Why grievances arise between husband and wife, and how to deal with them in order to save the family, says a family psychologist.
Resentment in a marital relationship is a step towards breaking up.
Resentment is a complex emotional experience consisting of a mixture of pain, anger and all sorts of projections, fantasies, ideas and expectations from each other, which spouses do not always articulate, but act on the basis of what they would like to see in their partner.
Unfortunately, this situation often leads to the fact that both begin to attribute bad intentions to their partner.
This is how small misunderstandings turn into serious difficulties that are difficult to deal with on your own.
Expectations from a relationship are a kind of fantasy or idea of how it should be. They may well not correspond to reality.
If you approach a person and voice your desire, this does not mean at all that he should fulfill it.
Every person has the right to be who they are, and the same freedom to fulfill your desire or not.
Sometimes women complain that their partner ignores requests. Check whether your requests are rational, ethical, or meet only one criterion - your youthful ideas about a prince on a white horse?
Any misinterpreted word or excessive emotional reaction of a partner, not necessarily even directed at the spouse, can hurt painfully.
Following the pain, a defensive reaction appears - indignation, anger, irritation.
If partners are intolerant, mutually devalue feelings and experiences, then a tense, aggressive atmosphere develops in the couple - everyone is unsatisfied, angry and wounded.
Since it is impossible to constantly quarrel, each of the partners begins to restrain their emotions, aggression is directed inward, and each of them finds himself alone with his pain. This is how grievances in a couple gradually turn into one big lump of pain and the relationship is destroyed.
How to avoid becoming a hostage to marital grievances: 8 effective tips
In a situation with acute resentment, do not rush into a showdown with your partner. Stop any desire or even your scream and go into another room, hurry outside and take a walk.
Do not act in a state of passion and do not make any decisions that you may later regret.
For a normal conversation, only a calm atmosphere is necessary. Release your emotions in any way that suits you - beat a pillow, scream at it, tear paper into a hundred or two small pieces, take a contrast shower.
Only then prepare for the conversation.
- Agree on a truce.
Indicate what will happen at this moment and what will definitely not happen. For example: “We will listen carefully to each other, no matter what anyone says, we will be patient. If we encounter each other’s pain, we will not defend ourselves from it, get angry at the partner who is pouring out his soul, and reproach him, even if it seems to us that he is or her words are unfair. We will pay attention to even the most insignificant detail if it is important to at least one of us."
- Learn to listen and hear.
Some couples say they don't understand each other, but in reality they just don't listen. They repeat the same request a thousand times, but no one seriously pays attention to their partner’s words. It is as if the importance of words is constantly being devalued until someone starts shouting and swearing.
It is much easier to hear rudeness than to hear another person's need.
Try to understand what your partner is talking about. Try to figure out what he lacks and what he wants to get, without condemnation and ridicule, cynicism and irony. Tell him: "I hear you, you want such and such. I understand you."
- Learn to say the essence of the request without complaints.
For example: "I'm asking you to do exactly what I asked. If I'm asking you to vacuum the floor, then please just vacuum the floor." It's a simple request. It is easy to hear and perform.
You shouldn’t dump a stream of claims on your partner’s head in the form of a monologue. Remember: only make one or two requests at a time. If you drown your partner in a stream of requests and claims, he will think that it is completely impossible to satisfy you and will lose all hope for normal relationship with you.
- Take what the other person says as their subjective truth.
Often people really say what they want. The biggest mistake in relationships is constant suspicions with or without reason. We can suspect a person if we have real facts in hand. If there are no facts, then our suspicions may turn out to be groundless, and the accusations may already be said. Unfortunately, it is impossible to reverse the situation: “The word is not a sparrow; if it flies out, you won’t catch it.”
Do not question your partner’s opinion, feelings and experiences.
Don't think like this: “Yeah, now we have a truce, but it will end, and everything will start again - he will lie, call names and come whenever he wants.”
Approve and support even the smallest achievements of your partner, thank him for the fact that he (she) meets you halfway.
- Stop fantasizing and bringing past experiences into your relationship.
Often partners transfer the experience of past mental traumas into new relationships. For example: “My mother constantly ignored me, I will not allow my husband (wife) to neglect me!”
From this moment, problems in relationships begin. Now, even if the partner never intended to ignore his wife or husband, he will know that he will go crazy if he does not call him 20 times a day. Even absent-mindedness will be perceived as malicious inattention.
- Stop looking for your partner’s problems and study your own.
There is a great proverb that says: “I can see a speck in someone else’s eye, but I can’t see a log in my own.”
Start practicing self-improvement and personal growth, stop focusing on your partner’s problems.
If you engage him or her personal development, then you will very soon discover that your good intentions lead to a huge road to the hell of loneliness and mental pain. After all, your partner will perceive such “good” as persecution.
- Learn to make peace.
Radical integrity, bordering on righteous anger and fanaticism, leads to only one result - the destruction of relationships.
Learn to put up, soften the situation and engage in self-justification.
The other person needs justification, sympathy and understanding just as much as you do.
- Rational balance instead of demonstrative dramatization.
Implement all these practical advice This is only possible if you and your partner do not have strong characterological or emotional disturbances.
It is impossible to come to an agreement with a person if he is sick with alcoholism or drug addiction, suffers from depression, or is in love with himself for life. Any disturbance in mental life destabilizes a person and requires a different approach to the situation.
Remember that your partner should not live according to your ideas. It is possible to completely get rid of grievances only when each spouse learns to understand the other and receives satisfaction of their needs in the relationship.
Helping each other gain satisfaction from life, offer quality communication and a high level of relationships is only possible through joint efforts.
Under no circumstances should you take full responsibility for the relationship on yourself.
Relationships are always a matter of two.
But it is in your power to do so in order to save your friends
Friend, I remember you and don’t forget me
I remember our childhood, I remember everything until the last day
How they flew turned out to be days into weeks
Weeks into months and years, and now we've grown up
What we managed to achieve, didn’t have time, didn’t forget
How they quarreled, made up, and spent time together
What did you strive for in your life and what did you dream about?
We didn’t expect that we would be so different...
They didn’t understand me, they still don’t understand me
They trampled my thoughts, my views were reproached
And you couldn't understand that I needed help
That instead of peace there has long been war in my soul
I smiled to spite everyone and kept my pain inside
No one has heard the groans or the help of pleas
I survived that time alone, without miracles
Only you will understand that I am writing about what is!
Chorus:
Resentment towards friends in actions, disappointments
We take into account quarrels without reason
How many more wounds will friends inflict on the soul?
The question is immortalized in such a way that it cannot be broken.
The answer was buried, trampled on the way,
Don't forget your friends, never forget them
My friends, you are in my memory and heart forever.
Friend, don't be offended when I tell the truth
I'm not a pessimist, I just simply don't believe in tomorrow!
The author of our life forgot to add a couple of lines
My verse is unfinished, unfinished - that’s the result
We were always equal, but time broke something...
You have a girl, her love, her care
But I work all day and I don’t want to face it
That the meaning of life is in money; it is the solution to all problems,
And every time I drink you judge me
And you still don’t know what’s going on in my head
And if you don’t try to understand, at least admit it to yourself
Why have you been reluctant to dial my phone number for a long time?
What to do if your new friends
They change for you what I have always been for you
I kind of stayed, but somewhere far in the shadows
I didn’t share the path, if I offended you, forgive me...
Chorus 2x:
Resentment towards friends in actions, disappointments
We take into account quarrels without reason
How many more wounds will friends inflict on the soul?
The question is immortalized in such a way that it cannot be broken.
The answer was buried, trampled on the way
But you have the power to do what you can to save your friends.
Don't forget your friends, never forget them
My friends, you are in my memory and heart forever.
Resentment towards friends in actions, disappointments
We take into account quarrels without reason
How many more wounds will friends inflict on the soul?
The question is immortalized in such a way that it cannot be broken.
The answer was buried, trampled on the way
But you have the power to do what you can to save your friends.
Don't forget your friends, never forget them
My friends, you are in my memory and heart forever.
Chorus
Resentment towards friends in actions, disappointments
We take into account quarrels without reason
How many more wounds will friends inflict on the soul?
The question is immortalized in such a way that it cannot be broken.
The answer was buried, trampled on the way
But you have the power to do what you can to save your friends.
Don't forget your friends, never forget them
My friends, you are in my memory and heart forever...
But in your power to do so to save his friends
Friend, I remember you and you will not forget me
I remember our childhood, I remember everything until the last day
As they flew evolved in the days of the week
Weeks into months and years, and now we have grown up
Which managed to achieve, do not have time, do not forget
A quarrel, reconciled, the time spent together
Something to strive for in my life and dreamed about
What will be different so did not expect...
I don't understand, don't understand so far
Trampled my thoughts, my views put a reproach
And you could not understand me, that I needed help
That instead of peace in my heart for a long time war
I smiled in spite of all his pain and kept inside
Not who did not hear the moans and pleas help
I lived through that time alone, without miracles
Only one you"ll understand what I"m writing about what is!
Chorus:
Resentment against friends in action, frustration
Quarrels no reason to take into account
How many more soul wounds are applied to Friend
Question immortalized so that it can not break.
The answer is buried, trampled on the way
Do not forget your friends, do not forget them ever
My friends you are in mind and heart forever
Friend does not take offense when I say the truth
I am not a pessimist, I just simply do not believe in tomorrow!
Author of our lives forgot to add a couple of lines
My verse is not completed yet, this is the result not completed-
We have always been equal, but the time smashed something...
Do you have a girl, her love, her care
And I work all day and do not want to smeritsya so
What is the meaning of life with money in them the solution to all problems
And every time when I drink you condemn me
And what "s going on in my head still do not know
And do not try to understand, admit to himself at least
That the number of my long tube amassed reluctantly
What to do if your new friends
You change it than I ever was for you
I kind of was, but somewhere far away in the shade
Way I did not share , if offended then I"m sorry ...
Chorus 2x:
Resentment against friends in action, frustration
Quarrels no reason to take into account
How many more soul wounds are applied to Friend
Question immortalized so that it can not break.
The answer is buried, trampled on the way
But in your power to do so, that would save his friends
Do not forget your friends, do not forget them ever
My friends you are in mind and heart forever
Resentment against friends in action, frustration
Quarrels no reason to take into account
How many more soul wounds are applied to Friend
Question immortalized so that it can not break.
The answer is buried, trampled on the way
But in your power to do so, that would save his friends
Do not forget your friends, do not forget them ever
My friends you are in mind and heart forever
Chorus
Resentment against friends in action, frustration
Quarrels no reason to take into account
How many more soul wounds are applied to Friend
Question immortalized so that it can not break.
The answer is buried, trampled on the way
But in your power to do so, that would save his friends
Do not forget your friends, do not forget them ever
My friends you in mind and heart forever...
Friendship is not just a human relationship. It is built on trust, solidarity and tolerance. People who are friends learn not to pay attention to anyone social statuses, neither gender or race, nor age differences. But even the strongest relationships face disagreements and conflicts. In this article we will answer the most important question: what to do if you offended a friend?
Don't be afraid to ask for forgiveness
It is important to be able to sincerely apologize and understand why you are repentant. Therefore, before you go to ask for forgiveness, remember what exactly hurt your friend’s feelings. Perhaps he trusted you, told you the most secret secrets from his life, and in a quarrel you decided to use this knowledge against him.
If you betrayed him, then regaining your former trust will be very difficult. Knowing that you cannot be relied upon, your friend will become very wary even after forgiveness. Don't go to a person without a prepared speech. Of course, you don't need to memorize a whole sheet of paper in advance for it to look flattering and artificial. Just prepare a cheat sheet for yourself that will help you if you get nervous or confused.
Do something nice
When deciding what to do if you have offended a friend, it is important to find the right approach to the person you have hurt. Remember what your friend loves most. For example, fishing, football, shopping, computer games or sports. Arrange a reconciliatory day for him by giving him something that his friend will be delighted with. There is nothing more powerful than a common cause that brings several people closer to each other.
You don't have to buy something expensive and incredibly valuable. What matters is not how much the gift costs, but whether it was made with soul or not. If you buy something just because of your own selfishness, in order to regain your former relationship with a person, then you can be sure that after a short period conflicts and disagreements may arise between you again.
Try to restore former trust
Many girls ask themselves the question: what to do when you offend a friend? Of course, after any quarrel there can be an unpleasant aftertaste, so you need to give your relationship time to recover.
But before this period, you will have to make every effort so that you can become good friends again:
- Firstly, if you want to find the answer to the question of how to correct the situation when you offended a friend, then remember about support. Every person needs to understand other people. Therefore, support your friend, do not leave him in trouble, but keep your distance so that this relationship does not develop into a consumer relationship.
- Secondly, be present in his life, don’t disappear for long and keep in touch. Any conflict can be resolved, but it is important to give the person time to think it over and cool down.
How to offend a friend? A few mistakes you can avoid
Never provoke a person during a quarrel, otherwise this may lead to the outbreak of a strong conflict. Try to avoid disagreements and give everyone time. Surely you didn’t specifically think about how to offend your friend, but everything turned out to be quite simple. For example, you used the knowledge you gained about your friend against him.
If you found out his deepest secret and told someone about it, this is enough to end the warmest relationship. After all, friendship is more than just knowing someone. When you trust each other, you agree to keep other people's secrets and provide moral support.
When they offended you
Many people do not pay attention to the fact that they offended a friend, even though they still feel awkward. But if you are the one who faced a conflict and remained a victim in it, then here are some tips that will help you cope with the unpleasant feeling of betrayal:
- Never be dramatic. Analyze the situation and remember what exactly got you into the quarrel. If there is nothing serious, then you should not be mortally offended by your friend. If he betrayed you or insulted you, then think about whether you need such a person next to you?
- Don't have any false illusions. If you are sure that you are not to blame for the quarrel, then do not rush to be the first to restore the relationship. Give your friend some time to cool down and think things over, and then apologize - sincerely and innocently. But at the same time, do not harbor false hopes that he will come to you to confess on the very first day. Sometimes it takes people years to do this.
- Try to pull yourself together. Of course, even the smallest quarrel can unsettle you. Most people withdraw into themselves, they lose their appetite, they are ready to just lie down and not get up from the couch until everything comes together. Get busy, don't let me negative emotions and thoughts consume yourself. Work and hobbies are the best cure for mental illness.
Any disagreements can be resolved. The main thing is not to be afraid to show sincere feelings, apologize and rebuild again. All you need is a little faith in yourself, and if you obsess over what words were said to you, then you will never be able to trust people again. If I offended you best friend, do not rush to be mortally offended by him. Find out the reasons why he did this, maybe he was just having a bad day.
