relationships!
- ROMANTIC MOOD. Show miracles of sensitivity, charm, and ingenuity. To surprise, delight, extol is the task of a guilty man. Try to restore warm intimacy.
Talk more often about how your wife is beautiful, cooks deliciously, good mom. But alone beautiful words not enough. Take the trouble to surprise with flowers and your favorite candies. Take on some of the responsibilities around the house; help with even something minor will help.
- Deed. From an enchanting original surprise to a simple, but very welcome one. This could be an orchestra with guest musicians, fireworks under the windows, or a gold decoration - a sign of recognition. Here, a lot depends on imagination, activity, the truth of feelings, and the size of your wallet. Although the cost of the event is often not important. Sometimes a poem read from the heart will outshine hundreds of paper bills.
- Transition to a new stage. During a romantic period, a guy may suggest moving in together: living together, sharing one bed, and then getting married. A married man can talk about his dream of having children (second, third, fourth). Move to new apartment, change city, country. Perhaps get married. Of course, fateful decisions must be made carefully and responsibly.
- Change of scenery. This option will discharge the high voltage of two loving hearts. It’s amazing how easy it is to take a walk through the streets at night and take it out into the countryside. If possible, go on a trip to the cities of your native country, to the shores of the warm sea. Moving away from the familiar, destructive: everyday life, everyday life, causes of quarrels, vanity. A couple in love will again plunge into an atmosphere of uncontrollable passion.
Common mistakes
- The best defense is attack? In this case, this is the worst model of behavior to shield yourself. It’s disgusting to get personal, to point out obvious shortcomings in appearance, household management, raising children, to hit one’s pride (“you’re a slob,” “a bad housewife,” “this is all because our relationship has become boring and has outlived its usefulness”). . By protecting yourself in this way, you wipe your feet on your own creation.
- Child manipulation. Call for peace, affecting the interests of the baby. Public quarrels (fights) and showdowns will not bring desired results, and will bring you even closer to divorce.
Never involve your own children in your swearing! Do not speculate on them, since in this situation they are already worse off than everyone else. No matter what happens, they don't deserve to suffer. They love both mom and dad and just want to see them nearby, to feel that all is well in their world.
- Escaping reality. Offend, yell, and then go on a binge out of grief. Drinking a lot, regular drinking is a 100% way to lose the remnants of respect.
- At the moment when a woman seems wrong to you, ask yourself: “Do I want to hurt my beloved?” Irritation and anger are a bad ally. Don't offend or cause pain to a loved one, swear.
- A sober approach. Control your emotions, control your anger - golden rule who wants to live happily ever after in the bonds of legal marriage. Humiliation, journey through weaknesses close - low. The sediment, the most vivid words will remain in the memory for a long time, like scars. At the wrong moment they will break out, destroying harmony.
- Make peace after the passions have subsided. Calm down, it's easier to find common language rather than being angry.
- Immediately stop provoking quarrels. It’s easy to turn a dangerous, alarming moment into a joke or play with a compliment. After all, from any everyday troubles a new scandal can flare up in the future.
If, for example, you scattered your socks and your spouse starts swearing again, jokingly answer that you just love watching her delightfully bend over to pick them up from the floor.
- Say no to comparisons. You are not Vanya, no best friend Petya. And your wife is not their wife. And if your friends often tell how one hit his wife, and nothing happened after that, another practices humiliation in communication, etc., there is no need to reach up to the “bar” of your friends, leave their negative exploits alone. After all, every woman knows her worth, and if the spouses of friends are ready to tolerate such treatment, let them suffer. And your wife probably doesn't deserve this. Love and appreciate your family. Live your life.
- Relationships are a 24/7 job, tireless work. Find compromises, make concessions, remember that the world is bad better than any war. Learn to live in harmony with yourself and your environment.
Only by holding hands tightly can you walk the colorful, bright, extraordinary path of life into a bright future. Many people live their lives going with the flow, while others set the direction for their own ocean of love. Pictures of waves, a quiet pier with a cozy house on the sandy shore. Conflict is just a disease. To heal, get better, or kill a relationship is the will of a person, a creator, an artist.
Popular wisdom goes: Dear ones scold - they just amuse themselves.
In fact, what family or couple manages to avoid quarrels, even trivial ones. Disagreements, quarrels, conflicts are companions of our lives, be it family, work, the situation on the roads or in transport, communication on the Internet. All this is accompanied by a large amount, the nervous system and human psyche suffer, and the risk of cardiovascular diseases increases.
Quarrels in the family
The main thing to remember during conflicts is: try to avoid a quarrel and do not be the first to vent your complaints on your opponent. If you are unhappy with something, try to say it in a polite manner; a well-mannered person will always understand you and the conflict will be resolved. If in front of you is a person who is far from such concepts, you cannot convince him with convictions, a quarrel is inevitable, it is important not to lose your dignity in it. You should not hurl insults, be rude, or yell hysterically; give only facts and arguments without emotions. And especially without assault!
Now let's talk how to avoid quarrels, and if they have already happened, then how to properly get out of the situation after a quarrel in a family environment.
First, you need to decide why the quarrel is starting in the first place. Although often hardly anyone thinks about it, as a rule, quarrels arise in cases of complete misunderstanding between the parties, when emotions overwhelm people and there are not enough words or arguments.
Causes of quarrels in the family
Of course, there are many reasons for quarrels and each family has its own. Rather, it is important to understand that quarrels in themselves are not so harmful; they should be accepted as normal phenomena how to let the truth be asserted in a relationship. This is so if they do not cause destruction, insult or worse than that, physical beatings. The causes of quarrels most often arise from the following positions:
- Affirming your opinion without taking into account the opinions of other family members. At the same time, disrespect for others is manifested, heated actions are expressed, offensive words are expressed, which often leads to long-term quarrels.
- Money. Their insufficient quantity or incorrect spending, inconsistency of one family member with another.
- Homework. A woman has a big role in the family, so she expects help from her husband, children, and parents if they live together. In the event that there is no support, a reason for quarrels arises.
- Jealousy. Often the cause of jealousy is mistrust between spouses. Therefore, it is important from the first days not to allow yourself relationships that can be interpreted as unacceptable. Don't give reasons and there will be no jealousy.
- Bad habits, most often associated with alcoholism. When the husband is late at work, he leaves home to visit his friends and companions, spending a lot of time there. At the same time, family finances are wasted and mistrust arises.
- Intimate problems. Dissatisfaction of one or both spouses in their sexual life leads to irritation and even nervous breakdowns,
Quarrels in the family - what to do
Quarrels between husband and wife are usually inevitable. It’s another matter if two or three generations of people live in a family. Very often their interests, life positions, views and habits are radically opposite. It is important to remember that adults cannot change the habits of youth. Remember yourself more often, because you, too, were not so wise, economical and pragmatic.
Often the mother-in-law is picky about the actions of her daughter-in-law, and the mother-in-law is picky about the actions of her son-in-law. This is understandable, different time categories, ideas, views of attitudes towards things collided. The main thing to understand is that it is not forbidden to teach your family, but there is no need to lecture... And remember that it is easy to destroy a relationship with nagging and unfriendly looks - it will not be repaired later. Learn diplomacy, be wiser and kinder, and then there will be peace and understanding in your family!
Let's highlight a few rules on how to behave during a quarrel so as not to make any mistakes and end it with the least losses.
How to behave in a quarrel
- Try not to be the first to start a quarrel, restrain yourself in every possible way and calmly state your complaints. This, firstly, will allow the enemy to behave in the same way, and secondly, you will look appropriate and will not turn into a person choking in hysterics. Remember the rule: “Whoever shouts is wrong.”
- When making a claim to your partner, state your grievances and try not to talk about him in a tone: “You’re always to blame...”, “You always do everything wrong...” use words that relate to you: “It’s hard and unpleasant for me when...” “I It’s a shame to hear from you...” In the first case, you present an ultimatum, in the second, you talk about your pain, your grievances. The difference is obvious, and the reaction to your statements will be much more productive.
- Respect your opponent, knowing his sore spots, never reproach or remember those facts that are purely personal for him and cause pain or suffering for him and his relatives.
- Do not sort things out in the presence of children, parents and strangers. You will make peace, but those present during your quarrel will have a negative aftertaste. Especially with parents, because it is known that parents love their children with unconditional love and may be biased, which will affect their relationship with their daughter-in-law or son-in-law in the future.
- During a quarrel, there is no need to remember old grievances; say only what relates to the current situation, otherwise the quarrel can turn into a huge scandal.
- Do not strive to have the last word; in a quarrel, it is not the victory that is important, but the result of jointly made decisions.
- Remember what consequences a quarrel will bring to your relationship, how it will affect the other party’s attitude towards you, do not forget the main postulate: that it is more important for you to be right or to be loved. For yours correct behavior you will be rewarded!
How to start reconciliation
So the quarrel happened, it’s time to make peace. It must be said right away that the first to take a step towards reconciliation is the one who is mentally and psychologically stronger.
- Of course, first you need to calm down, analyze everything that happened, think it over and learn lessons from what happened.
- Reconciliation needs to begin as soon as possible, as soon as the offense has subsided. Do not delay for a few days; the longer your alienation lasts, the more difficult it is to start peace.
- Ask for forgiveness if you think that you are to blame for the quarrel, if you think the other party is to blame, but she does not take the first step, you take it with the words “I’m sorry that I didn’t understand you...” or “I’m sorry that this happened...” It is unlikely that anyone will respond to such words with a refusal to peace. It is always difficult for the first to take a step; pride does not allow it. But if you think about it, what does pride have to do with it when it comes to two loving people?
- You don’t know how to start, you can’t say the words “I’m sorry...” because you are less to blame for the quarrel? Then, just remember something fun, relaxed, tell a joke, turn on your favorite music. Prepare a delicious dish that the other party loves, do something healthy, good, which has long been expected from you... Help the quarrel leave your relationship if you think that the other half of the conflict is committed to peace, but does not dare to do so.
And finally, it is better not to bring matters to the point of abuse, but it is still better than accumulating grievances and pain within oneself, the stagnation of which can lead to a breakdown and worse consequences. A quarrel should not be a reason for destruction, but for the creation of a new world between loved ones.
In conclusion, an excerpt from a poem by Nadezhda Moger, the words of which are very useful here; I think they are well known to poetry lovers:
... ... ...
Eat<сейчас>. Look into your eyes
And penetrate into the soul,
If the heart is troubled by sadness -
Give free rein to your tears
Learn to forgive and understand
