Ecology of consciousness. Psychology: Why is it so difficult to admit how guilty your mother was. The flow between a little girl and her mother should be one-way, constantly channeling support from mother to daughter. It goes without saying that girls are completely dependent on their mothers for physical, mental and emotional support.
The flow between a little girl and her mother should be one-way, constantly channeling support from mother to daughter. It goes without saying that girls are completely dependent on their mothers for physical, mental and emotional support. However, one of the many facets of the mother wound is the overall dynamic when the motheris inadequately dependent on the mental and emotional support provided by her daughter. This role reversal is extremely damaging to the daughter, having long-lasting effects on her self-esteem, confidence, and sense of self-worth.
Alice Miller describes this dynamic in The Drama of the Gifted Child. A mother, having given birth to a child, may unconsciously feel as if she finally has someone who will love her unconditionally, and begin to use the child to satisfy her own needs that have remained unsatisfied since her childhood. Thus, the projection of his mother's mother is superimposed on the child. This puts the daughter in an intolerable situation where she is made responsible for the well-being and happiness of her mother.
And then the young daughter has to suppress her own needs that arise during her development in order to satisfy the emotional needs of the mother.
Instead of relying on the mother as a secure emotional base for exploration, the daughter is expected to be such a base for her mother. The daughter is vulnerable and dependent on her mother for survival, so she has little choice: either submit and meet her mother's needs, or rebel against her to some extent.
When a mother assigns her daughter adult roles such as surrogate partner, best friend, or therapist, she is exploiting her daughter.
When a daughter is asked to act as an emotional support for her mother, she can no longer rely on her mother to the extent necessary to meet her own developmental needs.
There are several options for how a daughter can react to such dynamics:
“If I’m a very, very good girl (obedient, quiet and don’t need for anything), then mommy will finally see me and take care of me” or
“If I am strong and protect my mother, she will see me” or
“If I give my mother what she wants, she will stop treating me like that,” and so on.
As adults, we can project these dynamics onto other people. For example, on my relationship: “If I always try to be good enough for him, he will be in a relationship with me.” Or at work: “If I get one more education, I’ll be good enough for a promotion.”
In this case, mothers enter into competition with their daughters for the right to receive maternal care.
Thus, they convey the belief that maternal care or love is not enough for everyone. Girls grow up believing that love, approval and recognition very few, and to earn it, you have to work hard. Later, as adults, they attract situations into their lives that play out this pattern over and over again. (Many of these dynamics affect sons, too.)
Daughters who are assigned parental functions are deprived of childhood.
In this case, the daughter does not receive approval of herself as personalities, she receives this only as a result of performing a certain functions(relieving the mother of her pain).
Mothers may expect their daughters to listen to all their problems, and even ask their daughters for comfort and care to cope with their fears and anxieties as adults. They may expect their daughters to help them out of problems, deal with the mess in their lives or their emotional disturbances. The daughter may be constantly involved as a mediator or problem solver.
Such mothers convey to their daughters that they, like mothers, are weak, overburdened and unable to cope with life. For the daughter, this means that her needs, arising in the process of her development, overload the mother, so the child begins to blame himself for the very fact of his existence. The girl thus becomes convinced that she has no right to her own needs, no right to be listened to or approved for who she is.
Daughters who have been assigned parental responsibilities may cling to this role into adulthood due to many secondary benefits. For example, a daughter may only receive approval or praise when she plays the role of warrior in her mother's life or her mother's savior.
Statement of one's own needs may threaten rejection or aggression from the mother.
As a daughter gets older, she may fear that her mother is too easily upset, and because of this fear, she may therefore hide the truth about her own needs from her mother. The mother can play on this, falling into the role of the victim and forcing her daughter consider herself a villain if she dares to declare her own separate reality. Because of this, the daughter may develop an unconscious belief: “There are too many of me. My true self hurts other people. I'm too big. I need to stay small to survive and to be loved."
Although these daughters may receive the "good mother" projection from their mothers, sometimes the image of a bad mother can be projected onto them. For example, this may happen when the daughter is ready to emotionally separate from her mother as an adult. A mother may unconsciously perceive her daughter's separation as a repetition of her own mother's rejection of her. And then the mother may react with undisguised childish rage, passive insults or hostile criticism.
You can often hear from mothers who exploit their daughters in this way: “It’s not my fault!” or “Stop being so ungrateful!” if the daughter expresses displeasure about their relationship or tries to discuss the topic. This is a case of a daughter being robbed of her childhood by being forced to satisfy her mother's aggressive needs, and then the daughter being attacked for having the audacity to suggest a discussion of her relationship dynamics with her mother.
The mother may simply not want to see her contribution to her daughter's pain because it is too painful for her to bear. herself. Often these mothers also refuse to acknowledge how their relationships with their own mothers affected them. Phrase "Don't Blame Your Mother" can be used to shame a daughter into remaining silent about the truth of her pain.
If we as women are truly ready to claim our power, we need to see how our mothers truly were to blame in our pain in childhood. And as adult women, we are solely responsible for healing our own traumas.
Those with power can also cause harm, whether intentionally or not. Regardless of whether mothers are aware of the harm they have caused or want to see it, they are still responsible for it.
Daughters need to know that they have the right to feel pain and express it. Otherwise, true healing will not happen. And they will continue to sabotage themselves and limit their ability to succeed and prosper in life.
Patriarchy discriminated against women so much that when they had children, they, hungry and hungry for self-affirmation, approval and recognition, sought love from their young daughters. The daughter will never be able to satisfy this hunger. And yet, so many generations of innocent daughters voluntarily sacrifice themselves, laying themselves on the altar of maternal suffering and hunger in the hope that one day they will be “good enough” for their mothers. They live with the childish hope that if they can “feed the mother,” then the mother will eventually be able to feed her daughter. This moment will never come. The only way to satisfy your soul's hunger is to begin the process of healing your mother's trauma and standing up for your life and your worth.
We need to stop sacrificing ourselves for our mothers because ultimately our sacrifice will not satisfy them. Only the transformation that is on the other side of her pain and grief, which she needs to deal with herself, can satisfy the mother. Your mother's pain is her responsibility, not yours.
When we refuse to acknowledge how our mothers may be to blame for our suffering, we continue to live with the feeling that there is something wrong with us, that we are somehow bad or defective. Because it's easier to feel shame than to throw it away and face the pain of realizing the truth about how we were abandoned or used by our mothers. So shame in this case is simply a defense against pain.
Our inner little girl will choose shame and self-deprecation because it maintains the illusion of being a good mother.
(Holding on to shame is a way for us to hold on to our mother. Thus, shame takes on the function of feeling maternal care.)
To finally let go of self-hatred and self-sabotage, you need to help your inner child understand that no matter how faithful he remains to his mother, while remaining small and weakened, the mother will not change and will not become what the child expects. We need to find the courage to give our mothers the pain they asked us to bear for them. We give away pain when we place responsibility on those to whom it really belongs, that is, given the dynamics of the situation, to an adult- the mother, not the child. As children, we were not responsible for the choices and behavior of the adults around us. When we truly understand this, we can take full responsibility for processing this trauma, acknowledging how it has impacted our lives so that we can act differently in accordance with our deepest nature.
Many women try to skip this step and go straight to forgiveness and mercy, where they can get stuck. You can't truly leave the past behind if you don't know What exactly needs to be left behind.
Why is it so difficult to admit how guilty your mother was:
- As a child, we were completely dependent on our parents, on our mother, and could not express our needs;
- Children are biologically designed to remain loyal to their mother no matter what she does. Mother's love is critical for survival;
- Being of the same sex as our mother, we assume that she will be on our side;
- We view the mother as a victim of her own unresolved traumas and the culture of patriarchy;
- Religious and cultural taboos “honor your father and mother” and “the sanctity of motherhood”, which instill in us a feeling of guilt and force children to remain silent about their feelings.
Why is self-sabotage a manifestation of maternal trauma?
- As a victim of parentification, we misinterpret the connection with the mother (love, comfort and security) - this connection was created in an atmosphere of self-suppression. (Being little = receiving love);
- In this way, we create a subconscious connection between love for our mother and self-abasement;
- While your conscious mind may want success, happiness, love and confidence, your subconscious mind remembers the dangers of early childhood, where being big, spontaneous and true to yourself meant the pain of rejection by your mother;
- For the subconscious: rejection by mother = death;
- For the subconscious: self-sabotage (being small) = safety (survival).
This is why it can be so hard to love yourself. Because letting go of your feelings of shame, guilt and self-sabotage feels like letting go of your mother.
Healing maternal trauma is about recognizing your right to life without dysfunctional patterns laid down in early childhood in communication with your mother.
This is about honestly thinking about the pain in your relationship with your mother for the sake of your healing and transformation, which every woman has the right to. This is about working internally on yourself to free yourself and become the woman you are meant to be. This is not about expecting your mother to finally change or satisfy that need that she could not satisfy when you were a child. Quite the opposite. Until we look squarely at and accept our mother's limitations and the ways in which she harmed us, we are stuck in purgatory, waiting for her approval and constantly putting our lives on hold as a result.
Healing maternal trauma is a way to be whole and take responsibility for your life.
Recently, a reader commented about how she spent over 20 years healing her mother's trauma and, although she had to distance herself from her own mother, her tremendous progress in healing allowed her to build a healthy relationship with her young daughter. She summed it up perfectly when she said of her daughter: ‘ I can be a strong support for her because I don't use her as an emotional crutch.'
Although there may be conflict and discomfort in the process of healing mother trauma, in order for healing to occur, you must confidently walk into your truth and power. By following this path, we will eventually come to a sense of natural mercy, not only for ourselves as daughters, but also for our mothers, for all women of all times and for all living beings.
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But on this path to mercy, we first need to give mothers their pain, which we absorbed as children.
When a mother holds her daughter responsible for her own unprocessed pain and blames her for admitting she suffers because of it, that is a true abdication of responsibility. Our mothers may never take full responsibility for the pain they unknowingly put into us to lighten their burden and relieve themselves of responsibility for their lives. But the most important thing is that YOU, as a daughter, fully acknowledge your pain and its relevance, so that you feel compassion for your inner child. It is liberating and opens the way to healing and the opportunity to live the life you love and deserve. published
Of course, in the whole world there is nothing more reliable and strong, but at the same time, tender, than a mother’s care for her child. A mother's love is ideal love, giving and not asking for anything in return.
But, unfortunately, in real life things are often not so poetic. Due to the absence or lack of mother’s love in childhood, adults already experience serious psychological disorders, “acquire” bad habits, become too rigid or, conversely, completely weak-willed... This list can be continued endlessly. Quite often, psychologists point to a lack of maternal love and care as the cause of certain problems. However, excessive love and care on the part of a mother can significantly spoil the life of an already matured child.
In large quantities the mother's love and care may be too intrusive . Trying with all her might to keep the child near her, she thereby does not allow the child to live his own life. Often mothers hope that their care will boomerang in old age. But, unfortunately, children who are overly cared for often grow up selfish, and for them there is nothing higher and more important than their own desires and needs.
By putting the baby above all values, sacrificing everything for him, women voluntarily destroy the lives of both themselves and their child. Such situations are especially common in families of single mothers with one child. Trying to help the child in everything and limiting him in every possible way from routine and household chores, she raises a person who is lazy and completely unadapted to real life, not burdened with any aspirations and desires for personal achievement.
In fact, fanatical love in unlimited quantities from a mother to her child can actually be called simply a maternal feeling. Instead of endless and selfless love, a woman is possessed by completely different feelings. One of the main ones is sense of ownership . The mother believes that the baby should belong entirely to her. She does not want to let the child go and prevents everything that could somehow stand in the way between her and her child. Such women, as a rule, become far from the best mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law, causing many difficulties to the new family of their already adult and independent child.
Another common feeling is selfishness . Such mothers are absolutely sure that their son or daughter should always provide support in everything, including financial support. Nobody argues about the need to help parents. But mothers in this category sometimes go beyond all reasonable boundaries in their desire to get a reciprocal “glass of water” from their child, for example, demanding significant financial investments from him unnecessarily and completely disregarding the financial situation of their son or daughter at the moment.
And finally, the very common the desire to realize your unfulfilled dreams with the help of a child . Children of such parents go to unloved clubs, study in professions that are uninteresting to them, and play sports or music without desire. Mothers, in turn, try in every possible way to extract achievements from their children in various areas that are interesting to them. Thus, they are trying, as it were, to live their own life anew, to make it the way they want, absolutely not guided by the desires and interests of their offspring.
To summarize, I would like to say that the phrase “everything should be in moderation” is also perfect for maternal love. And when they say that there is no such thing as too much love, this is not an entirely true statement. As a rule, people who lack it think so, and not those who are “strangled” by this very feeling. The ideal love of a mother loves and protects, but at the same time always gives her child the opportunity to make decisions independently, without imposing her own opinion. Such care accepts any decision of her offspring and always values him so that nothing happens to him. It is important to find exactly that “golden mean” in the manifestation of this feeling, then both the child and his mother will be happy and always happy with each other.
It is believed that the mother has a sensitive period of motherhood - the first 36 hours after birth. If during this period the mother is given the opportunity to directly communicate with the newborn, the so-called “skin-to-skin” contact, then the mother develops a psychological imprinting on this child, an intimate (mental) connection with the child is formed faster, it is more complete and deep. A child's smile is a powerful encouragement for a mother. It gives this smile a communicative meaning, gives the child’s actions more meaning than they actually have. Subsequently, a smile will become a specific reaction to the approach of a human face, to the sound of a familiar voice (S. Lebovich, 1982). Thus, when used in time, the sensitive period of motherhood turns into a ring of positive interactions with the child and serves as a guarantor of good contact, a warm and loving atmosphere of communication between mother and child.
Lack of maternal care arises as a natural result of living separately from a child, but, in addition, it often exists in the form of hidden deprivation (English deprivation, loss), when a child lives in a family, but the mother does not care for him, treats him roughly, emotionally rejects, treats indifferently. All this affects the child in the form of general mental development disorders.
Different styles of care and treatment of a child, starting from the first days of his life, shape certain characteristics of his psyche and behavior. Four types of maternal attitudes were identified.
Mothers of the first type easily and organically adapt to the needs of the child. They are characterized by supportive, permissive behavior.
Mothers of the second type consciously try to adapt to the needs of the child. The not always successful implementation of this desire introduces tension into their behavior and a lack of spontaneity in communication with the child. They often dominate rather than submit.
Mothers of the third type do not show much interest in the child. The basis of motherhood is a sense of duty. There is almost no warmth and no spontaneity in the relationship with the child. As the main tool of education, such mothers use strict control (for example, they consistently and sternly tried to accustom a one and a half year old child to the skills of neatness).
Mothers of the fourth type are characterized by inconsistency. They show inadequacy to the age and needs of the child, make many mistakes in upbringing and poorly understand their child. Their direct educational influences, as well as reactions to the same actions of the child, are contradictory.
The fourth type of motherhood turns out to be the most difficult for a child, since the constant unpredictability of maternal reactions deprives the child of a sense of stability in the world around him and provokes increased anxiety. If the mother’s attitude is dominated by rejection and ignorance of the child’s needs, then the child develops a feeling of danger. A lack of parental responsiveness contributes to a feeling of “learned helplessness,” which subsequently often leads to apathy and even depression.
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Children need the love of their parents throughout their lives, and newborn children especially. It is from the first days and months of life that contact with mother is especially necessary. The baby needs to be put to the breast and preferably as often as possible. This strengthens the baby's immune system. For kids, everything around is new and this makes them sometimes capricious. They miss the atmosphere when they were in the womb, which is why they so need warmth, gentle touches and hugs from the person closest to them, their mother.
Gradually, the baby will get used to the environment and will begin to be interested in the things that surround him.
Eye contact
Every day, something new appears in the child and this is not surprising, because the baby is growing. Soon he will begin to recognize his mother's face, as evidenced by the smile on his face when he sees her. The so-called eye contact is needed by both mother and child. This will play an important role in the future. After all, it often happens that relatives understand a friend without words, at a glance.
In the subconscious of children, a feeling of security is deposited for the rest of their lives at the mere mention of their mother. Who better than a mother can protect her from dangers and avert any troubles from her little blood, her beloved child.
About baby development
For the full development of the baby, he needs:
- Walk
- Play
- Take him for a routine inspection
- Feed
- Take care of his hygiene
Raising a child is not an easy task, because every mother wants to be proud of her son or daughter and raise him to be a worthy person. To do this, you need to invest all the best in him from his very birth and instill love and respect for others. By and large, you need to start with yourself; children always take their cues from their parents, which means they need to conform. As a rule, children who grow up surrounded by care and love from their parents respond to them in the same way and treat them with the same reverence.
Very cute video! How children were offered to exchange their mothers for toys:) Watch for everyone)
The mother devoted herself entirely to her son, but the guy could not stand it and ran away from such love. Who's to blame? Ungrateful teenager or a woman who once chose caring for a child over her personal life?
One evening, her fourteen-year-old grandson Kirill came running to his grandmother’s house asking for help:
- Grandmother! Take me to live with you! I won't go home to my mother anymore.
- What's happened? - Grandma was scared.
At first, Kirill was silent and tried to hide his tears; it was impossible to get anything from him. It was only clear that the boy was in a state of extreme stress. The grandmother could not understand what had happened. After all, children run away from their parents when they beat them, humiliate them, and don’t feed them! And Kirill was fleeing from her daughter Sveta, who was the most caring mother in the world! Grandmother remembered how, after the divorce, at the age of twenty-five, Sveta said:
- I will never get married again! The new husband will distract me from my son! From now on, I only deal with the child!
And Sveta really dedicated her life to Kirill. She even quit her job because she did not want to send her child to kindergarten and expose her to infection. She rented out her grandfather's apartment and lived on the income from it.
Sveta cooked very tasty meals, bought Kirill all the toys he asked for and the most fashionable clothes, took him to the theater and circus on Sundays, and attended sports competitions with him. She even managed to take Kirill abroad, although her income was not very large. What more does a boy need? Why did this spoiled, caressed son run away from his mother like fire?
When Kirill calmed down a little, the grandmother gradually began to find out the reason for such a sudden flight. The boy told his grandmother about his life with his mother.
“Every day begins with her hanging my clothes on the chair next to the bed,” Kirill said. “I should only wear what she chooses.” When I start to argue with her, she immediately raises her voice, argues that today is a cold or, on the contrary, hot day, and that only these clothes can be worn. Okay, I agree. But one day I got up before my mother and got dressed myself. I wanted to leave before she woke up. We were on duty at school, we had to come early, and I was happy that she was sleeping and not touching me. But no! She woke up and immediately started screaming:
- What did you put on yourself?! The trousers are not ironed, the sweater is not washed! Why didn’t you wake me up and ask? You don’t know what clothes you can wear and what you can’t!
This was the first scandal, and then the second began:
— What did you eat for breakfast? Nothing? I won't let you leave the house until you eat! Sit down and have breakfast! Otherwise, you will faint at school! Me too, I found an independent one! I couldn’t dress properly, I forgot to have breakfast! You can't do anything without me!
At this point in the story, Kirill actually cried:
“I hear this phrase from my mother every day: “You can’t do anything without me, you’re nothing without me!”
The grandmother wanted to hug Kirill and pat him on the head, but she realized in time that this could not be done. She decided to treat the boy as an adult so that he would not run away from her.
“Let’s have dinner with you,” she suggested. — Please boil the kettle and cut the bread. Of course, I don’t cook as tasty as your mother, but...
“We don’t need to cook anything, we’ll eat sandwiches,” said Kirill. — I can’t hear about proper nutrition anymore. From my mom's point of view, I constantly eat the wrong things and in the wrong quantities. She calculates calories from the table, how much and what I need to eat, and swears if I break something.
She thinks she's the best cook in the world. Well, yes, her food is really delicious. But why make a scandal if I sometimes have lunch in a cafe? Sometimes the kids and I go there after school, we talk there, we feel good there. But mom is categorically against it! She once ran into a cafe and started shouting in front of everyone that we were ruining our stomachs, that sandwiches and chips were junk food for teenagers! You can imagine how my classmates looked at me after that! She made me a laughing stock in front of people!
I don't know how I'm still surviving in my class! I feel like I'll soon be an outcast. Once, one girl from the class invited me and several other guys to her birthday. I told my mom about this, she immediately got nervous and didn’t want to let me in. Then, when I was not at home, she found this girl’s phone number in my address book, called her parents, and began to find out what kind of holiday it would be, who would look after the children, and whether there would be alcohol there. She, in my opinion, called them several times because she doubted whether this was a decent family or not.
Ultimately, my mother led me by the hand home to this girl, and she herself did not go to the store, as I thought, but walked around the house, watching outside our window. She called me on my mobile several times and found out what I was doing there. And at eight in the evening she went up to the apartment and said that she was picking me up because it was already late! The guys looked at me with sympathy, as if I were some kind of inferior! This is so terrible! Will this bullying never end?
Grandma was confused. After listening to her grandson’s story, she realized what a difficult situation the teenager found himself in. Yes, her daughter is lonely, Kirill is her only close person. If you take her son away from her, she will go crazy! But the boy cannot be treated like a toy either. How to help them, what to do?
And for Kirill, despair gradually began to develop into indignation.
- As soon as I finish school, I will go to college in another city, I will live in a hostel away from my mother! Or I'll join the army!
The grandmother, of course, began to convince Kirill that one should not speak badly about his mother, that his mother was trying her best and doing what she sincerely considered to be the most useful for her son. She wishes him well!
Kirill sighed heavily.
“She constantly tells me about this too, especially when she forces me to eat or wear what she likes: “I come to you with all my heart, and you respond to good with evil! You are an evil, ungrateful person!”
“She’s wrong here, you’re a good person,” said the grandmother.
“I love her too, I don’t want her to suffer,” Kirill continued. “But what can you do if everything I like brings her suffering!” When I tell my mom that I want to go out with my friends, she immediately takes on such a pained look and starts to scare me: “You’ll get hit by a car, hooligans will attack you, someone will steal you!” Of course, I’m leaving, but I feel like a monster towards my mother. Once the guys and I were in a noisy place, and I didn’t hear my cell phone ringing. He returned home, and she was all in tears, holding her heart: “I thought you were no longer alive!” But I also can’t call her every five minutes!
I feel guilty when I try to cook my own food or do my own laundry. She is offended: “Why me then?” One time I sewed a button on myself. So she almost tore it off with meat and started shouting again: “You don’t know how to do anything!” Yes, maybe she does everything better. But how will I then grow up and become independent?
When Kirill said these words, the grandmother thought that many would envy her stupid Sveta! My son wants to do everything himself - this is a gift from fate! For example, her youngest son did not know how to do anything before his marriage. Even now, at thirty, he can’t do anything; his wife does everything. And then the child takes the initiative!
The boy said that his last quarrel with his mother happened today. That is why he asked to live with his grandmother. The fact is that several of Kirill’s comrades are going to camp in the summer. The guy wanted to go with them, but his mother was strongly against it:
-Are you out of your mind?! What a camp! You know that there is hazing there, they will beat you there and take your money!
- My friends go every year, and no one beats them!
- Don’t compare them and yourself! Your friends are street kids, they swear. They are like everyone else! And you are special, intelligent! They will immediately start mocking you there! This is the first thing. And secondly, they said on TV more than once that maniacs were hunting near the camps. After all, no one watches the children there! And the counselors there abuse children! The children in the camp are completely defenseless; they have no one to complain to! And thirdly, the food there is so terrible! After my food you will die of hunger there! No one will cook your favorite cabbage soup, fried potatoes and meatballs there!
Kirill was both offended and angry.
“At first I thought, maybe I’m some kind of sick, defective? - he said. - Why don’t other guys get as much care as I do? And then I realized that there was something wrong with my mother! Everything in the world can’t be that bad: the camp, the food in the cafe, the people around... I’m tired of my mother! I really want to grow up!
The grandmother realized what a difficult situation her grandson was in. She called her daughter, but their conversation did not work out.
- This is my child, I know better what he needs! - said Sveta. - Let him return home immediately!
And then the grandmother turned to us in the magazine: “How can I help my daughter and grandson?”
Mother+son = friendship
Julia Jumm, psychologist:
Sveta went through a divorce at the age of twenty-five, and, apparently, took it very painfully. In any case, after a divorce, even a seemingly easy one, a person is left with anxiety in his soul: “If I fall in love with someone again, what if the new relationship goes the same way? What if they leave me, betray me? Maybe there’s something wrong with me isn't it?" The heroine of this story was so anxious that she immediately gave up looking for another man. She chose, from her point of view, a more reliable path: to give all her love to the child. After all, the child belongs to her, he will not abandon her or betray her, as men do. Sveta became simply obsessed with her son! And this obsession was a means of protection. In this way, the young woman defended herself from her own fears and complexes, and from the condemnation of others.
She thought: “I may not have succeeded as a wife, as a worker, but I am an excellent mother!” Kirill occupied in her mind not only the niche of a son, but also the niche of a husband and work. Sveta showered him with all her affection and care, which would have been enough for several family members, and all her work, which was not in demand anywhere else.
And suddenly, to Sveta’s horror, Kirill began to grow up and move away from her! The feeling that she experienced when divorcing her husband reappeared in Sveta’s soul: “They are abandoning me, I am not needed!” This is both anxiety and pain from betrayal. Sveta began to really panic. She lost in Kirill not only a child, weak and helpless, whom she wanted to carry in her arms forever, she lost her only love and her job - all at once. With the departure of Kirill, Sveta would lose the meaning of life. And it is not surprising that she tried with all her might to keep the boy in childhood, to prevent him from becoming big. With her phrases “You can’t do anything, you’re nothing without me,” she wanted to make Kirill continue to depend on her. However, the more she tried to psychologically suppress her son, the more he wanted to free himself from her.
The time has come to radically rebuild the relationship between Kirill and Sveta. Maternal care for the child should be replaced by friendship of equal people. Sveta needs to get out of the role of a mother hen, who only teaches Kirill and limits his freedom, and become an interesting person for her son, so that he himself will be drawn to her. She must find an interesting job, meet new people, including men. We need to stop this obsession and one-sidedness!
As for Kirill, he should become even more decisive in his relationship with his mother. He should say:
“I need to learn to do everything myself, otherwise how will I become a grown man?”
And so that the mother does not get scared, you need to explain to her:
“I refuse your care, but I do not at all refuse you as a person.” You still remain my mother, and I want us to communicate on equal terms in the future, like adults. I am no longer a child and will never be a child, so you can’t return the past. Perhaps something will be returned with the advent of grandchildren. So let's move forward rather than backward!
Don't stop us from growing up!
Anton Golovinov, eleventh grader:
I can only sympathize with Kirill. Thank God my parents are not like that. I can’t even imagine how I could get out of this situation!
As for the trip, which was the reason for the main quarrel between Kirill and his mother, I can reassure the adults: the camp is not as scary as it is made out to be. I went to camps a couple of times with my classmates. I’ll say right away that nothing bad happened to us, despite what we did! They made a bungee on a tall tree, swung on it so hard that their heads were spinning, and jumped into the lake. We experimented with alcohol - we made “mash” from compote and sweets. We climbed into the girls' room through the window on the fifth floor. If my parents had found out about all these adventures, I would have been in trouble: house arrest for a week, a ban on communicating with friends... I don’t even know what else they could have come up with. However, I believe that all these measures are completely meaningless: dangers and temptations await children in the city, in the country, and on vacation with their parents. And in no case should you deprive a teenager of communication with friends, because this is the best thing that is remembered from childhood. I hope that the hero of the story will find the strength to talk to his mother and explain to her that he is no longer a child and her worries are only harming him.
Lead a "double life"!
Evgenia Eltsova, mother of a seventh-grader and an eighth-grader:
I guess you can also call me a mother hen. I always need to know where my children are, with whom, how they had breakfast, lunch and dinner, whether they were dressed warmly, etc. I hope when the time comes to let them out of the nest, I will have enough courage to behave calmly, independently and not make life difficult for my son and daughter.
I think it is very important for a mother to have her own business, even if her husband earns well and provides for the whole family. When a woman has a favorite job or even just a hobby, she is always in a good mood and always has a desire to communicate with children. In addition, such a “double life” saves her from psychological complexes. A successful woman will never say about herself: “Nobody loves me, everyone uses me,” and she will not make claims against anyone, including her children.
Svetlana should thank her son for the fact that, despite all her efforts, he grew up independent and unspoiled. Let the boy return home and do everything as he sees fit. If you make a mistake somewhere, don’t worry. And mom needs to find another interesting activity. For example, get a second education or learn a foreign language...
