With the problem of lack of sufficient attention from father many have encountered. During your pregnancy, the future father surrounds you with warmth and every care, making sure that you are always comfortable, healthy and calm. And the day a child is born is a moment of great joy for both you and him. But now, this day has passed, and now you notice that the father pays almost no attention to either you or the child. He has become distant, has stopped communicating, is restrained in his emotions, you feel how he is distancing himself from you.
In combination with postpartum depression, with difficult first days of breastfeeding baby, establishing breastfeeding, a severe lack of routine, and all this against the backdrop of a recent birth - can significantly undermine a woman psychologically. She begins to be haunted by very bad thoughts that the birth of a child was a mistake, and because of these thoughts she also begins to feel guilty. But should you worry? What can this father’s position even say?
Perhaps you just need to give your husband some time. For him birth of a child- almost the same stress as for you. When a person is overwhelmed with all sorts of complex emotions, his psyche sometimes does wonderful things, but more often than not it simply shuts down tightly so as not to accept any more disturbing signals from the outside. So don’t rush to conclusions, give your father some time.
Besides, men Very little attention is always paid to small children. A woman's maternal instinct is very strong, and it turns on at full capacity already at the moment when the child is first brought to the mother and allowed to be held in her arms. But nature has not programmed such a mechanism in men, so at first they do not have the need to often be with the child, play with him and baby him. They need some time to establish an attachment with their child. And with children who are too young, they are still bored. The process of parenting by fathers is perceived more as mentoring, rather than teaching such basic things as crawling on a bed.
It is possible that your man I'm just overloaded with work. It happens that young fathers have to work a lot to adequately support a mother and child. And, returning home, he cannot even rest properly, since the screams of a dissatisfied baby are almost constantly heard in the apartment.
There are frequent manifestations of jealousy on the part of fathers. Previously, your family consisted of two people, and you all belonged only to your husband, but now, perhaps, he feels abandoned and abandoned. This is also evident in sex life, after all, he has already managed without sex for quite some time, and in emotional sphere. Husbands experience emotional betrayal even more acutely at times; they begin to blame you for the fact that you have completely stopped paying attention to you, and this dissatisfaction, unfortunately, sometimes spills over onto the child.
Another probable explanation what was happening - it was customary in your husband’s family to behave this way. This no longer applies only to the period when the child is still just a newborn baby. But also in cases where the father, as it seems to you, pays insufficient attention to his already relatively adult child and does not spend time with him. We adopt all our behavioral standards from our family. And each of us was raised in our own, unique, in our own way, family. Often, some features of the behavior of the future spouse remain unknown until a certain moment. Well, in such a situation, you will most likely have to put up with your husband’s character traits.
In general, for modern women It is common to expect too much from your own in terms of relationships with children. Just recently, no one asked such questions at all. Fathers have traditionally not been responsible for paying attention to their children. Ask the old-timers, and they will confirm (those of them who even had fathers) that the rare days spent “with dad” were valuable and magical moments that were remembered for a lifetime. This distance, by the way, is not so bad - it makes the father more loved, authoritative and important for the child. And he always listens to his word more than to his mother’s.
If you want to husband still gave you and the child a little more attention, there are certainly things you can do. The main thing is to remember that insults and accusations are not the answer! Under no circumstances try to resolve the situation in a way that is popular among many wives: pouting, boycotts, insults, or constant reproaches. But in this way you only aggravate an already unpleasant situation for you and spoil your relationship with your husband. And a damaged relationship between mother and father - it is always the child who ultimately suffers from them.
So talk to husband calmly. Find a moment when you are both in a good mood, sit down and simply express your grievances in as gentle a manner as possible. Emphasize that you are not “pushing”, and understand that he is not out of malice. But you would simply be glad and happy to see how he spends more time working with the child.
Also learn to delicately and unobtrusively remind father that he had not performed his fatherly duties for a long time. It is best to do this in a good-natured and humorous manner, and in no case in a mentoring tone.
The most The main thing- never reproach the father in the presence of the child. The authority of the father is the wealth of any family. He will save the child from many troubles more than once, so take care of him now. For a child, dad should always be the smartest, the strongest, the most loving - the best.
Hello! Please help. My husband and I have been living together for 7 years. This is not the first marriage for both me and him. We have a son. Now he is 5.5 years old. The child did not speak until he was 4 years old, so I was forced to quit my job and focus on the development of the child. The problem is that my husband pays very little attention to me. The husband is a self-sufficient, educated person with a high status.
When he comes home from work, I tell him how my son and I spent our day. And when I ask questions regarding his work, I get the answer that he wants to take a break from work at home. Moreover, this answer sounds at any time of the year, month, day of the week, day, etc. On weekdays we eat dinner almost silently and go to bed. On weekends, he sleeps for half a day, then has breakfast, and, if it is winter, then goes on a ski trip. He doesn’t take my son and me with him, because... My son is still skiing slowly. My son and I go skiing together. Then lunch (silently). Quiet time with my husband and son, then a weekend evening with my husband on the couch. And at this time I am studying with my son. We have a lot of tasks from the speech therapist and music teacher. My son needs these activities to develop his speech. In this mode, my life lasts for 7 years. I spin like a squirrel in a wheel, taking care of the child and the household. I basically live the life of a single mom. But my patience has come to an end. The last straw was a New Year's corporate evening at my husband's work. When he went to rest and celebrate the new year with colleagues (accepted without spouses) for the whole day (from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m.) at a rest home.
Before that, in all the years I had never caused a scandal, never quarreled with him, and tried to treat my husband with understanding. And this time I started a scandal. I also want to relax, dress up, feel the holiday, receive congratulations, etc. Moreover, the scandal happened because my husband simply did not want to listen to me again.
He tells me that he does everything to make our family feel good. Now the same thing has happened again with the holiday of March 8th. I tried to talk to him and explain that I am not jealous of his female colleagues. I just need, no less than my colleagues, his attention and care. He doesn't hear! He doesn’t even let me finish! He starts to get angry and swear that I’ve already bothered him with all this (this is about the New Year’s scandal). He is trying for us! If I don’t like it, then I can pack my suitcase and leave!
I have such a terrible condition. I don't know what to do. There is emptiness, resentment, pain in my soul. I’m forced to live with him because I have nowhere to go, and I understand that I can’t support our special child on my own (rent an apartment, hire a nanny, a speech therapist, etc.) The worst thoughts come to my mind. I constantly want to cry. We are no longer talking about love for my husband. I can’t talk to my husband, there are no intermediaries, and he won’t listen to them either.
Yana, Moscow, 43 years old
Family psychologist's answer:
Hello, Yana.
You have a very comprehensive request, so I will divide it into blocks that are important for you to pay attention to. Firstly, I would like to clarify the situation, has your husband always behaved this way towards you or did this behavior appear after some event? Has it changed during your time? living together his social status, Job? Because if he was different before, then it would be good for you to find a reason and understanding of when he changed, at what moment, what could provoke his indifference and reluctance to make contact. Secondly, you write that after returning home, your husband listens to information from you about the day he spent with the child, but does not want to answer your questions about his work. I can note that there is nothing criminal in his behavior, for the simple reason that he may really get tired at work and want to disconnect from it at home, where he comes to rest and relax. You are persistently trying to return his attention to work. The main thing is that you understand this mechanism; it is more characteristic of men. Stop clarifying and clarifying his affairs; if he has a desire to talk about work, he will raise this topic himself. The fact that your time together passes in silence signals that you have no common interests, there is nothing that can connect you and attract you to each other. I would venture to guess that your husband is not very interested in listening to everyday information from you. I understand that you are forced to care for your child and devote as much time as possible to him. But I also want to emphasize that you should keep a part of your life for yourself. You are completely immersed in the role of mother and housewife. Do you think your husband might be interested in a woman playing these roles? Or did he marry a woman, a wife, first of all? Try to analyze what attracted you to each other in the first place? What attracted you to your husband? What does he mean to you? What have you lost in your relationship that has led you to de facto cohabitation rather than warm family relationships? Also in this same block I would like to draw your attention to the fact that sometimes a man needs silence, he needs to immerse himself and be able not to delve into problems or conversations. Try changing your traditions daily. What if you were silent and didn’t say anything about your affairs and worries for a couple of evenings? Try it, sometimes this exercise works, and a man, on the contrary, begins to pay more attention when a woman suddenly becomes silent and does not make contact. Thirdly, do not reproach your husband with his work. You won't get anything more than irritation in response. For a man, work is a sacred cow. It is thanks to her that he has the opportunity to support his family, ensure your well-being and the opportunity to be close to the child, helping him overcome developmental difficulties. You write what you also want to wear elegant dress and “go out into the world”, renouncing everyday life. But I don’t understand what’s stopping you from doing this. Surely once a month you can find someone who will sit with your child in the evening so that you have the opportunity to have dinner together somewhere or spend the evening the way you would like. Perhaps you are waiting for your husband to take initiative in this regard, if so, then try to take the situation into your own hands. Invite him somewhere, get yourself in order, dress the way you want. Spend dinner talking about anything but your child or your husband's work. Refresh your relationship, bring newness and surprise into it. Perhaps, in this situation, your husband will again see in you, first of all, the woman he loves, and he will once again have a desire to look after you, to show attention and initiative. And finally, I want to support you, you are tired of caring for a child, tired of everyday life. But it’s worth thinking about the fact that you have a family, you have a husband who is really trying to make sure that you don’t have worries in material terms - and this is really very important element in life. You are angry at your husband, at his lack of interest in you. Try to redirect your energy from him to yourself. Try to figure out how you can combine child care with your life as a woman, as an individual. Remember your desires, interests, hobbies, watch your husband, he probably has an interest that you can try to share with him. Start changing somehow, find the woman in you, perhaps this is what your family relationships are missing. Good luck!
Sincerely, Ekaterina Kondratieva.
My husband hasn't been paying attention lately, not at all. Became indifferent. I feel lonely, although I am surrounded by people all day.
But I only want to share emotions, joy, talk, discuss various issues with him. But he is always busy or comes late, is silent, does not give an emotional answer, does not want to listen. My husband doesn’t pay attention even on weekends, but emotions accumulate, and it’s hard for me to contain them - as a result, I break down and reproach him. I ask if he loves me. In response I hear that he is tired of my hysterics and is going to bed.
Tears are rolling down like hail, and thoughts are in my head that he doesn’t love me. Doesn't pay attention. Maybe he has another one? What to do?
Should I kick him out or leave on my own? But how will I live without him?
Husband doesn't pay attention to his wife - why?
If your husband behaves strangely and does not pay attention, do not rush to go to extremes and make tough decisions that you may regret.
Knowing yourself and knowing the mental characteristics of your spouse, you can build happy family relationships. Everyone knows the saying about relationships - opposites attract. There is some truth in this. And why they were attracted, and how to live in such a relationship and be happy, no one gives recommendations except System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan.
Let's look at the reasons why a husband may not pay attention to his wife. And the point may not be that he stopped loving his wife or that he has another woman, but simply that the husband by nature has completely different mental properties, and his head is occupied with completely different thoughts than his wife’s.
Workaholic husband: why he doesn't pay attention to his wife
For example, your husband is a workaholic and does not pay enough attention to you. He disappears at work all the time and is late. He still has no time to talk to you, even on the phone. When you call him at work, your husband is busy all the time - either at a meeting or away on site.
Workaholism can occur in both men with the cutaneous vector and the anal vector. But the reasons why they stay late at work will be different.
The owner of the skin vector is naturally mobile, flexible, and cannot sit in one place for a long time or do the same thing.
Relaxing on the couch is not about him. He is a lover of active recreation, a change of scenery on weekends or vacations. He is an organizer by nature, and no one can handle new tasks and projects better than him. A leather worker always wants to be a step higher, to climb the career ladder. He can stay late at work if it promises him a benefit, promotion or increase in salary. For these purposes, a man with the skin vector can work two or three jobs.
When he comes home in the evening, his thoughts may still be busy with work, a new project or problems. AND emotional speech He can listen to his wife with half an ear. After all, as stated above, a person with the skin vector strives for property and social superiority, and for this he is ready to work hard to achieve well-being for his family. A wife, not knowing such properties of her husband’s psyche, may mistake his behavior for indifference, coldness and inattention to her.
Read more about men with the skin vector.
For completely different reasons, men with an anal vector are delayed at work. They strive to be not the first, like leather workers, but the best in everything. They pay attention to details and strive to do everything efficiently. Such men are efficient, committed, diligent, and know how to work with a large amount of information. At work, their hard work is often abused and they are overworked.
It is worth noting that such men strive to see everything through to the end. As a result, they often stay late at work, wanting to finish what they started. As a result, the other side of their life - home, family, children, what is of great value to them - remains behind the scenes. Why do they feel dissatisfied and suffer?
Silent husband: why he doesn’t pay attention to his wife
In the meantime, you can read the reviews of people who have completed the training and received results in their relationships:
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Is your spouse no longer so romantic, things at work have become more important to him, and he neglects spending time with you? Has he grown cold and it’s time to leave?
Before deciding to take this step, let's consider the main reasons why this happens.
Often conflicts arise due to different understandings of what attention is
For example, for a husband it could be gifts, and for a wife it could be time spent alone. As a result, it turns out that the spouse tries to work more in order to give his wife expensive gifts, but she remains still dissatisfied.
If husband doesn't pay attention, then in such a situation it is necessary to specify your desires. Find the answer to the question: “How should a man behave so that you can confidently say that he pays attention to you?” The next step is to talk about it, express your expectations to your husband, and find out from him what he wants.
Romantic love is not eternal and transforms over time into partnerships
After two or three years of marriage, the wife begins to notice that there is no longer the former romance, passionate nights, thoughts arise that love has passed, because the husband does not pay attention. But before, he wrote poetry, came up with fabulous dates and gave up everything for the sake of his beloved.
What is important here is the presence of a common global goal. Maybe: your own home, family business, travel. Start looking not at each other, but in the same direction.
Create a tradition. For example, you devote Saturday evening to communicating only with each other, telling how the week went, what was interesting during this time. The main rule is not to sort things out; you can set aside Monday for this.
Think about what is hidden behind the desire to get your husband's attention
Perhaps you have been on maternity leave for a year and you lack live communication. Or you have no friends or interests outside of your family.
What can you do to fill this gap yourself?
Maybe meeting a friend once a week, group classes, master classes, their own business will be able to solve this problem. Your man cannot replace the whole world for you. Everyone has their own role: friend, mother, psychologist, coach.
It is important for men under 50 to succeed in their business
Of course, he values his relationship with his wife, but the financial situation of his family is also important to him. After all, this speaks about his success in general, about what he is worth. The more the spouse achieves now, the milder the midlife crisis will pass.
But many women have a dream for their husband to spend all his free time with her and get paid for it. Unfortunately, there is no such vacancy yet.
It happens that it is our inner unloved child that requires round-the-clock attention
If in childhood the parents had no time to communicate with the baby, or maybe they were not there at all, then he did not know unconditional love, growing up, constantly needs it. And then my husband doesn’t pay attention...
It's like a huge black hole in the soul, it's always insatiable
Try the following...
Take your childhood photo, talk to yourself as a child. Say that you will always support and love yourself, that you will do everything for your happiness. Become ideal parent for yourself. You must be able to take care of yourself, make your life interesting, tasty, and exciting!
husband at work
It happens that a man has used up all his resources and comes home completely devastated. His wife meets him on the threshold and longs to receive support and communication from him. The husband’s only desire is to lie down on the sofa and fall asleep.
In this case, it is necessary to create an environment for the spouse to rest and recover. Prepare a bubble bath, give a light massage, turn on music for relaxation.
When love has passed
It's sad, but our feelings can change over time. If your husband is not paying attention and you have been observing a long period of his withdrawal, it may be time to have a serious and honest conversation.
A woman sometimes subconsciously already knows the answer, but it’s scary to change anything in life, because she will have to rely only on herself.
Conclusions
Love each other, but do not make marriage a shackle. Let everyone develop as an individual. Only two whole adults can build a healthy and harmonious relationship.
