The relationship between parents and children is a complex system of relationships, the subject of study of the psychology of parenthood, the purpose of which is to determine the mechanisms for the development of relationships between parents and children, the mutual influence of generations on each other, as well as the prevention of psychological problems of mutual understanding between parents and children. Difficulties in the relationship between parents and children are the most common reason families turn to psychologists. The modern institution of the family is in crisis. The instability of family relations, the loss of the ability and desire to raise a child properly is determined by a number of external and internal factors. What factors influence the relationship between parents and children? What are the main mistakes modern parents make that critically affect the formation of the child's personality?

Relationships between parents and children: general theoretical concepts and relationships

There is not a single psychological theory that allows building an ideal relationship between parents and children due to the individuality of the characters of each of the participants in the system, circumstances, external and internal factors. It is impossible to build ideal human relationships according to a certain model, however, by studying the psychology of parenthood, comprehending the theoretical foundations of the relationship between parents and children, many mistakes can be avoided.

Parenthood is a manifestation of the parental instinct in a person of a behavioral, emotional and social nature. Conscious parenthood is based on the unconscious instinct of reproduction, as well as on social norms, according to which the family is the basic unit of society and is characterized by the union of a man and a woman, common life, the desire to give birth, raise and socialize children.

For a child, the family is the main habitat, development and psychological formation. It is in the family during early childhood that the child comprehends the basic models of social relationships (including the relationship between parents and children, using the example of the relationship between parents and the older generation). Childhood is the main period of human development, when he learns to cognize the world, comprehends the basic mechanisms of cognition, the foundations of relationships between people. Psychologists believe that it is in childhood that the basic skills and abilities, the psychological qualities of a person’s character, are laid, which he only develops throughout his subsequent life.

The institution of the family is extremely important for the child, since the period of childhood is characterized by partial isolation from society. Parents for a child are the main source of comprehension of human relations.

The formation of a child's personality is influenced not only by the relationship of his parents to the child himself, but also by the relationship of parents to each other. So, if the child receives enough attention from the father and mother, both parents take an equally active part in his upbringing, the child is surrounded by care and love, but tensions arise between the parents themselves, then this situation will be reflected in the child's later life.

The atmosphere of the family can influence the child in two ways: his personal development (psychological problems, internal contradictions, complexes, fears), the formation of his relationships in society (the tendency to be alone in order to avoid relationship problems). This influence can manifest itself both in early childhood (preschool, school age), and at a more mature age at the time of creating one's family or a conscious refusal to create one's family. It is impossible to accurately predict at what stage of the child's development the effect of the unhealthy atmosphere of the family in which the child grew up and was brought up will manifest itself. However, it can be unequivocally argued that an unhealthy family atmosphere, complex relationships between parents and children will be reflected in the future life of the child.

It is false to believe that the child does not perceive the attitudes of adults, that he is unable to understand most of the problems of adult life. As a rule, a child is more receptive not to situations, conflicts, objects, circumstances, but to the emotional background that accompanies this or that situation in his life.

It should be understood that the child is a kind of imitator, he adopts the basics of his character, behavior, attitude towards people from his parents, moreover, starting to comprehend the basics of relationships from infancy (tone of voice in a conversation with certain family members, clear patterns of behavior in certain situations ). As a result, by a conscious age, when the child shows the first personality traits, parents are faced with nothing more than the quintessence of their own character traits, mannerisms and behavioral styles.

Relationships between parents and children: the main mistakes of generations

The relationship between parents and children is largely determined by external factors, which include material well-being, housing conditions, and the social status of the family. The internal factors that determine the relationship between parents and children include the culture and upbringing of parents, spirituality and morality, awareness of the spiritual value of the family, marriage, and relationships between loved ones. The relationship between parents and children is largely determined by the way of life of the family, well-being and prosperity, a sense of calm and confidence, security of each family member, his desire to support and develop the family.

In many ways, the relationship between generations is determined by the mutual understanding of parents and children, which should be based on loyalty and tolerance to the needs of others. The main mistakes made by adults in the relationship between parents and children boil down to the fact that in most cases parents transfer insults, contradictions, conflicts that they experienced during periods of their childhood into the plane of new family relationships. The use of the experience of past relationships and generations is not a contraindication to building new relationships, but in most situations, psychologists are faced with the problem of unconscious copying of their parents' behavior patterns, repeating their mistakes, which affects the freedom of each participant in the relationship, infringement of his interests, the formation of a deliberately unhealthy attitude towards institution of the family in children.

Parents and children: the psychology of relationships in practice

Relationship psychology will not tell you how to build the right relationship between parents and children, but this science will allow you to study the main mistakes of generations and avoid them in practice. The main rule that parents need to realize relates to the individuality of each situation and each participant in family relationships, which allows us to argue that blindly following generally accepted patterns of behavior in the development of relationships and mutual understanding between parents and children can not only be ineffective in a particular case, but also significantly aggravate situation. In the issue of parents and children, the psychology of relationships offers only an individual approach, which takes into account the interests of all parties.

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Zhdanova Julia

This work is the final project of a 9th grade student. The theoretical and practical aspects of the relationship between parents and children are considered. Attention is paid to the following issues: styles of education, methods and forms of family education, causes and ways to resolve family conflicts.

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MBOU lyceum №3

Final project

Topic Relationship between parents and children in the family»
Project type research
Executor student of 9 "A" class Zhdanova Yuliya
Head Shkalenko N.I. ……………………………………………………...

Voronezh

1. Introduction3-4
2. Main part

2.1 Theoretical aspect of the study of the relationship between parents and children.

2.1.1 Parenting styles and their impact on the child5-6

2.1.2 Methods and forms of family education7-8

2.1.3 Types of family education9-12

2.2 The practical aspect of studying the relationship between parents and children

2.2.1 Methodology "Drawing a family" 14-15
2.2.2 16-17

2.2.3 Test of parental attitude (A.Ya. Varga, V.V. Stolin)18-22

2.2.4 23-25

2.3 Conflicts between children and parents26
2.3.1 Causes of conflict situations 27-28

2.3.2 Ways to resolve conflict situations29-30

3. Conclusion 31-32

4. References 33

Introduction

Most often, the family has the greatest influence on a person. And first of all, the personality of the child is formedparents . They help the child learn the rules of behavior in society, understand what is happening, teach communication and interaction with people, compassion. The relationship between the child and his parents largely determines how he will grow up, how he will build his relationships with others.After all, the family lays the model of behavior for the child for the rest of his life.The child will grow up, but the personal qualities formed in him, spiritual and moral values, moral norms will remain.The family can act as both a positive and a negative factor in upbringing. The positive impact on the personality of the child is that no one, except for the people closest to him in the family - mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, brother, sister - treats the child better, does not love him and does not care so much about him . In some families, parents and children treat each other with respect and understanding, support each other in difficult situations and rejoice in victories together. In other families, there is disrespect and misunderstanding towards each other. Usually, in such families, parents decide everything for the children, without giving them the right to choose. So what can be the relationship between parents and children in the family?
A child who grew up in a defective family, in a family with a pronounced antipathy towards the child, grows up socially maladjusted. Often such children withdraw into themselves, cannot overcome the obstacles that arise in their life path, and even become aggressive. Such children may lag behind in development, they may develop mental disorders. This makes it difficult to lead a fulfilling life. In recent years, scientific interest in the problem of conflict has increased significantly. Especially important from this point of view is adolescence as the most complex, controversial and therefore the most conflicting. One of the most important aspects of this problem is the issue of conflicts between adolescents and their parents.
Small and large conflicts, quarrels between teenagers and adults are constant sources of tension and stress for both. And this means that both parents and teenagers are constantly tense, make many mistakes, constantly break down.
In connection with the special educational role of the family, the question arises of how to do so in order to maximize the positive and minimize the negative impact on children. At present, the problem of the relationship between a parent and a child is of great relevance, as it is one of the most important components of the state policy of preserving the health of the nation. Problem The relationship between parents and children is complex and paradoxical. Its complexity lies in the hidden, intimate nature of human relations, the scrupulousness of "external" penetration into them. And the paradox is that, for all its importance, parents usually do not notice it, because they do not have the necessary psychological and pedagogical information for this. The relevance of this work is determined by the difficult situation in modern society. There is a lot of cruelty, evil, indifference of people to others in the world, and sometimes even to their relatives and friends. Crime is growing every day. And all this is often the result of improper upbringing, the result of parents showing aggression towards children, or simply indifference. Another problem is that most family conflicts are associated with the inability or unwillingness to understand each other: parents - children, children - parents. With my work, I want to draw attention to the solution of this problem, since it is a key one in the relationship between generations. I chose this topic because I myself am in my teens, it is important for me to understand what the relationship between parents and children themselves should be like. Solving this problem plays a big role for our generation.
Subject of study: the conditions of positive relationships in the family.
The purpose of the work: to identify the position of parents and their relationship with children
Research objectives:
1. To study the theoretical literature on this issue.
2. Experimentally study the types and characteristics of the relationship between parents and children.
3. Explore conflicts in the interaction of parents and children.
4. Reveal the relationship between the relationship between parents and their position and the emotional state of the child.
Hypothesis. In a family, positive relationships between parents and children are established if:

2. Favorable relations have been established in the family between parents and children.
To prove the hypothesis, research work was carried out:
1. Method "Family Drawing"
2. Method of identification of children with parents (questionnaire A.I. Zarova)
3.
4. Methodology "Strategies of family education"

Theoretical aspect of the study of the relationship between parents and children

Parenting styles and their impact on the child

There are 4 styles of education in the family: democratic, authoritarian, liberal, indifferent.

Democratic (authoritative). This type is based on the recognition of the child's rights to independence, activity, creativity, opinions, mistakes. The child is a full participant dialogue , listen to him, his hear . The undeniable priority of education is happiness child, both momentary (here and now) and in the future. This style of interaction does not negate the authority of an adult, but it imposes a number of requirements on the personality of the parent. The parent understands which requirements need to be dictated and which ones should be discussed. Within reasonable limits, he is ready to reconsider his positions, to compromise. First of all, this is a rejection of a comfortable position “on top” in favor of a position “nearby, together”. The main thing in this style of education - mutual trust .
Authoritarian. An adult has a good idea of ​​what a child should be like and makes every effort to bring him closer to the "ideal". Categorical demands, intransigence, excessive demands. The attitude of an adult to a child is based on the opinion that the child is not independent, inactive, that various manipulations can be performed with him that will effectively affect the development of the child and lead to the desired result. The result, it is important to note, is obviously known to an adult: "an obedient, executive, convenient child." The interests and opinions of the child are not decisive.Authoritarian style is a pedagogy of suppression, violence and coercion.
Liberal. This style of parenting is based on giving the child freedom, often unlimited. An adult highly appreciates the child, considers his weaknesses forgivable, communicates easily, trusts the opinion of the child, is not prone to prohibitions, restrictions and control. Can a child exist without restrictions and prohibitions? As a rule, a child whose behavior is always accepted by parents, whose misdeeds are turned a blind eye, experiences significant difficulties when entering a kindergarten or school. After all, such a child did not have the opportunity to get used to the fact that there may be restrictions and rules in life. Faced with prohibitions that are unpleasant for themselves, the child will respond with disobedience.
Indifferent (permissive). The problems of education are not paramount in an adult. Parents who are busy, get tired, exhausted at work, sometimes "not up to the child." The child has to solve his own problems (“let him grow up on his own, but I have no time”). As a rule, children very keenly feel their uselessness, unimportance. The indifference of the closest people becomes the basis for the formation of a negative self-esteem of the child.
Obviously, it is the democratic style that is the ideal of education. However, exclusive adherence to it is also fraught with serious problems.

In the earliest stages of its development, a helpless child simply does not have the potential to be a participant in equal interaction. Education at this stage can be regarded only as the influence of the elder on the child. But in the course of development, the process gradually acquires a mutually directed form, at first sharply asymmetric. A person becomes an equal participant in the interaction only upon reaching maturity. The task of the elders is to feel the pace of this progressive process and not make useless attempts to slow it down or speed it up.

Thus, in the early stages of a child's development, some elements of authoritarianism in his upbringing are useful and necessary. In some cases, one should not arrange a discussion about the expediency of some action, but unequivocally demand its implementation. The child learns to regulate his behavior gradually; at first, the regulatory function belongs to an adult. If there is no external regulation, the child's behavior continues to remain spontaneous, impulsive, and irresponsible for a long time. As the child grows older, he acquires the ability to accept external, social norms, requirements and restrictions as his own life attitudes. This is facilitated by healthy relationships in the family, which, losing elements of authoritarianism, are becoming more democratic.

So, elements of an authoritarian parenting style at a certain stage of a child's development can play a positive role. But if relationships in the family are constantly built on authoritarian principles, this leads to distortions in the development of the individual. Equally, the opposite extreme can give rise to promiscuity and personal immaturity.

Methods and forms of family education

The methods of raising children in the family are the ways (methods) by which the purposeful pedagogical influence of parents on the consciousness and behavior of children is carried out. They have their own specifics: the impact on the child is individual, based on specific actions and adapted to the personality, the choice of methods depends on the pedagogical culture of the parents: understanding the purpose of education, parental role, ideas about values, style of family relationships, etc. Therefore, the methods of family education bear a bright imprint of the personality of the parents and are inseparable from them. How many parents - so many varieties of methods. For example, persuasion for some parents is a soft suggestion, for others it is a threat, a cry. When relations with children in a family are close, warm, friendly, the main method is encouragement. In cold, aloof relationships, strictness and punishment naturally prevail. The methods are very dependent on the educational priorities set by the parents: some want to cultivate obedience, and therefore their methods are aimed at ensuring that the child fulfills the requirements of adults without fail. Others consider it more important to teach independent thinking, taking the initiative and, naturally, find appropriate methods for this. All parents use common methods of family education: persuasion (explanation, suggestion, advice); personal example; encouragement (praise, gifts, an interesting perspective for children); punishment (deprivation of pleasure, rejection of friendship, corporal punishment). In some families, on the advice of teachers, educational situations are created and used. There are various means of solving educational problems in the family. Among these means: the word, folklore, parental authority, work, teaching, nature, domestic life, national customs, traditions, public opinion, the spiritual and moral climate of the family, the press, radio, television, daily routine, literature, museums and exhibitions, games and toys, demonstrations, physical education, sports, celebrations, symbols, paraphernalia, relics, etc. The choice and application of parenting practices are based on a number of general conditions. Parents' knowledge of their children, their positive and negative qualities: what they read, what they are interested in, what assignments they carry out, what difficulties they experience, what kind of relationship with classmates and teachers, adults, small ones, what they value most in people, etc. Many parents do not know what books their children read, what films they watch, what music they like, more than half of the parents cannot say anything about their children's hobbies. The personal experience of parents, their authority, the nature of relations in the family, the desire to educate by personal example also affect the choice of methods. This group of parents usually chooses visual methods, relatively more often uses teaching. If parents prefer joint activities, then practical methods usually prevail. Intensive communication during joint work, watching TV shows, hiking, walking gives good results: children are more frank, this helps parents understand them better. There is no joint activity, there is no reason or opportunity for communication. The pedagogical culture of parents has a decisive influence on the choice of methods, means, and forms of education. It has long been noticed that in the families of teachers, educated people, children are always better brought up. Consequently, teaching pedagogy, mastering the secrets of educational influence is not at all a luxury, but a practical necessity. “Pedagogical knowledge of parents is especially important at a time when father and mother are the only educators of their child ... At the age of 2 to 6 years, the mental development, spiritual life of children depends to a decisive extent on ... the elementary pedagogical culture of mother and father, which is expressed in a wise understanding of the most complex mental movements of a developing person,” wrote VL. Sukhomlinsky..

Types of family education

The type of family education is a gross, integrative characteristic of intra-family relations, the attitude of parents to their parental duty, various kinds of value orientations, attitudes, emotional attitude towards the child, and the level of parental competence.
The nature of family education is largely a consequence of parental position. Usually, there are three criteria for evaluating parental positions - adequacy, dynamism and predictability. Adequacy characterizes the orientation of parents in the individual psychological characteristics of the child, his age characteristics, as well as the degree of awareness of these characteristics. Dynamism is a measure of the mobility of parental positions, the variability of the forms and methods of communication and interaction with the child (the perception of the child as a person, the degree of flexibility in communicating with the child in various situations, the variability of the forms and methods of influencing the child depending on age). Predictability - the ability of parents to foresee the prospects for the development of the child and to restructure interaction with the child.
The following specific parameters are usually distinguished as the basis for classifying family education by types and types:

1) the degree of emotional acceptance by the parents of the child, interest in him,

2) the degree of manifestation of care,

3) exactingness,

4) consistency in the implementation of the parenting style,

5) affective stability of parents,

6) anxiety,

7) the nature of the management system in the family as a whole.

Types of families by parameters:

For each of these parameters, several cases of differential value can be distinguished:

1 - acceptance / indifference / rejection

2 - caring / carefree

3 - permissive (kind) / allowing / situational / restrictive

4 - consistency / inconsistency

5 - stability / instability

6 - anxiety / calmness

As you can see, theoretically there can be up to 3*2*4*2*2*2*3=576 types of family education. However, in real life, not all of these species are equally common. In the course of various studies, the following eight most common types of family education have been identified.

Emotional rejection.
The upbringing of a child is accompanied by coldness, sometimes - however - capable of being interrupted by periods of exaggerated sympathy, attention and care from the parents. With their emotions, parents do not follow the emotions of the child, quite quickly, and the child unlearns to follow his parents with his emotions. As a result, he develops a poor emotional sphere, low self-esteem, a feeling of loneliness. Often such children find a way out in their studies.

Cruel attitude.
Often abusive attitudes are combined with emotional rejection. In such families, severe reprisals often occur for minor misconduct or disobedience. Cruelty can be not only physical, but also psychological: emphasized indifference, all sorts of "curses", psychological pressure, verbal aggression. A cruel attitude often results in the child's aggressiveness, various kinds of personality disorders.

Increased moral responsibility.
An increased level of parental expectations regarding the present and future, success, abilities and talents of the child. Assigning unbearable and age-inappropriate responsibilities. The expectation from the child that he realizes their unfulfilled desires and aspirations. The predominance of the rational aspect in education: excessive moralizing and exactingness, formality in the approach to the child, leading in many ways to asexual upbringing and emotional flattening of the child, his inability to fit into an emotionally colored, ambivalent situation.

Contradictory upbringing.
The combination of different styles in the same family, incompatible with each other and not adequate to each other, which manifests itself in open conflicts, competition and confrontation of family members. The result of such upbringing can be high anxiety, insecurity, low unstable self-esteem of the child. The inconsistency of education contributes to the development of internal conflict in the child. Inconsistency, inconsistency give rise to situational behavior of the child, deceit.

Hypoprotection.
Lack of guardianship and control, true interest and attention to the affairs of the child. In the extreme form - neglect. Often, with this type of upbringing, children gain independence early. Obvious disadvantages: a high risk of falling under the negative influence of strangers, lack of education.
One of the options for hypoprotection is hidden hypoprotection, in which care and upbringing takes on a very formal character ("for show"). Often the cause of latent hypoprotection is emotional rejection.
Another variant of hypoprotection - condoning hypoprotection - is characterized by a combination of a lack of parental supervision with an uncritical attitude towards violations in the child's behavior and his bad deeds.

Hyperprotection.
Another name is overprotection. Increased guardianship and control, interest in the affairs of the child becomes painful. Often the reason for hyperprotection is the mother's status as a housewife, while wanting to assert herself as an "ideal mother". Hyperprotection negatively affects the development of independence, initiative and the formation of a sense of duty and responsibility of the child. Also, the cause of hyperprotection may be the unfulfilled need of parents for affection and love.
There may be a number of motives associated with negative experiences: concern for the future of the child, fear of unhappiness with the child, fear of loneliness, low social status, the desire to dominate everything, neurotic manifestations. The dominant hyperprotection is excessive guardianship, petty control, a complex system of continuous prohibitions and the inability for the child to ever make his own decision. The main idea of ​​this type of upbringing is "everything that is not allowed is forbidden." Such intensity of educational activities is rightly perceived by the child as psychological pressure. Indulgent hyperprotection - upbringing according to the type of "child is the idol of the family." Characteristic features: excessive patronage, the desire to free the child from the slightest difficulties, to satisfy all his needs. The obvious consequence of such upbringing is the strengthening of egocentric tendencies in the development of the personality, the difficulty in the formation of collectivism, the selective assimilation of moral norms, and low achievement motivation.

Hypochondria.
With this type of upbringing, illness is the semantic center of family life. This usually happens in families where the child has suffered or suffers from chronic diseases for a long time. The result - the child's self-esteem becomes inextricably linked with the disease. Everything that does not happen around, the child refracts through the prism of the disease. Over time, he gets used to putting pressure on the pity of the people around him, sticking out the symptoms of his illness, he develops egocentrism and an inadequate level of claims.

Love.
Parents love the child, imbued with his interests. They try to treat him evenly and fairly. They take care of the manifestation of initiative by the child, if the child is in a difficult hopeless situation, they help. Parents are emotionally stable, calm, reasonable. The family management style is democratic. The voice of the child is taken into account in solving a number of specific problems.

The practical aspect of studying the relationship between parents and children

Character Study Study
relationships in the family was carried out using the following
methods.These methods are designed to diagnose family relationships, analyze deviations in upbringing and identify the causes of their occurrence.

1. Method "Family Drawing"
2. Method of identification of children with parents (questionnaire A.I. Zarova)
3. Test - questionnaire of parental attitude towards children (A.Ya. Varga, V.V. Stolin)
4. Methodology "Strategies of family education"
The study involved 27 adolescents (14 years old) and 20 adults (30-40 years old).

Methodology "Family Drawing"

The essence of the test: the child is given a standard sheet of paper, a set of colored pencils (it is better not to give a simple pencil, a pen, an eraser), they ask: "Draw your family." At the same time, there is no need to remind who is part of the family, let him draw as he imagines. If a child asks who to draw, give him complete freedom, let him draw at least animals, the drawing will still be quite informative. After finishing drawing, ask leading questions: who is drawn where, what family members are doing, who is in what mood, etc.
The quantitative evaluation system takes into account the formal and content features of the drawing. The quality of lines, the arrangement of objects in a drawing, the erasure of the entire drawing or its individual parts, and the shading of individual parts of the drawing are considered formal. The meaningful characteristics of the picture are the depicted activities of family members, their interaction and location, as well as the relationship of things and people in the picture. Children's drawings were analyzed by the number of points scored in the presence of certain symptoms.
Interpretation rules
1. If someone from the family is missing in the picture, then this may mean:
the presence of negative unconscious feelings towards this person. For example, strong jealousy for a younger brother; the child, as it were, argues: “I must love my brother, but he annoys me, this is bad. Therefore, I won’t draw anything at all.”
the complete absence of emotional contact with the “forgotten” person in the drawing. This person, as it were, simply does not exist in the emotional world of the child.
2. The author himself is missing from the figure.
This could mean:
difficulties in relationships with loved ones: “I am not noticed here”, “I feel rejected”, “It is difficult for me to find my place in the family”.
the child is “torn away” from the family: “They don’t accept me, well, it’s not necessary, and it’s not bad without them.”
3. In the picture - a fictional family member.
The child is trying to fill the vacuum in the feelings that were not received in the family.

4. The size of the depicted characters shows their significance for the child
5. The size of the child on the sheet. If the child draws himself very small, located in the corner of the sheet, he has low self-esteem at the moment, or he considers himself the smallest in the family. Children with high self-esteem draw themselves very large, even larger than their parents.
6. The location of the child in the figure reflects his position in the family. When he is in the center, between mom and dad, or draws himself first, it means that he feels needed and necessary in the house. If a child portrayed himself separately from the rest, or painted himself last, this is a sign of jealousy, trouble.
7. The distance between the images indicates emotional closeness or, conversely, disunity. The farther the figures are located from each other, the greater their emotional disunity.
8. The sequence of images of family members. Usually the first child draws either himself, or the most beloved family member, or the most significant, authoritative person in the family. Usually the most recent relative drawn has the lowest authority.
9. Arrangement of figures on the sheet. The highest is the character who, according to the child, has the greatest significance in the family.
10. The character or object that causes the greatest anxiety in the child.
Depicted with increased pencil pressure, or heavily shaded.
11. Parts of the body.
12. The color scheme of the picture is an indicator of the palette of feelings.
13. Does the child draw only himself, "forgetting" to draw everyone else? This often indicates that he does not feel like a member of the family.
13. The sun in the figure is a symbol of protection and warmth.
14. The abundance of small details, closed details (scarves, buttons) signal prohibitions, secrets to which the child is not allowed.
1. 98% of the drawings of children were attended by all family members
2. 97% of the drawings were attended by the author himself.
3. 99% of the drawings did not depict fictitious family members.
4. In 40% of children, the mother is shown larger in the figure, in 50% of children, the father is larger in the figure, in 10% of children, the child himself.
5. In 10% of the drawings, the author himself was depicted too small, in another 10% - too large, in 80% - standard.
6. In 60% of the drawings, the author was depicted first or in the center, in 40% of the drawing the author was depicted last or separately from the rest.
7. On 40% of the drawings, the distance between the images was very small, on 20% of the drawings - very large, on 40% - medium.
8. In 40% of the drawings, the child was depicted last, in 15% - the first, in 40% of the drawings the father was depicted first.
9. In 40% of the drawings, the father was depicted above all, 40% - the mother, 10% - the child himself.
10. At 10%, with the pressure of a pencil, mom was depicted, at 10% - dad.
11. In 5% of the drawings, some family members were depicted with a large head.

12. The drawings were drawn with a simple pencil.
13. 40% of the drawings depicted the sun.
14. 35% of the drawings depicted small details.

Method of identification of children with parents (questionnaire A.I. Zarova)

Through this technique, the competence and prestige of parents in the perception of children, and the features of emotional relationships with parents are diagnosed.

The child is asked the following set of questions.

1. If you participated in the game "Family", then who would you portray, who would you become in it - mom, dad or yourself? (To eliminate suggestive influence, the last words in the question are interchanged, for example: "dad, mom or myself", "myself, mom or dad", etc. The subjects must choose between the image of themselves and one of the parents).
2. Who do you live with at home? (Who do you have at home? - for preschoolers).
3. Who in the family, in your opinion, is the main parent or is there no head in the family?
4. When you grow up, will you do the same thing that your dad (mother - for girls) does at work or something else?
5. When you become an adult and you have a boy (a girl - according to the gender of the subject), you will also educate him (play, study with him - for preschoolers), as your dad is raising you now (mother - for girls), or not, differently?
6. If there was no one at home for a long time, then which parent would you like to see first of all? (How would you like someone to enter the room first? - for preschoolers).
7. If grief, misfortune, misfortune happened to you (one of the guys would offend you - among preschoolers), would you tell your dad (mother - among girls) about this or not?
8. If grief, misfortune, misfortune happened to you (one of the guys would offend you - among preschoolers), would you tell your mother (dad - among girls) about this or not?
9. Are you afraid that your father will punish you (mother - for girls) or are you not afraid?
10. Are you afraid that your mother will punish you (dad - for girls) or are you not afraid?

• Through the first 5 questions, the competence and prestige of parents in the perception of children are diagnosed, the remaining questions are aimed at identifying the features of emotional relationships with parents.
  As a result of this technique with adolescents, we obtained the following results:
  1. 70% of girls answered that they were mothers, 30% - themselves. 80% of boys - dad, 20% - themselves.
  2. 25% - “mom, dad, me”, 15% - “mom, dad, me, sister / brother”, 20% - “mom, me, sister / brother”, 30% - “mom, me”, 10% - "I, grandmother."
  3. 60% of children answered "mom", 40% - "dad".
  4. 70% answered "no", 30% answered "yes".
  5. 40% answered yes, 60% answered no.
  6. 70% answered "mom", 30% - "dad".
  7. 60% of boys answered "yes", 40% - "no", 65% of girls answered "yes", 35% - "no".
  8. 85% of boys answered "no", 15 - "yes", 60% of girls answered "no", 40% - "yes".
  9. 80% answered "yes", 20% - "no".
  10. 80% answered "yes", 20% - "no".

Test of parental attitude (A.Ya. Varga, V.V. Stolin)
Scales: acceptance / rejection of the child, cooperation, symbiosis, control, attitude to the failures of the child

Purpose of the test

Parental attitude is understood as a system of various feelings and actions of adults towards children. From a psychological point of view, parental attitude is a pedagogical social attitude towards children, which includes rational, emotional and behavioral components. All of them, to one degree or another, are assessed using a questionnaire that forms the basis of this technique.

When answering the questions of the methodology, the subject must express his agreement or disagreement with them using the “Yes” or “No” ratings.

Test
1. I always sympathize with my child.
2. I consider it my duty to know everything my child is thinking.
3. It seems to me that my child's behavior deviates significantly from the norm.
4. You need to keep the child away from real life problems longer if they hurt him.
5. I feel sympathy for the child.
6. I respect my child.
7. Good parents protect the child from the difficulties of life.
8. My child is often unpleasant to me.
9. I always try to help my child.
10. There are times when an unkind attitude towards a child benefits him.
11. In relation to my child, I feel annoyed.
12. My child will not achieve anything in life.
13. It seems to me that other children make fun of my child.
14. My child often does things that deserve condemnation.
15. My child is mentally retarded and looks underdeveloped for his age.
16. My child behaves badly on purpose to annoy me.
17. My child, like a sponge, absorbs all the worst.
18. With all the effort my child is difficult to teach good manners.
19. A child from childhood should be kept within strict limits, only then a good person will grow out of him.
20. I love it when my child's friends come to our house.
21. I always take part in the games and activities of the child.
22. Everything bad constantly “sticks” to my child.
23. My child will not succeed in life.
24. When the company talks about children, I feel ashamed that my child is not as smart and capable as other children.
25. I feel sorry for my child.
26. When I compare my child with peers, they seem to me more well-mannered and more reasonable than my child.
27. I enjoy spending my free time with my child.
28. I often regret that my child is growing up, and fondly remember the time when he was still very young.
29. I often catch myself with hostility and hostility towards the child.
30. I dream of my child achieving what I personally did not succeed in life.
31. Parents should not only demand from the child, but also adapt themselves to him, treat him with respect as a person.
32. I try to fulfill all the requests and wishes of my child.
33. When making decisions in the family, the opinion of the child should be taken into account.
34. I am very interested in my child's life.
35. I often admit that the child is right in his own way in his demands and claims.
36. Children learn early that parents can make mistakes.
37. I always consider the child.
38. I have friendly feelings towards the child.
39. The main reason for my child's whims is selfishness, laziness and stubbornness.
40. If you spend a vacation with a child, then it is impossible to have a normal rest.
41. The most important thing is that the child has a calm, carefree childhood.
42. Sometimes it seems to me that my child is not capable of anything good.
43. I share my child's hobbies.
44. My child can piss anyone off.
45. The grief of my child is always close and understandable to me.
46. ​​My child often annoys me.
47. Raising a child is a complete hassle.
48. Strict discipline in childhood develops a strong character.
49. I don't trust my child.
50. For strict upbringing, children later thank their parents.
51. Sometimes it seems to me that I hate my child.
52. My child has more faults than virtues.
53. The interests of my child are close to me, I share them.
54. My child is not able to do anything on his own, and if he does, then it certainly does not work out the way it should.
55. My child will grow up not adapted to life.
56. I like my child the way he is.
57. I carefully monitor the health of my child.
58. I admire my child.
59. A child should not have secrets from parents.
60. I have a low opinion of my child's abilities and do not hide it from him.
61. A child should be friends with those children that his parents like.

PROCESSING AND INTERPRETATION OF TEST RESULTS

Key to the test

Child acceptance/rejection: -3, 5, 6, -8, -10, -12, -14, -15, -16, -18, 20, -23, -24, -26, 27, -29, 37 , 38, -39, -40, -42, 43, -44, 45, -46, -47, -49, -51, -52, 53, -55, 56, -60.
Cooperation: 21, 25, 31, 33, 34, 35, 36.
Symbiosis: 1, 4, 7, 28, 32.41, 58.
Control: 2, 19, 30, 48, 50, 57, 59.
Attitude to the failures of the child: 9, 11, 13, 17, 22, 54, 61.

For each “Yes” response, the subject receives 1 point, and for each “No” response, 0 points. If there is a “-” sign before the answer number, then one point is awarded for the answer “No” to this question, and 0 points for the answer “Yes”.

Description of scales

Acceptance / rejection of the child. This scale expresses a general emotionally positive (acceptance) or emotionally negative (rejection) attitude towards the child.

Cooperation. This scale expresses the desire of adults to cooperate with the child, the manifestation of sincere interest on their part and participation in his affairs.

Symbiosis. The questions on this scale are focused on finding out whether the adult is striving for unity with the child or, on the contrary, is trying to maintain a psychological distance between the child and himself. This is a kind of contact between a child and an adult.

Control. This scale characterizes how adults control the child's behavior, how democratic or authoritarian they are in relations with him.

Attitude to the failures of the child. This scale shows how adults relate to the child's abilities, to his strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures.

Interpretation of test results

Scale "Acceptance / Rejection"

High scores on the scale (from 24 to 33) indicate that this subject has a pronounced positive attitude towards the child. An adult in this case accepts the child as he is, respects and recognizes his individuality, approves his interests, supports plans, spends a lot of time with him and does not regret it.

Low scores on a scale (from 0 to 8) indicate that an adult experiences mostly only negative feelings towards a child: irritation, anger, annoyance, even sometimes hatred. Such an adult considers the child a failure, does not believe in his future, evaluates his abilities low, and often treats the child with his attitude. It is clear that an adult with such inclinations cannot be a good teacher.

Scale "Cooperation"

High scores on the scale (6-7 points) are a sign that an adult shows a sincere interest in what the child is interested in, highly appreciates the child's abilities, encourages the child's independence and initiative, and tries to be equal with him.

Low scores on the given scale (1-2 points) indicate that an adult behaves in the opposite way towards a child and cannot claim to be a good teacher.

Scale "Symbiosis"

High scores on the scale (6-7 points) are sufficient to conclude that this adult does not establish a psychological distance between himself and the child, tries to always be closer to him, satisfy his basic reasonable needs, and protect him from trouble .

Low scores on the scale (1-2 points) are a sign that an adult, on the contrary, establishes a significant psychological distance between himself and the child, cares little about him. It is unlikely that such an adult can be a good teacher and educator for a child.

Scale "Control"

High scores on the scale (6-7 points) indicate that an adult behaves too authoritatively towards a child, demanding unconditional obedience from him and setting him a strict disciplinary framework. He imposes his will on the child in almost everything. Such an adult can not always be useful as a teacher for children.

Low scores on the scale (1-2 points) - on the contrary, indicate that there is practically no control over the actions of the child by an adult. This may not be good for teaching and raising children. The best option for assessing the pedagogical abilities of an adult on this scale are average grades, from 3 to 5 points.

High scores on the scale (6-7 points) are a sign that an adult considers the child a little loser and treats him as an unintelligent creature. Interests, hobbies, thoughts and feelings of a child seem to an adult frivolous, and he ignores them. It is unlikely that such an adult can become a good teacher and educator for a child.

Low scores on the scale (1-2 points), on the contrary, indicate that the adult considers the child's failures to be accidental and believes in him. Such an adult is likely to become a good teacher and educator.

1. Scale "Acceptance / Rejection"
70% of parents have high scores on the scale, and 30% have low scores.
2. Scale "Cooperation"
60% of parents have high scores on the scale, and 40% have low scores.
3. Scale "Symbiosis"
70% of parents have high scores on the scale and 30% are low.
4. Scale "Control"
50% of parents have high scores on the scale and 50% - low
5. Scale "Attitude to the failures of the child"
40% of parents have high scores, 60% have low scores.

Methodology "Strategies of family education"

With this test, you can evaluate the strategy of family education (style): authoritative, authoritarian, liberal and indifferent.

Instructions: an adult must pass the test and choose one answer that suits him.

1. What, in your opinion, determines the character of a person to a greater extent - heredity or upbringing?
   A. Mainly by education.
   B. A combination of innate inclinations and environmental conditions.
   B. Mainly congenital inclinations.
   G. Neither one nor the other, but life experience.
2. How do you feel about the idea that children are raising their parents?
   A. This is a play on words, a sophism that has little to do with reality.
   B. Absolutely agree with this.
   V. I am ready to agree with this, provided that one should not forget about the traditional role of parents as educators of their children.
   G. I find it difficult to answer, I did not think about it.
3. Which of the judgments about education do you find the most successful?
   A. If you have nothing more to say to the child, tell him to go wash (Edgar Howe)
   B. The purpose of education is to teach children to do without us (Ernst Legouwe)
   C. Children do not need teachings, but examples (Joseph Joubert)
   D. Teach your son obedience, then you can teach everything else (Thomas Fuller)
4. Do you think parents should educate their children about gender?
   A. No one taught me this, and life itself will teach them.
   B. I think that parents should satisfy the children's interest in these issues in an accessible form.
   C. When the children are old enough, it will be necessary to start a conversation about this. And at school age, the main thing is to take care to protect them from manifestations of immorality.
   G. Of course, first of all, this should be done by parents.
5. Should parents give their child pocket money?
   A. If he asks, you can give.
   B. It is best to regularly give out a certain amount for specific purposes and control spending.
   B. It is advisable to give out a certain amount for a certain period (for a week, for a month), so that the child himself learns to plan his expenses.
   D. When there is an opportunity, you can sometimes give him some amount.
6. What would you do if you find out that your child has been bullied by a classmate?
   A. I will be upset, I will try to console the child.
   B. I will go to sort things out with the offender's parents.
   C. Children themselves will better understand their relationships, especially since their grievances are short-lived.
   D. I will advise the child how best to behave in such situations.
7. How do you deal with a child's swearing?
   A. I will try to make him understand that in our family, and among decent people in general, this is not accepted.
   B. Foul language must be nipped in the bud! Punishment is necessary here, and from now on the child must be protected from communicating with ill-mannered peers.
   B. Think about it! We all know these words. It is not necessary to attach importance to this, as long as it does not go beyond reasonable limits.
   D. The child has the right to express his feelings, even in a way that we do not like.
8. A teenage daughter wants to spend the weekend at a friend's country house, where a group of peers will gather in the absence of parents. Would you let her go?
   A. No way. Such gatherings do not lead to good. If children want to relax and have fun, let them do it under the supervision of elders.
   B. Perhaps, if I know her comrades as decent and reliable guys.
   Q. She is quite a reasonable person to make her own decision. Although, of course, in her absence I will be a little worried.
   G. I see no reason to ban.
9. How will you react if you find out that the child lied to you?
   A. I will try to bring him to clean water and shame him.
   B. If the reason is not too serious, I will not attach any importance.
   B. upset
   D. I'll try to figure out what prompted him to lie.
10. Do you think you are setting a good example for your child?
    A. Absolutely.
    B. I try.
    B. I hope.
    G. I don't know.

Processing and interpretation of results

• It is necessary to mark the selected answers in the table and determine their correspondence to one of the types of parental behavior. The greater the predominance of one of the types of answers, the more pronounced in the family a certain style of education. If any one category does not prevail among the answers, then we are probably talking about a controversial parenting style, when there are no clear principles, and the behavior of parents is dictated by the momentary mood.
  As a result of this technique, we obtained the following results:
  25% of families have an authoritarian style of family education, 35% of families have an authoritative style, 25% of families have an indifferent style, 10% have a liberal style, 15% of families do not have any one category prevailing.

Conflicts between children and parents

This type of conflict is one of the most common in everyday life.

Psychologists distinguish the following types of conflicts between teenagers and parents:
conflict of instability of the parental relationship (constant change in the criteria for evaluating the child);
conflict of overcare (excessive guardianship and overexpectations);
conflict of disrespect for the rights to independence (totality of instructions and control);
conflict of paternal authority (the desire to achieve one's own in the conflict at any cost).

Usually, the child responds to the claims and conflicting actions of the parents with such reactions (strategies) as:
reaction of the opposition (demonstrative actions of a negative nature);
refusal reaction (disobedience to the requirements of parents);
isolation reaction (the desire to avoid unwanted contacts with parents, hiding information and actions).

Causes of conflict situations

1. Insufficient attention or, conversely, excessive parental control in relation to the younger generation, lack of a competent educational policy, unwillingness to listen will certainly lead not only to quarrels and scandals, but will also harm the psychological development of a teenager.
2.Clash of interests of the older and younger generations. Satisfying the needs and desires of one side without taking into account the interests and needs of the other leads to powerful emotional outbursts of negative energy.
3. Among the qualities of parents that lead to conflicts in the family, one can single out a conservative mindset, adherence to bad habits, and authoritarian opinion. Among children's qualities, selfishness, disobedience, poor school performance, stubbornness, laziness and deceit lead to conflicts. Such a contradiction will certainly find a way out in the form of a quarrel.
4. Lack of harmony in the family. If the relationship of the spouses is based on hostility towards each other, then the level of psychological tension in the family will tend to increase. The atmosphere of constant hostility between parents can lead to mental deviations in the development of the child.
5. Problems of everyday and social nature. Often parents transfer the negative from the burden of problems into communication with their children, which leads to the formation of complexes and feelings of guilt in the child.
6. Inability or unwillingness of parents to limit too free behavior of children. The child, feeling his own impunity and permissiveness, begins to behave accordingly. And troubles come in the form of problems with the law, in relationships with peers and parents.
7. Psychological immaturity of parents. The lack of wisdom of communication with the child and elementary knowledge about the peculiarities of education among the older generation are the reasons for misunderstanding and disagreement.
8. Age component. Each period of a child's development has its own characteristic nuances that parents should take into account when communicating with him.
Psychologists distinguish two such age periods:
1. primary school age - during this period of social adaptation, criticism from adults is perceived especially sharply;
2. teenage years - the stage when all the internal contradictions of the child come out, the teenager has a desire to protest not only to the school, teachers and peers, but to the whole world.

In addition to the general causes that produce conflict in people's relationships, which are discussed above, there are psychological factors of conflict in the interaction of parents and children.
1. Type of intra-family relations. There are harmonious and disharmonious types of family relations. In a harmonious family, a moving balance is established, which is manifested in the formation of the psychological roles of each family member, the formation of the family "We", the ability of family members to resolve contradictions.
Family disharmony is the negative nature of marital relations, expressed in the conflict interaction of spouses. The level of psychological stress in such a family tends to increase, leading to neurotic reactions of its members, the emergence of a feeling of constant anxiety in children.
2. Destructiveness of family education. The following features of destructive types of education are distinguished:
- disagreements of family members on issues of education;
- inconsistency, inconsistency, inadequacy;
- guardianship and prohibitions in many areas of children's lives;
- increased demands on children, frequent use of threats, condemnations,
3. Age crises of children are considered as factors of their increased conflict. The age crisis is a transitional period from one stage of child development to another. During critical periods, children become naughty, capricious, irritable. They often come into conflict with others, especially with their parents. They have a negative attitude towards previously fulfilled requirements, reaching stubbornness. The following age crises of children are distinguished:
- crisis of the first year (transition from infancy to early childhood);
- crisis of "three years" (transition from early childhood to preschool age);
- crisis b-7 years (transition from preschool to primary school age);
- puberty crisis (transition from primary school to adolescence - 12-14 years old);
- Adolescence crisis 15-17 years.
4. Personal factor. Among the personal characteristics of parents that contribute to their conflicts with children, they distinguish a conservative way of thinking, adherence to outdated rules of behavior and bad habits (alcohol consumption, etc.), authoritarian judgments, orthodox beliefs, etc. Among the personal characteristics of children are such as low academic performance, violations of the rules of conduct, ignoring the recommendations of parents, as well as disobedience, stubbornness, selfishness and egocentrism, self-confidence, laziness, etc. Thus, the conflicts under consideration can be presented as the result of mistakes of parents and children.

Ways to resolve conflicts between parents and children.

• Raising the ability of parents to make concessions and seek a compromise. Finding a suitable alternative makes it possible for each participant in the dispute to understand each other and find a constructive solution. Parents need to be aware that the search for a compromise solution is not about providing the child with a "standard set" of advice and instructions, but about helping him choose the optimal model of behavior and in realizing responsibility for the decision made.
• The ability to see conflicts between parents and adolescents not as a problem, but as a signal of gaps ineducational process . You should pay attention to the child, realize the fact that the views on life of parents and children can differ significantly.
• Parents should fill in the gaps in their knowledge inparenting . Each stage of growing up is accompanied by typical conflicts for this period. But knowledgeable parents know how to control these processes and know how to prevent ordinary disagreements from developing into a more negative situation.
• Formation of common family hobbies. It is necessary that each member of the family, in the event of a conflict situation, has the opportunity to transform negative energy into positive. Common interests will help the family not only reconcile more quickly after a quarrel, but also provide an excellent opportunity to get distracted and get rid of destructive aggression.
• The distribution of household chores among all family members. Everyone, whether an adult or a child, should take part in household chores. When all responsibilities fall on only one person, this will certainly lead to resentment and disputes. In addition, entrusting children with simple tasks develops in them a sense of responsibility and awareness of their importance in society.
• Constant confidential communication of adults with the child, understanding of his inner world. It is important not to leave the child alone with his own experiences, it is necessary to learn to listen and empathize, show support and care.
• Controlling anger and dissatisfaction. Before throwing out emotions, you need to remember that the child only copies the behavior of his closest people - his parents. In conflict situations, the behavior of the younger generation largely depends on the example set by adults.
• Giving the child the right to choose. This point is of particular importance in adolescence, when the desire for freedom exceeds all permissible limits. It is extremely important at this stage to treat a teenager as an independent person, to accept his interests, respect personal space, and take into account his position.
• Tolerance for shortcomings. In no case should you compare your children with anyone else - each child is individual and unique. Instead of looking for flaws, it is better to give the child the opportunity to express himself as an independent and individual person. Of course, all this should take place under the imperceptible supervision of adults.

In most cases, the lack of mutual understanding and the desire to take into account each other's opinions are the main cause of family scandals. As a result, a joyful family life turns into constant squabbles and conflicts with parents. If you stop being guided solely by your own interests, then any situation can be resolved in such a way that all parties will be satisfied. This will smooth out conflicts, improve the psychological atmosphere in the family and establishrelationship between parents and children .

Conclusion
The family is a cell (small social group) of society, the most important form of organizing personal life, based on marital union and family ties. Sheis the environment of existence, development of a person from birth to death.
In the life of every person, his parents play one of the main roles. The process of forming his personality, the development of a certain type of human behavior throughout life, largely depends on the attitude of the father and mother towards their child. Worldview, the formation of character, moral foundations, attitude to spiritual and material values ​​are first of all brought up in children by their parents. And this process depends largely on how the basic needs of the child are satisfied in the family, how correctly parental positions are manifested from the point of view of his development and upbringing. Emotional relationships in the family play an important integrating role, thanks to which family members feel like a single community and feel the warmth and support of each other.
Intra-family relationships are one of the components of this system, which, in turn, also have a complex structure.

In the course of our research work, we realized that the relationship between children and parents is influenced by many factors:
family parenting style
methods and forms of family education
types of family education
conflicts between parents and children in the family

As a result of the study, the following conclusions were drawn:

1. Inadequate attitude of parents to the child causes his anxiety.
2. The level of formation of independence depends on the development of the child's personality and on the creation of conditions by parents.
3. Positive relationships between adults and children are formed in a favorable climate in the family, in the presence of the moral nature of the independence of children.
4. The most favorable parenting style is democratic.
5. The most favorable type of upbringing is love.
5. The most stressful parenting styles are lack of positive interest and hostility from parents. Striving for independence, manifested primarily in external forms of behavior, a modern teenager retains at a deep level the need for psychological support from parents, and its absence is a stressful factor.
6. Ways to resolve adolescent age-related interpersonal conflict with parents can be very different, usually this is facilitated by the establishment of trusting, friendly relationships, mutual respect between them.

But, nevertheless, adults, in this case parents, should take the initiative in their prevention and elimination. Their task is to understand the changes in their children and, if possible, switch to a new style of communication with a teenager, that is, treat him as an adult.

Based on these findings, it can be concluded that our hypothesis that inIn a family, positive relationships between parents and children are established if:
1. The position of parents is based on love, humanity, understanding and trust;
2. Favorable relations in the family between parents and children have been established,
received its confirmation.

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RELATIONS OF ADULTS WITH PARENTS
Grown-up children are a constant internal conflict: love for parents and irritation, a desire to visit them more often and lack of time, resentment for misunderstanding and an inevitable sense of guilt.

When your parents are no longer alive, work with inner pain can be easier, because, having worked through resentment, you can no longer communicate with your parents, and ask for forgiveness as if “in absentia”, “after”. And the level of relationship remains at the level at which you create it. Create a level of letting go and forgiveness, and that's how it will stay with you.

And if the parents are alive, and some conflicts have not been settled, then your lesson of the Soul continues.
It is very important here to understand and realize that you will no longer receive the love that you did not have in childhood from your parents. Because that love is demanded from parents by your inner child, your childish self. And when grievances come up in you, at that time you stand in the position of I am a Child.
It's good when your parents are alive, and when talking with them, they understand your childhood pain, accept it. From their stories about their childhood, you can understand that they gave what they had. You can not give what is not in the amount that you would like. And I would like, like in the movies, like in ideal families.

But it doesn't happen that often. If you constantly have an internal or real dialogue of upholding your boundaries with your parents, then you have not passed the separation from your parents. And your mothers most often did not go through the initiation of the mother. An initiated woman is a woman who has entered the adult female world. She remains a daughter, but, first of all, she is already an adult woman. And the mother introduces the daughter into the female world, but for this, the mother herself must stay in this female world.
Then an adult mother experiences great happiness from the fact that her daughter has grown up. That very period of happiness begins, which, ideally, lasts until my mother's death in old age. Then it is the younger woman and the older woman. And then the mother does not perceive her daughter either as a rival, or as a way to compensate for what was not in her life, or as a way to confirm the correctness of her life according to the type: “My daughter has the same thing, which means it’s right.”

But in life it often turns out how? A lonely woman asks questions - why she was left alone, how did it happen. And I don't want to deal with it and take responsibility. Therefore, everything is explained in a simpler way: I am alone, because “the goats came across”, or because I loved my classmate, who died at the age of twelve, and I will not have another such love. I am single, but she - my daughter - is not! Moreover, she is also happily married! Why am I lonely? Because goats came across, but she didn’t have goats, is she better than me? There is a constant unspoken rivalry going on.

Or vice versa: I am lonely, I feel bad, so at the age of eighteen I will marry her off. I love her, what if she, too, will remain lonely? And it’s okay that he’s a goat, but she can’t stand him, the main thing is that she will be married, I will push her there.
These are all uninitiated mothers. Almost all of our mothers are uninitiated. And we ourselves become so if we do not track this scenario and do not change it.

To make an initiation into the female world, you first need to separate from the mother (and from the father too).
If we do not go through separation, then we have to face not only internal conflict, but also problems in personal relationships, work relationships, relationships with friends.

We begin to look for substitutes for the love that our parents did not give us.
You know, there are plates that are divided into several compartments. You can put a separate product in each compartment. And if that part of the plate, which is called "mother's love", is half empty, because we did not receive maternal or father's love, this does not mean that we should demand from the wife or from the husband, from friends that they fill this part. Fill in other parts, and this part will remain as it is. Childish attempts to demand that someone love you, the way you would like your parents to love you as a child, such attempts destroy relationships.

Often relationships with a significant person are unconsciously built with the goal of merging:

• There is only "we", no "I", no own desires,
• Where two - there and the third,
• We are one, We are a family.

Merging allows you to “plug up” spiritual holes from which it draws drafts of loneliness, disappointment, sadness, rage, and something else. Or rather, someone - and this “someone” becomes:

• partners
• Pets
• Job
• dependencies

Separation is considered the opposite of merging. This is a very important process that begins from the first days of life (physical separation from the mother) and ends ... for everyone. For some, it does not end until the end of life, for others it fits into 20, 30, 40 years of life.

Normal separation looks like this:

1. From birth, the child ceases to be "connected" to the mother's systems - the circulatory system, for example.
It independently performs:

• gas exchange with the environment,
• absorption of nutrients
• the conclusion that he no longer needs.

2. From 1 year old (walking) and older, the child tries to increase the distance between himself and his mother

• leave and return
• games in "ay, ku-ku!",
• exploration of the world.

3. From 2 years old and older (at 2-3 years old) the most “bloody” separation drama takes place

• there is “I” and there is “mother”, an independent object (creature) that does not depend on me,
• the world is explored, but a return to the mother on whom the child depends is necessary.

The main conclusion at the end of this separation period:

• I do not disappear from the fact that my mother is (temporarily) not around,

and at the same time: - it turns out that I need my mother, to return to her (after the game, for example).

4. The next drama of separation occurs at 12-13 years old (during adolescence):

• it turns out that I can have my own values, my own interests,
• Parental values ​​and attitudes are re-examined.

The main conclusion: I can have my interests, my beliefs, my company, AND CHOOSE THEM. My attitudes, my ideas do not always have to coincide with my parents. Close people support me with my new, own dogmas, interests, values.

5. End point of separation:
This is the phase of “leaving the parent nest” (for the child) and encountering the “empty nest syndrome” (for the parents).
It occurs conditionally at the age of 20 (someone leaves to study at 16, others reach 30 and older).

6. Fully completed separation with parents:
This can be considered the moment when the child finally becomes a parent himself.

• and can appreciate the contribution that parents made to him, the difficulties that they faced.

However, separation can be complicated instead:

1. A certain role in the family- “scapegoat”, “bright knight-savior”, smart guy, the only child in the family, caring for an elderly person, a nanny for younger children.
Then, instead of normal separation (which, in fact, is a rather selfish process, and requires time, attention, and the efforts of parents devoted to the child), a kind of ban on certain forms of manifestations is obtained.
“How is it to go out with friends? And who will pick up Vanya from kindergarten?

2. Lack of resources from parents(hard times, bad conditions) - then, instead of supporting his department, the child receives ready-made instructions:
- don't go there
- don't play with them
- study, otherwise you will die a fool,
That is, they begin to blame him (“by your separation you bring damage, not benefit”) or to shame (“the way you turn out - you do not suit us”, “you are not of our kind-tribe”, “whom you were born into ?”)

3. In general, the lack of healthy borders in the family for several generations, the lack of normal separation (recognized both by the “blissful merger” with grandparents, unanimity with them, and by the eternal squabbles in the family - the fruitless attempts of already adult parents to “separate themselves” from their own parental families).

Efforts in the separation process are directed to the following:

• to restore borders (for what you are responsible and for what you are not, what is really in your power to change and what is not),
• to find a resource (to whom, except for parents or a partner interested in merging with you, a boss, a job, a bottle, you can resort to for help. What could support, console, restore strength and faith in yourself),
• to “growing up” at the required age (legalization of the right to leave and return (crisis of 2-3 years), the right to have one’s own convictions (the teenage crisis is being lived through), etc.

Separation from parents in adulthood is complicated by the fact that in adult children the time of adolescent egoism has passed and the feeling of guilt towards parents is aggravated.

SIGNS OF COMPLETION OF SEPARATION:

1. You see real parents, not ideal or devalued (“terrible”) figures. Know what you can get support from them, and what you can't.
2. You are able to be your own “mom” (take care of yourself) and “dad” (go after achievements, structure your time, make plans and carry them out).
3. You are able to withstand the frustrations (disappointment, inconsistency) of your ideas about the world, and correct them yourself. For example: that a particular person you are interested in is not interested in you. That some relationships will no longer take place, some opportunities have been missed.
4. You are able to withstand approach and distance, do not “fly” into communication or relationships, but approach gradually, are able to look closely at the beginning of communication - and thank, appreciate what you have received, throw away the unnecessary - at the end of communication (or on a larger scale - at the end of a relationship).

This is the most harmonious description of the separation process.

The well-known Berlin psychologist I. Hofmann identified several types of separation that we must go through on the way to final adulthood:
1. Emotional separation, which involves reducing dependence on parental approval or disapproval.

2. Attitude separation, which allows you to stop evaluating yourself and everything around you with parental assessments, and reasoning in parental categories. It's just that a grown child should stop looking at the world through the eyes of his parents, and start developing his own view and judgments based on personal experience.

3. Functional separation is the ability to provide for oneself and exist physically apart from the parental family.

4. Conflict separation implies the emergence of the ability not to feel worthless, just because you separated from your parents, to be able to live your life without guilt.

Unfortunately, on the part of the parent or parents, a lot is done to ensure that the separation does not occur. The best way to slow down and delay separation is to inspire the child with thoughts of his lack of independence, weakness, unviability.

And then among us are grown-up children and, it seems, like adults (at least in appearance) with approximately the following sense of self:

1. "I'm looking for myself and I can't find it." They are constantly looking for themselves, changing activities, they just can’t get on their feet. Yes, and they don’t really strive: anyway, parents will not accept either their success or their independence.

2. "This world doesn't suit me." Such teenagers and adults can drink, rage, get into stories, in a word, demonstrate with their entire biography: look how dependent, weak, frail I am.

3. "I am afraid of you". Children who, at an early age, managed to instill that the outside world (in the face of a sandbox, kindergarten, school) is irreparably dangerous, may suffer from social phobia, they will have difficulty making contacts with peers and adults, they will experience communication problems.

4. "I'm having a lifelong dialogue." Finally, a child can enter into an endless argument with his parents - choose the same area of ​​​​professional activity and prove all his life that he is no worse. These relationships with parents will be emotionally richer than with any other people.

With the aggravation of women's topics (marriage, pregnancy, motherhood, divorce), we stumble upon another layer of relationships with our mother - like an iceberg that, it would seem, has sailed long ago ...
After all, our attitudes that mother is the “rear” that will always accept, no matter what happens, sometimes work to our detriment. Women often go to their mother when things don't work out personally. This type of behavior is called rollback. And the broadcast of an attitude like “the husband may not be the one, and not the last, but the mother is always alone!” - this is a big mistake, it preserves women's development in that very psychological childhood, and even reinforces the theme of opposing men and women.

But it is a man who can be the only support that allows you to dare to take this step towards your life, so that after going your own way, one day you will return to your mother as an adult woman.

THE REAL FIRST STEP on the way to your Adult woman (i.e., in fact TO YOURSELF) - this is not even a rebellion in separation with mom and defending their interests and personal boundaries. This is the readiness to ACCEPT and LIVE everything that you have to go through with this separation.
There are many examples of how mothers get sick, get injured and really walk along the edge - with only one (unconscious, of course) goal - NOT TO LET GO.
There are also many examples, how their daughters break down - unable to bear the weight of GUILT.

SOME HELP PHRASES FOR DAUGHTERS:
Mommy, my love, I really want you to be happy, and I really want to be happy myself. The best thing you can do for me is to be happy yourself, regardless of me, because I cannot be responsible for your life. In turn, I promise to be responsible for my happiness and unhappiness, to become happy myself, which I hope you will only be happy about!

Mom, I feel that you are now hurt and scared, and I'm sorry that you choose to react in this way to my decision (situation / choice / departure, etc.). Please, let's not discuss this situation anymore, WE decided so with my husband (or I decided MYSELF). If I can somehow help you accept this situation - tell me how, I will help. If you accept my choice, I will be grateful to you, if not, then there is nothing I can do.

Mom, I love you very much, even if you don't seem that way right now. Love does not require proof. What I do is my choice and it has nothing to do with how I feel about you. This is what I choose in my life, I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, I'm sorry. It would be important for me to have your support if you change your mind.

Mom, I gratefully accept everything that you gave me, did for me, everything that you gave me, I am very proud of my parents and will do everything to pass it on - to my children - to your grandchildren. Thank you!

Mom, if you want me to be happy and kind, please let me choose what is good for me, no one but me, not even you, can know what is MINE in this life and what is not. Please trust me to live MY life, even if you think it's a mistake!

Separation is a rather complicated, even painful process, but it is very necessary if your (your!) life is valuable to you.

The relationship between parents and children is a unique phenomenon of society that defies explanation and classification. The true prerequisites for the loss of mutual understanding are known only to the participants in the quarrel, therefore, others can only guess about the cause of conflicts in the family. In the clash of generations, it is important to be guided by one's own preferences and take into account the interests of the opposition. Different views on life and an incorrectly chosen model of education - communication disappears as quickly as children grow up.

However, the observations of psychologists involved in the restoration of disparate cells of society make it possible to dispassionately discuss the problem of relations between parents and children. The main thing is to correctly perceive the recommendations of professionals. You should keep in mind that the tips and communication formats below are complex information and require additional modifications. After reading the content of the article, correlate the material with your own situation, drawing the right conclusions.

Classification of relationships between parents and children

The formation of the character and worldview of the child directly depends on the behavioral patterns of mom and dad, which they plan to adhere to in the process of raising their offspring. Communication within the family is the foundation of the young consciousness, projecting the events taking place in the world around us onto the home “example”. Resentments and joys, habits and mental disorders are echoes of childhood that the baby is guided by throughout his life. In the 21st century, five types of relationships between parents and the younger generation are traditionally classified:

Dictatorship.

Mother and father are trying to gain total control over the life of the child, guided by good intentions. However, regardless of the cause-and-effect relationships, the result of overprotection is the appearance of a mental disorder in the baby. The offspring does not spend time with peers, is not left alone with his own thoughts, cannot choose and be guided by personal preferences. The fragile world of a maturing child is completely in the power of parents who deprive the child of a happy childhood.

Belief.

This model of adult behavior is comparable to tyranny or dictatorship. Parents who have not realized their own dreams in life are trying to send a child in their “footsteps” who is called to correct the mistakes of the mother and father. They do not take into account the desires and preferences of the baby, guided solely by personal interests. Often in such families, spouses decide on the type of activity of children at the moment when they are just thinking about conception.

Friendliness.

Mom and dad participate in the life of the baby, without depriving him of personal space. Freedom of action and the opportunity to seek the advice of an adult "friend" are the main advantages of this technique. Parents maintain friendly relations with their offspring without losing authority. They try to meet the interests of the younger generation, sharing the child's hobbies. The main thing is not to "play too much".

Insensitivity.

Regular reproaches and accusations are the main signs of this format of education. A child in such a family feels unwanted, superfluous. In situations that have happened, parents invariably find causal relationships between the baby and the events that have occurred. In the process of upbringing, the offspring does not encounter "love", "understanding" and "affection". A grown child often refuses to maintain relationships with parents, guided by the scale of resentment from childhood. Suspension of an angry child is the best solution to the problem, because some teenagers begin to avenge their spoiled youth.

Mentorship.

In such families, children can count on the recommendation of a wise person who will try to help, not reproach. The disobedience of the baby is punished, and independence is encouraged - such a model of communication is built on rationality and trust. Parents invariably participate in the offspring's life, trying to moderately control his behavior. Adults respect the choice of the child, who listens to the authoritative opinion of the mother and father.

How do you want to see your own offspring in years to come? Are you ready to notice in the eyes of the baby, unquenchable resentment and endless anger? Do you dream of hearing sincere words of gratitude from your child for a happy childhood? Complete mutual understanding and care for your beloved "old people" - are these your goals? The choice of a model for raising a child is the “key” to the future, to which only one door will open.

The main reasons for the disobedience of children

Severe behavioral disorders in children are the result of a mental disorder that could have appeared due to one of the following reasons:

Fight for attention.

In today's society, where adults spend an impressive amount of time at work, children are trying by any means to "get" their parents' free minutes. Toddlers don't realize that mom and dad are tired during the day. The child tries to attract attention with good deeds, but often no one responds to such actions. The only option that arises in the young mind is disobedience or a prank, after which parents will definitely devote their free time to raising their offspring.

Children make scandals, refuse to obey and propagate "revolutionary" sentiments for one reason - the desire to get rid of overprotection. Parents pay excessive attention to the baby, who is trying to show independence, so the “prank” becomes an expedient decision for the offspring. In keeping with youthful thinking, mom and dad need to understand the extent of the resentment of a child who is willing to go to extremes. “Favorite watch of a father who forbade meeting friends? Punish, but I will not put up with your opinion, ”the reasoning of the“ rebellious ”fidget.

Childish grievances that a child harbors throughout his life are a weighty argument for a teenager who decides to answer his parents with the same “coin”. If the baby was not allowed to communicate with peers, then he will disappear without demand for a long time in an unfamiliar company. The actions of the child belong to the format of relationships "contrary", where any action of the parents is perceived as wrong.

Loss of faith.

Regular criticism and endless prohibitions, an immense sense of guilt and a lack of understanding with parents are the reasons for becoming in the mind of a child. The kid, in whose success no one initially believes, despairs and decides to take things easier. Apathy to communicate with peers and the loss of parental authority, and the lack of desire for self-improvement are the result of an insensitive attitude of the mother and father to the offspring.

Implementation.

"Rebellion" against parental views is a prerequisite for changing one's own lifestyle, with which the young fidget is dissatisfied. Was the kid forced to enter the Suvorov School? Adults forced to learn to play the violin? Forcing a wife? Did the choice of professional activity take place without the participation of the offspring? A rebellion in the young mind will definitely arise - the only question is the scale of children's patience, which will one day end.

In order to identify the prerequisites for disobedience in your own offspring, it is important to pay attention to the feelings that arise in parents after the pranks of the child. If you feel anger inside, then the child will try to escape from hyper-custody. If you have a state of emptiness and endless loneliness, then the reason for the baby is seized by depressive thoughts. If you are annoyed by the actions of the child, then he consciously draws attention to himself. If, after the next “trick” of the young fidget, you are seized with resentment, then the baby takes revenge, wanting to specifically harm mom and dad.

Common Parenting Mistakes

The reasons for the disobedience of children are hidden in the wrong upbringing, which the parents adhered to in the process of growing up the child. If typical mistakes are not made in adolescence, then misunderstandings between family members will not arise. Common patterns of behavior of mothers and fathers, because of which relationships with children deteriorate:

Orders that deprive the child of choice and freedom of action.
Lack of trust and constant control.
Threats of punishment.
Groundless criticism, because of which the baby ceases to believe in his own strength.
Sarcastic ridicule of the act of the child, putting in an awkward situation.
Asking the offspring for personal information that he does not want to share.
Jokes from parents who do not want to answer the child's question.
Excessive teachings.
Forced "advice" that deprives the baby of his own opinion.
indifference in the life of a child.

In the relationship between parents and children, one should not forget the simple truth - the more privileges you have, the more responsibilities. Mutual understanding and participation in the life of a loved one is an effective way to help, and tyranny and regular disagreements are an inappropriate solution that destroys a person.

To prevent the loss of mutual understanding in relations with the child, parents must be clearly aware of the scope of the words spoken and the actions taken. In the upbringing of the offspring, it is important to systematize your own model of behavior, adhering to a well-thought-out strategy. Guided by the following recommendations, you can properly build communication with children:

It is important to define correctly and accessible for the young consciousness in childhood the boundaries of behavior that the child will perceive correctly. Restrictions are accompanied by the baby with the knowledge that such actions will upset the parents. If the child perceives the established framework as a “forbidden fruit”, then the situation will only worsen.
A child should realize from childhood that it is much more pleasant than living contrary to society and existing laws. Correct literature and educational films are effective ways of influencing the fragile consciousness of a baby.
Building on children's thinking is a "jewelry" method of education, which must be applied in a dosed manner. Moral teachings greatly tire the young mind, so you should not abuse communication in an imperative tone. - the ability to influence behavior, change the worldview of the child, and not punish, exacerbating the current situation.

Parents should not quarrel and sort things out in a raised voice in front of the child. While observing the conflict between adults, the authority of one of the participants in the dialogue invariably collapses in the mind of the baby. Guided by an example of such behavior, the offspring may begin to show aggression, try to "rebel" and not listen to parental opinion.
Mother and father must learn to offer the baby an alternative that can interest the young researcher. The categorical “No” often causes a protest in the mind of the child, which means it becomes a guide to action. Present the information correctly, forbidding the use of felt-tip pens on the wallpaper, but allowing it on a special piece of paper. Hang the drawing of the offspring in a frame, paying attention to the abilities and talents of the baby. The next time the fidget will not want to create a conflict situation, but will replenish his own collection of images on the wall of "honor".
Some parents forget that the baby is the same person who feels pain and feels joy. In controversial situations, listen to the opinion of the child, learn to find compromise solutions. Stubbornness is not an indicator of power, but a sign of a lack of self-confidence. Mutual understanding and trust are prerequisites for the appearance of a child.

If you do not make common mistakes in the process of upbringing and maintain your own authority in the eyes of the child, then the grown offspring will be grateful for a happy adolescence. Do not forget about the effect of "Boomerang", which is applicable to the relationship between parents and children. If you surround your baby with care, then in old age, count on similar attention from an already adult child.

The basis of the psychological well-being of children is harmoniously built relationships between all family members. With frequent discord and conflicts, children suffer, are humiliated, or, on the contrary, a certain privileged position is created for them. At the same time, the development of psychosomatic reactions in the child is inevitable, when adverse psychological factors are manifested by physiological symptoms.

Therefore, it is very important, when any problems arise in the family, not to wait until everything settles down by itself, but to turn to a family psychologist for competent correction. But before things get too far, the relationship between parents and children can be improved using the tips in this article.

An important factor in building relationships between parents and children is the scenario of education. The model of behavior of a parent of the same sex is assimilated from early childhood, subconsciously duplicated. And in the future, creating his own family, he will definitely sublimate this model into his relationships.

At the same time, the child often endures not only the model of behavior, but also the style of upbringing, as well as the complete scenario of the family. Such is the psychology, it happens unconsciously.

Scenario to repeat

Regardless of the scenario of the family, the child perceives and sets aside the behavior model of each parent individually at the subconscious level, as the only possible, natural, normal one. This happens even if this model is far from ideal.

That is why, when creating their own family, adults repeat the behavior of a parent of their own sex, even if this behavior was immoral. Yes, a person is aware that it is unacceptable to behave this way, but he simply does not know how to behave differently. Nobody taught him that it is possible to quite successfully get out of conflict situations, how to be a good spouse and parent. He learned from his parents. Examples from other families may differ, they are, but are not significant.

For example, when she was little, the girl wanted in adulthood not to be like her mother, to behave in a completely different way. This happens if the mother's behavior model is not a worthy role model. But in adulthood, the girl will definitely find a life partner, in many ways similar to her father. At first, she will resist herself. But gradually she will begin to behave, as her mother once did. She simply does not know another relationship scenario and unconsciously transfers the example she knows to her own family.

The version of the scenario of the parental family for the child is a priority. It is deposited at the subconscious level, as the only true way of behavior, communication, stereotype, traditions.

It is noteworthy that in dysfunctional families, where children were treated with disdain, with insults and even beatings, adults do not always grow up with the same attitude towards their own children. If there was a positive example of behavior in the life of a child (for example, families of friends), sometimes he will raise his own offspring in direct opposition to his parents.

Family - the first stage of development

The behavior of parents directly affects the life of the child, the model of his behavior in his own family. It is very important for parents to realize how appropriate the claims, punishments or rewards are. In this way, harmonious relationships can be built.

Parents naturally have the greatest influence on the children in the family. Their upbringing prevails over upbringing in children's institutions. And this directly affects how the personality is formed. In psychology, there are several styles of parenting, which we will discuss in more detail.

parenting styles

Authoritarianism

With an authoritarian style, all the wishes of the parents are the law, they must be fulfilled unquestioningly. But the child is repressed, and adults do not even suspect it. Parents demand obedience, but do not even try to explain the reason for their behavior. And it is not always correct for her to have tight control over his hobbies and interests. As a result, the child grows up closed, there is no contact with parents, he is not self-confident, notorious. Not every child is trying to defend their interests, deciding on a direct conflict.

What can be recommended? First you need to realize that this style is not correct, try to reduce control, pressure. Let the child learn to express himself. It is necessary to respect his interests, desires and hobbies. It is important to work on yourself in order to avoid problems in the future, when a notorious and cowardly person grows up, who will always wait for someone to make a decision for him.

Democracy

Such an approach in psychology is considered the most optimal. At the same time, discipline is taught, independence is encouraged. Children themselves learn to fulfill their duties, and the rights are in no way infringed upon by adults. The attitude towards the child is respectful, his opinion is considered, consulted if necessary. There is also no overprotection, the reasons for punishment are explained. This style has a great effect on conflict resolution, there are practically no big scandals.

Another distinctive feature of this style is moderation. There is no aggressiveness. The child has the makings of a leader, he learns not to succumb to the manipulation of other people. He has well-developed communication skills, the ability to empathize.

What can you recommend to parents? Create a friendly atmosphere so that in the future the children can trust you, count on support, without fear of condemnation or punishment. But at the same time, the measure is important, the child must feel the authority of adults and treat them accordingly.

Liberalism

This style is sometimes called conniving. The upbringing of the child and punishment, the explanation of actions are completely absent. Everything is permitted to him, there are no prohibitions or restrictions. This is very bad, because the child grows up spoiled, believes that everyone owes him, does not take into account the opinions of others. And with any ban, he is not just surprised, but demands what he wants with all the methods available to him, up to aggression and assault on his parents. It is impossible to instill any values ​​in such a child.

What can you advise parents? You can not leave the development of the child to himself. Otherwise, in the future, a bad company will certainly appear in his life, where he will fall under the influence of more authoritative peers. We need to change tactics as soon as possible. Yes, it will not be easy, but gradually the child will get used to the new lifestyle. The main thing is not to stop, not to indulge in tantrums and whims. It is important to introduce any rules, duties for children, to pay more attention to them, to prevent a lack of control.

Based on the foregoing, we can summarize - in order to educate a full-fledged and self-sufficient personality, it is important to be able to combine control and democracy in education, accept your baby as he is, respect his interests, opinions and hobbies.

And in the future, he will transfer such relationships and the experience gained to his own family.

Parenting Approaches

Each family has its own educational system. It is based on creating harmony between its members. In psychology, there are several main approaches to education, including: non-intervention, dictatorship, cooperation And guardianship.

With a dictatorial style of behavior, the dignity and independence of the child is oppressed. Such claims can be made only when necessary, but not always. Otherwise, self-esteem decreases, the fear of expressing one's opinion develops. Such children grow up hypocritical, notorious, do not want to take the initiative, they are easy to manage, which in adulthood is not a positive quality.

If guardianship is the leading type in a family, children are usually protected from difficulties, any worries, any of their needs are met. Of course, parents do not act out of malice, they want to take full care of the child, give him all the best and warn against all troubles. But this is doing a disservice. Children then are not ready for difficulties, they do not know how to establish contact with others, they are not independent, they do not know how to make decisions. And you can't always be there.

With this type of behavior as non-intervention, parents are passive observers from the outside. They do not participate in the life of the child, letting his upbringing take its course. They also do not allow the child to encroach on their personal space, believing that it is not right to devote all the time to the child, you need to live for yourself. There is some truth in this, but you should not go too far.

Collaboration is considered the best approach. In such a family, the child has created comfortable conditions for development.

All households, as a team, act towards one common goal - a happy family in which each member respects the opinion of the other, listens to advice. You can not be afraid to grow an egoist.

Consequences of different approaches

With the democratic method, it is possible to establish harmonious relationships in the family. The child grows up as an independent, responsible, active person. His behavior is flexible, requirements are explained, actions are analyzed. Power is appropriate only when necessary. Obedience is encouraged, as is the independence of the baby. It is important to establish a clear line - they listen to the opinion of the child, but do not proceed from it.

The remaining types of behavior are variants of deviations from the norm. With the authoritarian type, alienation occurs, parents are insignificant to children, they feel unwanted. With unreasonable demands, the response is aggression and protest, or vice versa, apathy and passivity. With a liberal type of upbringing, the child feels permissiveness, does not think about the consequences of his actions, and as a result, growing up, he does not know how to achieve his goals.

Despite the negative consequences, the most common type of upbringing is authoritarianism. This is dictated by the experience of previous generations. Despite the fact that parents understand and remember all the difficulties of this approach, they still try to build the same relationship in their own family. Strength and power is perceived as the fastest and most affordable way to solve problems and conflicts.

When raising a small child, this approach does not meet with possible protests. But in adolescence, a teenager tries to resist, on this basis, conflicts and disagreements constantly arise. And this is the fault of the parents. Therefore, it is very important to choose the most optimal method of education from an early age, since it is almost impossible to change it in the future.

Features of education at the present time

The personality of a person is formed in the family. If they do not take part in the upbringing of the child, friends and acquaintances become the closest, taking an example from which is not always a good idea. You can not dominate the child, suppressing his will, interests and desires. Often in the modern world, adults try to involve strangers in the educational process. This happens due to circumstances (employment, work, lack of experience and desire to acquire it).

If they resort to the services of a nanny, the child does not receive the right amount of love and care. You can leave the baby with the grandparents, only for a short time. This change of scenery is beneficial.

But do not allow the baby to be constantly outside the house. It is important to know for yourself what is invested in the child, and not to trust it to other people.

The responsibility of parents also deserves special attention. Often the child grows up on his own. Parents are sure that he can get the necessary education in kindergarten and at school. And their duties are only to check the diary. This is a big misconception. The family is the primary source of education. This must be remembered. It is important to participate in the lives of children, regardless of age, to know about their interests and hobbies, where he spends his free time, with whom he is friends.

When demands are made calmly without violence, children usually listen. Mutual respect is the key to building harmonious relationships.

How to improve relationships

The process of building trust is not always easy. And you need to start with yourself. It is important to be able to admit your mistakes, apologize to the child, overcome your own negative emotional impulses without taking them out on children.

Important Steps

1. You can not splash out your own negative emotions on others. Learn to say what you feel, finding out the reason for these emotions. Aggression is transmitted to the child, he takes an example from an unbalanced parent.
2. You can't force a child to do something they don't want to do. It is important to encourage his talents, aspirations, even if you do not like them. Praise small and big achievements. Support in failures, do not use humor at such moments so that the child does not think that his problems are unimportant to you, and you just laugh at them.
3. Don't be shy about showing your feelings. It is important to tell the baby that you love, hug more often - tactile contact is very important for a young child. Unloved children grow up unbalanced, aggressive, unable to cope with their emotions.
4. You do not need to dedicate the child to your problems. The alarming state of mom or dad is necessarily transmitted to him. But if an adult, in this way, is looking for a way to solve a problem, then in a child it happens differently. He feels guilty for not being able to help. Learn to solve your problems yourself, without involving children. Otherwise, it will negatively affect the formation of their personality.
5. Learn to clearly explain the rules, requirements. It is important from an early age to give an attitude about what is possible and impossible. And if not, why not. Prohibit less than allow. Education must be consistent. Don't threaten punishment. If you are guilty, punish. There must be consistency in words and deeds.
6. Give your son or daughter the opportunity for personal space, the right to choose. Let them choose their own circle or sports section, wallpaper for their room and clothes.
7. You can not offend other people in front of children. They also shouldn't be allowed to behave like this. If a child tries to offend someone or speaks badly about him, this behavior cannot be justified by the fact that he is still small. There must be rigor and explanation in this.
8. Teach your child to express their emotions by example. For example, if he gets angry, tries to shout hurtful words, say: “I understand, you are angry, offended, angry. It will pass. I would be offended too." In the same way, learn to express joy.
9. Raise your children on your own. Do not leave in the care of grandmothers. Firstly, you shift the responsibility from your shoulders, secondly, grandmothers may have a different view on the way of upbringing, and thirdly, think about the grandmothers themselves! They have already raised you, give them the opportunity to enjoy their age, do not immerse them again in parenting hardships.

Remember that the parent-child relationship in your family is something you create with your own hands.

The child should feel love, need and significance in the family. And this should not be manifested only by material goods. Love your children, pay great attention to education. So they will grow up as full-fledged individuals, in harmony with themselves and others.