The love triangle Alexander Blok - Lyubov Blok - Andrei Bely was especially difficult for the latter. And all, apparently, due to the fact that Andrei Bely was the most in love in this trinity. When Lyubov Blok unexpectedly rejected the poet, he almost lost his mind. “I thought about her - the Mother of God, but she turned out to be a devil,” Bely would later say about his beloved.
Recently "Pravda.ru" talked about a love triangle in family life outstanding Russian poet Alexander Blok. Today we propose to take a closer look at one of these "corners" - the writer Andrei Bely. The symbolist Boris Bugaev worked under this pseudonym. "Women worried Andrei Bely much more than it is customary to think about him," testified, Vyacheslav Khodachevich, who had known him for 19 years.
We have already written about the prehistory of Bely's relationship with Lyubov Dmitrievna Blok, and we refer those who wish to know to the corresponding note. Let's finish this love story, which, according to Khodasevich, “played an important role in the literary relations of that era, in the fate of many people who were not even directly involved in it and, ultimately, in the whole history of Symbolism. Then there were also in his life and love, and quick hobbies, but that love remained through everything and above everything. He really loved only that woman, her alone. "
The affair with Blok's wife developed rapidly. After painful deliberations, Lyubov Dmitrievna decided to part with Alexander Alexandrovich, but on condition that Boris Nikolayevich would certainly take her to hell, best of all to Italy. All that remained was to inform the Blok himself. Elementary decency demanded to do it personally. Bely wrote: "The monstrous, tragic spring of 1906 ... I did not part with Lyubov Dmitrievna. She demanded - she demanded that I take an oath to save her, even against her will. And Sasha was silent, deeply silent. Or he tried to joke. Or left. drink red wine. "
The conversation between the two friends-poets took place in the presence of his wife-mistress. According to Bely's recollections, Blok at that moment, as beautiful as Saint Sebastian pierced by arrows, said: "Well ... I'm glad ..." His wife shouted: "Sasha, really? ..." Blok left the office, Boris and Lyubov burst into tears. "And outside the window, black crows croaked. They croaked at our heads ...", - wrote in hot pursuit Boris Bugaev. And how he looked into the water.
Bely categorically rejected Tatyana Gippius's advice to switch to "life as a threesome" - menage en trois, which was led by her sister Zinaida with Merezhkovsky and Filosofov. He believed Lyubov Dmitrievna's assurances that "Alexander Alexandrovich is not her husband, they do not live like husband and wife, she loves him brotherly," but he, Borya, with genuine love.
For a trip abroad, the lovers needed a lot of money, and Bely went to Moscow to borrow it. At first, Lyuba hurried him in letters, then a series of confessions followed, either in love to Blok or to Bely. If earlier she loved her husband with brotherly love, now brotherly feelings were intended for Boris Bugaev. "Borya, I understood everything," Lyubov Dmitrievna reported in a letter dated March 17, 1906. "With true love I love Sasha. You are my brother. Borya, do you understand that I cannot change my first love?"
A month later, Lyuba sent Bora a letter in which she asked him not to come to their St. Petersburg apartment, referring to the last difficult exam ahead of Sasha. And although this was true, it did not stop Blok from continuing to visit the lowest-class drinking establishments and third-rate taverns. The poet sat in them until the early morning, and soon delighted first his friends - the outstanding figures of the Silver Age, and later all Russian readers with his masterpiece - "Stranger".
In early August, a letter came from Lyuba in which she refused to meet with Bely and forbade him to visit them. She asked not only not to come to St. Petersburg, but even to quit the correspondence. On August 8 in Moscow, at the request of the Blocks, a meeting took place at the Prague restaurant. In the presence of two silent gentlemen, Lyubov Dmitrievna, in an ultimatum, demanded the same thing that she had previously written in her letters - not to visit the Blocks, to get rid of the whim of a trip to Italy and stop writing to her. Bugaev flew out of the restaurant like a champagne cork.
Putting on a black masquerade mask, Bely received his friends in this form. He persuaded one of his friends to take Blok a challenge to a duel. Alexander Alexandrovich reasonably replied that there was no reason for a duel, and Bora "needed to rest." Bely did not want to accept such a turn of things and wrote to Blocks, begging them to agree to any conditions, but only to allow him to see Anyone again. "I swear that Lyuba is me, but only the best," cried Boris. "I swear that She is the shrine of my soul; I swear that I have nothing but the shrine of my soul. To meet Anyone in St. Petersburg (or wherever whatever) I am preparing as for a sacrament. " The Symbolists experienced love not symbolically at all, but in the utmost tension and fullness. Femme fatale, duel, suicide, insanity, and more.
Love of Tatyana and Eugene is one of the main plot lines of the novel by Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin "Eugene Onegin". So why does Tatiana, who is still in love with Onegin, reject his confession at the end of the work? Let's figure it out.
What does Tatyana appear before us at the beginning of the novel? The narrator describes her as a young, dreamy girl, alienated and unlike other people around her. Her appearance cannot be compared with the appearance of her sister Olga:
"So, she was called Tatiana.
Not her sister's beauty,
Nor the freshness of her ruddy
She would not have attracted the eyes.
Dick, sad, silent,
As a forest doe is fearful,
She is in her family
She seemed like a stranger to a girl. "
The girl did not do things typical for girls, either in childhood or in adolescence.
She did not play with dolls, did not embroider, but only "spent the days of rural leisure in thought." She was different. Too different, too distant.
"But dolls even in these years
Tatyana did not take it in her hands;
About news of the city, about fashion
I didn't talk to her.
And there were childish pranks
She is alien: scary stories
In the winter in the dark of nights
More captivated her heart. "
So, our Tatiana is a brooding, dreamy, timid and quiet nature. In her romance, she is very close to Lensky. With her sister, they are like two sides of the same coin - Olga is lively, sociable, sweet and simple-minded. But, as the narrator notes, her image can be found on the pages of any novel, there is nothing special, interesting, catchy in her. Such people quickly "become immensely annoying."
In Tatiana, he sees the ideal of a Russian girl, many ahead of the canons of modern society at that time. It is noteworthy that Tatiana is one of the most beloved characters of Pushkin himself.
Onegin notices her unusualness in a conversation with Lensky after his first visit to the Larins' house. He is sincerely surprised that Vladimir preferred Olga to Tatyana:
"Are you in love with the smaller one?"
And what? - “I would choose another,
When I was like you, a poet.
Olga has no life in her features. "
Tatyana's love should also be special. By nature, she was then still so naive, so romantic and young that she easily fell in love with the sweet fairy tales of the novels she read:
"She liked novels early;
They replaced everything for her;
She fell in love with deceptions
And Richardson and Russo. "
And the girl believes that everything will also be beautiful and romantic for her, as if in one of her books. She is already seventeen, she is already ripe for her great love!
"It has long been her imagination,
Burning with bliss and melancholy,
Alkalo of fatal food;
Long sincere longing
Her young breasts were pressed against her;
The soul was waiting ... for someone. "
It is at this time that Tatiana meets Onegin. She saw in him the very ideal of her novels that she was looking for. The young man was not like her other boring acquaintances and neighbors, with whom the girl had nothing in common. She plunges into novels with even greater ecstasy, because she has no one to discuss with all those experiences that are happening in her heart. With their help, she complements the image of Onegin with her fantasies:
"Lover of Julia Volmar,
Malek-Adel and de Linard,
And Werther, the rebellious martyr,
And the incomparable Grandison,
Which brings us to sleep -
Everything for the gentle dreamer
We put on a single image,
In one Onegin merged. "
All this leads to the fact that Tatyana is simply forced to confess to Onegin - she cannot do otherwise. But that's where the romance ends. Eugene rejects her; despite his politeness and courtesy, his honesty, his words severely hurt her. But even after the refusal, Tatyana does not stop loving Onegin, because this is her nature, this is her all.
"No, more than a joyless passion
Poor Tatyana is on fire;
Sleep runs to her bed;
Health, life, color and sweetness,
Smile, virgin peace
Everything is gone that the sound is empty,
And sweet Tanya's youth fades ... "
It's amazing how strong love can be. Even after refusal, even after the tragic duel with Lensky, even after Onegin's departure to Petersburg, Tatyana does not give up, she is trying to understand her beloved. As she grows up, the realization slowly comes to her that she herself conjectured the image of her lover, therefore she does not know much about him.
"... I gave myself up to reading
Tatiana with a greedy soul:
And another world was revealed to her. "
However, just after visiting the estate, after reading his books, Tatiana realizes that Onegin is not the person to whom she once wrote a letter, not the hero she invented.
"What is he? Is it an imitation,
An insignificant ghost, or else
Muscovite in Harold's cloak,
Interpretation of other people's quirks,
Full vocabulary of fashionable words? ..
Isn't he a parody?
Has the riddle really been solved?
Has the word been found? "
Years pass, Tatiana gets married, becomes a princess. Onegin suddenly returns. At first, he does not even recognize her, how incredibly she has changed simply does not fit into his head:
"She was sitting at the table
With the brilliant Nina Voronskaya,
This one to Cleopatra of the Neva,
And, surely, you would agree,
That Nina is a marble beauty
I could not outshine my neighbor,
Though she was dazzling. "
The changes are not only external, no, Tatyana has matured. This is no longer the girl who could not contain her emotions, sitting opposite her lover:
"She of darkening eyes
Does not raise: it glows violently
She has a passionate heat; she is stuffy, ill;
She greets two friends
Can't hear, tears from my eyes
They really want to drip; already ready
The poor thing will faint. "
And yet, even in this indifferent princess, one can see the former Tatiana. How it hurts her from meeting Yevgeny, how ill she feels when talking to him - all this shows the drama of the situation without further ado. But the current Tatiana, even in such a situation, is ready to control herself.
"She-she! Not that shudder
Ile suddenly became pale, red ...
Her eyebrow did not move;
She did not even purse her lips. "
It was because of these changes that she refused Onegin. The young naive girl turned into a calm, sophisticated life experience, a wife loyal to her husband. It is inconceivable for her to betray her husband, even for the sake of a man whom she still loves and has never stopped loving. Now it's not about feelings at all, it's about honor and dignity, loyalty to the family and an oath. Therefore, even after Onegin's recognition, when he seems to repeat her desperate act from the beginning of the novel, Tatyana finds the strength to refuse him.
I put this word in quotation marks, because, in my opinion, there is no unrequited love: there is an energy flow between people, there are polarities - plus and minus. When one loves, the second undoubtedly needs this love, he evokes it, broadcasts the need for this love, albeit often non-verbally, to this particular person: with his eyes, facial expressions, gestures.
It's just that the one who loves has an open heart, and the one who “doesn't love” rejects love, there are defenses in the form of fears or introjected, irrational beliefs. He does not feel his love and the need for intimacy, but at the same time gives double signals: lures, charms, seduces.
The body of your beloved, his look, voice, hands, movements, smell tell you: "yes", "I want you", "I need you", "I feel good with you", "I am happy." All this gives you complete confidence that he is "your" man. But out loud he says: "No, I do not love you."
We grew up, but we still don't look for easy ways on the roads of love
Where does this unhealthy pattern, inherent, in my opinion, of an immature psyche, come from: to devalue and reject those who love us, and to love those who are likely to reject us?
Let's remember childhood. All the girls were in love with the same boy, the "coolest" leader, and all the boys were in love with the most beautiful and unapproachable girl. But if this leader fell in love with some girl, he immediately ceased to be of interest to her: “Oh, well, him ... He carries my portfolio, walks on his heels, obeys me in everything. Weak ". And if the most beautiful and unapproachable girl reciprocated some boy, he, too, often grew cold: “What's wrong with her? She's not a queen, an ordinary girl. I got stuck - I don't know how to get rid of it. "
Where is it from? From childhood traumatic experiences of rejection. Unfortunately, many of us have had rejecting parents. Father buried in the TV: in order to attract his attention, it was necessary to become more interesting than the "box", to do a handstand or to walk with a wheel. An eternally tired and anxious mother, whose smile and praise could only be caused by a diary with only fives. Only the very best are worthy of love: smart, beautiful, healthy, athletic, independent, capable, excellent students.
Later, in adulthood, the richest, status, honorable, respected, famous, popular are added to the list of those worthy of love.
We have grown up, but we are still not looking for easy ways on the roads of love. We must show miracles of heroism, overcome enormous difficulties, become the best, achieve everything, save, conquer, in order to feel the joy of mutual love. Our self-esteem is unstable, we have to constantly “feed” it with achievements in order to accept ourselves.
The pattern is clear, but as long as a person is psychologically immature, he will continue to reproduce it.
How can another person accept and love us if we do not love and accept ourselves? If we are simply loved the way we are, we do not understand: “I didn’t do anything. I am insignificant, unworthy, stupid, ugly. I didn't deserve anything. Why love me? Probably, he himself (she herself) is nothing ”.
“Since she agreed to have sex on the first date, she probably sleeps with everyone,” one friend of mine complained. “She immediately agreed to make love to you, because of all the men she chose you. Do you really value yourself so low that you think that a woman cannot fall in love with you at first sight and sleep with you? "
The pattern is clear, but it does not change anything: as long as a person is psychologically immature, he will continue to reproduce it. What should those who have fallen into the trap of "unrequited" love do? Do not be sad. This is a difficult but very rewarding experience for the development of the soul. So what does such love teach?
"Unrequited" love can teach ...
… support yourself and your self-esteem, love yourself in difficult conditions of rejection, without outside support,
… to be grounded, to be in reality, to see not only black and white, but also many shades of other colors,
… be present here and now,
… appreciate what is good in a relationship, any little thing,
… it is good to see and hear a loved one, a real person, and not your fantasy,
… accept a loved one with all the flaws and weaknesses,
… sympathize, compassion, show kindness and mercy,
… understand his real needs and expectations,
… show initiative, take the first steps,
… expand the palette of feelings: even if these are negative feelings, they enrich the soul,
… live and withstand the heat of emotions,
… express feelings through actions and words in order to be heard,
… appreciate the feelings of another,
… respect the boundaries, opinion and freedom of choice of a loved one,
… develop economic, practical, household skills,
… give, give, share, be generous,
… to be beautiful, athletic, fit, well-groomed.
To summarize, strong love surviving in the harsh conditions of lack of reciprocity, will force you to overcome many limitations and fears, teach you to do for your loved one what you have never done before, expand your palette of feelings and relationship skills.
But what if all this does not help? If you are an ideal yourself, but the heart of your beloved will remain closed to you?
As Frederick Perls, the founder of gestalt therapy, said: "If the meeting did not happen, nothing can be done about it." In any case, the relationship skills and the wide range of feelings that you mastered in the experience of such love are your investments in yourself for life. They will stay with you and will certainly help you in a new relationship with a person who can reciprocate your love - with heart, body, mind, and with the words: "I love you."
about the author
Psychologist, psychotherapist, conducts individual consultations, leads therapeutic groups.
“When we can understand what makes us run away from a situation in which we are both vulnerable and loved, we will begin to understand why we behave the way we do.” - Dr. Lisa Firestone
It is not without reason that it is said that love is exactly what makes the globe spin. Some scientists even believe that love in one form or another is simply necessary for people to live. Love of relatives, friends and romantic chosen ones ... it surrounds us from all sides. Unless we live on a desert island, every day a real waterfall of love pours out on us. So is it possible to imagine that someone can completely reject all this love, voluntarily plunging himself into a desert scorched by the sun, although life-giving water is here, just stretch out your hand? It is unlikely that anyone can voluntarily do this, but most people do not even suspect that there are many ways in which they can do it subconsciously. But all is not lost - if you know exactly how you can reject love, it will be much easier for you to consciously begin to accept it, and take the first step towards the life that you have always dreamed of. In this article, you will find a description of the 4 types of behavior through which people most often reject love.
So how do you recognize that someone (or even yourself) is denying and rejecting love without even realizing it? Such people, as a rule ...
1. Start quarrels over all sorts of little things
When people, having entered into personal relationships, feel too vulnerable, they often start looking for reasons to quarrel with their soulmates - whatever. For most people who have entered into a personal relationship, it is quite normal to argue from time to time, or even quarrel a little. We all people, and people, alas, not ideal, so these not entirely pleasant moments are as much a part of personal relationships as everything else, and besides, these quarrels and disputes, as a rule, occur for good reasons. But when someone rejects love, he begins to find reasons for quarrels over all sorts of little things, or even out of the blue. Moreover, such people not only start empty and useless quarrels, but also do not allow them to calm down and calm down in a natural way. If you start noticing something like this, try to calm down and look at this situation from the outside. If you find that in most cases it is you who are the initiator of conflicts, try to get to the bottom of their true causes ... and if you realize that you are doing this because you are subconsciously trying to reject the love of your soul mate, then you can start to somehow correct this situation ..
2. Disconnect emotionally
Think, is it possible to accept someone's love if you are at odds with your emotions? Moving away from their emotions and disconnecting emotionally is one of the ways people reject love without even realizing it. When you start feeling vulnerable and want to put an end to it somehow, detaching yourself from your emotions may well seem like a good idea to you. As Dr. Lisa Firestone writes about this, "We often convince ourselves that this relationship is no worse than any other, because we, in essence, do not care."
But ... by rejecting love, you will never truly experience it. Pay attention to the moments when you disconnect emotionally. What causes this condition? Try to be more open and honest with your partner. When you finally allow yourself to feel your emotions to the fullest, together with them you will sooner or later let true love into your life.
3. Satisfied with less than they deserve
We don't always meet people who treat us the way we deserve. This is a fact, and there is nothing to be done about it. But when you consistently, day after day and month after month, continue to be content with less than you deserve, you are rejecting the love of all those wonderful people who will treat you the way you really deserve. This usually happens due to the fact that one of the couple, deep down in their hearts, does not deserve the happiness that he or she secretly dreams of. Take a fresh look at your relationship, and think carefully - are you really getting what you want and what you deserve from them? If this is not the case, then imagine that someone you love with all your heart is constantly content with something less, unworthy, gray and dull, although clearly capable of more. What would you tell him? Now consider this advice and try to follow it yourself. Find the courage to put your current situation behind your back and go in search of the relationship you truly deserve.
4. Begin to compare themselves to others
When we compare ourselves to other people (especially the prettier, richer, and more successful), we tend to end up feeling far from being the best way, and we certainly do not feel one hundred percent. But not everyone knows that such a comparison is another way people deny love. Comparing ourselves with other people, we allow ourselves to sink into the abyss of low self-esteem, but low self-esteem, in turn, makes us reject the love directed at us - ostensibly because such a miserable person is clearly unworthy of her. Instead of burrowing headlong into other people's lives, give more attention yourself. Focus on what you are truly better at, what makes you unique. Each person has something to offer others, and you will certainly find something that you can enrich any personal relationship. The moment you decide to stop comparing yourself to others, you will be far more inclined to accept love instead of denying it - and more capable of it, for that matter.
A few final thoughts
After you've read these four points, think carefully about them. Did you not recognize yourself in them? Perhaps you caught yourself looking for reasons to quarrel? Or are you constantly comparing yourself to other people? If so, then you are most likely really denying and rejecting the love directed at you. Fortunately, if you realize this, all is not lost. There are ways to help you accept love instead of rejecting it. So if you are honest with yourself and admit that you, unknowingly, have acquired some unpleasant habits, you can now embark on the path leading to change. In this world, everyone deserves love. Everyone, without exception. Don't be afraid to bare your emotions in front of your significant other. Never settle for a relationship in which you receive less than you deserve. These are just the first steps towards bringing love back into your life, but they must be taken.
