Anya fell head over heels in love with the man of her dreams. Handsome, gallant and very independent. “You’ll be behind him like behind a stone wall,” her friends told her. Kirill was older than her, he looked after her beautifully: he showered her with flowers, took her to restaurants, entertained her and anticipated her slightest desires. However, of all her desires, she soon had only one thing left: never to part with him. And therefore, when he proposed to her and they got married, Anya was happy and filled with gratitude. For his sake she rushed from work (to meet him, to feed him), for his sake she turned the house into a cozy nest (he needs to relax, rest), for his sake she gave up all business trips and corporate parties(how will he be left alone, without her care!).
The result was not long in coming. True, he was not quite what Anya expected.
At first, Kirill was amazed and thanked her profusely: “You are the first woman in my life who cares about me so much.” Then I got used to it. Then he began to be surprised if she forgot to give him a clean shirt or make his favorite pie. Then he began to get irritated and one day said, fixing his eyes on another detective story: “You crushed me with your concern.” Anya just sat down... She didn’t sleep all night, remembering the beginning and continuation of their relationship and came to a disappointing conclusion: the more she looked after Kirill, the more distant he became. She recalled his excuses, which she had not previously attached importance to: “Honey, you can do this better...”, “I can’t waste time on this, organize it yourself...”. And then she summed it up sadly: “I spoiled him myself, I need to take urgent action.”
THE FRUITS OF YOUR LABOR
However, not only Anya, many of us, remembering the wonderful beginning of our love years later, shrug our shoulders in bewilderment: “Where did that caring person, ready to rush into fire and water, go? How could he turn into a lazy creature lying in front of the TV?” Although outside of home, in the world of his work, he is the same: active, collected and even proactive. And one day the burden lying only on women’s shoulders becomes too heavy.
Now the woman is not silent, she begins to protest, to explain to her native man that it is impossible to continue living like this. She conflicts, convinces him, but he DOES NOT UNDERSTAND! Or DOESN'T he want to understand? And then some of the women give up and continue to silently carry the burden of worries for their “ big boy“, while others break up with such amorphous men in order to find others, affectionate and caring...
They find it... and, alas, history repeats itself. And unknown to us, fair half of the human race, that we ourselves make our man this way. We indulge his natural laziness, allow him not to help and not to participate, to lose and forget, to quarrel and sulk, and shout and whine. And we get the FRUITS OF OUR LABOR - a kind of “big son” who diligently tires out his loving “mommy”. After all, we ourselves often quite consciously behave towards men like mothers when we want to earn their love.
UNIVERSAL METHOD
Inside every man, no matter how old he is, there lives a baby who has been accustomed to female attention and care since childhood. His mother took care of him, teachers and educators took care of him... And now, when he, already an adult, is being nurtured by a woman, he emotionally seems to return to his carefree childhood. Damn good feeling! Therefore, he allows his wife to play the role of mother in his life. The man bites like a fish on a decoy. It turns out that a “motherly” attitude is a way to get for yourself the right man. And then instinct screams: “Take care of the one you love!”
The man quickly gets used to the sweet life. It may even seem to him that without “mommy” he will completely disappear. This is how a woman binds her beloved man to her. Getting used to receiving more than giving, the man gradually abdicates responsibility and the woman has to spin more and more on her own. And keep an eye on your beloved. What if he forgets everything, confuses everything, or dies of hunger? A man loses initiative and gives the reins of power to a woman. (Moreover, it’s easier for him to live in the role of a “son.”) So a woman, having entered the role of “mommy,” inevitably begins to control her beloved man.
WHAT WAITS FOR “MOMMY”?
The roles of “mother” and “son” may, at first, look very attractive for both lovers. But gradually this “role-playing game” begins to destroy the relationship “beloved man - beloved woman.” Why?
FIRST, you will get tired of being a workhorse (or abandoned, which is not sweeter). You will begin to grumble, nag, and suffer.
SECONDLY, any man feels like an accomplished person if he has asserted himself. He wants to demonstrate to the world (and especially to the woman he loves) how talented, smart, businesslike he is, and capable of taking responsibility for himself and his loved ones. And you treat him like a mother. His self-esteem is damaged. Sooner or later, a man will get tired of feeling like an inferior teenager and he will rebel. For some it will look like withdrawal (you live nearby, but they are strangers), for others it will be expressed in irritation and rudeness, for others it will calm down, for others they will run to a young woman (it is more difficult for her to control and care for him).
THIRD, it kills sexual relationships, because sex at the “mommy” - “son” level (and you subconsciously perceive each other this way) looks vulgar: “I’m a hungry boy, feed me.”
SYMBOL OF HAPPINESS
In order not to turn into a mommy for your own husband, remember the 7 main “don’ts” that will certainly help you. After all, every woman knows what to do for her loved one. So why not remember what you should NOT do? To remember, write the number “7” and hang it in a visible place. And to the husband’s question: “What is this?” - answer simply: “This is a symbol of our happiness.” Let this be your secret. It will only make you more attractive.
1 Do not rush to help at his first call. Wait, maybe you're only hearing an echo of his old childhood habit of "Mommy, save me." He himself will find a can of coffee or his briefcase with documents.
2 Don’t solve his problems and don’t do for him what he can handle himself. (If you have learned how to hammer nails, believe me, he can learn how to sew on buttons.) Assign responsibilities (or decide which ones you assign to him) and do not interfere - let him do it.
3 Don’t sweat the small stuff. If it’s unbearable, limit yourself to advice and let him decide for himself whether to use it or not.
4 Resist the temptation to intervene and help when you think he is doing something wrong. And if you start helping, don’t take the initiative.
5 Don't indulge his weaknesses. Let him be responsible for his own misdeeds. “Did you forget to buy groceries, honey? Don’t worry, today there will be porridge for dinner... without butter.”
6 Don’t buy into flattery and pity.
7 Don't grumble or nag. Show that you believe in his strength, that you have no doubt: he can do anything. Thank him for the slightest manifestation of initiative and admire his care for you. Always express sincere faith in his powers.
CHANGES ARE INEVITABLE
What happens if you stop babysitting your big boy? At first he will be amazed and confused. Or he will start making a scandal, try to manipulate you: show maximum attention in order to demonstrate complete alienation the next day, fall into depression, rebel, appeal to your pity (I’ve lost my appetite, I’m sick), etc. Whatever form this manifests itself in, most likely, he will protest. It is likely that you will quickly get tired and want to give up.
Hold on! Habit is second nature.
And the longer you have been in the role of “mom,” the more difficult it is for your “son” to understand that changes are not a temporary whim, they are inevitable. Psychologists say that it takes about 6 weeks to develop and consolidate a new type of behavior. This is the minimum period that a person needs to adapt to changed conditions. Be patient and implement the new policy consistently and purposefully. Learn to ask affectionately and persistently, joyfully receive and trust a strong male shoulder.
But keep in mind that among men there are incorrigible specimens. Those who realize themselves at the expense of others, who are not capable of anything else. You can either run away from such a man, or consciously and for life take on the role of a “good mommy.” But in any case, it is better to make a conscious choice than to suffer all your life. If you still do not dare to even start, you will lose a lot of time and energy thinking. And you will never know what would have happened if...
Every woman wants to find a reliable man, support, but it turns out completely differently. Modern men they are becoming more and more henpecked, unable to take a step without women's councils. Who is to blame for this? Maybe the women themselves are to blame?!
Modern women They deny that children are mainly raised by their mother. And the man, in turn, gets so used to being taken care of that, as a result, he cannot take care of himself without a reminder.
The main reason for the formation of such behavior in a woman is fear.
Perhaps as a child she witnessed her parents’ divorce, and her dad left the family. The girls are very vulnerable and consider it a betrayal. After all, a real woman agrees with a man’s position to dominate her, but a “wounded” woman will not accept this. On an unconscious level, such a woman agrees only to the role of “mommy”, claiming it for herself as the Main One. This style of behavior helps her maintain control over the relationship, so as not to lose her second beloved man in the future. These women think they are doing everything right for their husband and their relationship. But a man’s natural instinct cannot be deceived; one day he will need a real woman.
You are interested in other articles about the relationship between a man and a woman, such as:
How to stop being a mommy for your husband.
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Sometimes as soon as a man appears on the horizon, it begins:
- Honey, have you eaten?
- Dear, why didn’t you answer my 23 calls and 148 text messages? Are you avoiding me? What were you doing during this time?
- My little bunny (baby, sweet, eared or any other miniature animal), do you have any problems? Why are you so sad? Like “no”, I see that something has happened, tell me everything urgently, I will help you, I will take pity on you and try to help in every possible way.
- My cat (hedgehog, bear cub and similar living creatures and entities - see above), dress warmly, it has gotten so cold, by as much as 3 degrees. Put on your underpants warm sweater and definitely a hat.
“Are you sad, have I offended you in some way?” Did I do something wrong? Do you want me to cook something delicious? No matter how you “aren’t sad,” I can see that something is bothering you. Well, discuss this with me, you will feel better, I will help you cope with everything.
—Are you having problems at work? Have you been offended or misunderstood? Yes, you are my little one, you are my genius, well, it’s okay, they will still dance, they will remember how they unfairly offended my bunny. We'll show them more!
- Can I help you? Are you having trouble coping with something? Let me help you, print out the coursework and do some of the work on the project. So what if I have a lot of work to do, just think, I’ll sleep 4 hours less, but you’ll get everything done on time.
If you "suffer" from a disease such as involvement in a man's life and behavior caring mommy, think, why are you doing all this? What are you trying to achieve?
Are you doing this with the expectation that the man will appreciate and value you more? Then I dare to assure you that men either avoid such overly caring people or take advantage of them until they get back on their feet, and then go to a real Woman who knows how to appreciate and love herself and her needs. And at the same time, she knows how to give a man what he really needs, and this is: admiration, the ability to treat him correctly and an understanding of what he really needs. Read about how to make a man appreciate you, love you and respect you in the new book by Rashid Kirranov “19 mistakes with men. How to make him love and respect you".
What feats, you ask? Yes, at least those when on vacation, on vacation, he unexpectedly gives you huge bouquet flowers, just like for a bride.
Or in the evening, despite the fact that he is very tired, he will get dressed and go buy your favorite bun, which is sold a few blocks from home.
Or protect you from life’s adversities, take responsibility for solving many problems, for example, material, housing, problems in relationships with relatives, and so on.
If you want your man to love you and perform such feats for you, to be strong and support you in difficult periods, remove from yourself the role of mother, guardian, older, stronger comrade and develop the Woman in yourself. Learn to accept care, protection and attention from your loved one, and give a man what he really needs, and not what you think he needs. Then you will easily get everything that you are now trying to achieve with such difficulty to no avail.
Men themselves love to be strong, successful, they themselves love to delight their woman and do something nice for her. It is important for a man to know that his care and attention are needed by his beloved. That she is happy with him, that he is “her hero, her a real man, which no longer exist." But many beautiful, wonderful women simply do not yet know how to accept the feminine essence within themselves, and this makes themselves and the men around them unhappy.
I understand perfectly well that often with our upbringing this is not always possible. Many grew up in single-parent families, some grew up without parents at all, many women in the family of parents had a mother who was the leader, suppressed and oppressed her husband. Yes, our generation did not grow up best examples. But now everything has changed, there is now enough information that will allow you to gradually develop femininity in yourself. In my books, I write in detail about how to change the parental script. How to work it out parent programs and shape our life based on our own needs, and not on the image that we have absorbed since childhood. You can read the first book “What happy women are silent about” or second “How to get a man off the couch. Secrets of happy women".
Once you begin to master the science of being A real woman how your life will get on the right track. You will learn to love yourself, accept yourself and your feminine essence, and your love and respect for a man will be shown as a reflection. It is love, it is respect and acceptance of him as a man. And not excessive care and guardianship as about the weak, small child. Why humiliate men and treat them like maladjusted children? Think about it, because sometimes it’s only ourselves, through our behavior, that prevents our man from opening up next to us and becoming a real hero.
By accepting the essence of a Woman in yourself, you will learn coquetry, learn to flirt and encourage your loved one to exploits and accomplishments not with your guardianship, but with your feminine faith in him as a strong and confident hero. By the way, many representatives of the fair sex do not know how to make eyes, as they say. You can learn this art on the Sunny Hands website.
By accepting the essence of a Woman in yourself, you become happy and contented, regardless of the presence of a man in your life, regardless of his mood, problems, desires, etc.
Only by becoming happy and satisfied with yourself, only by learning to love yourself, can you accept the love of a man, and not take care of him only because you are afraid of losing him and being left alone.
By accepting the woman within you and loving yourself, you will learn to see and accept care, courtship, attention and strengths your partner.
In particular, learn to trust him more and understand that he is an adult, an independent person and is able to cope with his problems and tasks on his own. If he needs support, it will not be as much as you think. Even if he is going through a difficult time right now, give him the space and time to deal with his difficulties on his own. You can say that you are nearby and believe that everything will work out for him, and he will solve everything. Tell him that if necessary, you will always help him, support him and will not leave him. And the main thing is that you believe in him and that he can overcome everything. And even if you don’t overcome something and can’t cope with something, this will not make you love and appreciate him less. How else can you make your partner fall in love with you forever? Rashid Kirranov wrote about this in the article “What is important for a man? What does a man need to be happy? (Part 1)".
But under no circumstances should you take active participation in solving his problems. He is a man, do not humiliate him with your attempts to be stronger and more successful, let him solve his manly problems himself. And you are a Woman and you have enough worries and problems of your own.
It was at the moment when I was writing this that our administrator gave me a letter from a reader. And I was once again surprised at how interconnected everything is in this world. How interesting everything is arranged. Why exactly at the moment when I was writing about the fact that there is no need to show care to a man as to a child, a question came up on the same topic. Here is the letter:
“Anastasia, hello.
Thank you very much for the site “Sunny Hands”. To be honest, I go to it almost every day – just for spiritual support.
Helps redirect thoughts. And I feel like I’m changing :)
Everything you write about works, probably because this is not a theory, but your personal experience.
I have a question for you. How should a woman behave and how to support a man when he is going through a difficult period?
When he's all in himself, doesn't say anything, walks like a cloud and doesn't notice you.
I know that this is due to difficulties at work, lack of money and misunderstanding in the team.
Any interaction only seems to irritate him.
I know from books and experience that it is better not to touch it at all. But it becomes scary that we will become strangers.
Tell.
Thank you. Sincerely. Lyudmila"
You see, we, women, already have the answer to everything. Our inner voice, our intuition, our heart itself knows what to do, but fear and doubt can ruin everything. Our reader already knows what is the best thing to do and answers her own question « I know from books and experience that it’s better not to touch it at all.” , but doubts and fear clog her feminine wisdom and intuition.
Of course, in such a situation, the best thing is to believe in your loved one and give him the opportunity to cope with difficulties.
It's like the example of finding a road. If a woman does not know where to go or go, she begins to ask passers-by for directions. A man in the same situation usually spends at least 1.5-2 hours to figure out the map, if there is one, walk around several times and look for road signs. And only when he is completely confused and reaches the North Pole on the wrong road, then he can ask the nearest polar bear something, in case he doesn’t eat him.
And until a man is convinced that he is lost and really needs help or support, advice from a woman, and especially sympathy, is perceived aggressively.
So it is in any situation when he has a problem. If he is silent and does not tell, it means he is trying to decide for himself. And the best thing you can do is not to interfere, but to enjoy life.
When he exhausts his resources, he will either seek support or solve the problem by that time. If you ask for support, you should not immediately rush in with ready-made answers and offer help in every possible way. Most likely, he just needs to speak out and discuss the situation with someone in order to see himself from the outside.
It's best to just ask: “What did you do? What didn't you do? What worked, what didn’t work? Why do you think it didn’t work out? What other options do you have?”
After the discussion, tell him that you are there and believe in him, that he will succeed and everything will be fine…. And again, mind your own business and your life, don’t take on men’s problems.
Your man is an adult and can easily cope with the tasks that arise on his way. And he hardly wants you to see his weakness and know about his problems. When he decides, then yes. Then he will want to talk about what a hero and a real Man he is, and how much you can be proud of him, he will tell you about the difficulties and how exactly he overcame them. Now it’s best to just be there, to live as we lived before.
So, remember, if your loved one wants to talk about problems, he will tell them himself. If he doesn’t want to, it’s better not to touch him and not to interfere with “heart-to-heart conversations.”
The relationship will not become distant, because after he solves his problems, firstly, he will be proud of himself and want to brag to you, and here there will be a great opportunity to return the atmosphere that was before.
And secondly, he will be grateful to you for simply being there and not pestering him with “heart-to-heart conversations”, not interfering and asking about his difficulties, but believing in him and supporting him.
This is how men are designed, that when they are focused on solving some problem, it may seem that he is moving away from you. And many women begin to think that if they feel sorry for him now, or ask him about difficulties and problems, if he opens up and tells everything, then everything will immediately become much better.
It won't. Don't confuse the psychology of men with female psychology. Yes, a woman, when it’s difficult for her, when something bothers her, simply needs to talk it out, preferably several times. Or better yet, the entire city, the entire country, or the entire globe. For men, the opposite is true.
See if you are behaving in such a way that you are spoiling your partner with your own behavior and literally ruining your life? Do you treat your loved one like a child? Are you trying to “help, protect, save,” etc.?
Value yourself and your time. Value yourself and your life. There is no need to devote your life to anyone. This is your life and it deserves not to be ignored, not driven into a corner and not forgotten about for several years.
But how can you learn to love and value yourself?
How not to be afraid of being alone and losing a man?
How can we not be afraid to accept the Woman within ourselves and behave not like many women around us who do not allow us to accept male love into our lives, but differently?
How not to be afraid to be a Woman, to express your needs, while truly loving a man, feminine love, and not maternal?
Eat good exercise, or rather even two exercises. And it’s better to do both of them, then the effect will be much better and faster. My advice, which I shared with you, dear readers of our portal “Sunny Hands”, in the article “How to become happy?” will also help. “Appreciate and love yourself!”
Exercises:
Exercise one. You need to write one sheet of paper every day “I love and accept myself for who I am. I am a true woman. And my man loves and accepts the woman in me.” and not just write, but after writing two or three times, close your eyes and repeat it to yourself. Feel how a warm, gentle, sweet stream of love and tenderness spreads from the center of your chest. Here it spreads over your shoulders, through your arms, up to your neck, head, hair. But you feel how it is heading down to your waist, hips, now it is already in your legs, in your feet, and this whole solar flow of love covers your entire body and is already pouring out of every cell of yours. And you feel like you love yourself and accept all of yourself as you are. You feel like you are inside a luminous, strong, powerful, yet kind and loving flow of energy.
It’s as if you are floating and you are surrounded by Love and Energy, you feel love for yourself. You feel Respect for yourself, for your needs, desires and for your life. You feel like you love yourself and you deserve the best.
But you see yourself next to your man, and you see yourself as a gentle, feminine, calm and confident woman. And most importantly, a happy woman. You see how your eyes shine and you see how lovingly and tenderly your partner treats you.
Then open your eyes again and again write the phrase “I love and accept myself as I am. And I deserve all the best." And close your eyes again and do the exercise again.
Exercise two. It is best to do it in front of a mirror, when no one can distract you. Turn off your phones first, go to the mirror and look at yourself for a couple of minutes. Then look yourself in the eye and say: “I love myself the way I am. I am a wonderful, wonderful woman and I know how to behave like a true Woman.". close your eyes and imagine yourself as you want to be. Imagine everything you dream of in a relationship with a man and tell yourself that you deserve it.
It is unlikely that you dream of taking care of a man and being his eternal nanny. But perhaps you are simply afraid to behave differently, or don’t know how? So start at least dreaming about it. Visualize the image of the woman you would like to be. And at the end of the visualization, tell yourself that you are worthy.
In conclusion, I would like to tell you that if you begin to reveal the feminine essence within yourself, begin to master feminine wisdom, then your life and your partner will begin to change as if by magic. Every year, no matter what, every day you will be surprised by the changes in yourself and in your loved one that you have been waiting for for so long.
Sincerely, Anastasia Gai.
Everyone is familiar with the expression that everyday life destroys even the most romantic relationships. And so it is. But only partly. It is not everyday life that destroys relationships, but the transformation of a woman into a mother for her. Many women, remembering the wonderful beginning of their relationship, cannot understand where it all went. Where did the loving and caring man go and how did that sloth who is now lying on the sofa in front of the TV end up in his place?
Moreover, this sloth outside the home can be absolutely active and proactive. But in the family he goes with the flow and does not want to take responsibility. The burden lying on women's shoulders becomes more and more heavy and, ultimately, the woman can no longer remain silent and begins to explain to her man that she cannot continue to live like this, that she is tired and wants to see a knight next to her, a real man, and not little helpless boy. She wants to shift the responsibility for the family from her fragile female shoulders to his strong male ones, but the man does not want to take this responsibility. The woman convinces, conflicts, but he doesn’t understand her at all! Or maybe he just doesn’t WANT to understand?
As a result, some women give up and continue to be responsible for themselves and for “that guy.” There are also those who are with a “big boy” in order to find a “grown man”, reliable and caring. But in the next relationship the situation repeats itself. And all because there is no understanding that women themselves make men like this. Not all of them, of course, are isolated examples, eternal teenage boys (sometimes very difficult ;)) who will never grow up. But there are also completely normal men whom women turn into a kind of “big son”, indulging his natural laziness, allowing him not to participate and not help in anything, allowing him to shout, whine, pout, forget and lose. For him, they turn into a kind of loving mother, whom the overgrown child diligently wears out.
How not to become a mother for your husband
Unfortunately, women often behave this way quite deliberately when they want to earn money. Because this is a universal and working way to tie a man to you.
The fact is that in every man, no matter how independent and adult he is, there lives little boy, from childhood accustomed to female care and attention. He was looked after by his mother and grandmothers, teachers kindergarten and teachers at school. And when a woman begins to nurture him, already an adult, he emotionally returns to his carefree childhood. And this is a very pleasant feeling, you must agree! No worries, no worries, they love him unconditionally, take care of him and buy him toys. Therefore, he happily allows his wife to play the role of mother.
And it turns out that a “motherly” attitude towards a man is a way to get him and tie him to you. The instinct also turns on, saying that you need to take care of the one you love. A man quickly gets used to the sweet life and often it becomes simply difficult for him to cope without his mother. In this way, a woman binds a man to herself, giving him many times more than she receives from him.
Getting used to receiving more than giving, a man begins to take everything “for granted” and gradually abdicates responsibility. He ceases to be proactive and gives up the reins to female hands, especially since life is more pleasant and easier for him in the role of “son”. As a result, the woman has to take everything upon herself and spin more and more on her own. Moreover, keep a watchful eye on the child, so that he doesn’t forget, confuse, or die of hunger. She begins to control her man and “watch” his every move.
It seems that the man has been received and tamed, but there is no female happiness! And these “sons” periodically run “to the side” in order to at least somewhere feel like a man. And he is not drawn to the marital bed, since “mother” is in no way suitable for the role of a seductress and enchantress. He loses all “male” interest in her and simply fulfills his marital duty from time to time, often caring little about the woman’s emotional (and physical) pleasure.
How can a husband be a wife and not a mother?
In order not to become a mother for your husband, you need to remember not only what you need to do for your man, but also what you need NOT to do. I bring to your attention seven rules that are best memorized. And in order not to forget them, just write the number seven and hang it in a visible place (or, for example, buy a refrigerator magnet). If your husband starts to wonder what “this” means, there is no need to go into details and tell him everything. Just say that this is a symbol of your family happiness, and let him figure out the rest. After all, women have the right to their personal secrets and some mystery).
How not to become a mother for your husband: 7 rules
1. There is no need to rush to help at his first call, abandoning all your affairs. This call is probably just an echo of his childhood habit of “Mom, save me, help me.” Believe me, he can find his own socks, pour himself tea or heat food in the microwave.
2. Don't take it upon yourself to solve his problems and never do for him what he can handle himself. It is likely that your family’s traditions include that you set the table and feed your husband, but let it be limited to this. Believe me, if you have learned how to hammer nails, then he is quite capable of learning how to iron shirts and sew buttons. Distribute household responsibilities (or decide which ones you assign to him) and let him do them (without your intervention or control!).
3. Don’t take care of him over trifles, don’t baby him, don’t try to endlessly cheer him up and “play nice with him.” If you are completely unbearable, then limit yourself to advice, but do not do everything for him.
4. When it seems to you that he is doing something wrong, then resist the temptation to intervene and help (and sometimes do everything yourself). And even if you start helping him, don’t pull the blanket over yourself and don’t take any initiative.
5. Don't pander to his weaknesses and don't "feed him carrots" when he behaves irresponsibly. Forgot to buy groceries? "OK, darling. Today we will have tea and bread for dinner.”
6. Do not fall for flattery, as it is a means of manipulation and an attempt to “bribe” you. And even more so, don’t buy into pity, since you don’t need to feel sorry for a real grown man (it would be better if he takes pity on you), you just need to respect him. And when you regret, there is no way to respect.
7. Don't turn into a "saw" or a grumpy old lady. Always show him that you respect him, believe in his strength and have no doubt that he will succeed. Sincere faith in a man works wonders, he grows wings and wants to do more and more. Yes, and never forget to thank him for any initiative and be touched and admired by his care for you.
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At first, when you stop coddling your man, he may be surprised and confused. He may even begin to make trouble, and in the most extreme cases, even manipulate: today he will be very attentive and caring, and tomorrow he will be demonstratively cold and distant. He can rebel, feel sorry for himself (I’m sick, I suffer) and become depressed. In a word, he will express protest in one form or another. And you might even get tired of it and want to give up. But try to hold out! After all, habit is second nature, and the longer you were in the role of mom, the more difficult and difficult it will be for your “son” to understand that these changes are inevitable, and they are not your temporary whim.
If we take psychology, the minimum period of adaptation and development of a new type of behavior is 6 weeks. So be patient and carry out " educational work", without deviating one step from the program. Work on yourself first. Learn to ask a man affectionately but persistently. Learn to trust a man and joyfully receive his help and care. Stop doing everything yourself and putting on your shoulders what you need and what you don’t need. Realize that your man has grown up a long time ago and, as an adult, he is fully capable of taking care of himself (and you, by the way, too!) on his own.
But keep in mind that there are also incorrigible instances. These are egoists who realize themselves at the expense of others and are incapable of anything else. You just need to leave such a man or accept the role of a “kind, caring mother” forever. It’s up to you to decide; it’s important to make this choice consciously.
If you choose such a role, then you definitely need to know what awaits you in this role of “mom to your husband.”
At first, the role of “mom” and “son” looks very attractive. But over time, this “role-playing game” begins to destroy the feelings and relationships “beloved man - beloved woman.”
2. Any man wants to demonstrate to everyone around him (and especially to his beloved woman) how businesslike, talented and smart he is. And how he is able to bear responsibility for himself and for his family. In a word, he wants to assert himself in order to feel like an accomplished person. And when a woman treats him as small (and sometimes as underdeveloped), his self-esteem is infringed.
At first, he may not even realize it and he will be pleased to spend his life in a “carefree childhood.” But, in the end, he will simply get tired of feeling like a little boy or an inferior teenager and he will rebel. For some, this will be expressed in rudeness, for others, they will simply withdraw into themselves and only the shadow of a man will be present in the family, and not he himself, it seems as if the man exists, but at the same time, it is as if he is not there. And it seems like people live nearby, but they are complete strangers to each other. Others have mistresses (read) and try to “rehabilitate” on the side. And some go to virtual world computer games or they begin to “look into the bottle.”
3. Well, the worst thing about this whole situation is that intimate relationships are gradually fading away. Because lovemaking at the “mother” – “son” level (and subconsciously this is how people perceive each other) looks vulgar (like, for example, “Mommy, your boy is hungry, feed me”), and sometimes even causes rejection and disgust .
Do you still want to play the role of mom for your man? It's your choice. But then you will not be able to become a desired and beloved woman who you want to take care of. Which you want to please, conquer, and, most importantly, protect! Additionally, I advise you to read the articles and “.
If this article was useful to you and you want to tell your friends about it, click on the buttons. Thank you very much! Women don't know how to love. Spin it how you want, but this is the real truth.
That's a strong word, right?
That’s what I wanted to call this note, but I felt sorry for Runet. He, sick, has not yet moved away from the past, which was called "Men hate weak women» (the link to it is at the very end of the note). Showing compassion, I reduced the intensity of the provocation, and the title of the note was different.
Why did I want to title the note “Women Can’t Love”? Strictly speaking, because it is so. Women really don’t know how to love (here, of course, we must immediately make a reservation - the situation is exactly the same with men, they don’t know how to love).
The point is this: to love means to be equal. And women (and men) are equally capable of being bad. Women usually fall into position Moms(orders, teaches and controls) or Daughters(begging, helpless, controlling, but in a different way).
Men have their own set - Daddy(orders, teaches and controls) and Sonny(begging, helpless, controlling, but in a different way).
Instead of love, people (let's put everyone into one category) act out sketches based on rigid script frameworks. For example, she, like Mommy, demands that he come home no later than ten, and he, like Sonny, cries to his friends about his bitter fate.
And both are unaware that an adult man decides for himself when to come home, and this decision depends on many factors. And, for example, if your wife is at home with two small children, then it is reasonable to arrive at six in the evening. And if she is alone and there are no children, but there is a friend with whom they drink coffee in the kitchen, then you can stay longer.
And so it is in everything. Role-playing relationships are simply destructive for marriage.
Hence, many women have a question - “How to stop being his Mommy?”
Well, I have something to answer. I warn you - the answer will be summary. Only the most important things and extremely briefly.
So, a quick tutorial “How to stop being a mommy for your husband”.
1. Admire. A parent praises his child because the child needs approval. But what a couple needs is not praise, but admiration. Praise is always an assessment, and the one who is higher can evaluate. Admiration is an equal position. So instead of “you're a great driver,” say “I love watching you drive.” Instead of “you’re great,” say “how lucky I am to have you.”
2. Give thanks. The parent is obliged to take care of the child, the child is obliged to obey the parent - these are strict role stereotypes. A man, initially, by default, doesn’t owe you anything - and you don’t owe him anything either. And if so, any of his actions is voluntary. Did he wash the dishes? Give thanks. Babysit the kids, giving you the opportunity to meet your girlfriends? Give thanks. More gratitude is the whole secret.
3. Consult. The parent is not required to consult with the child. It is necessary for the parent to wake up the child at six in the morning. If necessary, he’ll take him to grandma’s. This is normal - for parent and child. It's not like that with adults. If an adult's action affects another adult in any way, consultation should be sought. What if there is a better solution?
4. Don't do it for him. The parent does a lot for the child, because the child does not know much and will not learn it soon. For example, not every five-year-old child can iron his own shirt. But a thirty-year-old man can. Therefore, do not do for him what he can do himself. Of course, this does not mean that everyone is now on their own and there is no help for each other. This means that you don’t have to take everything on yourself.
This, again, is a summary. But - a summary of working approaches. So if you are tired of being a mommy to your own husband, I recommend it for use.
Well, attentive men, I hope, understood that the same thing applies in the other direction - admire your woman, thank her, consult with her, and so on.
And I have everything. Thank you for your attention.
By the way, in order to better understand the characteristics of male psychology,...
Still have questions? Most likely, you will find the answers - in the Entry published by the author in the category with tags , .
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How to stop being a Mommy: 45 comments
- Anya
It's surprising that there are no comments on this article. I’m wondering how to stop being a daughter?
Thank you :) - Inna
Maybe there are no comments because it is too obvious:-* . and then many people like to feel in a relationship like in childhood, loved and protected. And they are not ready to give up this pleasure. Some kind of perversion of relationships. And even if you say that this is wrong, that it needs to be done differently, little will change♠
- Natalia
I really liked about admiration instead of praise - the difference seems to be clear, but it’s parental praise that automatically pops up...
but I recently discovered that I often replace support with defense - instead of “I sympathize that this is such bullshit” (on equal terms), I say and do “Oh, they’re scoundrels, how dare they offend!” (obviously parental). - Tatiana
I like the first point about the difference between admiration and praise. When I read or hear that a man should be praised (and some directly demand this), I always fall into a stupor, because he’s not a child! How can you praise him??? And admiration somehow places emphasis differently. And I myself would not like to be praised - but you can admire me :)
- Maria
and when you start teaching how to do things in a relationship, well, not just teaching, but saying that I would like you to stop being like that, or if a man is being mischievous (just like a child), that is, by his actions he forces (begs for) this attitude. (like a child) how to behave here, but sometimes I want them to take care of me in the same way and it begins - everyone drags the blanket over themselves, and initially the relationship was equal
- Natalli
I have a question. What to do with a husband who, in general, is not a slacker, but does not strive for more. I have disappointed expectations. When we got married, it seemed to me that we thought the same, we would grow and all that, I was ready to help and support until my last breath. And she did it. I understood everything, I was still too young to demand something from him, together we will achieve it, we will earn money. But over time, she began to become disillusioned with him. It remained at the same level. I “ran ahead”, the position is not the smallest (even though I come from a very simple family), the salary is not big, but not the worst for a woman, a little more than that of my husband. But we still don't have enough. I am holding on to this job, now it is very difficult for me and it has become far from home to travel (we were transferred geographically unexpectedly). If my husband earned more, I wouldn’t hold on to this job so much, because the priority for a woman is still family, and I could find a lower salary, but close to home, and I come home at 10-11 at night tired, frayed, driving every day for 2 hours there and back through traffic jams. No strength. And the husband silently watches all this. I didn’t even think about making my life easier somehow. I offered to move - to no place. Like how will he drive? How can I travel for so long? It's a shame, I start crying, it's a scandal. He says quit. But we don’t go anywhere anyway, we don’t go, we can’t afford anything, and we feel sorry for our son. I am ashamed as a mother that we cannot give the best, only the necessary minimum. And if I quit, I lose my status, salary, and generally go into complete poverty. We don't live, we exist. And he’s happy with everything. What should I do?
- Natalli
Pavel, thank you very much for your answer.
Yes, we have already discussed it several times, and without tears or reproaches, or rather, I tried to discuss it, but it’s as if he doesn’t want to hear me, he’s just silent. If he answers, it is not in essence, but clinging to words, moving the conversation to another topic. In general, he doesn’t like talking about life. For him it's just hard labor.
It’s important to me that our family goes at least once a year to the sea, or the mountains, you never know, you can think of it, but it’s always a financial issue. I always wanted to show my son the world.. Yes, and I wanted several children, not just one, but my husband’s amorphousness does not allow him to go to the doctors, check his health, find out the reason why it is not working, but I have already bypassed. Or he stupidly doesn’t want children, but doesn’t admit it. When everyone asks us about the second one, he remains silent, but he doesn’t seem to mind. And the years go by... But if you don’t touch on serious life issues, then he’s just the life of the party.
He doesn’t like to plan anything, so talking is useless. We went to Sochi for two years in a row, but this was because at work I was able to receive more or less a considerable amount of money at once. The first time was just the two of us, the second time was the three of us with our son. Of course, everyone liked it, but it didn’t arouse any aspirations in my husband, so we went with the flow. And I want to dress decently, and not wear it for several years. It somehow offends me... It’s not exactly what I wanted. I don't feel the stone wall- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
Natalie, how can I help? 🙂
- Anonymous
Natalie, did you find answers to your questions?
- Pavel Zygmantovich Post author
- tile
I don’t owe it to my wife (maybe if there is no contract), but I owe it to my children. Babysit children? — fulfilled his parental duty! and the wife, of course, is cultured - she will say thank you, and he will thank her for taking care of the children???
- Varvara
Thank you for the article!
I’ve been reading you for a long time, and I don’t quite agree with your ideas...
And this topic gives me awe. Please write about men more often - after all, psychology is read mostly by women... Thank you in advance! 🙂 - Lana
I agree with everything. But why are men silent? Do they agree with this or not?
- Tatiana
It’s been like this in my family for two years now: I’m the mother, my husband is the son. But I also want to be little! And the situation with Natallie and I is very similar (only we don’t have children yet). And we cannot consult, because no matter what I tell him, he will still do it his way (“listen to the woman and do the opposite”). For the sake of interest and to save my family, I will use your advice. I'll try to behave differently. Hope everything works out! 🙂
P.S. If possible, I’ll post it as a success!
- Tatiana
Hello! 🙂
I took your advice, and, without telling my husband anything about it, I began to act!
15 days have passed... The period is very short, but there are already great successes: I began to be less nervous and spend more time on myself! And my husband seems to be feeling much better!
Thank you, Pavel, for the simplest tips, which are very helpful in everyday life! I watch videos with your participation and learn good life lessons! I wish you success in all your endeavors, good health, good mood and speak as much as possible for us, beautiful ladies! 🙂P.S. I couldn’t find books written by you (if any) on the Internet. I'd love to read something! 😉
- Tatiana
I apologize, apparently I’m such a nerd when it comes to working with the Internet! 🙂
A kickback on his part?
Should I offer to read to my husband “Kill the infantile in yourself. How
grow up in three months"?
We are the same age (we are both 22 years old), he is an Aries, I am a Taurus. I'm afraid that my proposal to read a book will offend him. He is an adult and independent, since he decided to get married at the age of 20! - Tatiana
Hello again!
I started reading your book “Secrets of Relationships...”. And now I’m at a dead end: I don’t know what to do next! He doesn't follow the rules of love! And he will not understand or accept them! I've been struggling with this for TWO YEARS already (because I want sincere real feelings from a person)... I'm confused... I need help... SOS! HELP ME! :,(
