The relationship between a man and a woman has always been the subject of debate among many scientists. Finding information about different forms and types of relationships for everyone is not difficult.
Recently, social networks have helped us decide for ourselves the type of relationship with our partner. All girls like to put some specific marital status on VK, but not all guys. Today we would like to talk about Vk’s marital status and its types.
The situation is quite understandable when a guy has no idea that a girl has some feelings for him... But it is completely incomprehensible when a girl herself cannot understand or decide who she is friends with, who she is dating, who she is engaged to, or who she is marrying. . A fairly typical situation is when female and male representatives do not want other people to know about their personal lives. This is done for two reasons. Either they don't want their lovers to understand that they are not the only one, or they are so confident in themselves that they simply don't care what their loved ones think about their marital status. Marital status on VKontakte may look like this: married (not married), married (not married), has a friend (girlfriend), dating..., engaged (engaged), everything is complicated, everything is complicated with..., actively searching. So, no secrets! Let's look at everything in order.
- So, marital status is “married/single”, “married/not married”. With this marital status everything is clear. People who love each other decided to start a family and consolidate their relationship by marriage. After all, marriage is, in any case, always good (both for the couple themselves and for the state). This family situation always causes affection. But there are some funny cases here too. When you go to the page of some Wild Cat, and see that she is married to some “Boy from the Area”. You look at their pages and with a smile on your face you realize that they are both schoolchildren, and moreover, they are in the eighth grade. Probably half of the married or married friends on VKontakte are just child's play. Well, maybe not half, but a quarter.
- As for the position “not married”, this is, in principle, the same as in “active search”, since, in this case, users do not indicate in any way that they have other halves. And other users on the social network consider them free. But, perhaps, the situation is that “there is a friend, a girlfriend,” with whom everything is complicated, and in order not to put the position “everything is complicated,” they put the position “not married (not married).” Also an option.
- Let's move on! Marital status: “has a boyfriend (girlfriend).” This situation implies either that the couple is just beginning their relationship, or that they have no serious intentions for the future. Also, for some this position means open relationship. For everyone - their own.
- There is also the marital status “Dating…”. It’s a bit similar to the “there is a friend (girlfriend)” situation. Just no open relationship.
- Marital status “engaged” - usually this position is given to those couples who love each other, perhaps live together, and who are thinking about a future together. In this case, marriage is either not considered at all, or the guy has already proposed to his beloved and they are getting married soon.
- And the last one is the marital status “everything is complicated (everything is complicated with...).” This position is not always clear, since it is impossible to understand what is in a person’s head. It is possible that the couple had a fight, and one of them decided in this way (by changing his marital status) to tell everyone about it. In general, we wouldn’t advise you to put your marital status in such a situation; why bring quarrels out of public view?
- Marital status: “actively searching.” This marital status is mainly chosen by either those users who are confident in themselves, or, conversely, who are very shy. When you put yourself in this position, be prepared for new acquaintances, friendship offers and everything else.
A girl from the audience asks for a microphone and tells her story: “I have a problem in my personal life. I am not married, I have no children. There are only relationships that don’t work out, but have lasted for 3.5 years.”
“Is this the first relationship that doesn’t work out,” Oleg Georgievich immediately clarifies, “or was there something similar before this?”
It happened three times.
External circumstances are clear. What feelings are you experiencing?
On at the moment- sadness, melancholy, depression, disappointment from relationships. We speak different languages with this person, everyone sees the relationship from their own perspective.
What is this difference?
My parents divorced when I was 7 years old. I was raised by my mother. I am very grateful to my parents for the fact that I was not bossed around. U young man the situation is different, his motto is: “As I said, so it will be!” I am a freedom-loving person, but if a person is dear to me, I am ready to change. But when they don’t listen to my wishes, it is very painful for me.
That is, when he demands from you what you should be in a relationship, is it painful for you? But, nevertheless, you endure it for three and a half years. What motivates you to stay in this relationship?
Fear, because why look for some other relationship if my problems are repeated, and each time it gets worse and worse?
That is, life itself, the Higher Power, intensifies this problem, because you do not learn some internal lesson that is in it. You said that you are a freedom-loving person and do not tolerate pressure. But it turns out that life again and again sends you into a relationship with a man who puts pressure on you?
Yes. In this last relationship, the pressure became even greater.
Each time it occurred, how did you feel?
Frustration, feeling of instability, lack of faith in the relationship.
What are you waiting for?
From a man I expect care, support, so that I can talk to him as a friend, so that I can be accepted for who I am, without changing me.
Did you feel a similar attitude from your mother?
Why am I being accepted? Yes.
That is, you received this from your mother. And from your father?
You know, even after the divorce, he came to us for 13 years, communicated, showed me attention.
How did you feel at this time?
Great pain since he had different women, I was forced to get to know them. I had hysterics, I tried to reconcile them with my mother.
Did you also feel your mother's pain? When his relationship didn’t work out, did he come to his mother and tell her about these problems? That is, he kept her close to him, but did not build a deep relationship with her? Those feelings that you experience now, in your situation, there, in childhood, when did you experience them?
It's like I'm being torn apart...
How do you feel in a relationship with a man now, and how does this remind you of what happened then?
There is no stability and faith that you can build a family. There is a fear that he could change at any moment. At the age of 19, I had a quarrel with my parents, I rejected all the advice they gave me.
Essentially, you have rejected your parents as authorities in family life. “My father found suitors for me, but I said that I didn’t need to force anyone on me, that I would choose myself. And he said that since I don’t want to listen to him, we will stop communicating. I'm offended that he couldn't accept me for who I am. - Did he reject you for your mistakes as a person?
It turns out so.
Oleg Georgievich sums it up and draws important conclusions from the described situation: “So, Marina told us that in relationships with men she experiences the same emotion again and again. She is waiting to be accepted for who she is, and again and again they do not. And we discovered that there is a primary emotion - this is the expectation from the father that he accept his daughter for who she is. There are certain situations in which these primary problematic feelings arose.
There are things that you hide from yourself, you close yourself off from them because they are painful. I don’t want to look at these situations, I don’t want to be aware of them. We, as a holistic personality, have needs, basic, natural, original desires. For example, receiving love from mother and father and giving love to them. There are various other needs.
Many psychological problems arise when you, having certain basic needs, due to experiences, failures, pain, at some point forbid yourself to feel them. In a sense, this is natural, because when you express them and do not find a response, you experience pain again and again. The displacement mechanism is turned on.
You have forbidden yourself basic feelings, but they exist, a person cannot live without them. So they start looking for workarounds. They go into other areas. Then we see problematic situations where you again and again want to get what you have forbidden yourself. The rejected need manifests itself again and again. You need to accept the right to receive your father's love, for example.
Only with deep inner work can difficult situations on the external plane be resolved.
Video version of the training"Life Scenarios".
An excerpt from the materials of the transcribed version of Oleg Gadetsky’s seminar “Life Scenarios”. (Author of the article - Larisa Kokstova)
Let's figure out where the legs of our serious statements and “complicated cabbage soup” come from?
We need to end this once and for all. No one says that life will present its gifts to you on a saucer with a border of the color that is trending this season, but when we deliberately define our actions as “difficult,” we, logically, either:
a) looking for easy ways that may not be the best alternatives. We will call this the word “cheating” (English cheat - to cheat, deceive);
b) we are looking for ways to avoid this altogether.
What are the ways to overcome this bad habit?
Deceive your laziness
Rephrase the word “difficult” into the call “difficult, but possible” and after these magic words get down to business.
Not “difficult”, but “interesting”
You can ask yourself the question: “I wonder if I can handle this?” And then it is more logical to test this in practice rather than say the sacramental: “But, of course, I won’t do this.”
Satisfied - armed
Think about it, even if you think the task is not so simple, completing it will bring you much greater satisfaction and pride in yourself. Do you agree?
Support group
In addition to our own emotions, we are always greatly inspired by how others react to our achievements. In their minds, what is difficult for you may be EXTREMELY difficult for them. Then we use a technique that I call “watch and don’t blink.” You focus the attention of others on yourself: “Yes, it’s difficult, but look how easily I can handle it.”
What do we get besides our own satisfaction? Right! Recognition, admiration or support from others.
Motivation from the opposite (and from the opposite)
By the way, for many, the most powerful motivator is precisely “people’s lack of faith.” When they say: “Who? She? I beg you, she won’t succeed, she’s a weak-willed gray mouse, people like that never get their way!”
In response to this breeze of disbelief, such a tsunami of motivation can break out that you never dreamed of. But there is only one drawback: such motivation may not be long-lasting, since we overcome difficulties not for our loved ones, but for someone else.
Eliminating the words “difficult” from our vocabulary
Yes, this may seem strange or ineffective to you. Even if at first you replace it with the synonym “not easy,” believe me, psychologically it is much easier to take on the difficult task (no matter how tautological it may sound).
Marital status
Oh, these are for me VKontakte statuses. Those in the “marital status” column. In theory, they are designed to reflect the real essence of what is happening. In reality, what the hell is going on.
To be clear. “Married” - clear. “Meets with...” is also understandable. “In love means the other party is lazy to post a response status, or she simply doesn’t devote much time to social networks. But the notorious “Everything is complicated” is really complicated. But in reality everything is easy. And this status is not needed at all. If you understand what it really means.
This status—and this is my subjective opinion, which I intend to defend in this article—is assigned to either teenagers who attract attention (well, everything is complicated for them. I remember my adolescence– there’s trouble on top of trouble, so), or people who don’t understand that there are “relationships” between people. I mean love relationships.
In general, relationships either exist or they don’t. All. There is no third option. I am writing this article because I had quite a lot of experience different relationships: from outright violence to complete harmonious idyll, as it is now in (we will celebrate 8 years in mid-June). Because “what is good and what is bad” - I’ll tell you now.
In normal relationships, people talk to each other. Not always. They may even remain silent. When they are comfortable with it. But there are no one-sided pouting, no ignoring for more than half a day, no boycotts for days. Normal adults loving friend friend, people talk through difficult situations, solve conflict situations, discuss the difficulties that have arisen. Even with scandals, they talk about it. Avoiding problems and turning a blind eye to difficulties (and they will be in any, even the most harmonious relationship!) is a sign of unhealthy couples.
Loving people will not start parallel relationships. At least obviously. Or it will be some one-time intimate connections, but not another relationship. Working on two fronts (or even three or more!), giving yourself to two people, will not work. Unless “free love” is accepted in your family. And it is rarely really and consciously accepted by both sides.
In a loving couple there is emotional mutuality. You for me, I for you. Love, compliments, support, sympathy, empathy and other similar emotions are given to each other and received by each other. If a couple goes (when one only gives, and the other brazenly receives), then this is not normal relationship. Such relationships are called “One loves, and the other allows himself to be loved.” And don’t be fooled by the fact that “it’s always like this in a couple.” Not always, and not for everyone. This phrase was invented by those for whom it is very convenient. Guess what position they take? Taking or giving?
It is clear that the presence of physical violence in the family does not immediately mean a relationship. Damn, this is not “everything is complicated”, this is in reality “it’s impossible to live.” Beating does not mean loving, but that means it is a criminal offense. About misogynists, in whose families it most often happens domestic violence, I wrote.
In a loving couple there is sex life. If it is not present or happens extremely rarely, then this happens only by mutual agreement of the parties. Those. Both sides are happy with this situation. Normally, in a loving couple, sex is simply present naturally. There are no “I’m so tired” or “I don’t want you anymore.” Or the couple works through the sexual problems that have arisen with the appropriate specialists.
Not present in a loving couple. It is not necessary that people will give to each other financially equally, but - again - the distribution of material resources suits both. For example, a man can earn a lot, a lot of money, and his wife can’t work at all, but at the same time the man is satisfied with her status as a housewife, a washed house, fresh borscht and neat clothes that her mother takes care of all day. If one party constantly gives away material resources, but is not satisfied with the return, this is a mess, not a relationship. It often happens that a woman works 2-3 jobs, buys groceries, cooks, washes, cleans, fusses with the children, and her husband is glued to the sofa in an eternal search for a job that is ghostly for him, and helping around the house is “not a man’s job.” "
In all of the above cases, people may well set the status “everything is complicated” in the hope that the situation will improve. But in fact there is no relationship. What is happening at the moment is not a relationship. This is a habit, abuse, consumerism, temporary benefit (we are already like neighbors to each other, the love is gone, but for now it’s convenient for me to live in his apartment), the stage of separation, the cooling of one of the partners. That's what it is.
Therefore, at least be honest with yourself. Relationships either bring mostly joy and satisfaction, or there are simply no relationships. Anything that brings more disappointments, grievances, losses and does not want to get better (despite efforts) must be broken up. And the sooner the better.
As you can see: globally everything is not so complicated.
What does the “actively searching” status mean? Why does one person list their marital status as the person they are engaged to, but that person's marital status is empty? It's time to find out these and many other interesting reasons for the virtual behavior of homo sapiens.
Statuses and quotes on social networks sometimes characterize us much more reliably than it might seem at first glance. “Actively searching,” as we understand it, is a very bright status. It expresses not only the literal meaning, but also the desire to attract attention. This is an attempt to improve your self-esteem. This status expresses the desire to feel “needed” in the virtual environment. Also, the status “actively searching” is often chosen as an anesthetic for mental wounds received during a recent dramatic breakup.
There is also a category “in passive search,” but on social networks it looks like “single” or “single.” Of course, this reflects, first of all, the legal, real status of a person, but the emotional background (or quality of relationships) that is hidden behind this simple phrase is impossible for a psychologist to ignore. Certainly, “single” and “single” are one of the more interesting categories among marital status statuses. For example, a girl is dating a guy, but not yet married. She reports that she is free, but in reality, as we understand, this is not the case.
It happens the other way around. A young woman does not live with her husband, say, due to a desperate lack of mutual understanding, but does not dare to change her “married” status. Chances of meeting more a worthy alternative to create family well-being consciously lowered by it. Life is truly a complicated thing.
What does it mean when he is “married”, but her column is empty? If this circumstance corresponds to the legal situation, then, you will agree, this is much more serious than “dating” or “has a girlfriend.” The man is very pleased and is ready to shine with this status to the whole world, but it seems that his lady does not share such jubilation. Why? The dominant in the family is in clawed hands with a bright red manicure, and the woman is not proud, does not value the person she is married to. And he, the one you can sympathize with, is happy that he has such a great wife. At best, she does not share his love for social networks, although this is a weak attempt to explain this phenomenon.
He writes “dating”, she writes “single”. He shines, and she is in passive search. But when two young people have mutual statuses of “married” and “married”, but they have not yet been legally defined, then perhaps they will start a family, yes, such a development of events has a very high percentage of probability. But if this status suddenly disappears or attempts to turn into “dating,” then, most likely, the castles in the air have come to an end; this is an alarming signal for the relationship (not to mention the prospect of starting a family).
